Friday, June 15, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 15, 2018

1.   On the “Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,” John Travolta demonstrated dance moves from the “Grease” song “You’re the One that I Want.”  ***   However, now when he dances to that song he sings it to his chiropractor.  

2.   Japan is lowering the age of adulthood from 20 to 18.  ***  And schools have been ordered to make kids grow up two years faster.

3.   The FDA has approved Aimovig, the first drug developed to prevent migraine headaches.  ***  In a humanitarian gesture, they accelerated the approval process to make sure it was available before the midterm elections.

4.   It’s been revealed that Duchess Meghan (Markle) relies on Prince Harry for guidance on royal fashion etiquette.   ***   He’s also her go-to expert for asking, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

5.   Arianna Huffington is promoting eye health through the “20-20-20” rule: After 20 minutes of looking at your cell phone screen, you should take a 20 second break to look 20 feet away.  ***   She said this is especially important if you’re driving.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1844 – Charles Goodyear patents the process for vulcanizing rubber.  ***  Oh, I thought vulcanizing was what Mr. Spock did when he pinched someone’s neck.

7.   On this date in history:  June 14, 1953 – Elvis Presley graduates from L.C. Humes High School in Memphis, Tennessee.  ***  Where he majored in hip swiveling, pelvis grinding and snarling,

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1990 – A Boeing 767 sets a nonstop commercial flight distance record of 9,253 miles, flying from Seattle to Narobi, Kenya.  ***  The flight was so long that by the time it landed most passengers forgot why they were going.

9.   On this date in history:  June 12, 1952 – In Bonham, Texas, a record 420th kitten is born to a cat named Dusty.   ***  Well, her owner called her “Dusty.”  All the boy cats called her “Easy.”

10.  On this date in history:  June 11, 1939 – The king and queen of England taste their first hot dogs at a party hosted by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.   *** However, they insisted on having their dogs served with Grey Poupon.

Friday, June 8, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 8, 2018

1.   Although it was the British who burned down the White House in 1812, President Trump told Canada’s prime minister Justin Trudeau that the Canadians did it.  ***  Apparently Mr. Trump is confused between the country that actually burned down the White House versus all the ones that just want to.

2.   IHOP announced it is changing its name to IHOb, but has not yet announced what “b” stand for.  ***  It could be International House of bull$#@%, but then it might get confused with the White House.

3.   Earlier this week a contractor working at the White House was arrested on an outstanding warrant for attempted murder.  ***   However, President Trump says he plans to immediately issue a presidential pardon for the man in order to reverse a terrible injustice, provide hope for the oppressed and get the guy back to finish that bathroom remodeling job.

4.   Earlier this week a contractor working at the White House was arrested on an outstanding warrant for attempted murder.  ***  Officials became suspicious of the man after his work consistently came in on schedule and under budget.

5.   In an interview with GQ magazine, Brad Pitt revealed that after he split from Angelina Jolie he realized that his priorities in life had been all out of line.  ***    He said that once he had time to reflect, he realized that “Ocean’s Eleven” was much more important than any of the sequels.

6.   Recent statistics show the Japanese have the highest life expectancy in the world, while the U.S. only ranks 31st.   ***   So, I guess the Japanese didn’t have to attack Pearl Harbor; they could have just waited.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 8, 1889 – Cable cars begin service in Los Angeles.  ***  At that time in the history of Los Angeles, “ding-a-ling” referred to the bells on the cable cars, not the people riding them.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 7, 1970 – The rock opera “Tommy” is performed by The Who at New York's Lincoln Center.  ***  Actually, the organizers made it a double bill event just so the MC could say, “The Who’s on first.” 

9.   On this date in history:  June 4, 1965 – Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones release "(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction," which received a lot of criticism due to its suggestive lyrics.   ***   The words suggested that Mr. Jagger had absolutely no respect for good grammar.

Friday, June 1, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, June 1, 2018

1.   Dunkin’ Donuts’ special offering of coffee flavors based on Girl Scout cookies ended yesterday.  ***   It was a great idea, but customers expected their coffee to be delivered every morning by a little girl pulling a wagon.

2.   David Copperfield has just been found “not guilty” after being sued by a man who was injured during a trick in which members of the audience vanished.   ***  Hey, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from mob trials, it’s never a good idea to sue someone who has a history of making people disappear.

3.   Roseanne Barr has apologized for sending out mean-spirited, derogatory, racist tweets and claimed it was because she had taken Ambien.  ***  Too bad it wasn’t Lunesta—she could have blamed it all on the butterfly.

4.   Embattled EPA head Scott Pruitt has established a legal defense fund to fight charges of unethical behavior and sweetheart deals with the energy industry.    ***    The defiant Mr. Pruitt vowed to keep on defending himself, right down to his last petrodollar.

5.   A huge sinkhole has suddenly opened up on the White House lawn.  ***  President Trump reacted immediately and announced that next year’s Easter Egg Roll is going to be the most exciting one ever.

6.   A woman in Florida saved herself by slipping a veterinarian a note which said, “Call the cops. My boyfriend is threatening me. He has a gun.”   ***   The 9-1-1 operator told the vet that police were on their way, and in the meantime the woman should remain calm, act normal and stop referring to the guy as “boyfriend.”

7.   On this date in history:  June 1, 1869 – Thomas Edison patents a “voting machine.”  ***   He invented the NRA?

8.   On this date in history:  May 31, 1678Lady Godiva rides naked through Coventry to protest higher taxes.  ***   So, authorities raised taxes again and told her to bring her friends.

9.   On this date in history:  May 30, 1889The brassiere is invented.   ***  That was over 100 years ago, and yet so many women in Hollywood are apparently still unaware of it.

10.  On this date in history:  May 29, 1630 – Governor John Winthrop begins writing "History of New England."   ***      Apparently he saw nothing ironic in writing a “History” of something that was “New.”

Friday, May 25, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, May 25, 2018

1.   Kellogg’s is adding a new flavor to its “Froot Loops” mix.  It’s in the shape of a purple star and is called “Wild Berry.”  ***  They’re also planning to add a black star and call it “Chuck Berry.”

2.   The mayor of West Hollywood, John Duran, declared May 23rd “Stormy Daniels Day,” and presented Ms. Daniels with a key to the city.  ***  He also gave her the keys to his condo, his ski lodge and his beach house.

3.   A new museum in Paris, the Palais de Tokyo, recently held a special event just for nudists. ***  Attendees were advised to be extra careful going through the turnstiles.

4.   Walmart is now trying to attract wealthy online shoppers by offering upscale fashions on a new website.  ***

5.   After all the contestants competed in several categories, the title of Miss USA went to Miss Nebraska.  ***  However, several contestants cried foul and said that husking corn does not qualify as a talent.

6.   On this date in history:  May 25, 1922 – Babe Ruth is suspended for one day and fined $200 for throwing dirt on an umpire.  ***  What happens when you throw dirt depends on who you are—If you’re a baseball player, you get fined; if you’re a politician, you get elected.

7.   On this date in history:  May 24, 1959 – In Pleasant Hills, Pennsylvania, the first house with a built-in bomb shelter is exhibited.  ***   “Why, no dear, it only looks like a man cave.”

8.   On this date in history:  May 23, 1982 – Colin Wilson rides a surfboard 294 miles.   ***   It was strapped to the top of his buddy’s VW.

9.   On this date in history:  May 22, 1961"Mother-In-Law" by Ernie K-Doe hits #1.   ***   Just about the time the divorce was finalized.

10.  On this date in history:  May 21, 1917 – Leo Pinckney becomes the first American drafted in WWI.   ***   He immediately went to the tattoo shop and asked for a refund on his “Lucky Leo” tat.  

Friday, May 18, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, May 18, 2018

1.   A man was shot and arrested at the Trump National Doral Golf Club in Miami after he opened fire in the lobby while shouting criticisms of Mr. Trump.  ***   I believe he was yelling, “I don’t care if he is the president, he’s gotta replace his &%#@$ divots!” 

2.   Meghan Markle’s strange father, who faked a paparazzi photo and then had a heart attack, has undergone surgery and the doctors say he is “alert and coherent.”  ***  Ms. Markle is saying it’s a miracle, because the old man hasn’t been alert or coherent for at least the last ten years.

3.   A woman in Arizona has been accused of stalking after sending a man 65,000 texts.  ***   Neighbors describe her as an attractive woman with black hair, brown eyes and really well-developed thumbs.

4.   Prince William is obligated to hand out a soccer trophy on the same day that brother Harry is getting married, so he plans to attend the wedding, then take a helicopter to the soccer stadium and still make it back in time for the reception.   ***  He says there’s no way he’d miss that reception after he and Kate spent two weeks practicing the royal Chicken Dance.

5.   According to a report in New York Magazine, on most nights President Trump speaks on the phone with Fox’s Sean Hannity before he goes to sleep.  ***  And Mr. Hannity always assures the president that there are no monsters hiding under his bed…because they’re all busy writing articles for their newspapers.

6.   On this date in history:  May 18, 1619 – A Dutch statesman known as Hugo the Great is sentenced to life in prison.   ***   Because of the seriousness of his offenses, prosecutors had actually recommended the ultimate punishment—changing his name to Hugo the Ordinary.

7.   On this date in history:  May 17, 1975 – Mick Jagger punches a restaurant window and gets 20 stitches.  ***   But no satisfaction.

8.   On this date in history:  May 16, 1527 – Florence becomes a republic.  ***   Wow, she must have put on a lot of weight.

9.   On this date in history:  May 15, 1718 – James Puckle, a London lawyer, patents the world's first machine gun.   ***    I believe the U.S. distributor was a guy named Kelly.

10.  On this date in history:  May 14, 1878 – Vaseline Petroleum Jelly goes on sale.   ***   Unfortunately, most stores put it in the food aisle with the peanut butter.

Friday, May 11, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, May 11, 2018

1.   Charles Lazarus, the founder of Toys R Us, has died at the age of 94.  ***  Just before passing, Mr. Lazarus put on a T-shirt that said, “He who dies with the most toys wins” and declared victory. 

2.   Queen Elizabeth is hiring a new royal chef.  ***   She’s looking for someone who is experienced, creative and specializes in cooking with fiber.

3.   The Mormon Church has announced that it is severing all ties with the Boy Scouts because it disagrees several new policies, such as the admission of gay scout leaders.  ***  Also, the church never forgave the Scouts for dropping the polygamy merit badge.

4.   In Alabama, a 13 year old accident victim suddenly awoke from a two-month coma right after his parents signed documents allowing his organs to be donated.  ***   Now, parents everywhere are rejoicing because someone finally found a way to get a teenager’s attention.

5.   Pediatrician Eboni Hollier has identified several signs that your child may be a genius.  ***   However, she points out that if people often tell your kid, “Way to go, genius,” they’re probably not.

6.   On this date in history:  May 11, 1959 – "Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb," sung by Edd “Kookie” Byrnes and Connie Stevens, hits #4 on the charts.   *** I believe it was later performed by Mr. Byrnes’ new group, “Eddie & the Lice.” 

7.   On this date in history:  May 10, 1869 – The Transcontinental Railroad is completed when the “Golden Spike” is driven at Promontory Point, Utah.  ***   Hmmm…“Transcontinental,” ”Golden Spike” and “Promontory Point.”  Before the marketing department got involved it was “cross-country,” “big nail” and “middle of nowhere.”

8.   On this date in history:  May 9, 1671 – Colonel Thomas Blood attempts to steal the Crown Jewels.  ***  Unfortunately, he didn’t understand the difference between “Crown Jewels” and “Family Jewels.”

9.   On this date in history:  May 8, 1980 – The World Health Organization announces that smallpox has been eradicated.  ***  However, mediumpox and largepox are still a threat.

10.  On this date in history:  May 7, 1966 – The Mamas & Papas’ "Monday Monday" hits #1 on the charts.  ***  However, they were not nearly as successful with their next song, “Tuesday, Tuesday.”

Friday, April 27, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 27, 2018

1.   When EPA head Scott Pruitt presented his proposed budget to Congress he was grilled about recent expenditures for a soundproof booth, security, first class travel and other items, but in every case he pinned the blame on his subordinates. ***  In regards to next year’s budget, he said he’s going to need at least one more bus.

2.   David Meade, a self-proclaimed “Christian researcher,” says the Rapture will end the world as we know it by December of this year.  ***   So, without another Christmas, it’s pretty clear why Toys ‘R’ Us went ahead and declared bankruptcy.

3.   Former House Speaker John Boehner has joined the advisory board of a pot company, and says his views on marijuana have “evolved.”   ***   I believe his unique version of evolution will be featured in a new TV show, “The Big Buck Theory.”

4.   This week President Trump and French President Macron planted a tree on the White House lawn.  ***  Then their wives had them trim the hedges and pull weeds in the Rose Garden.

5.   A Brooklyn mail carrier who stashed 17,000 pieces of undelivered mail said he had been “overwhelmed” with the workload but “made sure to deliver the important mail.”   ***   Everything with a centerfold.

6.   On this date in history:  April 27, 1773 – British Parliament passes the Tea Act, which eventually led to the Boston Tea Party.   ***   If it was summertime I wonder if it would have been the Iced Tea Act.

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1478Easter is celebrated for the first time.  ***   With a risen Jesus, Easter bunnies and eggs, I’m pretty sure the holiday was created by a committee.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1954 – The U.S. performs an atmospheric nuclear test at Bikini Island.  ***  Wow, talk about leaving tan lines.

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 24, 1524Admiral Bonnivet is driven out of Milan by the Duke of Bourbon.  ***  Actually, I don’t think the Duke of Bourbon should have been driving.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 23, 1991 – The USSR grants republics the right to secede under certain conditions.  ***   First condition: Hell freezes over.