Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday, July 25, 2014

1.        There is growing concern in China after a report that McDonald’s hamburgers were made with expired beef.  ***  People over there were shocked and said, “Really? They use beef?”

2.        In Collinsville, Illinois, a promotional 170-foot tall ketchup bottle is for sale for $200,000.   ***  Unfortunately, people with that kind of money generally prefer Grey Poupon.

3.        Russian legislators are considering funding the annexation of Crimea by almost tripling the income tax for its richest citizens, or about 2% of the population.  ***  Gee, Russia must be doing well—their “1%” is twice as big as ours.

4.        A recent study shows that British soldiers have gotten significantly taller over the past 100 years.  ***  Which is bad because that makes it harder to duck.

5.        Toyota says that in its new minivan there’s a way for parents talk to their young children without turning around.  ***  Actually, we had that when I was a kid. I believe it’s called “Yelling.”

6.        There is growing concern in China after a report that a supplier there sold expired beef to McDonald’s.  ***  Investigators first became suspicious when McDonald’s changed the name of its iconic hamburger from “Big Mac” to “Old Mac.”

7.        With an income of $75 million, Robert Downey Jr. was the top paid actor last year, even though he didn’t do any work, thanks to arrangements for compensation after his movies hit the screen.  The second biggest earner was Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  ***  However, if you just look at top incomes among people who did no work last year, then Congress came in second.   

8.        The FDA is warning people about the dangers of pure caffeine, pointing out that one teaspoon of the powder is equivalent to 25 cups of coffee. ***   Of course, the reason most people don’t take their caffeine in powdered form is that it’s tough to put cute little sayings like “#1 Boss” on the side of a teaspoon.

9.        Sandra Bullock will star in “Tupperware Unsealed,” a movie about Brownie Wise, the woman who popularized Tupperware parties.  ***  Since it’s been four years since Ms. Bullock adopted a baby boy, this will finally give her another opportunity to burp something.

10.     Casey Kasem’s body is missing, and there is evidence that his wife stole it from the funeral home to prevent an autopsy.  ***  That might not be the most gruesome thing I ever heard, but it’s definitely in the Top 40.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Friday, July 18, 2014

1.        After millions of people heard a recording of a Comcast representative refusing to honor a customer’s request to have service discontinued, the company issued a formal statement.  ***   Comcast explained that instead of cutting off service completely, it prefers to provide frequent, temporary loss of service at random times throughout the day.

2.        In Washington D.C., several congressmen are considering legislation that would improve compensation and work schedules for part time workers…  ***  such as congressmen.

3.        The FBI has warned that autonomous, self-driving cars could be used for criminal purposes.  For example, a fleeing criminal could fire at police while the car drives itself.  ***  Of course, the chase would be brief because the self-driving police car would be programmed to pull into the next donut shop.

4.        Mourners in the Philippines were absolutely stunned when a 3 year old girl woke up at her own funeral.  ***  It was like the reaction we would have here in the U.S. if suddenly Congress actually did something.

5.        According to a study in the medical journal “Pediatrics,” electronic devices such as a laptop computer may be the cause of a painful skin rash.   ***  Especially if you use it to meet a woman on Craigslist.

6.        In a controversial move, a library in Singapore has pulled a children’s book about gay penguins.  The author says he wrote the story as an example of alternate life styles.   ***   But I think he went too far when he claimed that “March of the Penquins” was really a gay pride parade.

7.        Officials closed part of I-75 near Detroit after a truck dropped its load of rocks all over the road.  *** However, the highway was immediately re-opened once they realized it was just Governor Snyder’s low-cost approach to filling all the potholes.

8.        Officials are considering abuse charges against the parents of a 12 year old Detroit boy who was reported missing and then eventually found in the family’s basement.  ***  The couple would be charged under a new federal law that makes it illegal to keep anyone in Detroit against their will.

9.        Steven Spielberg posed like a hunter with a movie prop of a dead dinosaur, and many people seeing the photo thought he really shot it.   ***   Of course, that’s ridiculous.  The last person to actually shoot a real dinosaur was Larry King.

10.     Keith Mularski, the FBI’s top expert in cybercrime, was just selling discount furniture before he joined the bureau in 1998.  He is reportedly very successful in infiltrating criminal organizations online and befriending key leaders.  ***  He wins them over by giving them a three-piece genuine leather living room set plus a coffee table, two end tables and a flat screen TV.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Friday, July 11, 2014

1.        In Birmingham, Alabama, a U.S. Postal Service worker was caught on video taking packages out of a USPS van and tossing them into a ravine.  ***  However, in the postal worker’s defense, I want to point out that packages marked “fragile” were tossed gently.

2.        Police seized several exotic animals from a home in a Detroit suburb after an aardvark was seen wandering around a back yard.   ***   So, that would be…a “Yaardvark”?  (Groan)

3.        According to a global study by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, many American students are “financially illiterate” and can’t even read a paycheck. ***  That’s OK.  The way the economy is going, they probably won’t ever see one.

4.        In the new CBS science fiction series “Extant,” Halle Berry stars as Molly Woods, an astronaut who somehow becomes pregnant during a solo one-year mission in outer space.  ***   Molly apparently has health insurance through her husband’s job at Hobby Lobby.

5.        North Korean President Kim Jong Un recently started walking with a noticeable limp.   ***   Personally, I think he’s doing that on purpose to draw attention away from his silly haircut.

6.        A train carrying large airplane parts partially derailed in Montana, dumping three fuselages down a ravine and almost into the river.  ***  Sing along:  “Pardon me boy, is that the Catastrophic Choo Choo?  It jumped off Track Twenty-Nine;  Boy, you can bet they’ll get fined…”

7.        Jack Kevorkian’s VW Minibus, which he used for several assisted suicides, was recently sold by a Detroit pawn shop.  ***   I believe it was advertised as “Owned by elderly doctor, only used for one-way trips, fitted with high-performance injection system.”

8.        According to a recent Gallup poll, 21% of Americans don’t feel they have enough freedom to choose what to do with their lives.   ***    The other 79% are fairly satisfied with their freedom to choose—they just don’t like the choices.

9.        AMC is spending hundreds of millions of dollars to outfit many of its theaters with La-Z-Boy type reclining chairs.  ***  They will also provide you with a free Snuggie, a cat to sit on your lap and someone to wake you up at the important parts of the movie.

10.     The Golden Gate Bridge board of directors has approved $76 million to construct suicide barriers on the structure.  ***   Currently, the only deterrent is a sign warning people that suicide is not covered by Obamacare.