News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 27, 2018

1.   When EPA head Scott Pruitt presented his proposed budget to Congress he was grilled about recent expenditures for a soundproof booth, security, first class travel and other items, but in every case he pinned the blame on his subordinates. ***  In regards to next year’s budget, he said he’s going to need at least one more bus.

2.   David Meade, a self-proclaimed “Christian researcher,” says the Rapture will end the world as we know it by December of this year.  ***   So, without another Christmas, it’s pretty clear why Toys ‘R’ Us went ahead and declared bankruptcy.

3.   Former House Speaker John Boehner has joined the advisory board of a pot company, and says his views on marijuana have “evolved.”   ***   I believe his unique version of evolution will be featured in a new TV show, “The Big Buck Theory.”

4.   This week President Trump and French President Macron planted a tree on the White House lawn.  ***  Then their wives had them trim the hedges and pull weeds in the Rose Garden.

5.   A Brooklyn mail carrier who stashed 17,000 pieces of undelivered mail said he had been “overwhelmed” with the workload but “made sure to deliver the important mail.”   ***   Everything with a centerfold.

6.   On this date in history:  April 27, 1773 – British Parliament passes the Tea Act, which eventually led to the Boston Tea Party.   ***   If it was summertime I wonder if it would have been the Iced Tea Act.

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1478 – Easter is celebrated for the first time.  ***   With a risen Jesus, Easter bunnies and eggs, I’m pretty sure the holiday was created by a committee.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1954 – The U.S. performs an atmospheric nuclear test at Bikini Island.  ***  Wow, talk about leaving tan lines.

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 24, 1524 –Admiral Bonnivet is driven out of Milan by the Duke of Bourbon.  ***  Actually, I don’t think the Duke of Bourbon should have been driving.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 23, 1991 – The USSR grants republics the right to secede under certain conditions.  ***   First condition: Hell freezes over. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 20, 2018

1.   A man in the Detroit suburb of Westland caused a 5-car pile-up, then stripped naked and started dancing in the middle of the street.   ***   Just another Michigan audition for “America’s Got Talent.”

2.   Studies at UCLA have found that excessive time spent sitting can physically affect certain regions of the brain.  ***  Researchers say these results seem to support common accusations about where some people’s heads are located.

3.   Fox News’ Sean Hannity, who was identified as the third client of pay-off lawyer Michael Cohen, said he only used Mr. Cohen for real estate deals.  ***   For example, keeping someone quiet by offering them a house.

4.   The company that makes Necco Wafers is going out of business.   ***   Ah yes, the candy that made all us little Catholic kids expect that communion wafers would be fruit flavored.   

5.   Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly recovering nicely from his recent emergency open heart surgery.  ***  In fact, he has already been asking for a television, reading material and maid service.

6.   On this date in history:  April 20, 1981 – The final episode of the TV show "Soap" is broadcast.   ***  It was replaced by a spin-off series, “Rinse.”   

7.   On this date in history:  April 19, 1770 – Captain James Cook lands in Australia for the first time.  ***  After seeing a platypus, a kangaroo and a boomerang, he immediately decided to stop drinking.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 18, 1663 – Osman declares war on Austria.  ***  Since no one today ever heard of Osman, it’s a safe bet that Austria won that one.  

9.   On this date in history:  April 17, 1521 – Martin Luther is excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church.   *** Not only is he barred from receiving the sacraments, but he is also banned from bingo nights, fish fries and the annual church picnic.

10.  On this date in history:  April 16, 1986 – To dispel rumors that he's dead, Moammar Qadhafi appears on television.   ***  Yeah, every once in a while Larry King does the same thing.

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 13, 2018

1.   Yesterday was National Grilled Cheese Day.  ***   In honor of the occasion, a congressional committee grilled the big cheese at Facebook.

2.   In Idaho Falls, Idaho, a flock of fifty geese fell from the sky after being struck by lightning.  ***  I guess even God has a limit to how much of that squawking he can stand.

3.   Airbus is designing a plane with sleeping berths in the cargo hold.   ***   To get onboard, passengers will be thrown onto a conveyer belt.

4.   EPA head Scott Pruitt has defended his security expenditures by saying he has received threats of violence for rolling back numerous environmental protections, but the agency has no evidence of any such threats.  ***  Except for a few occasions when he was bitch-slapped by Mother Nature.

5.   Apple CEO Tim Cook says if he were “king for a day” he would eliminate Wall Street’s focus on quarterly financial results.  ***  But, he also said he wouldn’t want to be king for any longer than a day because he couldn’t stand the pay cut.

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 13, 1959 – The Vatican forbids Roman Catholics from voting for communists.  ***   It was apparent the Church was getting too involved when authorities started collecting ballots in wicker baskets with long handles.

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 12, 1858 – The first U.S. billiards championship is held in Detroit.  ***  However, organizers regretted their choice of venue when the event was delayed after someone stole all the balls.

8.   On this date in history:  April 11, 1984 – Challenger astronauts complete the first in-space satellite repair.  ***  The repair work was fairly quick, once they found the duct tape.   

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 10, 1841 – The New York Tribune begins publishing under editor Horace Greeley.  ***   Mr. Greely later inspired many men when he famously advised, “Go West, young man,” thus leaving him alone in the East with all the women.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 9, 1878 – First Lady Lucy Hayes begins the egg rolling tradition on the White House lawn.  ***  Things like that can happen when you stagger home drunk one night and wake up in the back yard.

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 6, 2018

1.   This week a huge fire broke out on Scotland’s Isle of Rum.  ***  Firefighters, led by a Captain Morgan, have been fighting the blaze with a lot of ice and several truckloads of Coke.

2.   Effective today, Starbucks is bringing back Happy Hour, starting with 50% off espresso from 3:00 PM to closing time.   ***   In a related move, the company also announced that it has entered into a business partnership with Ambien.  

3.   A woman in Phoenix was arrested after using a stun gun to wake up her son for Easter church services.  ***  She later apologized to authorities and said the only reason she even has the device is in case he falls asleep during the sermon.

4.   In Rome, authorities had to seal off part of the St. Peters Cathedral after chunks of plaster fell down, endangering visitors.  ***   However, there were brisk sales of the new Vatican T-shirt, “I got plastered at St. Peters.” 

5.   Forty life-size wax figures of Amish people are for sale in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.  ***  They were rented out to Amish who wanted to drive their buggies in the carpool lane. (It actually worked great, until the weather turned warm…)

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 6, 1925 – A British Air flight features the first film shown on an airplane.  ***  Actually, passengers in first class got the movie; the ones in coach just got the popcorn.

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 5, 1806 – Isaac Quintard patents apple cider.   ***  He then followed up with the invention of cinnamon donuts.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 4, 1818 – Congress changes the U.S. flag to 13 red and 13 white stripes, with 20 stars.  ***   The meaningful design reflected the fact that there were 13 original states and Congress got 20 paid holidays.

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 3, 1985 – In London, Vic Elliot pockets 15,780 pool balls in 24 hours.  ***   Must have been big pockets.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 2, 1978 – "Dallas" premieres on CBS as a 5 week mini-series.  ***  They soon extended it, as it took four seasons just to introduce all the characters who wanted to shoot JR.   

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 30, 2018

1.   According to the L.A. Times, it now costs more to house a prisoner for one year than it does to send someone to Harvard.   ***   Prison officials haven’t released details of their new cost savings plan, but sources say that at future Harvard commencements a lot of caps and gowns are going to be orange.

2.   Walmart has announced it will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at its checkout lines.   ***   Too many women were getting depressed after grabbing a Cosmo and taking one of the quizzes.

3.   The owner of a pet shelter in the U.K. says the reason people don’t want to adopt black cats is that they don’t photograph well in selfies.   ***  How sad to rule out a cat just because of how it will look in selfies! The only place where that should even be a factor is Match.com.

4.   A year and a half after splitting with Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt is reportedly spending more time out in public and has begun casual dating.   ***   In Hollywood, “casual dating”” is when you sleep with someone but don’t bother to ask them their name.

5.   The company that makes Snuggies, those weird blankets with sleeves, has been accused of deceptive TV offers which result in confused buyers paying much more than expected.   ***   So, it’s a double whammy for many elderly customers who end up looking foolish when they order their Snuggies…and then again when they wear them.

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 30, 1858 – Hyman Lipman of Philadelphia patents a “pencil with an attached eraser.”   ***   However, competitors were able to get around his patent by advertising “erasers with attached pencils.”

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 29, 1959 – "Some Like it Hot" with Marilyn Monroe and Jack Lemmon premieres.   ***   I believe it was a Republican documentary about climate change.

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 28, 1794 – The Louvre with its priceless artwork opens to the public.   ***   Security guards were on the lookout for people who tried to bring in sharp objects, suspicious packages or children with crayons.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 27, 1931 – Charlie Chaplin receives France's distinguished Legion of Honor.  ***   The recognition is typically given to the French military, entertainers and anyone else who can make people laugh.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 26, 1934 – Driving tests are introduced in Britain.  ***   Apparently the British examiners didn’t deduct points for driving on the wrong side of the road.