News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 23, 2016

1.   This week snow fell in the Sahara Desert for the first time in 37 years.  ***   In fact, it was so cold the camels had to put anti-freeze in their humps.

2.   According to a recent survey, most Millennials would like to retire by age 62, but 91% of them don’t have a plan to prepare for retirement.  ***  However, they’re pretty sure the first step is to start working.

3.   A city official in Mobile, Alabama, has apologized for cutting down a 50-foot cedar tree in a city park so it could be decorated and used in a Donald Trump “Thank You” rally.  ***   Hey, it could have been worse—it could have been a rally for Al Gore.

4.   According to the Lifescript website, “being ignored” is the number one reason women walk away from a relationship.  ***  Of course, it’s tough for a guy to argue when it takes him three days to realize she’s gone.

5.   After seeing how well Khloe Kardashian cared for Lamar Odom when he was in the hospital, the rest of the Kardashian family changed their wills to make her their medical advisor if they become incapacitated.  ***  They’ve all given Khloe authority to pull the plug as soon as their good looks start to fade.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 23, 1986 – The experimental airplane Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan & Jeana Yeager, completes the first nonstop round-the-world flight.  ***  The amazing flight proved once and for all that people can travel completely around the world without stopping to buy souvenirs.

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 22, 2001 –  On a flight from Paris to Miami, Richard Reid attempts to ignite explosives hidden in the sole of his shoe.  ***  He had reached the point where he’d try anything to cure his plantar fasciitis.

8.   On this date in history:  Dec 21, 1951 –  Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement.  ***  Where has he gone?

9.   On this date in history:  Dec 20, 1924 –  Adolf Hitler is released from jail early.   ***  Famous last words from the parole board: “So, what’s the worst that could happen?”

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 19, 1777 –  George Washington settles his troops at Valley Forge for the winter.  ***  The soldiers accepted the harsh living conditions, but hated it when George kept singing “Walking in a winter wonderland...”

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 16, 2016

1.   Kanye West recently met with Donald Trump and left the meeting in good spirits.  ***   Unfortunately, the next day Mr. Trump had to call Kanye with some bad news after aides informed him that there is no Secretary of Hip-Hop.

2.   The United Nations has dropped comic book superhero Wonder Woman as an Honorary Ambassador after receiving a petition complaining that she was “a large-breasted white woman of impossible proportions, scantily clad in a shimmery, thigh-baring body suit with an American flag motif and knee high boots.”  ***  Disgruntled signers of the petition included Nancy, Little Orphan Annie, Cathy, Broom-Hilda, Lois, Mrs. Wilson and Opal.  

3.   A 109 year old woman in Lincoln County, Colorado says her secret to a long life is to be nice to others.  ***  Yeah, it’s probably easy to be nice to people when you know you’re going to outlive them.

4.   The Trump team is denying that Russian hackers could have influenced the results of the U.S. presidential election.  ***   I don’t know…I heard that in 2020 Vladimir Putin plans to run as an independent.  

5.   As previously reported, Prince William revealed that his wife, Kate Middleton, fights stress with adult coloring books.  ***  Prince Charles has now revealed that Camilla does, too; he said she rolls them up and whacks the servants.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 16, 1773 – The Boston Tea Party takes place.  ***  Having heard rumors of the upcoming event, dozens of colonial women show up wearing little black dresses.

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 15, 1854 – The first street-cleaning machine in the U.S. is used in Philadelphia.  ***  It was designed to sweep up drug dealers, bums and hookers.

8.     On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1986 – The Voyager aircraft, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, takes off from Edwards AFB in California for the first non-stop, non-refueled flight around world.  ***  Departure was delayed, however, when they had to take off their flight suits for the TSA patdown.

9.     On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1950 – James Dean begins his career with an appearance in a Pepsi commercial.  ***  In those days he was known as “Rebel Without a Coke.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1937 – NBC & RCA send the first TV news vans onto the streets of New York.  ***   The following day, NBC and RCA news departments announce the first reported theft of TV news vans.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 9, 2016

1.   Delta Airlines has begun serving complimentary meals in the main cabin on selected flights on a trial basis.  ***   They hope the results will be better than their previous program, Passenger Potluck.  (The concept was good, but everyone just brought a big bag of chips.)

2.   In Glendale, Arizona, police are searching for a gunman who injured two people inside a Wal-Mart and then escaped.  ***  Several Wal-Mart shoppers ran after the guy but were unable to catch him, since they were all wearing flip-flops.

3.   According to a recent survey by the Red Cross, 46% of Americans feel that under certain circumstances torture is morally acceptable.  ***   The other 54% disagree and say they shouldn’t be forced to watch all those Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. 

4.   2,300 scientists, including 22 Nobel Prize winners, wrote a letter to Donald Trump urging him to formulate policies based on solid scientific facts.  ***  Mr. Trump agreed and said he will only consider findings that have been documented in respected scientific journals, such as “Twitter.”

5.   A photo of Donald Trump in a stiff breeze revealed that the short end of his tie was secured to the back of the tie with a couple strips of Scotch tape.  ***   A Trump spokesman later said the president-elect was embarrassed by the revelation and had promised to immediately switch to American tape.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 9, 1878 Joseph Pulitzer buys the St. Louis Dispatch for $2,500.  ***  Of course, in today’s Internet world, people have a hard time believing that newspapers were once worth that much. 

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1863 – Abraham Lincoln announces his plan for Reconstruction of the South.  ***  It included a wide variety of retirement communities, theme parks and golf courses. 

8.   On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1965 – The Roman Catholic and Greek Orthodox churches formally reconcile themselves by reversing a mutual excommunication of each other, dating back to the year 1054.   ***   Afterwards, there was a huge celebration when they learned that 911 years was a new world record for holding a grudge. 

9.   On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1990 – Shoeless Joe Jackson's signature is sold for $23,100.  ***  Sadly, with that money he could have bought some really nice shoes.

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1932 – German physicist Albert Einstein is granted a U.S. visa.  ***   On the application form he entered his occupation as “Genius.” 

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 2, 2016

1.   Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz announced that he will step down from his position but will stay on as executive chairman and focus on the most critical strategic issues, such as innovation, social impact   ***  and the design of Starbuck’s annual holiday cup.

2.   By using an MRI machine to study people’s brain response, researchers at the University of Utah found that intense religious experiences trigger the same part of the brain as drinking, drugs and sex.  ***  Wow—that MRI machine must have been huge.

3.   A 700-foot Krishna temple under construction in India will be the tallest religious structure in the world.  ***  Well, at least the tallest one financed entirely with funds solicited at airports.

4.   Researchers at Emory University found that dogs prefer belly rubs over treats.  ***  This discovery led to the Emory University Diet—you’re not allowed to eat much, but you get your belly rubbed all day long.

5.   Police in Utica, Michigan arrested a 74 year old man for impersonating a dentist.  ***  Several witnesses reportedly saw him wearing gold chains, driving a Lamborghini and trying to pick up beautiful young women.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 2, 2014 – Stephen Hawking claims that artificial intelligence is a "threat to mankind" and could spell the end of the human race.  ***  Although he did admit it will be tough for mankind to choose between artificial intelligence and no intelligence whatsoever.

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 1, 1929 – Edwin S. Lowe invents the game of Bingo.  ***   It was the only way he could get his elderly mother out of house on Tuesday evenings.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 30, 1981 – Porn star John Holmes is arrested on fugitive charges   ***   He’s still the only felon whose wanted poster was X-rated.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 29, 1942 – The U.S. begins rationing coffee.  ***  To get a coffee voucher, people had to prove that they needed to wake up in the  morning.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 28, 1933 – A Dallas grand jury delivers a murder indictment against Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow.   ***  The jury also pointed out that the pair’s exploits would make a heck of a movie.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 25, 2016--HIATUS THIS WEEK

I'm sorry, but "Bill's Pills" is on hiatus this Thanksgiving week. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.  Please check back next Friday for a new batch of jokes.

Bill

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 18, 2016

1.   United Airlines plans to increase restrictions on “low-fare” passengers, such as limiting them to one carry-on bag that must fit under their seat.  ***  And for the “ultra-low-fare,” the passenger must fit under the seat.

2.   During the next few months most Kenneth Cole retail stores will be closing their doors, but their fashions will still be available online.  ***   As they say, “When God closes a door, He opens a website.”

3.   The 3-year, $60 million restoration of the Capitol Dome has just been completed, so congressmen no longer have to worry about construction equipment, falling debris and tripping hazards. ***  However, it’s still extremely dangerous to cross the aisle.

4.   There are rumors that President-elect Trump may request security clearance for three of his children, giving them access to secure communications technology, travel schedules and Secret Service procedures. However, they would not be privy to the really sensitive information, such as intelligence reports, operational plans...***...and their father's tax returns.

5.   UltraViolet, a women’s advocacy organization, sent Hillary Clinton 1,000 roses after her election loss.   ***   Of course, the vase had to be huge—not because there were so many flowers, but because it was filled with tears from the group’s recent cry-in.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 18, 1805 – In Wiscasset, Maine, thirty ladies organize the first women's club in America, the Female Charitable Society.   *** Basically, they go around saying nice things about people who don’t deserve it.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1970 – Douglas Engelbart receives a patent for the first computer mouse.  ***  Of course, to make the patent coverage as broad as possible he referred to it as an “electronic rodent.”

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1676 – The first colonial prison is established in Nantucket.  ***  The inmates spent all their time writing limericks.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1937 – For the first time, a U.S. congressional session is held in air-conditioned chambers.  ***  But that was almost 80 years ago, and we’re still waiting for cooler heads to prevail.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1732 – The first professional librarian in America, Louis Timothee, is hired in Philadelphia.  ***  There were other good candidates, but he had the most intimidating “Sh-h-h-h-h.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 11, 2016

1.   In the wake of the presidential election, a lot of people have started looking into the procedures for impeachment.  ***  However, most folks feel it’s better to just chill out and let Mr. Obama finish his term.

2.   Scientists trying to combat jet lag are studying the genes of fruit flies, which have strong 24 hour body clocks.  ***  Actually, they’ve already developed one jet lag cure, but it makes you go crazy around over-ripe bananas.

3.   Vatican officials angrily denounced a Chinese priest who claimed to have promoted himself to bishop.  ***  Imagine how upset they were the following day when they saw white smoke coming out of his chimney.

4.   A woman on the Dr. Phil Show claimed that she is pregnant with Jesus.  ***   Great! After Jesus is born, I look forward to him and Dr. Phil accusing each other of having a God complex.

5.   On the AOL web site, AOL Entertainment posted the teaser headline, “Here’s who Britney Spears wants to win the presidency.”   ***  And the sub-headline promised to also identify the three people who care.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 11, 1926 – U.S. Route 66 is established.   ***   Don’t confuse that with Route 666, which is the highway to hell.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1908 – The first free Gideon Bibles are put in hotel rooms. *** Gideon’s strategy became apparent a few years later when he began introducing his money-making products: The Gideon Vibrating Mattress, Gideon Videos and finally, the Gideon Minibar. 

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 9, 2009 – Joe Cada becomes the youngest champion of the World Series of Poker.  ***  In fact, when he arrived his mother dropped him off with his Spiderman backpack, his lunch money and a deck of cards.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1910 – William H. Frost receives the first U.S. patent for an electrical device that kills insects.   ***   You smash them with a battery.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1910 – The first air freight shipment is made by the Wright Brothers for department store owner Max Moorehouse.   ***   “What, Max?  You want a ‘tracking number’?  OK, it’s 1.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 4, 2016

1.   In Tokyo, a patient on the operating table was seriously burned when she passed gas and it was accidentally ignited by a laser device.   ***  The doctors certainly learned an important lesson:  When using a hot laser beam to operate on a patient, don’t pull her finger. 

2.   Charlie Sheen, who played Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn in the movie “Major League,” is reportedly miffed that he wasn’t chosen to throw out the first pitch at the World Series.  ***  Maybe it’s because he insisted on being accompanied on the mound by two hookers, his drug dealer and a bottle of scotch.

3.   Kendall Jenner says she suffers from “sleep paralysis” and sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night completely unable to move.  ***  You know it’s serious when a Kardashian can’t even take a selfie.

4.   Following a paperwork error, the Los Angeles County coroner’s office has apologized for cremating the wrong person.  ***  They were supposed to cremate another man—one who had already died.

5.   Bill Cosby’s lawyers are asking that sexual assault charges be dropped because he is now blind and cannot defend himself.  ***  Mr. Cosby, however, says he wants to continue with the trial and try to identify the accusers by feel.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 4, 1845 – The first nationally observed election day is held in the U.S.  ***  Officials found it was much more efficient to have all the voting fraud take place at the same time.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1883 – The U.S. Supreme Court rules that Indians can't be Americans.  ***  The Indians were confused by the ruling, and also couldn’t understand why “Chief Justice” didn’t wear a headdress.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 2, 1966 – The “Cuban Adjustment Act” is established, allowing 123,000 Cubans to apply for permanent residence in the United States ***  and get one free chiropractic treatment.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1870 – The U.S. Weather Bureau begins operations.  ***   It was established a few days earlier, but operations couldn’t begin until the dart boards arrived.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1846 – The Donner party is unable to cross the Sierra Nevadas and constructs a winter camp.  ***   However, it was Halloween and, unfortunately, one of the Donners dressed up as a Happy Meal.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 28, 2016

1.   Nordstrom’s is being criticized for showing political favoritism by carrying Ivanka Trump’s line of fashions.  ***  The store apologized and promised to create a new women’s section dedicated entirely to pantsuits.

2.   It has been revealed that Donald Trump once considered producing a reality TV show in which former Miss USA contestants would compete to get hired by him.  ***  I believe it was called “Make America Grope Again.”

3.   Uber has announced that it will be giving free flu shots.   ***  However, it is recommended that their drivers keep one hand on the wheel and wait for a smooth stretch of road.

4.   As a test of autonomous technology, a Budweiser delivery truck successfully completed a 120-mile trip across Colorado without a driver.   ***   For their next test, the engineers are going to bring out the wagon and blindfold the Clydesdales.  

5.   NASCAR has fined a crew chief $10,000 for violating the “lug nut rule.”  ***  I believe that’s the rule that says every member of a NASCAR pit crew must be smarter than a lug nut.

6.   The Mars candy company is launching a major new product: Caramel M&M’s.  ***  Thank goodness they “melt in your mouth,” because it’s tough to chew when your teeth are stuck together.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 28, 1790 – New York gives up claims to Vermont for $30,000.  ***  And a lifetime supply of syrup.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 27, 1913 – President Woodrow Wilson says the United States will never attack another country.  ***  Yep, if we want to bring another country to ruin, we just introduce the Kardashians. 

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 26, 1973 – President Nixon releases the first White House tapes on the Watergate scandal.  ***  DickiLeaks.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 25, 1946 – The first trial against Nazi war criminals begins in Nuremberg.   ***    The German prisoners were pretty confident…until they walked in and saw Judge Judy on the bench.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 21, 2016

1.   Kim Kardashian is reportedly so upset from the Paris robbery that friends and family are now handling her web site and app.  ***  In fact, she’s so distraught she needs to have someone else hold the smart phone for all her selfies.

2.   With so many incidents of people in clown outfits robbing banks and terrorizing children, a lot of communities are banning clown costumes.  ***  Now the folks at the Ringling Brothers Circus are really getting frustrated.  In fact, they’re so upset they’re going to get rid of all their clowns and bring back the elephants.

3.   Chinese scientists announced that their huge 1,654 foot “radio telescope” will be joining a $100 million international program to find signs of alien life.  ***  Or a really good oldies station.

4.   When the wife of Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari said she might not support his re-election, he stated, “I don’t know which party my wife belongs to, but she belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room.” ***  Mr. Buhari later announced that his campaign headquarters has been relocated to the doghouse.

5.   Officials at the Vatican are upset at McDonald’s plans to open a fast food restaurant right next to St. Peter’s Square.  ***   In a spirit of compromise, however, McDonald’s said customers waiting in line will be required speak softly, keep their hands folded and kneel while ordering.

6.   Police in several states are warning people that the creepy clowns terrorizing neighborhoods and businesses can be dangerous.  ***  If one of them sneezes his nose could fly off and cause serious injuries.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 20, 1965 – The Beatles receive a gold record for "Yesterday.”  ***  “Oh, thank you for the gold record. What’s it for?”  “It’s for ‘Yesterday’.” “Really? What did we do yesterday?”  “You sang ‘Yesterday’.”  “I know we sang yesterday. We sang the day before, too, but we didn’t get a gold record...”

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 19, 1216 – King John of England dies and is succeeded by Henry, his nine-year-old son.   ***  In the following years, brussel sprouts were outlawed, convicted criminals had to stand in the corner and all international conflicts were resolved with a game of rock-paper-scissors.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 18, 1929 – A high court rules that women are considered "Persons" under Canadian law.  ***  But only if they play hockey .

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 17, 1972 – Chuck Berry's "My Ding-a-ling" hits #1 on the pop charts.  ***  Later, it became the theme song for Viagra commercials.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 14, 2016

1.  Geraldo Rivera says he has a video that would be very embarrassing to Donald Trump.  ***  And Mr. Trump has recordings that would be very embarrassing to Mr. Rivera—all the old episodes of the “Geraldo” show. 

2.  Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  ***   In announcing the award, the Nobel committee said if it wasn’t for Colombia’s coffee beans people would be a lot more ornery in the morning.

3.  Samsung is recalling all Galaxy Note 7 smartphones because they have a tendency to burst into flames.  ***  Unfortunately, that means a lot of Boy Scouts now have to find another way to start campfires.

4.  Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the 83 year old Supreme Court justice, says that kneeling during the national anthem is “dumb and disrespectful.”  ***   She also pointed out that at her age it’s awkward, painful and difficult to get back up.

5.  Researchers at the University of Cambridge have found that some people tend to love cheese because of their DNA.  ***  Those people also like to scurry across the floor and occasionally squeak.

6.  On this date in history:  Oct 14, 1968 – Astronauts aboard Apollo 7 make the first live telecast from a U.S. spacecraft.  ***  People watching on Earth just couldn’t believe it—an entire TV broadcast without commercials.  

7.  On this date in history:  Oct 13, 1995 – Pamela Anderson is rushed to the hospital with flu-like symptoms.  *** The ambulance is met at the ER by 25 doctors with stethoscopes.

8.  On this date in history:  Oct 12, 1773 – America's first asylum opens for “Persons of insane and disordered minds” in Virginia.  ***  A few years later, a second location was established in nearby Washington D.C., but inmates there have to be voted in.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 11, 1881 - David Houston patents roll film for cameras.  ***  Note to millennials:  Ask Siri to explain “film.”

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 10, 1991 – Greyhound Bus ends bankruptcy.  ***  Cost-cutting measures include more efficient buses, dropping unprofitable routes and letting passengers take turns doing the driving. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 7, 2016

1.  As residents prepared for Hurricane Matthew, authorities in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina asked everyone to not call 9-1-1 over gas shortage squabbles and to be patient with one another.  ***   You know, that’s one sign that the end of civilization is near…when people can’t even be nice to each other in “Mount PLEASANT.” 

2.  A 30 year old man from Little Rock, Arkansas is claiming to be Bill Clinton’s biological son, saying that Mr. Clinton had a relationship with his mother when she was a prostitute.  ***  The man hasn’t done a DNA comparison yet, but he has Bill Clinton’s eyes, Bill Clinton’s nose and a strong desire to have sex with every woman he meets.

3.  As Hurricane Matthew approaches, thousands of East Coast residents are heading to higher ground.  ***  Well, that’s one way to avoid politicians.

4.  The robbers who broke into Kim Kardashian’s hotel room gagged her and tied her to a chair.  ***  Actually, if they had studied pictures of her they would have brought a lot more rope.

5.  LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton and says she is the only candidate who can understand the struggles of an Akron child born into poverty.  ***  Actually, Donald Trump also understands poverty, but he defines it as a family with a small mansion, only one summer home, and no chauffeur.

6.  On this date in history:  Oct 7, 1960 – "Route 66" premieres.  ***  It’s the story of two young men in a Corvette who wander up and down the same highway for years rather than ask for directions.

7.  On this date in history:  Oct 6, 1884 – The Naval War College is established in Newport, Rhode Island.  ***  It was just down the road from the Naval War High School.

8.  On this date in history:  Oct 5, 1892 – Members of the Dalton Gang are killed in a shoot-out at a Coffeyville, Kansas bank.   ***   And that was the last time that anyone ever challenged the overdraft fees.    

9.  On this date in history:  Oct 4, 1883 – The Orient Express makes its first run, linking Turkey to Europe.  ***   The train featured a comfortable ride, good food and an occasional murder.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 3, 1955 – "Captain Kangaroo" premieres.  ***   Little kids watching the show for the first time were disappointed to find out that he can’t even hop.