News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 27, 2020

 

As Covid concerns continue through the holiday season, people are becoming more creative in finding ways to reduce the spread of the virus.    ***   For example, Butterball turkeys now come with a 3-foot length of string attached to each end of the wishbone.

 

Organized crime is apparently alive and well in Philadelphia, where federal racketeering, loansharking and illegal gambling charges were recently filed against 15 members of La Costa Nostra, including 60 year old Joseph “Joey Electric” Servidio and 73 year old Anthony “Tony Meatballs” Gifoli.  ***  However, experts say mob life is losing much of its appeal for aspiring young criminals who see increasing evidence that all the good nicknames have already been taken.

 

Apparently moose like to lick road salt off cars, and with winter approaching Canadian authorities are concerned about the potential consequences.  ***  For example, if you have to drag along a moose that got its tongue frozen to your car’s bumper, your gas mileage will be terrible.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 20, 2020

 

In China, seniors are protesting the government’s plans to maintain a large workforce and delay pension expenses by raising the retirement age, which is currently set at 60 years old.   ***   In a hard-fought compromise, officials have agreed that--in lieu of formal retirement--workers over age 60 will be permitted to start the day whenever they feel like it, take long afternoon naps, scratch wherever it itches, and complain about nearly everything.        

 

Carl Lentz, the pastor of Hillsong mega-church, was fired by the church’s founder, Brian Houston, because of "moral failures." Pastor Lentz had been a spiritual adviser to many celebrities, including pop star Justin Bieber  *** Or, as Pastor Houston calls him, “Exhibit A.” 

 

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly demanding a fee of $20,000 per day to continue handling President Trump’s legal work and representing the president in court.  ***  Democrats are scrambling to come up with the money.

 

In Haines City, Florida, James Blight, 26, was arrested for stealing a bulldozer, knocking down a fence, and destroying political campaign signs on residential lawns.   ***   Thousands of Florida residents immediately offered to post bail for Mr. Blight and asked if he could provide the same service for their neighbor’s plastic pink flamingos.

 

At the USA Mullet Championships, a third grader from Celeste, Texas, took first place in the kids category, where the short-in-front and long-in-back styles included the “curly mullet,” the “freedom flapper” and the “Tennessee top hat.”  ***  However, the first-time entrants in the adult category all had the same style: ”I-trimmed-the-front-by-myself-but-didn’t-trust-my-wife-with-sharp-scissors.”

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Nov 13, 2020

 

1.  McDonald’s has announced plans to provide quicker drive-thru service.   ***   Corporate officials didn't realize the lines were moving too slowly until local managers started renting porta-johns.

 

2.  While some people object to disclosing their phone number for contact tracing, old timers point out that decades ago everyone’s phone number was in the white pages.   ***  And telemarketers could be identified by the black ring around the tip of their index finger.

 

3.  The U.S. Postal Service recently announced a new zip code for Atlanta.   ***  Oh, the city moved?

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 23, 2020

 

1.   A North Carolina man was charged with attempted fraud after applying for $6 million in Paycheck Protection Program loans using fictitious names from the medieval drama "Game of Thrones"  ***  Federal authorities rejected his application and told him he missed the filing deadline by about 1,000 years.

 

2.   A fashion magazine’s series on seasonal fashion trends includes an article on “14 New Fall Styles.”  *** Call me old school, but I still prefer the classic style, where I’m walking along and my feet just kinda slip out from under me. 

 

3.   The San Diego Zoo’s gorilla exhibit has been temporarily closed to repair the viewing window which was cracked when a few gorillas got riled up and began running around the enclosure, and one gorilla aggressively slammed another one into the glass.   ***  The police are now asking for the public’s help in identifying the visitor who showed the gorillas a professional hockey game on his cell phone.

 

4.   Icon, the maker NordicTrack and other fitness machines, is suing competitor Peloton, claiming the design of Peloton’s new stationary bike infringes on several Icon patents.   ***  Icon claims it invented the general concept of a bicycle that wouldn’t actually go anywhere even if you did use it, as well as specific design features such as timer-activated fans to periodically blow off the dust and handlebars that double as clothes racks.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 16, 2020

 

1.   Actress Margaret Nolan, whose gold-painted body was the backdrop for the opening credits of “Goldfinger,” has passed away at the age of 76.   ***  Today’s riddle:  How is a gold-plated “Bond Girl” like a blow-up doll? They both become more valuable with inflation.

 

2.   Wells Fargo recently fired more than 100 employees for misrepresenting themselves to obtain money from a relief fund for small businesses.   ***   In a fraudulent attempt to capitalize on the Wells Fargo brand, the employees had identified their jobs as “stationmaster,” “stagecoach driver,” and “that guy who sits by the driver and carries a shotgun.”

 

3.   The German government has warned the King of Thailand, who frequently travels to Bavaria for extended stays, to stop trying to rule his country remotely from German soil.   ***  The monarch’s arrangement came to light when a Thai citizen noticed that the king’s most confusing edicts always seemed to coincide with Oktoberfest.  

 

4.   Wesley Barnes, the American who faced a prison sentence in Thailand for posting a negative review of the Sea View resort, has apologized for his blunt online comments and, in exchange, the resort has dropped its complaint.  ***   In a negotiated compromise regarding future reviews, authorities said Mr. Barnes would be allowed to include an occasional negative comment, and Mr. Barnes promised to use bold font, all caps, and multiple exclamation points only for the positive stuff.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 9, 2020

 

1.   Dollar General, the very profitable chain of bargain stores, announced plans for 32 up-scale stores named “Popshelf.”  ***   The company assured investors that it would continue to maintain low overheads, source products from the lowest cost suppliers, and never pay someone to come up with a good name for its stores.

 

2.   McDonald’s has added three pastries to its menu—blueberry muffins, apple fritters and cinnamon rolls—after surveys indicated a growing market for baked goods.  ***  On the other hand, previous product failures, such as Hula Burgers, Onion McNuggets and McHotDogs, showed there was no market for ideas that were only half-baked.

 

3.   British Vogue magazine has given the “Official Sandal of 2020” award to the trendy Birkenstock, which has been recommended by podiatrists for its compliant soles and extra arch support.   ***  And, for Kim Kardashian, extra support in the heels.

 

4.   Kim Richardson, a 63 year old Texas woman, has been sentenced to 54 months in prison for shoplifting millions of dollars in merchandise over the past 19 years.  ***  Ms. Richardson is surprisingly upbeat, and with her shoplifting skills expects to leave there with an entirely new wardrobe, a complete set of matching dinnerware and enough books to fill a small library.

 

5.   To better accommodate and direct large numbers of shoppers during peak periods, Walmart is changing its store layouts and signage, and is studying airports for best practices. *** Additionally, a company spokesperson announced that all new shopping carts will have two wheels and a retractable handle.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Oct 2, 2020

 

1.   Three employees at New York’s Grand Central Terminal were suspended after it was discovered that they had converted an unused underground room into a fully equipped “man cave.”  ***    Beer fridge? Check.  Microwave oven? Check. Futon couch? Check.  Large screen TV? Check.  Ten steps away from a subway boarding platform with travel connections to anywhere in the world? Awesome!  

 

2.   A woman who gave birth onboard an airplane enroute to an Anchorage hospital has named her son Sky.  ***  He’s a lucky dude; one hour later and he would have been named Baggage Claim.     

 

3.   Marines training at Camp Lejeune have been told to stop running in the dark after three reports of coyote attacks.  ***  After a thorough investigation, a camp spokesperson said they had no idea that “Oohrah” was so similar to a coyote mating call.

 

4.   Ford has issued a recall for certain 2020 Mustangs because the bracket that holds the brake pedal may fracture during panic stops.   ***   All Ford dealerships are equipped to replace the broken brackets and clean the driver’s seat.

 

5.   Wesley Barnes, a U.S. citizen working in Thailand, was arrested for posting a negative review of the Sea View Resort on TripAdvisor and could face up to two years in prison.   ***   In hopes of getting a reduced sentence, Mr. Barnes has promised to write glowing reviews of Thai prisons, including their all-inclusive extended-stay offerings, the low-maintenance exterior landscaping, and the best food ever served with plastic utensils.      

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 25, 2020

 

1.   Cardinal Angelo Becciu, the head of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints (the Vatican’s “saint-making” office) has resigned after being indirectly implicated in a financial scandal.  ***  Church authorities became suspicious of a crime and cover-up when the Cardinal’s nominees for sainthood included Louie the Loanshark, a Vatican auditor and the local Ferrari dealer.

 

2.   As is the holiday tradition in our community, workers have begun draping more than one million Christmas lights over all the storefronts on Main Street.  ***  Doing that in September might seem a bit early, but if the lights don’t turn on when they throw the switch, it could take months to find which bulb was burned out.

 

3.   In the wake of the college admission scandals erupting last year, a California state investigation found that UC Berkeley also improperly admitted dozens of underqualified, often wealthy students.   ***   A university spokesperson declined to comment on the findings, but said the head of the admissions office would issue a formal statement as soon as he returns from cruising the Caribbean in his new yacht.

 

4.   Giuseppe Fanara, a Sicilian mafia boss serving a life sentence at Italy’s Rebibbia prison, got in a fight with a guard and bit off the man’s finger.  ***  You know, I think those Sicilian mobsters take the term “a knuckle sandwich” a bit too literally.

 

5.   Michigan’s Marijuana Regulatory Agency is recalling batches that failed safety tests because of excessive amounts of yeast and mold.  ***  Additionally, the agency cautioned consumers that due to troublesome conditions across the United States even the most potent strains are unlikely to provide anything close to desired level of euphoria.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 18, 2020

 

1.   The famous white sand on the beaches of Sardinia is protected by law, and a tourist was fined $1,200 for attempting to leave the Italian island with 4 pounds of that sand in his luggage.  ***  Heck, after a day on the beach it usually feels like I have more sand than that in my swim trunks (and man, does it itch).

 

2.   This morning’s “Word of the Day” from Word Genius  is “Buck-and-Wing,” which is “a lively solo tap dance, typically done in wooden-soled shoes.”  ***  Oh. I thought it was from that iconic episode of “The Twilight Zone” when an angry William Shatner told the skeptical flight attendant where he had seen the furry creature.

 

3.   White Castle has just announced a new packaging design called the “Crave Clutch” – a cardboard container that holds 20 sliders and 4 small fries, and features colorful graphics, a sturdy carrying handle...***…and a built-in grease trap.

 

4.   After apparently getting lost during the annual migration, a humpback whale has become stranded in an alligator-infested river in Australia.  ***   The poor guy is now facing a tough choice: Stay in the river and get eaten by alligators, or rejoin the pod and listen to endless reminders that he should have stopped and asked for directions.

 

5.   In Merrimack, New Hampshire, a 40-pound exotic pet cat that had been on the run for two days was finally caught, although authorities did not disclose how the elusive cat was lured into the trap.  *** Unconfirmed rumors indicate the process involved a remote-control drone equipped with a really strong laser pointer.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 11, 2020

 

1.   After a huge public outcry, Los Angeles authorities retracted a Covid-driven ban on Halloween trick-or-treating but said the door-to-door tradition is “not recommended.”  ***  A City Hall spokesperson also assured concerned citizens that they’ll still be allowed to dress up in silly costumes, just like they do every day.

 

2.   As mentioned on Tuesday, Thai Airways has transformed its Bangkok cafeteria into an airline-themed restaurant.  ***   Update: For a small fee, diners can now upgrade to the “Total” in-flight experience: While you try to eat, a little kid will kick the back of your seat, a baby will cry with a wail that could shatter glassware, and a complete stranger with body odor and bad breath will sit in the seat next to you and chatter non-stop for the entire meal.

 

3.   As many school districts start the new school year this week, students are encountering a few changes.   ***  For example, it is no longer necessary to claim that your dog ate your homework, but only that someone sneezed on it.

 

4.   Thai Airways has transformed its Bangkok cafeteria into an airline-themed restaurant with airplane seats, tables made from engine parts, and servers dressed as flight attendants.  ***   The waitstaff doesn’t sing, but if it’s a special occasion they’ll gather in two groups and hum like jet engines.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Sep 4, 2020

 

1.   In the past two months Taco Bell has dropped numerous items from the menu.   ***   In fact, because of Covid concerns, every time someone sneezes back in food-prep, one more item is no longer available.

 

2.   In Ashland City, Tennessee, Solomon--a 150 pound pet tortoise--was finally found, 74 days after escaping from his owner’s home.   ***   In an emotional reunion, the grateful owner said there’s no telling where Solomon might have ended up if he had made it all the way to the sidewalk.

 

3.   McDonalds is introducing Spicy Chicken McNuggets, the first new flavor in 40 years.   ***    Market conditions are finally right for success: People are now satisfied with anything that doesn’t taste like the inside of a face mask.

 

4.   Officials at the University of Pennsylvania have rejected a request by six professors in its business school to investigate the circumstances surrounding the 1966 acceptance of Donald Trump.  ***  A university spokesperson said Penn has never shown favoritism to wealthy families; even if they’ve made large donations or funded a new building on campus, they still have to bribe the admissions office just like anyone else.

 

5.   In Covington, Georgia, the mansion that was used in the 1939 filming of “Gone with the Wind” is now a bed and breakfast.  ***   The owners claim that one window has had no covering ever since the draperies were re-purposed by “Scarlett,” although they were at a loss to explain a later disappearance of the drapery rod itself.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 28, 2020

 

1.   Microsoft and Walmart are partnering to buy the popular networking platform Tik Tok.   ***   In anticipation of a successful bid, Walmart is already designing its latest footwear fashion—the Tik Tok Flip Flop, and Microsoft has begun designing help desks for Aisle 3.

 

2.   Although Melania Trump’s speech at the Republican Convention was generally felt to be well delivered, some people were very critical regarding the military-looking outfit that she wore.  ***  They pointed out that it took TWO belt buckles to cinch her waist that tight.

 

3.   A federal appeals court has upheld a New York limit of 50 people at weddings, which is upsetting a lot of people because now they can’t invite all their relatives.   ***  Heck, with a max of 50 people, there are some places where the grooms wouldn’t even be able to invite all their wives. 

 

4.   Lori Loughlin and her husband were fined and sentenced to 2 and 5 months in prison for paying bribes of $500,000 just to get their two daughters into USC.    Ironically, they paid even more than that in legal fees just to get themselves into jail.

 

5.   A very expensive blackboard chalk, Hagoromo Fulltouch, reportedly has a cult-like following among mathematicians because of its smooth writing feel, resistance to breakage, and low dust factor.   ***   That’s fine for math professors, but English teachers won’t endorse it until every stick of chalk has built-in Spellcheck.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 21, 2020

 

1.   Taco Bell announced that future restaurants will have smaller dining areas, but will feature a second drive-thru lane dedicated to pick-up orders made on its "Go Mobile" app.  ***  And, in response to numerous calls regarding potential employment, the company confirmed that it will hold a job fair early next year, and it will be within convenient walking distance of the South Lawn.

 

2.   After numerous driver reports of the 2020 Corvette’s front hood flying open, General Motors has halted deliveries of the new model until a fix can be implemented.  Electronic engineers plan to re-program the button-actuated hood release and also limit vehicle speed to 26 mph if the hood is not completely latched.  ***  The mechanical engineers, however, are still pushing for a really heavy hood ornament.

 

3.   According to “Good Morning America,” the “Golden Girls” house in Brentwood, California that was used for the TV show’s exterior shots has been purchased for $4 million ($1 million over the asking price) by “a local family who specifically loved its architecture and location.”  ***  And the amazing high tech lighting system that can be turned on or off just by clapping your hands twice.

 

4.   Claiming that tourists have gotten heavier over the past ten years, the Venice Gondola Association has lowered the maximum capacity from six passengers to five.   ***  Also, couples will no longer be allowed to stand up and re-enact Kate and Leo’s bow pose from “Titanic.”

 

5.   To minimize the spread of Covid-19, Canada has extended the ban on tourists from the United States through late September, and a recent survey showed that 80% of Canadians actually want American visitors to be kept out until 2021.  *** That’s up from 75% just one year ago.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 14, 2020

 

1.     Scientists in Malaysia are trying to save the rare Sumatran Rhino from extinction using cloning technology and cells from three old rhinos that recently died.  ***   Initial results are promising, although every afternoon the new rhinos go for a short walk, take a nap, and then wake up and ask, “What time is bingo?”

 

2.     Singer Trini Lopez, who gained fame with songs like “If I Had a Hammer,” has died at the age of 83.   ***   Sadly, his retirement was not a peaceful one; he was often cited for violating subdivision noise covenants by repeatedly hammering, bell ringing, and singing in the very early morning and late evening hours.

 

3.     Michigan authorities reported 6 confirmed cougar sightings this year.  ***   That news was quite a surprise since a) bars were closed for much of the year due to Covid, and b) older age groups are especially vulnerable.

 

4.     Last week federal agents in Arizona discovered a 1,300 foot tunnel running under the U.S.-Mexico border, and an official said it “appears to be the most sophisticated tunnel in U.S. history.”    ***   He said it featured valet parking, a Starbucks at each end, a health spa at the mid-point, and free wi-fi.

 

5.     In Atlanta, two passengers were forced off a commercial flight just before takeoff because they refused to wear facemasks.  ***  An airline spokesman said the policy will continue to be strictly enforced, and expects compliance will improve when they start conducting the mandatory face mask check immediately after takeoff.  

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Aug 7, 2020

 

1.   In Home Depot’s plumbing section today I was impressed at the new toilet designs, including one that claimed, “Flushes a bucket of golf balls in a single flush.”  *** OK, great, but how do I get rid of my clubs?

 

2.   In her podcast yesterday, former first lady Michelle Obama revealed that she’s suffering from a “low-grade depression.”  ***  I hear that some people avoid that by paying someone to take the test for them.

 

3.   In a museum in Passagno, Italy, a tourist accidentally broke three toes off a priceless statue when he jumped up onto the base and asked his wife to take his photo.   ***   After police tracked them down using info in the museum registry, the woman confessed that her husband was the culprit and she should have stopped him as soon as he said, “Here…hold my beer.”

 

4.   In a mission contracted to SpaceX, two NASA astronauts returning from the space station made a splashdown-type landing in the Gulf of Mexico, where they were immediately met by rescue boats and crews that helped them exit their capsule.   ***   To further reduce costs, SpaceX announced that in future splashdowns the astronauts will remain in their capsule and rely on ocean currents to eventually carry them to the Florida coast, at which point rescue crews will quickly wade out and get them. 

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jul 31, 2020

1.   Miami business owner David Hines was arrested when federal officials discovered he had used part of his PPP loan to buy a $300,000 Lamborghini.   ***  The fraudulent expenditure was pretty well hidden, but a sharp-eyed auditor got suspicious when he noticed a receipt for gold neck chains.

2.   To help protect toll collectors from Covid, workers at the Mackinac Bridge (access to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula) are asking motorists to wear a facemask when paying their toll. *** They said they’re mostly concerned about first timers, who tend to spray a bit when they find out they have to pay.

3.   Mike Tyson, 54, has announced that he’ll be climbing back into the ring to fight an exhibition bout against boxer Roy Jones Jr. in Carson, California.    ***   As soon as the promoter finishes installing the grab bars.   

4.   To recover from bankruptcy, Hertz needs to raise cash, reduce expenses and downsize, and plans to sell almost 200,000 cars from its rental fleet.   ***  Each car will come with complete maintenance records, free floor mats, and a 55 gallon drum of Hertz air freshener.  

5.   The Hallmark Channel has scheduled classic Christmas movies from July 10^th to August 1^st, and the network’s website says “Celebrate Christmas in July.”   ***   Wait a minute…They’re telling us we should celebrate Christmas 5 months early?...Do they know something we don’t know?

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jul 24, 2020

1.     As mentioned in yesterday’s “Pill,” MSU has designated one of the campus dorms as an emergency residence for any students who test positive for Covid, which, I’m sure, would be a traumatic situation for the affected students and their families.  ***  I certainly know how my parents would have reacted:

“Mom, Dad, everything will be OK but I just want you to know that they’re moving me to the Covid dorm.”

“Oh no, that’s terrible!”  “Yes, that’s been our greatest fear!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. It’s only until I’m no longer contagious and can’t spread the virus.”

“Oh. Thank goodness that’s all it is. We thought you said ‘Co-ed dorm.’ ”

(The only unknown: How long after hanging up the phone they would suddenly realize that co-eds can get Covid, too.)

2.   To prevent the spread of Covid-19 in the dorms, Michigan State University has announced that any student testing positive for the virus will be immediately re-assigned to a specially designated residence.  ***   Ann Arbor.  

3.   To help reduce the spread of coronavirus, some health officials have suggested not singing or chanting in church.  ***  They also ask that we avoid words that start with “explosive” sounds like “P” and “T,” especially in sentences that have an exclamation point at the end.

4.   Michael Cohen is suing Attorney General William Barr, claiming that his return to prison was to prevent him from working on his “tell-all” book about President Trump and was a clear case of “retaliation.”  ***   Or rather, “no-tell-iation.”

5.   Tony Shalhoub recently produced a short video in which his TV character, Adrian Monk (the germophobic, fastidious, obsessive-compulsive detective), tries to deal with the threat of Covid infection.  ***   There had been talk of a full length movie version of “Monk.” I believe the title would be “The Man in the Ironed Mask.”