News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 26, 2018

1.   A culture expert says that North Koreans photographed around their leader, Kim Jong Un, are often crying because of the “cult of personality.”   ***  In democracies, on the other hand, it’s usually because they realize they voted for the wrong guy.

2.   Chinese scientists announced they have cloned two monkeys using the same method that was developed in 1996 to create Dolly the sheep.  ***  They say the new monkeys are energetic and alert, and can already say “ba-a-a-a-a-a.”

3.   A Florida man was charged with DUI after he tried to order a burrito at the drive-thru window at a bank.    ***   By the time police arrived, he was at the ATM machine trying to get a coke.

4.   The person in Hawaii who set off a nuclear attack warning by pushing the wrong button has been re-assigned.  ***   Actually, management should have been concerned after all those times he complained about the elevator stopping at the wrong floor.

5.   Researchers at Baylor University say that writing a “to-do” list at bedtime can help you fall asleep more quickly.    ***   On the negative side, most of your dreams will involve things like grocery shopping, paying bills and mowing the lawn.   

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 26, 1784 – Benjamin Franklin expresses unhappiness over the selection of the eagle as America's symbol and says he would have chosen the turkey.  ***  So, if Mr. Franklin had his way, at Thanksgiving we’d all be eating eagles.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 25, 1939 – The nuclear age begins with the first nuclear fission experiment in the basement of Columbia University’s Pupin Hall by a group that includes Enrico Fermi.  ***  On the negative side, they missed a great kegger at the Alpha Beta fraternity.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 24, 1983 – Hulk Hogan pins the Iron Sheik for the World Wrestling Federation title.     ***   Actually, Mr. Sheik would have been prepared for that trick move if he had watched Mr. Hogan’s sex video.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 23, 1913 – A group known as the “Young Turks” carries out a coup d'etat against the Turkish government.   ***  They were so young they had to schedule the coup between recess and nap time.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 22, 2002 – Kmart Corporation becomes the largest retailer in United States history to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.  ***  The hearing was held at a courtroom marked by a flashing blue light.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 19, 2018

1.   After the owner’s publication of a tell-all book, the English lingerie store of Rigby & Peller lost the “royal warrant” which had marked it as a provider to the Queen and her family.   ***   Actually, what really did them in was the public introduction of the Queen's favorite undergarment line, “The Royal Peek-a-Boo.”    

2.   After 70 years in business, “The Doll Hospital & Toy Soldier Shop” in the Detroit suburb of Berkley is closing its doors.  ***  That’s too bad—It was the Republicans’ “Plan A” for replacing Obamacare and the VA.

3.   McDonald’s has announced that by 2025 it will use renewable, recyclable or certified materials in all of its packaging.  ***   To reduce the environmental impact even further, people ordering fries will be asked to hold out their hands. 

4.   The Centers for Disease Control has cancelled a planned meeting on “nuclear attack preparedness” and replaced it with a session on “how to reduce the spread of seasonal flu.”  ***  On a happy note, the CDC says most of those flu germs will never survive the first blast. 

5.   A new BBC documentary reveals that during World War II, amid fears of a Nazi invasion, England’s priceless crown jewels were hidden in a biscuit tin.   ***  Apparently they were betting that the Germans wouldn’t be hungry.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 19, 1977 – President Ford pardons Iva Toguri D'Aquino, the radio voice of Japan known as “Tokyo Rose.”   ***   But he rejected her request for a late night talk show on NBC. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 18, 1896 – The first U.S. demonstration of an X-ray machine is held in New York City.   ***  It was then used to screen passengers at the stagecoach station.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 17, 1976 – "I Write the Songs" by Barry Manilow hits #1.   ***   Its success immediately inspired his next song: “I Cash the Checks.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 16, 1965 – The Searchers hit #3 on the charts with "Love Potion Number 9."  *** But government officials said they don’t care how effective it is, it’s still not covered by Obamacare.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 15, 1346 – Emperor Louis IV of Bavaria gives Holland to his wife.   ***   I believe that was the original “Dutch treat.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 12, 2018

1.   First Lady Melania Trump has just announced three new additions to her White House staff, including a communications coordinator.  ***  Hey, what marriage couldn’t use one of those?

2.   Yesterday there was a two hour power outage and blackout at the big Consumers Electronics Show in Las Vegas.  ***  All the Millennials there hadn’t seen anything like that since their parents shut off power to the basement.

3.   Yesterday a small fire broke out on the roof of Trump Tower.  ***   That’s a shame. Trump staffers had been specifically instructed to extinguish all cigarettes before jumping.

4.   Dunkin’ Donuts has announced it will no longer use artificial food coloring.  ***  From now on, the colorful donut icing will be made from melted crayons.  

5.   McDonald’s has announced it may re-introduce the “Archburger,” an upscale hamburger made from fresh beef.  ***  In fact, it’s so exclusive McDonald’s will provide valet service for the drive-thru.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1820 – The Royal Astronomical Society is founded in England.  ***   It was for people who love to use superlatives. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1892 – Artist Paul Gauguin marries a 13-year-old Tahitian girl.   ***   Well, maybe he needed help with his computer.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1949 – RCA introduces the 45 RPM record.   ***  I believe they reduced the speed from 78 RPM so you could read the label while it was spinning.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1879 – Cheyenne prisoners revolt at Fort Robinson, led by an Indian known as “Dull Knife.”  ***   Actually, a lot of leaders aren’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but usually they keep it secret.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1993 – The Elvis Presley commemorative postage stamp goes on sale.  ***  It was the first stamp ever printed on black velvet.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 5, 2018

1.   Appalachian State trounced Toledo 34 to 0 in the “Dollar General Bowl.”  ***  Most fans didn’t mind the lopsided score, but they were really disappointed to find out they couldn’t buy beer for a buck.

2.   According to a study published in the journal “Psychological Bulletin,” many Millennials are sinking into depression because of an irrational pursuit of perfection.  ***   And then they get even more depressed if their depression isn’t perfect.

3.   On New Year’s Eve, 600 fireworks accidentally exploded in the trunk of a man’s car in Houston.  ***  Hundreds of drunken revelers were impressed: “Hey dude, awesome turn signal!”

4.   During a recent trip to London, Selena Gomez reportedly changed outfits six times in one day.   ***  Or maybe that was boyfriends.

5.   Florida police arrested celebrity Luann de Lesseps for battery of an officer and disorderly intoxication.  Ms. de Lesseps starred in “Real Housewives of New York" and is also noted for her music video, “Money Can't Buy You Class."   ***  In fact, during her arrest she showed that the song can be especially touching when sung while disheveled, handcuffed and throwing up in the back seat of a police car.

6.   According to Google, the most frequently asked question about sex is, “Where is the G-spot?”  ***  The second most popular question is, “Wait a minute--are you sure the “G” really stands for “Google”?

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 5, 1531 – Pope Clemens VII forbids English king Henry VIII to re-marry.  ***   So, when you join Match.com, make sure you pay a little extra and get the optional Vatican Approval app. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 4, 1925 – French psychologist Emil Coué brings his self-esteem therapy to U.S. with the philosophy "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better."   ***    “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone, people like me.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 3, 1924 – After several years of searching, British Egyptologist Howard Carter finally finds the tomb of King Tutankhamun, commonly known as King Tut.  ***  Mr. Carter immediately broke into an impromptu song-and-dance routine that was later immortalized by Steve Martin.  

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 2, 1960 – Senator John F. Kennedy announces his candidacy for president at a press conference in Washington D.C.   ***  These days, of course, he would have just used Twittah.