News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 28, 2018

1.   A Michigan woman survived a roll-over accident on I-75 after losing control when her German shepherd jumped on the dash to bark at the windshield wipers.  ***  So, the car is upside down and smoking, the woman is distraught, all the emergency vehicles have arrived, and the dog is thinking, “I knew those things were trouble.”

2.   Stocks could lose 20% of their value in 2019 according to Todd Horwitz, a financial advisor with Bubba Trading.  ***   Generally, Bubba Trading recommends investing your money in old pick-up trucks, huntin’ dogs and a very large supply of beer.

3.   Scientists in Germany recently found traces of a Jurassic Period sea mammal known as “ichthyosaur,” but they said the only remaining material is the creature’s blubber, which has survived for 180 million years.   ***   Which kind of explains why it’s so hard to diet.     

4.   Arizona Governor Doug Ducey announced that even though there is a partial government shutdown, the Grand Canyon “will remain open.”  ***  Duh, I think it would be kinda tough to close it.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 21, 2018

1.   Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes has signed a major endorsement contract with Hunt’s Ketchup.   ***   Several other companies tried to do a deal with Mr. Mahomes, but the ketchup maker was the only one who could give him a fair shake.

2.   In a recent interview, Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood said, “We’re in our 70’s, but we’re still rocking like we’re 40 year olds.”   ***   That’s amazing—I didn’t think any of the Stones could remember that far back.

3.   In order to reduce chaos at the gate, Delta Airlines is changing the way passengers board planes.  ***   Starting immediately, they’ll be required to board sober.

4.   Because of Pancho Villa’s crimes against Americans, the Tucson, Arizona community has been divided about what to do with a statue of the Mexican revolutionary riding a horse.  ***  In a compromise solution, the statue will be somewhat modified and the plaque will now read, “Pancho Villa’s Horse.” 

5.   Lou Ferrigno, who played “The Incredible Hulk,” was hospitalized after a reaction to a pneumonia shot.   ***  Unfortunately, all the doctors ran away when he started to turn green.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 14, 2018

1.   Under new rules, Delta Airlines will not allow you to take your emotional support animal on flights longer than 8 hours.   ***   Unless you’re the pilot. 

2.   An elderly British couple in their 70’s were arrested aboard the cruise ship Marco Polo after authorities found 20 pounds of cocaine hidden in their cabin.  ***    Well, that certainly seems to explain the huge waiting list for the senior cruise.

3.   In Torrance, California, two nuns have been accused of embezzling $500,000 from the Catholic school where they were teachers.  ***  That’s a major felony, so they’re facing some serious jail time and up to 25 raps on the knuckles with a giant ruler.

4.   In Alloa, Scotland, a mother sent her young son to school with an inflatable sheep for a manger scene, not realizing it was a blow-up sex toy.  ***    The first clue was when someone squeezed it and it said, “B-a-a-a-a-d Boy.”

5.   Ramsey Bearse, a former Miss Kentucky, has been charged with a sending a nude photo of herself to a high school student.   ***    Actually, it was just the standard Miss Kentucky pose, which included the tiara, the pageant sash and a strategically-placed bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 7, 2018

1.   Rania Youssef, an Egyptian actress, has been charged with public indecency for wearing a revealing dress and thereby “inciting debauchery and temptation.”   ***  The young woman is in a heap of trouble, but sales of the dress have skyrocketed.

2.   An 85 year old man at Florida’s Cypress Lakes Retirement Community was bitten on the foot by an alligator.   ***   How demoralizing—the guy’s already got one foot in the grave, and then an alligator tries to bite off the other one. 

3.   In London, workers found a 500 year old skeleton of a man near the River Thames, and he was still wearing his thigh-high leather boots.   ***   You know, it must be discouraging when you hang on to your favorite pair of boots for 500 years and they still haven’t come back into style.

4.   Richard Branson says his Virgin Galactic space travel company will be taking visitors to space by Christmas.  ***  In fact, they’re in final stages of training all the reindeer.

5.   A blind man in New York is suing Playboy’s website because it’s not compatible with his screen-reading app.  ***  Previously, he sued the magazine version because he kept cutting his finger on the centerfold staple.