Friday, January 12, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 12, 2018

1.   First Lady Melania Trump has just announced three new additions to her White House staff, including a communications coordinator.  ***  Hey, what marriage couldn’t use one of those?

2.   Yesterday there was a two hour power outage and blackout at the big Consumers Electronics Show in Las Vegas.  ***  All the Millennials there hadn’t seen anything like that since their parents shut off power to the basement.

3.   Yesterday a small fire broke out on the roof of Trump Tower.  ***   That’s a shame. Trump staffers had been specifically instructed to extinguish all cigarettes before jumping.

4.   Dunkin’ Donuts has announced it will no longer use artificial food coloring.  ***  From now on, the colorful donut icing will be made from melted crayons.  

5.   McDonald’s has announced it may re-introduce the “Archburger,” an upscale hamburger made from fresh beef.  ***  In fact, it’s so exclusive McDonald’s will provide valet service for the drive-thru.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1820 – The Royal Astronomical Society is founded in England.  ***   It was for people who love to use superlatives. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 11, 1892 – Artist Paul Gauguin marries a 13-year-old Tahitian girl.   ***   Well, maybe he needed help with his computer.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1949 – RCA introduces the 45 RPM record.   ***  I believe they reduced the speed from 78 RPM so you could read the label while it was spinning.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1879 – Cheyenne prisoners revolt at Fort Robinson, led by an Indian known as “Dull Knife.”  ***   Actually, a lot of leaders aren’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but usually they keep it secret.


10.  On this date in history:  Jan 8, 1993 – The Elvis Presley commemorative postage stamp goes on sale.  ***  It was the first stamp ever printed on black velvet.

Friday, January 5, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 5, 2018

1.   Appalachian State trounced Toledo 34 to 0 in the “Dollar General Bowl.”  ***  Most fans didn’t mind the lopsided score, but they were really disappointed to find out they couldn’t buy beer for a buck.

2.   According to a study published in the journal “Psychological Bulletin,” many Millennials are sinking into depression because of an irrational pursuit of perfection.  ***   And then they get even more depressed if their depression isn’t perfect.

3.   On New Year’s Eve, 600 fireworks accidentally exploded in the trunk of a man’s car in Houston.  ***  Hundreds of drunken revelers were impressed: “Hey dude, awesome turn signal!”

4.   During a recent trip to London, Selena Gomez reportedly changed outfits six times in one day.   ***  Or maybe that was boyfriends.

5.   Florida police arrested celebrity Luann de Lesseps for battery of an officer and disorderly intoxication.  Ms. de Lesseps starred in “Real Housewives of New York" and is also noted for her music video, “Money Can't Buy You Class."   ***  In fact, during her arrest she showed that the song can be especially touching when sung while disheveled, handcuffed and throwing up in the back seat of a police car.

6.   According to Google, the most frequently asked question about sex is, “Where is the G-spot?”  ***  The second most popular question is, “Wait a minute--are you sure the “G” really stands for “Google”?

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 5, 1531Pope Clemens VII forbids English king Henry VIII to re-marry.  ***   So, when you join Match.com, make sure you pay a little extra and get the optional Vatican Approval app. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 4, 1925French psychologist Emil CouĂ© brings his self-esteem therapy to U.S. with the philosophy "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better."   ***    “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone, people like me.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 3, 1924 – After several years of searching, British Egyptologist Howard Carter finally finds the tomb of King Tutankhamun, commonly known as King Tut.  ***  Mr. Carter immediately broke into an impromptu song-and-dance routine that was later immortalized by Steve Martin.  


10.  On this date in history:  Jan 2, 1960Senator John F. Kennedy announces his candidacy for president at a press conference in Washington D.C.   ***  These days, of course, he would have just used Twittah.  

Friday, December 22, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 22, 2017

1.   In order to boost business, Scandinavian Airlines has just announced free flights for all kids under 11. ***  They expect to cover the costs through increased liquor sales to all the adults.

2.   According to the website 24/7 Wall St., New Jersey has the highest percentage of 18-34 year olds who live with their parents (47%).  ***  The study also showed that New Jersey has the highest percentage of elderly couples who are in the market for a house without a basement.

3.   According to Page Six, NBC is removing all traces of Matt Lauer, including nameplates, photos, and that special button under his desk that locked the office door.   ***  NBC isn’t saying if other TV personalities are suspected of sexual harassment, but the day after Mr. Lauer was ousted they found two dozen buttons in the trash.

4.   NBC is reportedly planning to bring back its popular sitcom “The Office.”  ***  Not surprisingly, the network had failed to replicate the character dynamics in its modernized sequel, “Working from Home.”

5.   After 28 years of marriage, the stars of “Long Island Medium,” Theresa and Larry Caputo, have decided to legally separate.  ***  Larry has hired a top divorce lawyer, while Theresa has been getting advice from Clarence Darrow.

6.    On this date in history:  Dec 22, 1964 – Comedian Lenny Bruce is convicted of obscenity. ***   At his trial, several night club owners testified that he actually said, “Who cares about profits?”

7.    On this date in history:  Dec 21, 1620 – 103 Mayflower pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock.  ***  Fortunately for history, they apparently landed at a place where all the rocks had names.

8.    On this date in history:  Dec 20, 1957 –  Elvis Presley receives a draft notice to join the U.S. Army.  ***  Suddenly, Heartbreak Hotel didn’t seem so bad.

9.    On this date in history:  Dec 19, 1686 – Per the story by Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe leaves his island on this date, 28 years after the shipwreck.  ***   So, did the Professor, Mary Ann and all the others leave, too?


10.  On this date in history:  Dec 18, 1787 – New Jersey becomes the 3rd state to ratify the Constitution.  ***  But only after the other states promised to call them the “Garden State” without laughing.

Friday, December 15, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 15, 2017

1.   An article published in the scientific journal “Joule” says that Greek yogurt could be used to power jet planes.  ***   So, you’ll know we might be gearing up for war if you see a lot of Air Force uniforms in the dairy aisle.

2.   In Alabama, defeated senate candidate Roy Moore is demanding a recount, and told his supporters, “God is always in control.”  ***  So, in the first tally of votes, God miscounted?

3.   According to a recent medical study reported on NBC, depression can begin much earlier than previously thought.  ***   In fact, it generally starts within 15 minutes of reading all your friends’ posts on Facebook.

4.   In an environment-friendly move, Anheuser-Busch plans to replace its delivery fleet with electric Tesla trucks because they don’t have any dirty, smelly emissions.  ***   Shucks, I kinda liked the Clydesdales.

5.   The mayor of Davenport, Florida was arrested for using the handicap parking permits of deceased people.  ***  She apologized for her illegal actions, and promised that from now on she’ll be sure to put the dead person in the passenger seat.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 15, 1891James Naismith invents basketball in Canada.  ***  Of course, that was the Canadian version, which was played with a ball, a hoop and hockey sticks. 

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1987 – Chrysler pleads no contest to telling buyers that previously-driven vehicles were new.  ***  But at least that was progress—a few years earlier they couldn’t even convince customers that the new cars were new.

8.   On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1961Jimmy Dean's “Big Bad John” becomes country music's first million-dollar seller.  ***  Of course, it helped that every album came with a free pack of sausage.

9.   On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1946 – The United Nations accepts six city blocks in Manhattan as a gift from John D, Rockefeller Jr.   ***   Ah yes, who wouldn’t love a nice set of blocks for Christmas? 


10.  On this date in history:  Dec 11, 1936 – King Edward VIII abdicates the English throne to marry American divorcee Wallis Simpson, and the Duke of York becomes king.  ***  The new king’s first act was to declare this date “Wallis Simpson Appreciation Day.”

Friday, December 8, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 8, 2017

1.  Ford just announced it will manufacture its next-generation electric car in Mexico, which is contrary to the wishes of President Trump.  ***  A company spokesman said they’d like to honor the president’s request, but there were just too many problems with building a plant in Jerusalem.

2.  Lionsgate studio suddenly dropped plans for a December release of “Gotti,” in which John Travolta plays notorious mob leader John Gotti. ***  Studio executives said they had no idea the film would feature a Bee Gees soundtrack and Mr. Gotti portrayed as a talented mobster obsessed with disco dancing.

3.  According to an article in “The Atlantic” magazine, Mike Pence had offered to replace Donald Trump on the Republican ticket after revelations of Mr. Trump’s vulgar, sexist remarks on the “Access Hollywood” tape.   ***   The religiously conservative Mr. Pence was reportedly shocked by Mr. Trump’s aggressive comments, especially after someone explained what some of the words meant.

4.  After the Zimbabwe military confined him to his home for several days, 93 year old President Robert Mugabe apparently evaluated his situation and has resigned.   ***   According to his staff, the turning point came when he found out his cable package includes “Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune.”

5.  A woman in Vermont was arrested for making ricin poison and feeding it to residents in her retirement community, but without success   ***   At first she thought it was lethal, but that was just everyone dozing off during the Matlock re-runs.

6.  On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1777 – Captain Cook leaves the Society Islands.  ***   He then went to the Society Mountains because he preferred high society.

7.  On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1877 – Thomas A Edison demonstrates the gramophone.  ***  It was a special telephone used to call Grammas. 

8.  On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1974 – George Harrison releases "Ding Dong, Ding Dong."  ***  These days, however, a lot of celebrities are getting into big trouble for releasing their ding dong.

9.  On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1951 – The TV show "Dragnet" premieres.  ***  Jack Webb got the lead role; in auditions, he was the only actor who could speak with absolutely zero voice inflection. 


10.  On this date in history:  Dec 4, 1783 – Gen Washington bids his officers farewell at Fraunce's Tavern in New York City.  ***  He then took off and left them stuck with the tab.

Friday, December 1, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 1, 2017

1.   According to a worldwide study of over 800,000 individuals, married people are 20% less likely to show signs of dementia.  ***  That’s because they can still handle every situation by saying, “Yes, Dear.”

2.   After complaints of “inappropriate behavior,” storyteller Garrison Keillor has been fired by Minnesota Public Radio.  ***  Mr. Keillor can now be contacted at his home on Lake WeBeGone.

3.   Disney is planning to make a live action movie based on its animated film, “Prince Charming,” but they say the story will be told from an entirely different perspective.  ***  I believe it will be told from the viewpoint of the women, who document the predatory behavior of the smooth-talking prince and get him thrown in prison for ten years.

4.   Time magazine has just been bought by Meredith Corporation, which publishes other magazines such as Better Homes & Gardens. ***   Media observers say if President Trump wants to be the Time’s “Person of the Year” again, he’ll have to beat out an interior decorator and a landscaper.

5.   After 68 year old Congressman Joe Barton sent naked photos of himself to a Texas woman, she later made them public, which is a violation of a Texas law against “revenge porn.”  ***  She also violated a federal law against distributing nude pictures of anyone who’s old enough for Social Security.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 1, 1783 – In Paris, Jacques Charles and Nicolas Roberts make the world’s first untethered ascent with a hydrogen gas balloon.   ***  “No, dammit--I thought you tied the rope.”

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 30, 1678 – Roman Catholics are banned from being members of the English Parliament.  ***  It was just too disruptive to have so many people taking off early on bingo night.  

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 29, 1959 – The 2nd Annual Grammy Awards was held and Bobby Darin won with “Mack The Knife.”  ***  I believe that was in the category “Songs About Weapons.”

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 28, 1861 – The Confederate Congress officially admits Missouri to Confederacy.  ***  State officials had to promise to help fund the new government, provide soldiers to fight in the Civil War, and erect a lot of statues of the officers even if they lose.


10.  On this date in history:  Nov 27, 1934 – Bank robber George “Baby Face” Nelson dies in a shoot-out with the FBI.   ***  Agents had been told to be on the lookout for a 2 year old with a deep voice.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 24, 2017

1.   A man in Hampton, Virginia had his thumb bitten off while trying to fight off a carjacker.   ***  You know you’re having a bad day when someone steals your car and then you can’t even hitchhike home.

2.   Students in China say they have been forced to work 11 hours a day assembling Apple’s new iPhones.  ***  And here in the U.S., students spend about the same amount of time each day using them.

3.   Walmart plans to compete against online companies like Amazon by hosting 20,000 holiday parties at its Superstores across the country.  ***  The dress code will be “Walmart formal”:  Black sweatpants and high-heeled flip-flops.

4.   A study of retail stores shows that IKEA has one of the best return policies.  ***   In fact, after you assemble the furniture you can get a partial refund just for returning all the leftover pieces.

5.   On this date in history:  Nov 22, 1910 – Arthur Knight patents golf clubs with steel shafts.  ***  Not only were they straighter and stronger than the old wood shafts, but they were also more satisfying to wrap around a tree.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 22, 1939 – Bugsy Siegel and three associates murder Harry "Big Greenie" Greenberg after Greenberg had threatened to become a police informant.  ***  To paraphrase Kermit, it’s not easy being Greenie.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 21, 1871 – Emilio Onra becomes the first human cannonball.  ***   It wasn’t easy to find a man of his caliber.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 21, 1877 – Tom Edison announces his "talking machine" invention, the phonograph.  ***  However, whenever people asked to see his “talking machine,” he would introduce his wife.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1980 – United Artists withdraws the movie "Heaven's Gate" for re-editing.  ***  According to a studio spokesman, concerns arose after someone did some fact-checking with the Bible.


10.  On this date in history:  Nov 20, 1992 – Windsor Castle, the home of Queen Elizabeth, catches fire. ***  According to the royal spokesman, installing electrically heated seats on the throne had seemed like a good idea at the time.  (But not such a good idea in “hindsight.”)