Friday, June 24, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 24, 2016

1.    In an interview on Entertainment Tonight, former “Knight Rider” star David Hasselhoff confirmed reports that he has lost all his money.  ***  He said that’s the last time he’ll ever take investment advice from a talking car.

2.    Using new measuring technology, scientists have just discovered that the Great Pyramid of Giza was built slightly lopsided.  ***  Consequently, it will now be known as the Good Pyramid of Giza.

3.    Mabel Jackson, a 100 year-old woman in Suffolk, England, says that drinking six gin & tonics every day keeps her young.   ***  Of course she still feels young—she can’t remember the last 60 years.

4.    According to stock market guru Jim Cramer, two things that millennials love spending money on are cell phones and make-up.  ***   Apparently they want to look good for their selfies.

5.    During a performance in Saskatoon, Canada, Justin Bieber accidentally fell through a trap door and disappeared.  A lot of people were really and truly heartbroken… *** … when he reappeared.

6.    On this date in history:  Jun 24, 1947 – Flying saucers are sighted over Mount Rainier by pilot Ken Arnold.  ***  Hey, that’s just what I want to hear my pilot saying:  “Folks, I’m seein’ some flying saucers out the window…and I’m hearing voices, too…but why don’t y’all relax and enjoy the flight.”

7.    On this date in history:  Jun 23, 1979 – The Charlie Daniels Band releases "The Devil Went Down to Georgia."  ***  Of course, it seems like he’s been to a lot more places since then.

8.    On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1847 – The donut is created.  ***  Within a year, the average policeman gained ten pounds.

9.    On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1834 – Cyrus Hall McCormick patents the reaping machine.  ***  Actually, I thought it had been invented by a guy named Grim.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1893 – In New Bedford, Massachusetts, Lizzie Borden is found innocent of the axe murders of her parents.  ***  However, she later had her own show on the Home Chopping Network.

Friday, June 17, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 17, 2016

1.  A corrupt government official in Argentina was caught tossing bundles of money over the wall of a monastery.  ***  As a monk went to phone the police another monk yelled after him, “Dial slowly!”

2.  An elementary school in Alabama is being criticized for sending a child home with a stamp on his arm saying “I need lunch money,” but school officials said such stamps are standard practice for getting messages to parents.  ***  In fact, the kid had to take off his shirt to show mom and dad his report card.

3.  Donald Trump announced that he has added two words to his campaign slogan.  It’s now “Make America great again—for everyone.”   ***  In the interest of full disclosure, a Trump spokesman did point out that the word “everyone” is followed by an asterisk.

4.  Researchers at New Mexico State University say that Victoria’s Secret Bombshell perfume is very effective as a mosquito repellent.  ***   That’s great news for women who want to put on some sexy Victoria’s Secret lingerie, spray on a little Victoria’s Secret perfume, and go camping.

5.  The Playboy Mansion has been sold to the next door neighbor, Daren Metropoulos, whose private equity firm owns the Hostess company.  ***  Well, I guess that’s appropriate since both homes are full of Ding Dongs.

6.  On this date in history:  Jun 17, 1775 – The British defeat the colonists at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which actually took place at Breed’s Hill.   ***  Unaware that the battle had been mis-named, the colonial reinforcements were, unfortunately, sitting over at Bunker Hill.

7.  On this date in history:  Jun 16, 1882 – Dubuque, Iowa was hit with 17" hailstones weighing 1.75 pounds.  ***  The only casualty was the guy running around outside with the scale.

8.  On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1924 – The Ford Motor Company manufactures its 10 millionth automobile.   ***  Reports at the time said the guy keeping count was exhausted.

9.  On this date in history:  Jun 14, 1847 – Robert Bunsen invents the bunsen burner for use in science labs.   ***  Thousands of happy chemistry students start bringing marshmallows to class.

10. On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1888 – Congress establishes the Department of Labor.   ***  Most politicians were against it until they were assured that the department wouldn’t have to actually do any labor.

Friday, June 10, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 10, 2016

1.  The government just announced it is investigating complaints regarding suspension components on the Tesla S model.  ***  Officials said the problem is serious and could result in irreparable harm to a Tesla driver’s feeling of superiority.

2.  A Harvard professor is using electronic components and jars of chemicals to build “artificial leaves” that can synthesize carbon dioxide into oxygen.  ***  He said the contraptions function OK, but it’s a real pain to rake them up in the fall.

3.  Astronomer Paul Cox claims there is a “Planet X” hiding behind the sun, and someday it will pop out and annihilate Earth.  ***  Good news, folks.  We might not have to endure an entire four years of Donald or Hillary.

4.  Hostess is recalling thousands of Ding Dongs, Chocolate Zingers and other snack foods because peanut residue in the flour could cause dangerous allergic reactions.  ***  That’s in addition to the normal reactions of weight gain, hyperactivity and tooth decay.

5.  Oprah Winfrey is launching her own line of food products called “Oprah’s Kitchen.”  ***  It’s the latest addition to her money-making conglomerate, “Oprah’s Cash Register.”

6.  On this date in history:  Jun 10, 1988 – Over 31,000 people in London participate in the world’s largest bicycle tour.   ***  Wow, can you imagine the huge logistical challenge? — All the medical support, the water stations, the steroids…

7.  On this date in history:  Jun 9, 1822 – Charles Graham receives a patent for false teeth.  ***   However, most politicians remember him for his second invention, the fake smile.

8.  On this date in history:  Jun 8, 1959 – The first official "missile mail" lands in Jacksonville, Florida.  ***   And the U.S. military is still using missiles to send a message. 

9.  On this date in history:  Jun 7, 1979 – Rock & roll star Chuck Berry is charged with tax evasion.   ***  Johnny B. Badde.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 6, 1960 – Roy Orbison releases "Only the Lonely."  ***  It’s a sad, depressing song about people who don’t get any “Likes” on their Facebook posts.