News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 25, 2019

1.   The Chemistry Club at Wayne State University has built the world’s largest periodic table, measuring over 500 feet across.  ***  And that doesn’t even include the chairs.

2.   Kim Jong Un says he plans to tear down facilities built by South Korea at a joint resort project in North Korea because they are “shabby and unpleasant looking.”  ***   The South Korean government disagreed, saying the buildings are actually quite attractive…and they said the upper floors will provide a terrific view of incoming missiles.

3.   Four American Airlines flight attendants arriving at the Miami airport with $22,000 in cash were arrested for suspected money laundering.   ***  Authorities are investigating their claim that at airport prices that barely covers their Cinnabon habit and souvenir T-shirts for all the relatives.

4.   A family of moose was recently seen casually walking at a shopping mall in Jackson, Wyoming, but residents of the area said that was not unusual.   ***   However, they said normally the moose don’t shop until the day-after-Thanksgiving sales.

5.   Kanye West told wife Kim Kardashian that a corset-style dress she wore to a recent event was “too sexy” and was hurting his “spiritual journey.”   ***   In other words, “It makes you look fat.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 18, 2019

1.   After an analysis of attractive facial proportions as determined by famous artists, cosmetic surgeon Dr. Julian De Silva announced that Bella Hadid is the most beautiful woman in the world.  ***  However, he was interrupted by a colleague, Dr. Kanye West, who declared, “Imma let you finish, but Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women of all time.”

2.   The Paris Zoo is now displaying a strange organism which has baffled scientists who determined it has 720 sexes but no brain.   ***   Sounds like something on “The Kardashians.”

3.   After stranding passengers in the air for several hours last week, Walt Disney World’s Skyliner gondola has now been re-opened, but with some operational changes.   ***  Also, they’ve added a sign showing Mickey Mouse with outstretched arms saying, “To go on this ride, your bladder must be THIS big.”

4.   The chief bodyguard for Pope Francis resigned yesterday as authorities investigated the leak of a confidential Vatican document.   ***  The document was apparently top secret; it was kept in a vault and was reportedly written in an obscure ancient secret code known only as “Latin.”

5.   A Taiwanese tourist was arrested for wearing a very revealing string bikini at a Philippines resort; management had told her not to wear it but she said it was “a form of art."   ***  And now she claims the authorities were trying to frame her.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 11, 2019

1.   The 2019 Nobel Prize in Literature has been awarded to Peter Handke for “an influential work that with linguistic ingenuity has explored the periphery and the specificity of human experience."   ***  In other words, no pictures.

2.   Harley-Davidson announced it will begin manufacturing an electric motorcycle.   ***   For customers who miss the roar of a gasoline engine, dealers will install a huge baseball card in the spokes.

3.   McDonald’s has announced plans to make drive-thru lines considerably shorter.   ***   All customers will be required to drive smaller cars.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 4, 2019

1.   At 88 years old, Regis Philbin reportedly wants 72 year old Susan Lucci to join him on a nationwide singing tour.   ***   At that age, performers prefer duets so at least one of them remembers the words.

2.   Justin Timberlake was tackled while attending a Fashion Week show in Paris.   ***   Wow—those French really have no tolerance for someone wearing last year’s style. 

3.   Lamborghini, the manufacturer of flashy, exotic sports cars, announced it may soon develop an electric supercar.  ***   However, the company has some safety concerns and is worried that the high-voltage electrical systems might get shorted out by the driver’s gold chains.

4.   Nissan is recalling one million cars because the back-up cameras may have stopped working.  ***   Until the cameras are fixed, Nissan is urging owners to use alternate measures for rearward vision, such as strapping a small child to the rear bumper.

5.   Wally Conron, the man who created the popular mixed-breed “Labradoodle,” says it is one of his biggest regrets because he meant it to be a guide dog, not a “fashion accessory.”   ***   He said if he just wanted to create something fashionable to put on a leash it would have involved a Kardashian.