1. According to NASA, the Mars rover just discovered a very unusual looking rock, and it was described as being the size of a jelly donut. *** I believe that information came from the NASA spokesman they call “Chubby.”
2. Convicted con man Bernie Madoff recently had a heart attack in prison. *** Actually, it was part of a big pyramid scheme – He got a heart attack, then three of his buddies had heart attacks, then three of each of their buddies had heart attacks…
3. Researchers in Boston say that obesity can lead to hearing loss. *** So, maybe Chris Christie was telling the truth…he really didn’t hear his aides talk about closing those traffic lanes.
4. Archaeologists working at an abbey in Winchester, England solved the mystery of where King Albert the Great was buried when they did DNA testing on a pelvic bone. *** A careful examination of the pelvic remains also solved the mystery of why he was considered “Great.”
5. Scientists in England have developed a computer program that can analyze a book and predict whether it will be successful. It counts the number of adjectives, the number of conjunctions *** and the number of colorful drawings with words like “POW!!!”, “KABOOM!!!” and “ZAP!!!”
6. There’s a new computer app called “Fixed” that helps you fight parking tickets. *** I believe it automatically transfers money from your personal bank account to the judge’s.
7. Researchers in Boston say they have found a link between hearing loss and obesity. *** It’s easier to over-eat when you can’t hear your brain yelling, “STOP!”
8. China has started building its second aircraft carrier. *** They expect construction to move along fairly slowly until summer, when school is out.
9. At the site of the winter Olympics in Russia, some workers were injured when they fell while shoveling snow off a roof. *** Officials described their falls as 4.6, 5.2 and 5.7.
10. China has assured the United States that its new hypersonic aircraft, which can fly at ten times the speed of sound, is not intended to penetrate American air defenses. *** They just want a faster way to get their products to Wal-Mart.