News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 28, 2018

1.   A Michigan woman survived a roll-over accident on I-75 after losing control when her German shepherd jumped on the dash to bark at the windshield wipers.  ***  So, the car is upside down and smoking, the woman is distraught, all the emergency vehicles have arrived, and the dog is thinking, “I knew those things were trouble.”

2.   Stocks could lose 20% of their value in 2019 according to Todd Horwitz, a financial advisor with Bubba Trading.  ***   Generally, Bubba Trading recommends investing your money in old pick-up trucks, huntin’ dogs and a very large supply of beer.

3.   Scientists in Germany recently found traces of a Jurassic Period sea mammal known as “ichthyosaur,” but they said the only remaining material is the creature’s blubber, which has survived for 180 million years.   ***   Which kind of explains why it’s so hard to diet.     

4.   Arizona Governor Doug Ducey announced that even though there is a partial government shutdown, the Grand Canyon “will remain open.”  ***  Duh, I think it would be kinda tough to close it.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 21, 2018

1.   Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes has signed a major endorsement contract with Hunt’s Ketchup.   ***   Several other companies tried to do a deal with Mr. Mahomes, but the ketchup maker was the only one who could give him a fair shake.

2.   In a recent interview, Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood said, “We’re in our 70’s, but we’re still rocking like we’re 40 year olds.”   ***   That’s amazing—I didn’t think any of the Stones could remember that far back.

3.   In order to reduce chaos at the gate, Delta Airlines is changing the way passengers board planes.  ***   Starting immediately, they’ll be required to board sober.

4.   Because of Pancho Villa’s crimes against Americans, the Tucson, Arizona community has been divided about what to do with a statue of the Mexican revolutionary riding a horse.  ***  In a compromise solution, the statue will be somewhat modified and the plaque will now read, “Pancho Villa’s Horse.” 

5.   Lou Ferrigno, who played “The Incredible Hulk,” was hospitalized after a reaction to a pneumonia shot.   ***  Unfortunately, all the doctors ran away when he started to turn green.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 14, 2018

1.   Under new rules, Delta Airlines will not allow you to take your emotional support animal on flights longer than 8 hours.   ***   Unless you’re the pilot. 

2.   An elderly British couple in their 70’s were arrested aboard the cruise ship Marco Polo after authorities found 20 pounds of cocaine hidden in their cabin.  ***    Well, that certainly seems to explain the huge waiting list for the senior cruise.

3.   In Torrance, California, two nuns have been accused of embezzling $500,000 from the Catholic school where they were teachers.  ***  That’s a major felony, so they’re facing some serious jail time and up to 25 raps on the knuckles with a giant ruler.

4.   In Alloa, Scotland, a mother sent her young son to school with an inflatable sheep for a manger scene, not realizing it was a blow-up sex toy.  ***    The first clue was when someone squeezed it and it said, “B-a-a-a-a-d Boy.”

5.   Ramsey Bearse, a former Miss Kentucky, has been charged with a sending a nude photo of herself to a high school student.   ***    Actually, it was just the standard Miss Kentucky pose, which included the tiara, the pageant sash and a strategically-placed bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 7, 2018

1.   Rania Youssef, an Egyptian actress, has been charged with public indecency for wearing a revealing dress and thereby “inciting debauchery and temptation.”   ***  The young woman is in a heap of trouble, but sales of the dress have skyrocketed.

2.   An 85 year old man at Florida’s Cypress Lakes Retirement Community was bitten on the foot by an alligator.   ***   How demoralizing—the guy’s already got one foot in the grave, and then an alligator tries to bite off the other one. 

3.   In London, workers found a 500 year old skeleton of a man near the River Thames, and he was still wearing his thigh-high leather boots.   ***   You know, it must be discouraging when you hang on to your favorite pair of boots for 500 years and they still haven’t come back into style.

4.   Richard Branson says his Virgin Galactic space travel company will be taking visitors to space by Christmas.  ***  In fact, they’re in final stages of training all the reindeer.

5.   A blind man in New York is suing Playboy’s website because it’s not compatible with his screen-reading app.  ***  Previously, he sued the magazine version because he kept cutting his finger on the centerfold staple.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 30, 2018

1.   According to a study issued by 24/7 Wall St., the state with the lowest literacy rate is Nevada.  ***   Fortunately, most people there won’t be able to read the report.

2.   In a new study in the journal “Learning & Behavior,” researchers concluded that dogs have certain social skills but they’re not exceptionally smart.   ***  Well, obviously those idiots never watched an episode of “Lassie.”

3.   A group of Satanists has sued Netflix for using an image of Baphomet, a deity that they worship, in a show without their permission.   ***   However, the cult withdrew their suit after Netflix agreed to drop the orange hair, the red cap and the golf cart.

4.   In Paris, unruly crowds have been exhibiting rowdy behavior, disrespecting French landmarks and disrupting the tranquility of the Champs-Elysees, with no regard for the damage to their country’s reputation.   ***   And that’s just the usual American tourists.

5.   Egyptian archaeologists recently discovered dozens of ancient cat mummies wrapped in fabric, much like their human counterparts.   ***  After closer examination, however, they saw that the cats just got themselves hopelessly tangled up in huge balls of yarn.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 23, 2018

1.   The Statue of Liberty’s original copper and gold torch, which was replaced in 1984, has just been placed in a museum on Liberty Island.  ***  There was an alternate proposal from the White House, but with the caravan so close there just wasn’t time to melt it down and make barbed wire.

2.   A Canadian curling team was kicked out of the Red Deer Curling Tournament because of “unacceptable behavior,” which included getting drunk, breaking brooms and swearing.   ***   Sounds like me when I have to do the housework.

3.   A recent article on the Allure website tells how to get rid of pimples on your butt.   ***  Actually, I thought we took care of them with the mid-term elections.

4.   In criticizing China’s trade agreement proposal, President Trump said, “We can’t have trade that’s meant for stupid people.”  ***    Hey, I didn’t even know we were trading stupid people; do we just exchange ours for theirs?

5.   Irv Gordon has just died at the age of 77, after attaining fame for driving his 1966 Volvo over 3.2 million miles, ***   According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the only vehicle with more miles on it is President Trump’s golf cart.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 16, 2018

1.   A New Jersey couple and a homeless vet have been charged with setting up scam involving a GoFundMe account based on sympathy for the veteran.   ***   It was a very elaborate scheme: First, they started a war…

2.   The National Defense Strategy Commission has just issued a report which concluded that military weaknesses in several areas could cause the U.S. to lose a war against China or Russia.   ***   That shocking assessment generated a strong reaction at the Pentagon, where hundreds of high-level officials immediately called their bookies to change their bets.

3.   Architectural Digest has published a list of beautiful buildings in Canada that are impressive but don’t seem to attract many tourists.   ***    Unfortunately, most of them are in areas without any marijuana shops.

4.   According to the NASA website, some Christmas lights are visible from space.   ***   In fact, the agency admitted that the space shuttle’s primary navigational aid was Clark Griswold’s house.

5.   American Airlines is now offering early-boarding to passengers with nut allergies so they can wipe down their own seating areas.  ***   Previously, early-boarding for wipe down was only offered to a Mr. Adrian Monk.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 9, 2018

1.   In Michigan, Oakland County is now hiring snow plow drivers, but says the positions will be part-time.  ***  However, they did not give a reason for that optimism.

2.   A house in Fresno, California suffered major fire damage after the owner tried to kill black widow spiders with a blowtorch.  ***   Actually, the guy was too smart to try to burn the spiders--he just set his house on fire so the fire hoses would drown them.

3.   Delta Airlines has apologized to a man who had to sit in a feces-splattered seat that had not been cleaned.  ***  An airline spokesman explained that the previous flight was a little rough, and some passengers did not have their bowels in the upright and locked position.

4.   Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams recently revealed her struggle with depression.   ***   I don’t know what kind of parent Destiny is, but some folks just need to be a little more supportive of their kids.

5.   After the turmoil of his confirmation process, new Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh will not participate in the tradition of walking down the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building following his investiture because of concerns for his safety.  ***  Maybe they could install a handrail?

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 2, 2018

1.   As a Halloween promotion, Reese’s designed a vending machine that allows kids to exchange unwanted candy for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.   ***   Meanwhile, for adults who want to exchange things they don’t like, we have the mid-term elections.

2.   After speaking at a Mike Pence rally in Michigan, a Messianic Jewish rabbi was criticized for saying Jesus is “the Messiah,” which is contrary to the beliefs of mainstream Jews.  ***  And the White House.

3.   Near Phoenix, Arizona, a 60 year old man was rescued three days after falling into a mine shaft, where he suffered a broken leg, internal bleeding, dehydration and encounters with rattlesnakes.  ***  But, he said it was still a lot better than being around all the mid-term election campaigns.

4.   Meghan Markle reportedly cut short her visit to a Fiji marketplace because of security concerns.   ***   Actually, it was because all the vendors refused her demands for a “princess discount.”

5.   Reports from Mexico say people in the caravan traveling toward the U.S. border have been smoking marijuana.   ***   Actually, that’s good news; they may be heading to Canada.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 26, 2018

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1.   In the flurry of letter bombs recently sent out, one of them had been mis-addressed and was returned to sender.   ***   Police suddenly remembered a similar scenario many years ago and have put out an APB for a Wile E. Coyote.

2.   Dorcas Reilly, the woman who invented the green bean casserole while working at Campbell Soup, has died at the age of 92.  ***  Funeral services will be held this Saturday, followed by a luncheon. In lieu of casserole dishes, the family is requesting flowers.

3.   Using computer graphics software, researchers in England have been able to create an image of “the world’s sexiest man.”  ***  Actually, it was easy—they just took a picture of a random guy and then Photoshopped him holding the winning $1.6 billion lottery ticket.

4.   For six years Wikileaks’ Julian Assange has been sheltered in Ecuador’s embassy in London, but now he is suing his hosts because they are making him personally take care of his cat and jamming his access to the Internet.  ***  I can certainly understand Mr. Assange’s outrage—there’s nothing worse than having a cat and not being able to post videos on Facebook.

5.   Today President Trump will attend a Houston rally to praise Ted Cruz, but some people are accusing him of hypocrisy because during the presidential campaign he referred to Mr. Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted.” ***  Duh, it was a compliment.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 19, 2018

1.   A Chechen woman who claims to be 129 years old says she has had a rough life and only recalls one day when she was truly happy.  ***  On the other hand, her memory only goes back about a day and a half.

2.   A high school student in Davis, California has been accused of giving classmates cookies that contained her grandmother’s ashes.   ***   School officials became suspicious when dozens of students suddenly began knitting.

3.   To strengthen his role in royal family, Prince Harry has just been given the additional title of “personal aide-de-camp to the queen.”  ***  That means he’ll have to assist the 92 year old monarch if she ever decides to go camping.

4.   The U.S. Postal Service is proposing an increase of five cents for a first class stamp.   ***   OK, so now we’re back to the original definition of “going postal.”

5.   President Trump is scheduled to participate in a live interview on Fox News tonight.   ***   However, it’s expected to be very scripted:  Prior to the session, Mr. Trump will give Fox a list of all the questions to ask…and Fox will give him a list of all the answers.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 12, 2018

1.   In an interview with “Men’s Health” magazine, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted there were several times when he “stepped over the line” in his treatment of women.  ***  He said it probably wasn’t proper to hold maid interviews in the bedroom.

2.   McDonald’s announced it will be eliminating all artificial ingredients in its hamburgers.  ***  As a result, the Quarter Pounder will now be the Eighth Pounder, the Big Mac will now be a Small Mac, and the Cheeseburger will just be…the Burger.

3.   Police in the UK recently freed a 58 year old man who had been held captive for 40 years in a garden shed with only a bed, a chair, a hot plate, a scrap of carpet and a TV.  ***  How sad—it was just one beer fridge short of a man cave.

4.   The FDA has just revoked its approval of seven food additives because of their adverse effects on humans. *** In the interest of public safety, they banned everything that was fed to the senate committee handling the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.

5.   In Hartland, Michigan, a high school cheerleader was caught handing out marijuana-filled brownies in order to get voted prom queen.  ***   In a related story, Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in as a Supreme Court justice and he expressed his gratitude to President Trump, Betty Crocker and an old prep school buddy known only as “Weed.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 5, 2018

1.   Over the past six years, more than 250 people around the world have died from taking selfies in dangerous poses.   ***  The last words they ever heard were their spouses shouting, “You’re fine, dear—just another step back.”

2.   According to a recent study, the unhappiest state in the country is West Virginia, which has the highest rate of adult depression.  ***   In fact, things are so bad that Happy Hour has never lasted more than 5 minutes.

3.   At 2:18 this afternoon everyone in the U.S. will receive a test alert message from the president on their cell phones.  ***  When a real emergency occurs, the president’s message will state the nature of the crisis and will describe how the Democrats caused it, how the fake news lied about it and how he’s going to fix it all by himself.

4.   Education Secretary Betsy DeVos just invested $1 million in a company that makes gunsights, and people are complaining that it makes for “bad optics.”  ***  Ms. DeVos strongly disagreed and said, “No, they actually make great optics.”

5.   The Boy Scouts of America has recalled its official neckerchief slides because of excessive levels of lead.   ***   Officials began to suspect the high lead content when the scouts seemed to be spending a lot of time looking at their shoes.  

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 28, 2018

1.   General Motors is recalling 240,000 vehicles because of a problem with the rear brakes.  ***   However, a company spokesman assured owners that the front end of the car will stop just fine.

2.   Mexican federal authorities have taken over control of the Acapulco police department.  ***  A government spokesman said the local force did an outstanding job of eliminating corruption, fighting crime and ousting the drug cartels, but it just couldn’t handle college kids on spring break.

3.   A Jet Airways flight in India had to return to Mumbai after several passengers suffered from nose and ear bleeds.  ***  Technically, however, the new high-power earbuds were a success.

4.   When Hurricane Florence hit North Carolina, over three million chickens died.  ***   Or as Colonel Sanders called it, “Friday.”

5.   Tonight is the start of Season 27 of “Dancing with the Stars,” and the celebrity lineup includes “Dukes of Hazzard” star John Schneider.  ***  In a change from the usual celebrity-professional pairings, Mr. Schneider will be dancing with Boss Hogg.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 21, 2018

1.   A 7-Eleven clerk in Ferndale, Michigan has been arrested and charged with embezzlement.  ***  Acting on an anonymous tip, police raided her home and found a veritable fortune in stolen Slurpees.

2.   Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is apparently a stickler for proper punctuation and he had his staff send out two memos to State Department employees instructing them on the correct use of commas.  ***  Here we’ve been worried about the Russians, and it turns out that our own Secretary of State is a gol-durned  commanist.

3.   Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin got their marriage license in Los Angeles last week.  ***  Marriage license applications are bit different in L.A.  To expedite future paperwork, couples also need to submit a preliminary list of all their irreconcilable differences.    

4.   In the high winds of Hurricane Florence, a North Carolina family that had to be rescued after refusing to evacuate explained, “We thought we’d be safe in brick house.”  ***   Folks, it’s never a good idea to base your survival strategy on a story you read in a children’s book.

5.   In New Mexico, authorities recently evacuated the Sunspot Solar Observatory near Roswell, the site of a rumored 1947 space alien landing.  ***  There was no explanation for the evacuation; a spokesman said you just don’t question an order from the mothership.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 14, 2018

1.   President Trump is claiming that federal assistance to Puerto Rico in the wake of Hurricane Maria was an “unsung success.”  ***  To make sure that doesn’t happen with the current storm, the White House has already started holding auditions for “Florence, the Musical.”

2.   In Livonia, Michigan, traffic on I-275 was disrupted Wednesday morning due to a “hazardous material” incident.   ***  A police spokesperson said there was a serious accident involving several cars and a water truck from Flint.

3.   There are more and more rumors that Howard Schultz, the former CEO of Starbucks, is planning to run for president.   ***   Great—instead of a leader who spends so much time on the golf course, we’ll have one who runs the country from a laptop computer at the corner table in a coffee shop.

4.   Mattress Firm Inc., the largest U.S. mattress retailer, announced they may file for bankruptcy.  ***   No wonder the company’s in trouble—every time they need to make a decision they say they’ll have to sleep on it.

5.   In explaining why she did not tell President Trump about Bob Woodward’s request for an interview, Kellyanne Conway said Mr. Woodward could have just called the switchboard.  ***   She seemed perfectly sincere…until she wrinkled her nose and said, “One ringy dingy…two ringy dingy…”