Friday, April 24, 2015

Friday, April 24, 2015

1.        Mary Doyle Keefe, who posed for Norman Rockwell’s painting, “Rosie the Riveter,” has passed away at the age of 92.  ***   Actually, old riveters never die; they just get hammered.

2.        In Britain, the number of women becoming nuns has hit a 25-year high, and they say it’s because the Catholic church offers them everything they need:  A meaningful life, freedom from financial worry  *** and a really good dental plan.

3.        McDonald’s just revealed that it has already closed 350 locations this year, a move which was not previously announced.  ***  I think they should have at least told all those people lined up at the drive-thru.

4.        Target officials have apologized for web site snafus during the rush for the limited supply of Lilly Pulitzer resort clothing.  ***  On the other hand, WalMart is still struggling to unload its supply of Charlie Sheen designer flip-flops.

5.        Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, has died at the age of 14.  ***  An autopsy showed that the poor dog died from excessive exposure to pink.

6.        Nine distillery workers in Kentucky were arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of premium bourbon in oak barrels.  ***  The thieves are expected to be sentenced to several years of aging.

7.        At 39 years old, actress Charlize Theron says that women should embrace the aging process.  ***  In fact, she says looks forward to being 39 for many years to come.

8.        According to the web site, the most popular name for cats is Lily.  ***  Although most cats will respond to the popular nickname, GetOffTheCounterDammit!

9.        A Catholic priest in Ann Arbor is urging parishioners to arm themselves, and his church is hosting a concealed pistol license class. ***  Well, it looks like things might get a little more exciting on bingo night.

10.     A group of doctors is demanding that TV celebrity “Dr. Oz” be removed from his faculty position at Columbia University because of his “disdain for evidence-based medicine.”  ***  Additionally, the doctors wish to inform Dr. Oz that the Neilson Ratings are not considered evidence.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Friday, Apr 17, 2015

1.        A Detroit police officer has been arrested for a drive-by shooting  ***  …or, as they call it in Detroit, distracted driving.

2.        “Real Housewives” star Kim Richards was arrested after a drunken rage at the famous Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills and was charged with resisting arrest, battery of a police officer   ***  and failing to wait until the cameras were rolling.

3.        A Florida man landed his one-man gyrocopter on Capitol Hill in order to bring attention to “bi-partisan corruption” in Congress.  ***  Of course, that’s ridiculous. This Congress doesn’t do anything bi-partisan.

4.        Nine of the Atlanta school teachers accused of cheating to raise standardized test scores have been given jail sentences.  ***  Also, a note was sent home to their parents.

5.        Singer Percy Sledge has died at the age of 74.   ***   He is survived by his son, MC Hammer.

6.        A survey in Britain reveals that most people lie on a first date--men lie about their income and women lie about their age—but by the third date they start being honest.   ***   The survey also showed that there aren’t many fourth dates.

7.        U.S. officials filed a protest after an American reconnaissance aircraft was intercepted by a Russian jet in an unsafe manner.  ***   You know, those Russian pilots just never got over the opening scene of “Top Gun.”

8.        As Californians look for ways to conserve water, they are finding they need to make some big sacrifices.  ***   Water Conservation Tip #1: Drink scotch without water.  Water Conservation Tip #2: Drink enough of it that you don’t care about the sacrifices.

9.        Lindsay Lohan, who has moved to England to relax for a while, was furious when she found out her mother, Dina, is coming there to star in a TV show.  ***  After all, Lindsay has her pride, and she insists on being the first Lohan thrown into a British jail.

10.     An off-duty Secret Service agent was arrested last week for breaking into his ex-girlfriend’s home.  ***  This goes against everything the Secret Service stands for: Misbehaving while on duty.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Friday, Apr 3, 2015

1.        President Obama has been dismayed by the government downfall in Yemen, as well as the rebel setbacks in Syria and the outcome of the Israeli elections.  ***  You know, his Middle East Region bracket picks just aren’t doing well at all. (But he’s still hoping the U.S. makes it to the Final Four.)

2.        To reduce car-bike accidents, Volvo engineers have developed a new paint that makes bicycles more visible at night.  ***  And, they’ve added an audible warning by designing an extra loud baseball card to rub on the spokes.

3.        President Obama has shortened the prison sentences of 22 inmates serving time for drug offenses.  ***  Actually, he just recalculated their sentences using Common Core math.

4.        The State Department says it could only find four e-mails sent by Hilary Clinton regarding military drones.  ***  And in each case the Pentagon refused her request to target Monica Lewinsky.

5.        Gary Dahl, creator of the Pet Rock, has died at the age of 78.  ***  His family didn’t disclose his final wishes, but they did say they were looking for some really strong pallbearers.

6.        After six years of togetherness, Susan Sarandon and Jonathan Bricklin are splitting up.  They first met when he was only 31 and she was 62.  ***  Which gave a whole new meaning to the term “double dating.”

7.        Solar Impulse 2, a solar-powered plane on an around-the-world flight, has successfully made it to China.  The aircraft is an engineering marvel, with 17,000 solar panels, a 236 foot wingspan *** and adequate legroom.

8.        Some people think the new Barbie doll—which is connected to Wi-Fi so it can talk with little girls—is a bad idea.  ***  Yes, when those little girls grow up they’ll think they can just hook their husband up to Wi-Fi and actually carry on a conversation.

9.        It appears that a 180 year-old locomotive might be buried under Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn.  ***   City workers have heard an underground voice that keeps saying, “I think I can…I think I can…”

10.     Yelp reviews indicate the best restaurants for waffles are in California and Oregon.  ***  But the very best waffling is still up on Capitol Hill.