Friday, February 27, 2015

Friday, Feb 27, 2015

1.        The IRS says that because of budget constraints taxpayers have the lowest chance of being audited in the past decade.  ***  In fact, Turbo Tax will now automatically bump up your calculated refund if you just click the “I Feel Lucky” box.

2.        Nike is bringing back the “Classic Cortez” running shoe that was worn by Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump.”  ***  Each pair comes with a box of chocolates, a ping-pong paddle and a bucket of shrimp.

3.        Russia is planning military drills near the border with Latvia and Estonia.  ***  Soldiers will practice invading those countries and Vladimir Putin will practice denying it.

4.        In recent military exercises, the Iranian navy attacked a mock-up of a U.S. aircraft carrier.  ***  To make the carrier very realistic, they built it with schedule delays, cost over-runs and bribes.

5.        According to a study published in the Archives of Diseases in Children, kids should stop taking naps when they reach the age of two.  ***  I believe the study was conducted by five students in a local kindergarten.

6.        The World Wildlife Fund says the Amur leopard is making a comeback, and after analyzing trail camera photos of their unique fur patterns, scientists have concluded there are now at least 60 of the rare leopards.  ***  Unless they actually can change their spots, in which case there might only be three.  

7.        The NBC medical drama “The Night Shift” returns for a second season, in which two of the doctors will ramp up their romance  ***  while valiantly trying to save patients who are only on the Bronze Plan.

8.        Two actors in Thailand were sentenced to 2 ½ years in prison for putting on a play that defamed the ruling monarchy.  ***  Here in the U.S. we have a different way of making the people in power look bad.  It’s called the six o’clock news.

9.        At the Oscar presentations, John Travolta was criticized for getting a little too touchy-feely with Idina Menzel and Scarlett Johansson.  ***   After all, this is the Academy Awards, not some sleazy sideshow where you’d expect that sort of thing--like Joe Biden at a White House ceremony.

10.     Doctors at the Wexner Medical Center at The Ohio State University say that seniors can prevent falls by taking ten simple steps.  ***  Actually, they’re safer if they don’t take any steps at all.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Friday, Feb 20, 2015

1.        George Clooney and his wife, Amal, are building a “panic room” where they can run and hide if suddenly faced with a major threat.  ***  For example, if one of them started to lose their good looks.

2.        In an interview with Seth Meyers, Allison Williams defended her beleaguered father, newsman Brian Williams.  ***  She said, “Now, as I remember that helicopter ride….”

3.        Mars One, an organization that is planning a permanent mission to the red planet, has announced the 100 finalists for the one-way voyage. They were selected from an initial list of 200,000 candidates,  ***  most of whom were nominated by their in-laws.

4.        As a promotion for his upcoming Comedy Central roast, Justin Bieber was shown getting hit in the face with an egg.   So, apparently there are “Beliebers” ***  and there are “Eggthiests.”

5.        Yesterday Detroit police had to deal with an armed man who had barricaded himself inside a home.  ***  Really?  Someone wanted to lock himself IN Detroit?

6.        Because they could not agree on terms, Costco is ending a 16 year agreement that gave exclusivity to the American Express credit card. ***  So, American Express has a new slogan: “Okay, now you can leave home without it.”

7.        Singer-songwriter Leslie Gore has died at age 68.  She was perhaps best known for singing, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”  ***  The song was later covered by John Boehner and the GOP.

8.        Hasbro has come out with a high powered Nerf gun that can shoot a foam ball at 70 mph and is intended for use by adults.  ***   For example, seniors like it for settling disputes at bingo games.

9.        (Groaner Alert) A new video on the Internet shows a sheep who was raised with collies and now thinks she’s a dog. *** You should hear her b-a-a-a-a-rk.

10.     In honor of its 30th anniversary in March, the iconic movie “The Breakfast Club” will be shown at 430 theaters across the country.  ***  But, in recognition of its aging audience, the breakfasts will be digitally altered to include more soft foods, fiber and prunes.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Friday, Feb 13, 2015

1.        According to a study published in the British Medical Journal, drinking red wine is only beneficial for men between 50 and 64, and for women age 65 and over.  ***  You gotta admit, at 65 years old, Bruce Jenner’s timing is impeccable.

2.        At Pebble Beach’s iconic 18th hole, pro golfer Mark Hubbard suddenly got down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend.  ***  Everyone was shocked.  It’s the only time a golfer ever knelt down and didn’t pray for a putt to drop in.

3.        In Dallas, the mother of a 13 year-old pummeled a driver fleeing police after he ran into the back of their mini-van.  ***  I guess she’s a “socker mom.”

4.        A poll shows that bringing back the Joe Paterno statue at Penn State is supported by 71% of all Pennsylvanians ***  and 100% of the pigeons.

5.        It has come to light that the woman who planned to marry Charles Manson just wanted to make money by putting his body on display after his death.  ***  I believe the legal term is “corpus dinero.”                 

6.        Kyle Kraska, a TV sports anchor in San Diego, was wounded when a gunman shot up his car.  ***  Police subsequently received a phone call from another newscaster, a Mr. Williams, who claims to have been a passenger at the time.

7.        AMC Theaters is asking audiences to not bring props like whips and other S&M items to showings of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” ***  Oh. I was just going to bring my black and white crayons.

8.        A survey by the American Psychological Association found that 72% of American adults are stressed out about money.  ***  That’s really disturbing. That means 28% of the people in this country have a drug problem.

9.        The airport in Stockholm, Sweden may become a U.S. “clearance airport,” at which passengers can clear U.S. customs before their long flight to the United States.  ***   The idea is to process them while they still look like their passport photo.

10.     Pope Francis says spanking is OK.   ***   As long as it’s between consenting adults.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Friday, Feb 6, 2015

1.        During the weekend snow storm, Michigan police apprehended a naked man who was walking down the I-75 freeway wearing nothing but a cowboy hat.  ***  That was very strange.  You don’t usually see cowboy hats in Michigan.

2.        Strippers in Oregon are lobbying for better working conditions.  ***  Heated poles?

3.        A new housing development in Fargo, North Dakota has been invaded by 50 rabbits…***…60 rabbits…70 rabbits…80 rabbits…

4.        Malaysia has banned the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” because certain scenes were deemed “pornographic” and “sadistic.”  ***  However, authorities there have approved a heavily censored version, “Seven Shades of Grey.”

5.        Medical experts in the U.S. say that Vladimir Putin may have Asperger’s syndrome, which makes social settings somewhat challenging.  ***  For example, making cocktail party small talk with someone while trying to invade their country.

6.        A study at MIT has shown that the human brain can recognize an image after seeing it for only 13 milliseconds.   ***  Unless you’re looking at a photo of Bruce Jenner.

7.        The U.S. Department of Agriculture has ordered the Pittsburgh Zoo to stop using dogs to herd the elephants.  ***   They also said it was not nice to name the dogs “Boehner” and “McConnell.”

8.        The wife and children of the late Robin Williams are fighting over his estate.   ***  Carpe Dollarem.

9.        Lindsay Lohan and her mother are suing Sean Hannity and Fox News for allegedly making irresponsible comments.  ***    If there is a trial regarding irresponsibility, Lindsay is expected to testify as an expert witness.

10.     The prosecutor in a case against Lindsay Lohan is reportedly asking for jail time.  ***  He’ll do anything to get away from her.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Friday, Jan 23, 2015

1.        Peter Thiel, a co-founder of PayPal, is getting into the legal marijuana business.  *** I believe his company will be called PayDude.

2.        Two former WWE wrestlers are accusing their former employer of ignoring signs of brain damage.  ***   How could they miss it?  I mean, just one look at that audience…

3.        Justin Bieber says he’s thrilled that he’s going to be roasted on Comedy Central.  ***  I’ll bet he changes his mind when he sees the lighter fluid.

4.        Betty White’s “Hot in Cleveland” co-workers arranged a big choreographed flash mob last week to celebrate her 93rd birthday.  ***  For most people at that age, a flash mob is when six people show up for bingo.

5.        According to a study published in the Journal “Neurology,” it usually takes two triggering mechanisms to initiate a migraine headache.  ***  You know, like a son AND a daughter.

6.        62 year old Jeff Goldblum and his 31 year old wife are expecting their first child.  ***  What a range in ages.  They won’t know whether to take their vacations in the kiddie park, Central Park or Jurassic Park

7.        Professional golfer Robert Allenby was assaulted and robbed after being eliminated in a tournament in Hawaii.  ***  The last pro golfer to be assaulted was Tiger Woods.  I believe the perp took half his assets.

8.        On his trip back from the Philippines, Pope Francis told reporters that just because the church frowns on contraception, that doesn’t mean Catholics have to breed “like rabbits.”  ***  But, he said it wouldn’t hurt them to hop to church a little more often.

9.        Pope Francis told mothers they could breastfeed during a Sistine Chapel service in which he baptized 33 babies.  *** Afterwards, he was terribly embarrassed when he suddenly realized that he had patted more than 40 little bald heads.

10.     A Florida police station was embarrassed at the error on its new custom-made rug which said “In Dog We Trust.”  ***  That slip-up may seem funny at first, but it was truly offensive and hurtful to cats everywhere.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Friday, Jan 16, 2015

1.        The FBI has arrested a 20-year-old Ohio man for plotting to attack the U.S. Capitol, but an agency spokesman said the public was not at risk.  ***  The only time Americans are in danger is when Congress is in session.

2.        In order to avoid toilet breaks, traffic officers in the Philippines will be required to wear adult diapers when the Pope visits.  ***  Actually, the Vatican just asked that the police force be “Depend-able.”

3.        At the Detroit Auto Show, Verizon announced its “Verizon Vehicle” program which will provide services similar to On-Star directly to consumers.   ***  The only drawback is that drivers will occasionally be startled by a voice yelling, “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”

4.        Federal agents in Chicago raided two body donation operations that also involved Detroit.  ***  Chicago was using the names of the deceased for the voting rolls, and Detroit was going to get the bodies to re-populate the city.

5.        The Secret Service has re-assigned four senior officials because of recent security lapses.  Also, it was revealed that when an intruder got into the White House last year agents had thought he would be stopped by bushes around the front entrance.  ***  Apparently the agents didn’t realize the Bushes moved out six years ago.

6.        Katy Perry says she cried all day after she found out she would be performing at the Super Bowl.  ***  And the Detroit Lions cried all day after they found out they wouldn’t.

7.        There’s a lot of Internet commentary about the latest McDonald’s commercial, which features photos of signs at many of its restaurants showing community support in times of celebration and tragedy.  ***   Everyone is amazed they could find that many signs with no spelling errors.

8.        A young man tried to smuggle 94 iPhones into China by taping them all over his body, but was apprehended when border guards noticed his “weird walking posture and joint stiffness.”  ***    You know, he could have gotten away with it if he was 70.

9.        North Korea is accusing the U.S. and South Korea of planning an invasion.  ***  U.S. officials said that’s ridiculous—If we had plans to invade North Korea, Sony would have made a movie about it.

10.     An Italian video journalist ran an experiment in which he asked boys 6 to 11 years old to hit a girl, and all the boys refused.  ***  Smart kids.  At that age, the girls can beat them up.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Friday, Jan 9, 2015

1.     House speaker John Boehner told reporters he hates it when critics call him “spineless.”  ***  He said he prefers “vertebrae-impaired.”

2.     Pope Francis has named 23 new Cardinals.  ***  Well, if he included a couple good pitchers that certainly ought to get St. Louis to the World Series.

3.     Nicholas Sparks, author of “The Notebook” and several other romance novels, announced that he and wife of 25 years are separating.  ***  In his press release he said he will “forever miss her warm and tender skin…her soft, inviting lips...her hot breath …”

4.     Two customers at a McDonald’s in Japan found pieces of plastic in their Chicken McNuggets.  ***  They realized it as soon as they bit into something with flavor.

5.     Season six of “Sister Wives,” the reality show about a man with three wives, premiered with a segment involving a marriage therapist.  *** I wonder if she charges triple.

6.     An 85 year old woman in Waco, Texas has been arrested for using hundreds of neighborhood cats to make fur coats.  ***  Law enforcement officials became suspicious when they noticed a sharp decline in the number of local cat videos on Facebook.

7.     Customs officials say that drug dealers are trying to smuggle Mexican meth into the United States by liquefying it and putting it in cars as washer fluid.  ***   Border guards have been instructed to stop all cars with happy bugs on the windshield.

8.     Kobe Bryant says that European basketball coaches are better than U.S. coaches at teaching young players the fundamentals of the game.  ***   Trash talk, publicity and bling.

9.     North Korea’s Internet went down for nine hours last month, likely due to retaliation by the U.S. for the Sony hack.  ***  The punishment wasn’t the loss of Internet service; it was the nine hours that Kim Jong Un had to spend on the phone with a help desk in India.

10.  The son of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel was robbed and beaten right in front of the family home.   ***   You know you’re living a life of privilege when the muggers come to you.