Friday, January 31, 2014

Friday, Jan 31, 2014

  1. A Royal Caribbean Cruise ship docked in Bayonne, New Jersey to disembark hundreds of passengers who caught some sort of virus.  ***  And, like a well-oiled machine, Governor Chris Christie’s staff immediately rushed to the site and blocked ALL the lanes of traffic.

  1. Fashion model Chantel Jeffries, who was allegedly with Justin Bieber when he was arrested for DUI, is denying rumors that she has a criminal history, including five arrests.  ***  You know, if she really wants to protect her reputation, she should forget about that other stuff and just deny that she’s a friend of Justin Bieber.    

  1. A petition on the White House web site to deport Justin Bieber back to Canada has over 100,000 signatures, which means it will get a presidential review.  ***  I don’t think President Obama will deport Bieber.  With his popularity at an all time low, he can’t afford to upset Canada.

  1. President Obama increased the minimum wage that government contractors need to pay their workers.  ***  And then he made it even tougher for contractors by also increasing the minimum amounts for bribes and kick-backs.

  1. The remains of a 300,000 year-old campfire have been discovered near Tel Aviv, Israel.  Archaeologists also found some charred bones, primitive tools *** and a half-eaten pile of s’mores.

  1. According to an article in the journal “Nature,” scientists in Boulder, Colorado have just developed a new atomic clock that is accurate to within one second over 5 billion years. ***  Unfortunately, nobody there cares about it.  Colorado just legalized pot, and now people there don’t even wear a watch anymore.

  1. Russian opponents of President Vladimir Putin are claiming that the Sochi Olympics are a $50 billion corruption extravaganza.  ***  Mr. Putin vehemently denied the allegations and said that the corruption was no more than $40 billion, tops.
  1. NBC is bringing Bill Cosby back to television with a new sitcom at the age of 76.  ***  So, now Jay Leno’s expecting to return to the Tonight Show in about 13 years.

  1. According to a company called SplashData, people are still selecting poor passwords.  Last year the most common password was the word “password,” and now it’s the number “123456.”  ***  Slacker thought process:  Gee, “password” is so hard to remember—is it one word or two?  Is it hyphenated? Are there one or two “s’s”? Do I capitalize the “p”?  Aw heck, I’ll just go with “123456.”

  1. China is embarking on a nation-wide program to duplicate famous settings around the world. For example, they built an Eiffel Tower and called it Paris, and they built a White House and called it Washington D.C.  ***  And then there’s the low cost version, where they just blocked off a few lanes on a bridge and called it New Jersey.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Friday, Jan 24, 2014

1.        According to NASA, the Mars rover just discovered a very unusual looking rock, and it was described as being the size of a jelly donut.   ***   I believe that information came from the NASA spokesman they call “Chubby.”

2.        Convicted con man Bernie Madoff recently had a heart attack in prison.  ***  Actually, it was part of a big pyramid scheme – He got a heart attack, then three of his buddies had heart attacks, then three of each of their buddies had heart attacks…

3.        Researchers in Boston say that obesity can lead to hearing loss.  *** So, maybe Chris Christie was telling the truth…he really didn’t hear his aides talk about closing those traffic lanes.

4.        Archaeologists working at an abbey in Winchester, England solved the mystery of where King Albert the Great was buried when they did DNA testing on a pelvic bone.  *** A careful examination of the pelvic remains also solved the mystery of why he was considered “Great.”

5.        Scientists in England have developed a computer program that can analyze a book and predict whether it will be successful.   It counts the number of adjectives, the number of conjunctions  ***  and the number of colorful drawings with words like “POW!!!”, “KABOOM!!!” and “ZAP!!!”

6.        There’s a new computer app called “Fixed” that helps you fight parking tickets.  ***  I believe it automatically transfers money from your personal bank account to the judge’s.

7.        Researchers in Boston say they have found a link between hearing loss and obesity.  *** It’s easier to over-eat when you can’t hear your brain yelling, “STOP!”

8.        China has started building its second aircraft carrier.  ***   They expect construction to move along fairly slowly until summer, when school is out.

9.        At the site of the winter Olympics in Russia, some workers were injured when they fell while shoveling snow off a roof.   ***   Officials described their falls as 4.6, 5.2 and 5.7.

10.     China has assured the United States that its new hypersonic aircraft, which can fly at ten times the speed of sound, is not intended to penetrate American air defenses.  ***  They just want a faster way to get their products to Wal-Mart.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Friday, Jan 17, 2014

1.        Researchers at the University of Texas say that video games may be a major reason for the recent decline in violent crimes.   ***  Kids can’t figure out how to fire a weapon that they can’t operate with their thumbs.

2.        The Vatican says it wants to reduce the costs of nominating someone for sainthood, with legal fees and other expenses now running close to a million dollars.  ***  I think the problem is that they can’t find many saint candidates among the one-percent.

3.        Investigators have learned that when that Southwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in Missouri, there was a third person—a company dispatcher—sitting in the cockpit.  ***  And that’s very disturbing, because it means there were THREE Southwest employees who couldn’t find the right airport.

4.        In New York City, drivers of horse-drawn carriages are fighting Mayor DeBlasio’s plan to ban the carriage rides because they are allegedly detrimental to the welfare of the horses.  ***  But, in a compromise measure to keep the carriages rolling,  the White House has agreed to cover the horses under Obamacare.

5.        President Obama plans to announce changes in the NSA’s spying program, including cutbacks in spying on leaders who are friendly toward the United States.  ***  You know, if there were any.

6.        Paula Abdul is suing a tanning salon for injuries received when she underwent an infra-red treatment that promised to burn off 1200 calories.   ***  She is also suing them for a previous treatment that left her extremely gullible.

7.        The long-time partner of the French president was hospitalized for exhaustion after she found out the president has been having an affair with another woman.   ***    Hey, he’s the one trying to please two women—shouldn’t he be the one who’s exhausted?

8.        Some Detroit students were let out of school early one day last week because they had no heat.   ***  You see, it wouldn’t be fair to have those kids walking around totally defenseless.

9.        Even though Colorado has legalized marijuana, authorities may ban it at the Denver Airport.  ***  And let me tell you, the pilots are furious.

10.     The newly merged Fiat-Chrysler company is considering listing on the New York or Hong Kong stock exchanges, and CEO Sergio Marchionne says, “We will go where the money is.”   ***   Hmmm…I believe the last auto executive to say that was John DeLorean.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Friday, Jan 10, 2014

1.        During the recent blizzard a pregnant woman in Indiana had to give birth at home with no one there to help her.   ***  That wasn’t because of the weather…It’s because she had signed up for the Obamacare “bronze” plan.

2.        Snooki, from the TV show “Jersey Shore,” just got the results of a genealogical DNA analysis, and she was shocked to learn that she isn’t really Italian.   ***   I think the same thing recently happened to Olive Garden.

3.        JWoww from “Jersey Shore” announced that she is pregnant.  ***  Let’s see, JWoww is going to have a baby, and Snookie already had a baby, and Pauly D just revealed that he became a father a couple months ago…OH MY GOD!  THEY’RE MULTIPLYING!

4.        According to the National Youth Fitness Survey, three in four young American teenagers do not get at least one hour of daily physical activity.   ***   On the positive side, they have the strongest thumbs in the world.

5.        In Lexington, Kentucky, it was so cold that escaped convict Robert Vick turned himself in so he could get warm.   ***  In fact, it’s so cold that police are cutting down on crime by keeping their cars warm and driving slowly through town so criminals can jump in.

6.        The latest diet craze is to drastically reduce food intake for two or three days each week.  It’s called I.F., or “Intermittent Fasting.”  ***  That’s on the days you fast.  On the other days it’s known as IWG,  “Intermittent weight gain.”

7.        A study by Consumer Reports says that most raw chicken sold in the United States has “worrisome amounts” of bacteria.   ***   Or as KFC calls it, “Extra Crunchy.”

8.        In order to promote healthy eating by students, a school district in New York is sending parents a weekly report on what their child had for lunch.   ***  And, if the class bully stole your kid’s lunch money, the report will tell you what the bully ate.

9.        With cold weather sweeping across half the country I guess it’s appropriate that the top film at the box office this weekend was the Disney movie “Frozen.”  Second place was “Paranormal Activity,”  ***  which is the story about Congress recently agreeing on a budget.

10.     Dennis Rodman is headed back to North Korea with a group of former NBA players to play an exhibition game against the North Korean team.   ***   And President Kim Jong Un has announced that the halftime show will include a special performance by the North Korean national firing squad.