News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 27, 2020

 

As Covid concerns continue through the holiday season, people are becoming more creative in finding ways to reduce the spread of the virus.    ***   For example, Butterball turkeys now come with a 3-foot length of string attached to each end of the wishbone.

 

Organized crime is apparently alive and well in Philadelphia, where federal racketeering, loansharking and illegal gambling charges were recently filed against 15 members of La Costa Nostra, including 60 year old Joseph “Joey Electric” Servidio and 73 year old Anthony “Tony Meatballs” Gifoli.  ***  However, experts say mob life is losing much of its appeal for aspiring young criminals who see increasing evidence that all the good nicknames have already been taken.

 

Apparently moose like to lick road salt off cars, and with winter approaching Canadian authorities are concerned about the potential consequences.  ***  For example, if you have to drag along a moose that got its tongue frozen to your car’s bumper, your gas mileage will be terrible.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 20, 2020

 

In China, seniors are protesting the government’s plans to maintain a large workforce and delay pension expenses by raising the retirement age, which is currently set at 60 years old.   ***   In a hard-fought compromise, officials have agreed that--in lieu of formal retirement--workers over age 60 will be permitted to start the day whenever they feel like it, take long afternoon naps, scratch wherever it itches, and complain about nearly everything.        

 

Carl Lentz, the pastor of Hillsong mega-church, was fired by the church’s founder, Brian Houston, because of "moral failures." Pastor Lentz had been a spiritual adviser to many celebrities, including pop star Justin Bieber  *** Or, as Pastor Houston calls him, “Exhibit A.” 

 

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly demanding a fee of $20,000 per day to continue handling President Trump’s legal work and representing the president in court.  ***  Democrats are scrambling to come up with the money.

 

In Haines City, Florida, James Blight, 26, was arrested for stealing a bulldozer, knocking down a fence, and destroying political campaign signs on residential lawns.   ***   Thousands of Florida residents immediately offered to post bail for Mr. Blight and asked if he could provide the same service for their neighbor’s plastic pink flamingos.

 

At the USA Mullet Championships, a third grader from Celeste, Texas, took first place in the kids category, where the short-in-front and long-in-back styles included the “curly mullet,” the “freedom flapper” and the “Tennessee top hat.”  ***  However, the first-time entrants in the adult category all had the same style: ”I-trimmed-the-front-by-myself-but-didn’t-trust-my-wife-with-sharp-scissors.”

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 13, 2020

 

1.  McDonald’s has announced plans to provide quicker drive-thru service.   ***   Corporate officials didn't realize the lines were moving too slowly until local managers started renting porta-johns.

 

2.  While some people object to disclosing their phone number for contact tracing, old timers point out that decades ago everyone’s phone number was in the white pages.   ***  And telemarketers could be identified by the black ring around the tip of their index finger.

 

3.  The U.S. Postal Service recently announced a new zip code for Atlanta.   ***  Oh, the city moved?