1. A ten-year University of Missouri study of nearly
6,000 people showed that those who played golf lived significantly longer. *** After those
findings were announced, thousands of ecstatic Trump supporters were dancing in
the streets, shouting, “Hooray!
Hooray! He’s gonna live FOREVER!”
2. In an MSNBC interview, former White House communications
director Anthony Scaramucci claimed that President Trump thinks he’s a king. *** White
House officials vigorously denied that accusation, although they did admit that
Mr. Trump recently panicked when he overheard a TV weather reporter saying, “We
expect the rain to end soon.”
3. A few days ago, 10,000 men
In Okayama, Japan stripped down for the annual Hadaka Matsuri, or “Naked Festival.” *** Or, to paraphrase Hans
Christian Anderson, “The Empire Has No Clothes.”
4. In a Walmart parking lot in Peachtree City,
Georgia, a man tripped up a fleeing thief by shoving a grocery cart into his
path. *** According to several witnesses, the thief had
almost gotten away by the time the hero finally found a cart without a rattling
wheel.
5. In announcing Kellogg’s launch of its “Incogmeato”
brand of plant-based burgers, bratwurst and Italian sausage, a company official
said, “These products were designed to look, cook and smell just like beef.” *** In fact, to
emphasize the similarity to real beef, the first commercial will feature Tony
the Tiger saying, “They’re GRRRREASY!”
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