Friday, August 19, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 19, 2016

1.  TV doctor Drew Pinsky (“Dr. Drew”) says he reviewed Hillary Clinton’s medical records and was shocked to see that she is getting treatments “from the 1950’s.”  ***  She must be on the Bronze Plan.

2.   A study by has concluded that Michigan is the state with the most bullying.  ***  The study found that it’s because Michigan has the most wusses, nerds and geeks, and they all need to be taught a lesson.

3.  In Williamstown, Kentucky, a recreation of Noah’s ark opened for public preview, but critics say it inaccurately includes dinosaurs onboard.   ***   They’re also a bit skeptical about the shuffleboard courts.

4.  In Fairview Heights, Illinois, a 2 year old boy left in a running car managed to put it in gear and drive until hitting a police car.   ***  The cops said they were amazed; it was the first time they had seen a child driving without texting.

5.  Over 450,000 condoms are being distributed to athletes at the Rio Olympics.  ***  However, many countries are refusing them in hopes of winning a ton of medals 20 years from now.

6.  On this date in history:  Aug 19, 1934 – A plebiscite in Germany gives sole executive power to Adolph Hitler.  *** Apparently, Germans responded favorably to his campaign slogan, “Hey, what could possibly go wrong?”

7.  On this date in history:  Aug 18, 1962 – Peter, Paul & Mary release their 1st hit "If I Had a Hammer."  ***  The United Brotherhood of Carpenters immediately threatened violence unless they get a union card.

8.  On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1948 – The Philadelphia Phillies commit 8 errors in one game.   ***   Apparently their first error was coming to the ballpark.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 12, 2016

1.  Belgian Dirk van Tichelt was mugged on Rio’s Copacabana Beach after winning the bronze medal in judo.   ***   The attackers wisely avoided the guy who got the gold.

2.  When a man in Springfield, Missouri suffered a pulmonary embolism, his self-driving Tesla saved his life by taking him to the hospital.  ***  However, he almost died when the car spent 10 minutes looking for a really good parking spot.

3.  Georgetown University has denied rumors that Angelina Jolie is going to teach there this fall.  ***  That’s a big disappointment to guys who had planned on misbehaving in her class in hopes of getting spanked.

4.  All Delta flights were grounded for a few hours on Monday because of a computer outage.  ***  Of course, Delta was well prepared for these sorts of problems—they had the Geek Squad on speed dial.

5.  In Detroit, an Uber driver was carjacked and then instructed to go to an ATM and withdraw $2,000.   ***   Actually, very few people are even aware of this new option on their Uber app.

6.  Supporters of Donald Trump have established a special Super PAC to attract Amish voters.  ***  However, there has been some disagreement on the plan to have Melania pose naked with a horse and buggy.

7.  On this date in history:  Aug 11, 1866 – The world's first roller rink opens in Newport, Rhode Island.  ***  It was a brilliant idea. Previously, people would just go into a big empty building and walk around in a circle. 

8.  On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1975 – David Frost purchases exclusive rights to interview former president Richard Nixon.  ***  I believe Mr. Nixon charged $1,000 for each true/false question and $3,000 for multiple choice.

9.  On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1854 – Henry David Thoreau publishes "Walden."  *** Pond for pond, one of the best books of all time.

10. On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1844 – Brigham Young is chosen to head the Mormon Church.   ***  He accepted the position after leaders met his demands for a decent salary, a comfortable retirement plan and his name on a university with a really good basketball team.

Friday, August 5, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 5, 2016

1.   A 40 year old Nigerian man known only as “Mike” has been arrested and charged with perpetrating over $60 million worth of internet scams.  ***  He was released, however, when he promised to send authorities an undisclosed number of gold bars.  

2.   Scientists have found that Australia has been moving at a rate of 2.75 inches each year.  ***  In fact, they say that by the year 3000 the Outback will be out front.

3.   A man in Dallas, Georgia was arrested last weekend for having sex with a goat.  ***  Down in Georgia there’s a lot of concern about incest, so at least he had the decency to first make sure that he and the goat weren’t related.

4.   Workplace expert Lynn Taylor has identified a dozen words and phrases that make a person seem untrustworthy or less intelligent.   ***  Number one on the list:  “I’m running for president.”

5.   According to the top health official in Rio, recent data indicates the Zika virus should no longer be a concern for people coming to the Olympics.  ***  He said the latest numbers show that the muggers and kidnappers will probably get you first.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 5, 1981 – President Regan fires 11,500 air traffic controllers.  ***  Of course, first he checked with Nancy to make sure she didn’t have any big trips planned.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 4, 1693 – Dom Perignon invents champagne.  ***  Of course, he didn’t sell any until people had something to celebrate.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1963 – The Beatles play their final performance at the Cavern Club in Liverpool.  ***  But they always remembered their roots, and even on the Ed Sullivan Show they insisted that the audience have a two drink minimum.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1939 – The Hatch Act prohibits political activity by federal workers.  ***  Apparently there was later legislation that went a step further and prohibited ALL activity by federal workers.    

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1774 – Joseph Priestly discovers oxygen.   ***  I wonder what people breathed before that? 

Friday, July 29, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 29, 2016

1.   In an NBC News survey, 48% of Americans said they don’t know enough about Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, to form an opinion on him.  *** The other 52% also don’t know enough, but they have an opinion anyway.

2.   A Zappos employee set a record with a customer service phone call that lasted 10 hours and 43 minutes.   ***   Or as they call that in the cable TV business, “wait time.”

3.   In Greene County, Missouri, police arrested a man who was caught having sex with a cow, and he confessed that it was the second time.  ***  You know, that’s really a shock…so many guys just never follow up after the first date.

4.   New Zealand jiu-jitsu fighter Jason Lee was kidnapped and robbed in Rio after he arrived for the summer Olympics.  ***   His three attackers were apprehended and taken before a judge, where they received a 5.6, 5.8 and 5.9.

5.   After investigating a wide-ranging doping scandal ahead of the Rio Olympics, the IOC announced that it would not impose a blanket ban on Russia.   ***  They said the Russians could bring as many blankets as they like.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 29, 1874 – Major Walter Wingfield patents a portable tennis court.   ***   If you think that’s impressive, you should see his golf course.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 28, 1943 – President Franklin Roosevelt announces the end of coffee rationing.  ***  It was a nice try, but Eleanor still limited him to one cup of caffeine a day.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1990 – Zsa Zsa Gabor begins a 3 day jail sentence for slapping a cop.  ***  She was shocked at the punishment, having known many men who would pay big money for that.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1981 – New York Mayor Ed Koch is given the Heimlich maneuver in a Chinese restaurant.  ***  But he learned his lesson:  Next time take out the fortune before eating the cookie.

10. On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1969 – 70,000 people attend the Seattle Pop Festival.   ***  The top attractions were Faygo, Vernors and Dr. Pepper.

Friday, July 22, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 22, 2016

1.  After receiving multiple complaints, the Toronto Animal Service informed Justin Bieber that they will not allow him to take any more pictures posing with lions.  ***  Unless he’s their dinner.

2.  Chris Christie defended Melania Trump against charges of plagiarism by pointing out that 93% of her speech was entirely original.  ***  Mr. Christie also proudly noted that for 93% of his time in office his staff did not shut down lanes on a bridge.

3.  On the first night of the Republican National Convention, a huge cheer erupted when Rudy Giuliani said, “You know who you are and we’re coming to get you.”  ***  Wow—I had no idea Republicans were so fanatical about finding Pokémon.

4.  In an interview with Bill O’Reilly, Donald Trump said he had to overcome huge obstacles in his campaign because “the system is rigged.”  ***  But, Mr. Trump is still in the running, which proves one thing:  Someone’s gotta do a better job of rigging.

5.  The TSA is urging the public to adopt dogs that didn’t quite qualify for airport security duties.  ***  The agency added that employees who aren’t working out are also available for adoption.  (And some of those checkpoint personnel can be quite “frisky.”)

6.  On this date in history:  Jul 22, 1854 – J. R. Hind discovers a new asteroid.  ***  You know, some jokes just write themselves.

7.  On this date in history:  Jul 21, 1940 – The Soviet Union annexes Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania.  ***  These days, of course, they just get better Olympic teams by doping.

8.  On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1969 – Apollo 11 lands on the moon with Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin.  ***  They immediately began looking for geological items of interest.  Today they’d just start searching for Pokémon.

9.  On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1553 – 15-year-old Lady Jane Grey is deposed as England's queen after 9 days.  ***   Afterwards she said, “OMG, it was like so boring. It was totally not fun. I had to sit on this big stupid chair with a dumb hat and smile at people and I’m just like “What-ev-ver…”

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1814 – The British capture Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin.  ***  The battle was quite a spectacle:  The British in their fancy uniforms fighting a ragtag army of Wisconsinites wearing foam cheese hats.

Friday, July 15, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 15, 2016

1.  In its promotion of Sangria Herbal Tea, a Starbucks ad says, “Stir, sip and smile.”  ***  McDonald’s has a similar line for its hot coffee:  “Spill, scream and sue.”

2.  A huge fight broke out at a Wal-Mart in upstate New York after someone criticized a woman’s dress and family members armed themselves with bats from the sporting goods section.   ***  According to a company press release, “the combatants selected the Professional Model Louisville Slugger, regularly priced at $29.95, currently on sale at 25% off, and proceeded to our well-stocked clothing section which features the latest in designer fashions…”    

3.  The FBI announced that it is officially ending its 45 year search for D.B. Cooper, who parachuted from a plane in 1971 with a sack full of ransom money.  ***   Having exhausted all other avenues, their last hope was that he would eventually come forward and claim his unused frequent flier miles.

4.  Mark Zuckerberg revealed that he recently fell off his bike and seriously injured himself.  ***  He posted the details on his new website, “FaceBroke.”

5.  Caitlyn Jenner posted a Twitter picture of herself with her first Jenner grandson. ***  Transma?

6.  On this date in history:  Jul 15, 1922 – A duck-billed platypus is publicly exhibited in the U.S. for the first time, at the New York Zoo.   ***   It was immediately clear that Noah should never have let the animals play together.

7.  On this date in history:  Jul 14, 1989 – The 16th James Bond movie, "License to Kill," premiers.   ***   It was a lot more exciting than the first 15 movies, in which he only had a license to hurt.

8.  On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1917 – A vision of the Virgin Mary appears to children of Fatima, Portugal.  ***  Wow—if there was ever a time that a kid could have used Facebook…

9.  On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1543 – English King Henry VIII weds Catherine Parr, his 6th and final wife.   ***   She ultimately outlived him, thanks to a clever no-beheading clause in the prenup.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1812 – The U.S. invades Canada at the Detroit border. ***  Of course, that was before you needed a passport.

Friday, July 8, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 8, 2016

1.   According to a study published in the journal “Health Affairs,” the legalization of medical marijuana has led to a significant drop in prescription drug costs paid out by Medicare Part D.  ***  It’s not that marijuana is cheaper than the other drugs, but the claim forms get rejected when pot smokers fill in every line with “whatever.”

2.   In a survey taken by the Employee Benefit Research Institute, 10% of elderly retirees said they are unhappy.   ***  The other 90% couldn’t hear the question, didn’t understand it, or forgot their answer.

3.   Convicted former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has taken to Facebook to proclaim his innocence.  ***  He’s pretty sure he’ll get enough “Likes” to override the jury’s decision.

4.   Parents in the Denver area are furious after finding out that a Boy Scout campground partnered with Hooters.  ***  Yeah, but you oughta see the merit badge.

5.   Author Elizabeth Gilbert announced she is separating from the man she wrote about in her book, “Eat Pray Love,” and she asked the public to respect her privacy.  ***  She said she now plans to write a sequel, “Eat Pray Leave,” at which time her privacy may be invaded for $29.95 a copy.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 8, 1969 – Thor Heyerdahl lands in Barbados after a 57 day voyage from Morocco on his reed raft, the “Ra II.”  ***  Or, as Carnival Cruise Lines calls it, the no-frills package.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 7, 1948 – The Cleveland Indians sign Leroy Paige, known as “Satchel.”  *** Due to confusion over nicknames, people in the front office were disappointed when he arrived and couldn’t sing “Hello Dolly.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1908 – Robert Peary's expedition sails from New York City for the North Pole.  ***  He just didn’t trust the Postal Service to get his wish list to Santa.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1643 – The first recorded tornado in the U.S. touches down in Essex County, Massachusetts.   ***   However, there is no record of what tornados hit back in the days before there were trailer parks.

10. On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1946 – Louis Reard's bikini swimsuit design debuts at the Paris Fashion Show.  ***  But his true genius became apparent with step 2, when he then invented Beach Volleyball.