1. President Obama has been dismayed by the government downfall in Yemen, as well as the rebel setbacks in Syria and the outcome of the Israeli elections. *** You know, his Middle East Region bracket picks just aren’t doing well at all. (But he’s still hoping the U.S. makes it to the Final Four.)
2. To reduce car-bike accidents, Volvo engineers have developed a new paint that makes bicycles more visible at night. *** And, they’ve added an audible warning by designing an extra loud baseball card to rub on the spokes.
3. President Obama has shortened the prison sentences of 22 inmates serving time for drug offenses. *** Actually, he just recalculated their sentences using Common Core math.
4. The State Department says it could only find four e-mails sent by Hilary Clinton regarding military drones. *** And in each case the Pentagon refused her request to target Monica Lewinsky.
5. Gary Dahl, creator of the Pet Rock, has died at the age of 78. *** His family didn’t disclose his final wishes, but they did say they were looking for some really strong pallbearers.
6. After six years of togetherness, Susan Sarandon and Jonathan Bricklin are splitting up. They first met when he was only 31 and she was 62. *** Which gave a whole new meaning to the term “double dating.”
7. Solar Impulse 2, a solar-powered plane on an around-the-world flight, has successfully made it to China. The aircraft is an engineering marvel, with 17,000 solar panels, a 236 foot wingspan *** and adequate legroom.
8. Some people think the new Barbie doll—which is connected to Wi-Fi so it can talk with little girls—is a bad idea. *** Yes, when those little girls grow up they’ll think they can just hook their husband up to Wi-Fi and actually carry on a conversation.
9. It appears that a 180 year-old locomotive might be buried under Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn. *** City workers have heard an underground voice that keeps saying, “I think I can…I think I can…”
10. Yelp reviews indicate the best restaurants for waffles are in California and Oregon. *** But the very best waffling is still up on Capitol Hill.