Friday, April 25, 2014

Friday, Apr 25

1.        Nissan has a developed a “self cleaning” car that uses a special nano technology paint to repel dirt and grime.  ***  Meanwhile, General Motors has a slightly different approach to keeping your car clean:  A free car wash with every recall.

2.        “The Amazing Spiderman 2” premiered in New York City yesterday and all the stars of the show were there.  ***   Except for Spiderman himself.  He’s the military assistance that Joe Biden promised to Ukraine.

3.        Justin Bieber apologized for stopping at a controversial shrine in Japan, saying that he didn’t realize it commemorated Japanese war criminals.  ***  He promised to come back in a couple days and throw eggs at it.

4.        Al Gore’s daughter got married last week, and the former VP walked her down the aisle.  ***   When they got to the altar, the groom had to wake her up.

5.        General Motors is running ads that show real people unable to identify a new model as a Buick.  ***  Of course, that’s without the normal clues, such as a straw hat on the rear shelf, garage scrapes on the sides and the AARP bumper sticker.

6.        A man in Fredricksburg, Virginia found $1,000 in an envelope in a Walmart parking lot and turned it into the police.   ***  Authorities have been unable to figure out why someone with $1,000 would have been shopping at Walmart.

7.        According to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, many college loans co-signed by a parent or grandparent must be immediately paid in full if that relative dies.   ***  So, a lesson for seniors:  Co-signing a college loan is a great way to keep the kids and grandkids from pulling the plug.

8.        The U.S. is planning military exercises in the Black Sea this summer, including the use of trained dolphins.  Military experts say it’s possible that Russian military dolphins will be active in the same area at the same time.  ***  Well, I think we’re going to be in trouble.  Vladimir Putin probably has nasty dolphins with names like Killer, Sea Devil and Carnage, while President Obama’s have names like Flipper, Squeaky and Splash.

9.        Spain now has a senior citizen home for gays, lesbians and transsexuals.  ***  It’s a little awkward—most of the residents can’t remember which they are.

10.     A 15 year old boy survived a flight from California to Hawaii after stowing away in a jet’s wheel well, even though the outside air temperature dropped far below freezing and there was very little oxygen.  ***  But he had a lot more legroom than coach.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Friday, Apr 11, 2014

1.        A recent labor agreement in France prohibits employers from calling workers at home in the evening.  ***  But the employers aren’t too concerned—they can still reach most employees at their mistress’s.

2.        Arthur Smith, the man who wrote the song “Dueling Banjos,” has died at the age of 93.  ***  He asked that the tune be played as background music when his heirs start arguing over his will.

3.        A nursing home in East Neck, New York hired male strippers to entertain the seniors, and the son of one of residents became furious and sued the nursing home after seeing a photo of his mother stuffing money into a dancer’s underwear.  ***  I believe his exact words were, “Hey!  That’s my inheritance!”

4.        Mickey Rooney’s will revealed that his estate was only worth $18,000.   ***  I guess when Andy Hardy and the kids “put on a show” they should have raised the ticket prices.

5.        After a three-month dispute during which Direct TV dropped the Weather Channel, the two companies finally reached an agreement.  The Weather Channel then apologized to its viewers … *** … and promised to make up for it by forecasting all temperatures ten degrees higher.

6.        An inventor in England has created ice cream that glows in the dark.  ***  Unfortunately, it keeps on glowing after it reaches your waist and hips.

7.        Simon Cowell says he is not proud of having had an affair with his best friend’s wife and getting her pregnant, but having a child has put things in perspective and he is intent on achieving a better “work-life balance.”  ***   In other words, in the future he’ll have half his affairs at work and half of them at home.

8.        Authorities have uncovered two very sophisticated drug trafficking tunnels under the Mexican border near San Diego, complete with rail systems, electrical power and ventilation.  ***  As well as a tourist information center, a duty free shop and a McDonald’s.

9.        In an interview on CNN, Nancy Pelosi blamed former Vice President Dick Cheney for misleading the American people about the nature and extent of the CIA’s interrogation techniques.  ***   Yes, I believe it was Dick Cheney who said, “You can lead a horse to water, but you have to tie him to the board.”

10.     McDonald’s has closed all its restaurants in Crimea.  ***   It was actually because of Ronald McDonald.  Ever since Putin annexed the region there has been confusion whenever people referred to “That clown in Russia.”

Friday, April 4, 2014

Friday, Apr 4, 2014

1.        Scientists at the University of California have finally determined why zebras evolved with stripes;  it’s to deter biting flies, which avoid objects that are black and white.   ***  In fact, a later experiment showed that flies swarmed to the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

2.        The governors of Arizona and Nevada are proposing construction of a 290-mile interstate highway linking Phoenix and Las Vegas, although the project would take several years to complete.  ***   However, a Mexican drug cartel has offered to build a tunnel between the two cities in six months, tops.

3.        Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife of 30 years has been finalized.   ***  Actually, they had never actually gotten married; he just annexed her.

4.        Sales of diet sodas declined 3% in 2013 as Americans increasingly avoided artificial sweeteners.  ***  According to financial experts, the only thing we want artificially sweetened is our economic data.

5.        Charles H. Keating, Jr., who was at the center of the savings and loan failures in the 1980’s, has died at the age of 90.  ***   He will be buried in a safety deposit box.

6.        The world’s largest Ferris wheel, the 550-foot “High Roller,” has just opened in Las Vegas.  ***  Unfortunately, it operates like a roulette wheel, so sometimes you have to stay on for dozens of spins before your car stops at the unloading station.

7.        North Korea fired more than 100 artillery shells into South Korea’s territorial waters, and the South retaliated by shooting into the waters off North Korea.   ***   You know things are getting serious when they try to kill each other’s fish.

8.        For the fourth year in a row, Justin Beiber won “Fan’s Choice” at Canada’s Juno Music Awards in Winnipeg.   ***  Yeah, but he’ll be dethroned as soon as they find one hockey player who can sing.

9.        Deceased fashion designer L’Wren Scott left all of her worldly belongings to her companion of 13 years, Mick Jagger.   ***   Alas, her list of assets did not include “satisfaction.”

10.     A 1936 Nobel Peace Prize medal has just sold at auction. It was estimated to bring $100,000, but four bidders drove the final bid up to $1.1 million.   ***  Don’t you think there’s something wrong about bidders fighting for a Peace Prize medal?