Friday, January 29, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 29, 2016

1.     Doctors for Bernie Sanders say the 74 year old presidential candidate is in great health and has no problems that would affect his presidency…***…as long as takes his afternoon naps, eats plenty of fiber and tries not to get too excited.

2.     Ammon Bundy, the arrested leader of the protestors occupying the building in the Oregon refuge, is telling the group they should pack up and go home because they’ve made their point and their families need them … *** …and because the occupied building doesn’t have a large screen TV for the Super Bowl.

3.     Bristol Palin blasted Tina Fey’s SNL impersonation of her mother, saying it sounded like “nails on a chalkboard.  ***  In other words, dead-on.

4.     In Florida, when two Christian high school football teams recently played each other, the state high school athletic association denied their request to allow prayer before the game.  ***  In fact, the association also warned them that “Hail Mary pass” is just an expression and cannot be accompanied by an actual prayer.

5.     Researchers at the University of Florida say that people probably do not have Alzheimer’s if they are able to smell peanut butter.  ***  In their test they blindfolded people living on Social Security, placed an open jar of peanut butter near them, and noted if the seniors could correctly identify the scent as “dinner.” 

6.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 1802 – John Beckley of Virginia is appointed the first Librarian of Congress.  ***  He was the only guy brave enough to say “Shush” to senators.

7.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 1845 – Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" is published.  ***  However, he was disappointed that he couldn’t get an endorsement from the Audubon Society.

8.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 2002 – In his State of the Union Address, President George W. Bush names the three elements of the terror-oriented “Axis of Evil.”  ***  He said they were Pronunciation, Grammar and Spelling.

9.     On this date in history: Jan 28, 1878 –  George W. Coy is hired as the first full-time telephone operator.  ***  He aced the interview with his impressive delivery of “One ringy-dingy…two ringy dingies…”

10.  On this date in history: Jan 27, 1970 – The Motion Picture Association of America replaces the “M” rating with “PG.”   ***  “PG” stands for “Parental Guidance.”  “M” stood for “Go ask your Mother.”

Friday, January 22, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 22, 2016

1.        Wal-Mart is spending over a billion dollars to give full time workers a substantial pay raise.  ***  Company officials knew they had to do something when the greeters started asking customers for handouts.

2.        ISIS announced that because of funding shortfalls all fighters will get a 50% pay cut.  ***  And future martyrs will be greeted by only half as many virgins.

3.        A recent survey shows that 13% of Americans think Judy Sheidlin (“Judge Judy”) serves on the Supreme Court.  ***   That’s dumb. They obviously have her confused with Judge Joe Brown.

4.        Following her substantial weight loss, Mama June—the matriarch of the “Honey Boo Boo” show—is going to appear on a cosmetic reality show to have extra skin surgically removed.   ***   If that’s successful, she’ll have her husband and Honey Boo Boo surgically removed, too.

5.        President Obama said that convincing Iranian officials to release the American hostages was done through “smart diplomacy.”  ***   So, it cost him how many Super Bowl tickets?   

6.        On this date in history: Jan 22, 1951 – Pitcher Fidel Castro is ejected from a winter league baseball game after hitting a batter.  ***  Also, officials didn’t like him smoking a cigar and wearing military fatigues on the mound.

7.        On this date in history: Jan 21, 1994 - Lorena Bobbitt, who severed her husband's uh…member, convinces a jury that she was temporarily insane.  ***  When asked how she pulled that off, she said, “I didn’t—I cut it.”

8.        On this date in history: Jan 20, 1892 – The first basketball game is played in Massachusetts.  ***  Although the game has changed over the past 100-plus years, the key elements remain:  The ball, the hoop and outrageous beer prices.    

9.        On this date in history: Jan 19, 1935 - Coopers Inc. sells the world's first men's briefs in Chicago, calling the style the "Jockey."   ***   Every pair comes with small whip and a large number for your back.

10.     On this date in history: Jan 18, 1733 – A polar bear is exhibited in America for the first time, in Boston.   ***   Prior to that, the “Polar Animals” exhibit at the Boston Zoo involved a lot of white spray paint.

Friday, January 15, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 15, 2016

1.     Officials at the Mexican prison where “El Chapo” is being held following his recapture say there are four times as many security cameras as before.   ***   They are very confident that when El Chapo escapes again they’ll be able to make a fantastic documentary (Sean Penn directing, of course).

2.     A man buying a lottery ticket in Las Vegas told a news reporter that if he won he’d spend it on hookers and cocaine. After a lot of negative response when that went viral, he said he was kidding and would spend it on friends and community.  ***  Too late, buddy—God’s still not going to let you win.

3.     Nike may drop its sponsorship deal with trouble-prone Cleveland quarterback Johnny Manziel, who ignored team orders and PR consequences, and went gambling, drinking and clubbing.  ***   Actually, Nike, there’s no better person to exemplify “Just Do It!”

4.     Donald Trump says he doesn’t watch much professional football anymore because the NFL has “become soft.”  ***   He said the physical game is rough enough, but he’d like to give the players a few lessons in trash talk.

5.     Mexican authorities asked Justin Bieber and his entourage to leave the ancient Mayan ruins at Tulum after they tried climbing them.  ***   Officials said if Mr. Bieber wants to explore cultural ruins he should go back to Hollywood. 

6.     On this date in history: Jan 15, 1797 – The first top hat is worn in London by John Etherington.   ***   a.k.a. “Shorty”

7.     On this date in history: Jan 14, 1956 - Little Richard releases "Tutti Frutti."  ***  My translation app says that “tutti frutti” is Italian for “all fruits,”  but it’s having a little difficulty with “wah bop a loo bop a lop bom bom.”

8.     On this date in history: Jan 14, 1973 - Grateful Dead bass player Phil Lesh is arrested for drug possession.  ***  Headlines across the country announced the shocking news:  “Four Members of Grateful Dead Not Busted on Drug Charges.”

9.     On this date in history: Jan 13, 1920 – A New York Times editorial claims that rockets will never succeed in flying.  ***  Ironically, rockets are now flying high and newspapers are failing.

10.  On this date in history: Jan 13, 1979 – YMCA officials file a libel suit against the Village People for their song, “Y-M-C-A.”  ***  They submitted the necessary paperwork and then used their arms to spell “S-U-I-T.”

Friday, January 8, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 8, 2016

1.     Chipotle Mexican Grill Inc. is under investigation following an outbreak of norovirus at one of the chain’s restaurants in California, and a grand jury has subpoenaed a broad range of company documents.  ***  They also subpoenaed six burritos, ten soft tacos, a dozen cokes and a side of nachos.

2.     Scientists have proudly announced the creation of four new elements that fill spots 113, 115, 117 and 118 on the periodic table, and now they’re in the process of naming them.  ***  You know, it’s nice to see so much excitement over the creation and naming of something that’s not a Kardashian.

3.     North Korea, which has already has the atomic bomb, claims to have tested a hydrogen bomb yesterday.  ***   They said it had been developed under the leadership of their new head scientist, a Dr. Rodman.

4.     The U.S. stock market tanked on the first trading day of the new year, primarily because of problems with China’s manufacturing industry. ***  I knew it— those eight year olds are slacking off again!

5.     On ABC’s “This Week” Bernie Sanders said there are “more important things to worry about than Bill Clinton’s sex life.”  ***   Yeah…unless you’re Bill Clinton.

6.     On this date in history: 1973 – The British Darts Organisation is founded in North London  ***  Its members see nothing wrong with a game that involves sharp objects and is usually played in place where everyone is drunk.

7.     On this date in history: 1681 – The world’s first recorded boxing match took place between the Duke of Albemarle's butcher and his butler.  ***   It was a huge mismatch. Besides their fists, the butcher was armed with a meat cleaver and the butler had a tray.

8.     On this date in history: 1931 - Thomas Edison submits his last patent application.   ***  He was trying to make his earlier inventions more user-friendly because he heard stories that it sometimes took up to six people to change a lightbulb.

9.     On this date in history: 1939 - The "Superman" comic strip debuts in several daily newspapers.   ***   Over the years Superman saved the government, he saved Gotham and he saved thousands of innocent people.  Too bad he couldn’t save the newspapers.   

10.  On this date in history: 1887 – The first school of librarianship in the U.S. opens at Columbia University.  ***  The most popular course is Shushing 101.