Friday, August 28, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 28, 2015

1.        In a New York Times interview, TV host Larry King talked about funeral plans, although he previously said he’ll have his body cryogenically frozen in hopes that he could someday be revived.  ***  So, he won’t be permanently dead, but just in a state of “suspendered animation.”
2.        Several senior citizens were arrested for staging a protest by standing in the road and blocking traffic on the “Magnificent Mile” in downtown Chicago.  ***  That’s quite a change in strategy. Usually they block traffic by hopping in a Buick and driving very, very slowly.
3.        The Kraft Heinz Food Company is recalling two million pounds of turkey bacon.  ***   An alert employee suddenly realized that bacon isn’t made from turkey.
4.        A fourth American who helped the other three Americans subdue the attacker on a Paris-bound train has been identified.  *** Investigators also found that there had been several Frenchmen onboard during the incident, but their military training kicked in and they immediately began stitching a white flag.
5.        Ashley Madison subscriber and porno addict Josh Duggar is hiding out in an Arkansas farmhouse with his wife because he wants some peace and quiet…and no Internet.  ***  OK, I was kidding about no Internet.
6.        Monday was National Waffle Day.  ***  In honor of the occasion, all the presidential candidates avoided taking positions on key issues.
7.        A few celebrities have been revealed as subscribers to the Ashley Madison cheating web site.  ***  Of course, they can still use that other cheating site—Hollywood.
8.        Hacked data from the Ashley Madison website shows that West Virginia has the lowest percentage of married people having affairs.  ***  Yes, those West Virginians have high standards and would never cheat on their cousins.
9.        Josh Duggar has retracted his posted confession about being addicted to pornography.  ***  He found out he had just been watching MTV.
10.     Art historians now say that Leonardo da Vinci intentionally painted the Mona Lisa such that she appears happy and cheerful from a distance, but when viewed up close she is melancholy and hostile.  ***  The researchers say they first became aware of this phenomena while watching the audience at a Donald Trump rally.   


Friday, August 21, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 21, 2015

1.        A study in Denmark has shown that men who are constantly nagged are more likely to die prematurely.  ***   Ah, God is merciful.

2.        Lindsay Lohan is being sued by her former driver who claims that she owes him $28,000.  ***  And that was just for trips to the courthouse.

3.        Starbucks plans to expand its offerings, including bacon-wrapped dates.  ***  I can’t believe anyone would want their date wrapped in bacon.

4.        According to a survey by Visa, the average amount children get from the “Tooth Fairy” has dropped in each of the past two years.  ***  Of course, this trend is an opportunity to let kids know the truth:  You should always check the fine print to make sure your guaranteed benefits are indexed to the rate of inflation.

5.        At the Iowa State Fair a little boy asked Donald Trump if he was Batman.  ***  Well, that’s Trump’s version of the encounter.  Actually, the kid asked him if he’s been living in a cave.

6.        Hilary Clinton was doing a little campaigning in Las Vegas.  ***  It was an appropriate venue for announcing her new campaign slogan:  What happens in Benghazi stays in Benghazi.

7.        The president of WalMart says that a major reason for the recent drop in profits was increased losses due to theft, but he promised a quick response.  ***  Unfortunately, it involves 80 year-old greeters with sidearms.

8.        Starbucks is making plans to serve alcoholic drinks in the evenings.  ***  Good luck.  It’s hard enough to order a Starbucks beverage when you’re sober.

9.        Two Michigan hospitals are taking part in clinical trials of a new device to treat high blood pressure.   ***  It connects to your TV and blocks out all the political ads.

10.     A thief in Westland, Michigan struck a senior living facility for the second time, again stealing several TV’s.   ***  Boy, is he going to be ticked when he finds out they only show The Weather Channel, Home Shopping Network and re-runs of Matlock.

Friday, August 14, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 14, 2015

1.        Today is the 70th anniversary of the iconic photo of a sailor kissing a nurse in Times Square on V-J Day.   ***   Actually, you’re only allowed to grab a nurse and kiss her like that if a) you already know her, or b) you’ve just won a major war, or c) you’re on the Obamacare Gold Plan.

2.        HBO announced it is partnering with “Sesame Street” to bring the long-running kid’s show back to television.  ***  Terms of the deal were not released, but inside sources say that Oscar the Grouch is smiling.

3.        Through its buying service, Costco Auto Program, Costco is offering big savings on new cars.  ***  Of course, you have to buy ten of them. 

4.        According to a study published in the American Journal of Family Therapy, elementary school students are being given too much homework these days.  ***  Researchers say that young kids are spending nearly an hour every night just texting the answers back and forth.

5.        Some colleges are now offering an app called “Pocket Points” which gives students food discounts if they avoid using their smart phone in the classroom.  ***   But let’s not forget:  The main reason to not text or e-mail during class is that it interrupts your sleep.

6.        Archaeologists in Egypt now believe that King Tut’s tomb is actually part of a much larger tomb belonging to his mother, Queen Nefertiti.  ***  How embarrassing is that—He was the King of Egypt, and after 3,000 years he’s still staying at his mom’s place.

7.        McDonald’s is testing an app that lets customers scroll through the menu to see how many calories each item has.  ***  Or, if you don’t want to wade through all the numbers, the app will just Photoshop your selfie to show what you’re going to look like after too many Big Macs.

8.        Former President George W. Bush was called for jury duty in Dallas, but did not make the final cut.   ***  He was dismissed after admitting that he’d probably go with whichever verdict was easiest to pronounce.

9.        Country music stars Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert have almost finalized their divorce.  ***  They just need to decide who gets to sing about it.

10.     The restaurant rating website Yelp is now posting reviews of hospitals, along with the waiting time in the ER.  ***  And, if all the ER’s are full, Yelp can recommend a great restaurant for your last meal.

Friday, August 7, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 7, 2015

1.        Samples of Japanese whiskey were sent up to the International Space Station to study the aging process.  ***  “Hooshton, we have a probbum…”

2.        A recent study of diversity in films found that only 30% of the characters were women.  ***  On the other hand, they delivered 90% of the dialog.

3.        Selected cases of Angry Orchard hard cider have been recalled.  ***  They need to re-take the anger management class.

4.        Police in Cedar Rapids, Iowa discovered a meth lab in a Taco Bell restaurant.  ***  The incident has already inspired a new TV series, “Breaking Gas.”

5.        Country singer Blake Shelton’s lawyers are suing Torch magazine for reporting that he had an affair with singer Cady Groves.  ***  The lawyers cited the country music rule of evidence:  If it ain’t in a song, it didn’t happen.

6.        Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz and his wife are donating $25 million to the people of Africa.  ***  Wow, for that much they’ll bring the lion to your door.

7.        The Princeton Review has issued its annual ranking of party schools, and at the top of the list is the University of Illinois.  ***  Bottom of the list:  The U.S. Navy SEAL School.

8.        After the killing of Cecil the lion by a Minnesota dentist, Delta Airlines announced it will no longer transport certain big game trophies.  ***  And American Airlines announced it will no longer transport dentists.

9.        McDonald’s is now test-marketing a “Gourmet Breakfast.”   ***  It’s an Egg McMuffin, hash browns and a white tablecloth.

10.     British environmentalists are complaining that Prince Charles’ trip to see a soccer match required four flights of the royal helicopter.   ***   Buckingham Palace did point out, however, that when Camilla goes somewhere they just strap her to the royal drone.

Friday, July 31, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, July 31, 2015

1.        Federal Trade Commission records show that South Florida has the highest rate of reported identity theft.   ***  Note to seniors:  Just because you can’t remember your name, that doesn’t mean somebody stole it.

2.        In spite of the global outcry, many Zimbabweans are unaware of the killing of their famous lion, Cecil, by a Minnesota dentist.  In fact, some of the people interviewed asked, “What lion?”   ***   But most of them asked, “What’s a dentist?”

3.        Donald Trump just sold his beautifully appointed New York apartment for $21 million.  ***  Proving that if he can’t “Make America great again,” at least he can redecorate it.

4.        According to a list compiled by the World Economic Forum, the most dangerous country in the world to visit is Nigeria.   ***   Darn it, just when I was packing my bags to go pick up my gold bars.

5.        The hunter who killed Cecil, a beloved black-maned lion in Zimbabwe, with a crossbow has been identified as a Minnesota dentist.  ***  Before letting the arrow fly he said, “Now, this might sting a little.”

6.        Bugs Bunny turns 75 years old this week.  ***  These days he always asks two questions:  “What’s up, Doc?” and “Is it covered by Medicare?”

7.        Physicist Stephen Hawking says autonomous weapons may be the greatest threat to mankind.   ***  That statement was very upsetting to Donald Trump, who never likes to come in second.

8.        At a Kroger store in Novi, Michigan, a man walked up the meat counter stark naked.  ***  Of course, as soon as he saw the other customers staring at him he realized he should have taken a number.

9.        There were many protests this weekend as the Satanic Temple unveiled its controversial bronze statue in Detroit.  ***  Detroiters didn’t mind that the sculpture depicted the devil, but they were outraged that he was driving a Toyota.

10.     A banana species called Gros Michel, which was once the world’s primary export variety, has just been declared extinct.  ***  Actually, the U.S. government had already banned it in the interested of public safety because its peels were too slippery.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Friday, July 24, 2015

1.        French farmers have been blocking major highways to protest depressed prices on agricultural products—especially milk—caused by low cost imports.  ***   They’re accusing the Chinese of using underage cows.

2.        A 72 year-old man in Florida was shot and wounded while trying to protect some turtles from a deranged attacker.  ***  Police say he was shot just as he began shouting, “Run!”

3.        In Peru, Indians from the reclusive Mashco Piro tribe have begun venturing out of the forest for food and machetes.  ***  President Obama has sent John Kerry to negotiate a treaty and limit them to sharp objects for peaceful purposes. (Mr. Obama said, “Sure, today they want machetes, but tomorrow it could be uranium enrichment and before you know it…”)

4.        Chrysler has come up with a security fix after finding that hackers could access the electronics on new Jeeps.   ***  “Honest officer, some guy in China downshifted my vehicle and floored the accelerator.”

5.        Hackers of the Ashley Madison website for married people seeking affairs said that the people registered there were “cheating dirtbags.”  ***  Although it’s uncertain whether anyone actually included those words in their profile.

6.        It has just been announced that Miley Cyrus will be hosting the MTV Music Awards.  ***  She’s already thinking about what clothes to not wear.

7.        Actor Theodore Bikel, who starred as Trevye in more than 2,000 stage performances of “Fiddler on the Roof,”  has died at the age of 91.  ***  The viewing will be open to anyone willing to climb a really high ladder.

8.        The TV movie “Sharknado 3” is based on an unbelievable premise.  ***  That people will watch it.

9.        In response to Native Americans walking off the set of his movie, “The Ridiculous Six,” Adam Sandler says there was no intent to mock Indian stereotypes.  ***  But he said he was upset that they disrupted production by dancing and making it rain for two weeks.

10.     Researchers at Northwestern University say that “sensor data” in smart phones can indicate when the user is depressed.  ***  For example, if the sensors detect that the phone has been thrown against a wall.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Friday, July 17, 2015

1.        The medical center where George H.W. Bush was treated for his neck injury has a children’s hospital named after his wife.  ***  So, of course he got preferential treatment: TWO lollipops.

2.        In order to appeal to millennials, La-Z-Boy is remodeling its furniture stores.   ***   And their recliners now feature charging stations, USB ports and integrated selfie cameras.

3.        Authorities believe the blast on a Rhode Island beach that blew a woman five feet into the air might have been due to methane from decaying seaweed  ***  or the two Burrito Supremes that she had for lunch.

4.        Computer code writing company is proud of its diversity efforts and says that now 43% of its employees are female.  ***  The other 57% declined the company’s offer of a free sex change.

5.        A nuclear agreement with Iran has been reached after both sides agreed to some major compromises.   ***  The U.S. will lift billions of dollars in trade sanctions and Iran promised to “Like” our Facebook page.

6.        Tom Cruise is preparing to film “Top Gun 2,” 30 years after the original.   ***   His new fighter jet will be equipped with barrier-free entry, large-text instrumentation and senior-friendly control knobs.

7.        Caitlyn Jenner received the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs.  ***  When told that she would be getting the Ashe award, Caitlyn said, “That’s great, but aren’t my boobs nice, too?”

8.        Mexican drug kingpin Joaquin Guzman escaped from prison through an elaborate mile-long tunnel with lighting, ventilation and motorized dirt removal.  His nickname is “El Chapo.”  ***  Now, don’t confuse him with the prisoner who is still trying to dig his way out with a spoon. That would be “El Cheapo.”

9.        An anonymous benefactor has offered a $1 million reward for a pair of ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in “The Wizard of Oz” which were stolen from a museum ten years ago.  ***  Previously, museum officials had appealed to the thief to return the stolen goods by just clicking the heels together three times. 

10.     Police are investigating a video showing Ariana Grande licking a tray of donuts in a Los Angeles donut shop.   ***  Officers O’Malley and Jackson said they just wanted to make sure she hadn’t touched any of the ones that were glazed, jelly filled or had white icing with all those little sprinkles on top.