Friday, October 24, 2014

Friday, Oct 24, 2014

1.        Toys R Us announced it has taken its controversial Walter White (“Breaking Bad”) action figure, with a gun and a bag of meth, off the shelves.   ***  Too many dissatisfied customers complained that the meth wasn’t real.

2.        In China’s Bapan Village people routinely live more than 100 years, and researchers say it’s partly due to physical activity, since they don’t have access to modern machinery, televisions or computers.  ***  No computers?  What’s the use of living to a hundred if you can’t brag about it on Facebook?

3.        Three teenagers from Denver are suspected of trying to join the terrorist group ISIS.    ***  Actually, they changed their minds after finding out the Middle East has no snowboarding.

4.        At a school in Fort Worth, Texas, 25 students were attacked by bees.   ***   It was quite upsetting for several over-achieving parents who felt their children should have been attacked by A’s.

5.        A sales clerk at a Sears store in New Jersey has been charged with stealing $3.7 million worth of merchandise and selling it.  ***  Sears officials have offered to drop the charges if she tells them how she managed to find so many customers.

6.        Despite his requests to the contrary, Senate candidate Michelle Nunn continues to use former President George H.W. Bush’s picture in her campaign ads, along with a reference to the years she spent heading up his “Points of Light” foundation.  ***  Now it seems she can no longer get the Point nor see the Light.

7.        Doctors have developed a thin ring that can be implanted in the cornea of the eye to eliminate the need for reading glasses.  ***  However, many patients have been disappointed by the procedure because they immediately test their new eyesight by reading the bill.

8.        The real estate website has identified the states with the most immature men based on the percentage of guys with “childish” tendencies, such as playing fantasy football, beer pong and video games.   ***    Coincidentally, those are also the states where guys have the most fun.

9.        While their divorce is pending, Bruce Jenner is dating his wife’s best friend, Ronda Kamihira.   ***   That’s unbelievable…Bruce Jenner is dating a woman?

10.     A Texas lab worker on a Carnival cruise showed some symptoms of Ebola and was held in isolation for the entire voyage, but after the ship reached port she tested negative for the virus.  ***  Sadly, she also tested negative for a sun tan.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Friday, Oct 17, 2014

1.        Police were sent to Justin Bieber’s Florida condo after neighbors complained about the noise from a late night party.  ***  I believe the cops’ first question was, “Are your parents home?”

2.        A Florida mother is demanding that Toys R Us stop selling the Walter White action figure (from “Breaking Bad”) because it’s inappropriate for children.  ***   She’s probably going to get really upset at Baby’s First Meth Lab.

3.        In Boston, a time capsule from 1901 has just been opened.  It contained a book on foreign relations, newspaper articles and business cards from local politicians…***...along with the official price list for various political favors.

4.        With presidential elections two years away, several political experts are suggesting changes to the way we select the vice president.   ***   I believe the proposed method involves the candidates climbing over the White House fence and racing to the front door.

5.        Mark Zuckerberg is donating $25 million to fight Ebola.  ***  It’s actually a business decision.  He realizes there will be serious consequences for Facebook if there’s an outbreak and the virus wipes out large numbers of cats.

6.        Michelle Obama’s latest school lunch guidelines limit kids to one pack of ketchup.  ***  That’s terrible.  How are they supposed to bring enough home so mom can fill up the ketchup bottle?

7.        The fiancĂ© of Oregon’s governor admitted to previously marrying an immigrant so he could obtain US residency, for which she was paid $5,000.  ***   Of course, her upcoming marriage to the governor is much different:  A lot more money.

8.        North Korean president Kim Jong Un disappeared from public view for the past month.   ***  Which is pretty much what we all want to do after a bad haircut.

9.        Vladimir Putin has ordered Russian troops to back away from the Ukraine border.  ***  In a brilliant move, Ukraine manned the checkpoints with soldiers from West Africa.

10.     After last week’s visit of a high ranking North Korean official to South Korea, there has been speculation that the two countries could become trading partners.  ***  In fact, they’ve already started exchanging gunfire.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Friday, Oct 10, 2014

1.        Because of Ebola virus fears, an NBC survey says that 58% of Americans want to halt all flights from West African countries.  ***  The other 42% are still expecting gold bars from Nigeria.

2.        A US Airways flight departing Austin, Texas was delayed for two hours because of a swarm of bees in the boarding jetway.   ***   An airline spokesman said this was quite unusual, and normally passengers are just stung by the high air fares.

3.        Although 94% of cars sold in the U.S. are automatics, there are signs that manual transmissions might be making a small comeback.  ***  However, driver training is a little more difficult because you have to learn to text left-handed and steer with your knees.

4.        Wal-Mart is now selling health insurance. ***   Wouldn’t it be better if they just made their stores a little more sanitary?

5.        Descendants of the woman whose image was used as “Aunt Jemima” by Quaker Oats are suing the company for $2 billion in unpaid royalties.  ***   They are also preparing a second lawsuit for royalties due to Jemima’s husband, Uncle Ben. 

6.        The Seattle city council is honoring Indians by replacing Columbus Day with Indigenous Peoples’ Day.  ***  Now, don’t confuse that with Los Angeles, which is replacing Columbus Day with Ingenuous Peoples’ Day.

7.        General Motors is recalling nearly 100,000 Chevrolet Sparks because the hood can fly open while driving.  ***  A company spokesman said the malfunction is extremely serious and could result in a severe reduction in fuel economy.

8.        A company called Silentium is developing a noise cancellation device for airplane seats that will eliminate the sounds of crying babies, noisy passengers and chatty flight attendants.   ***   It’s more convenient than waiting for your Taser to recharge.

9.        A 19 year old teen who wanted to join ISIS was arrested at O’Hare airport as he attempted to board a plane headed for the Middle East.  ***  Just one more guy who fell for that old trick where the gate attendant announces priority boarding for terrorists.

10.     Hwang Pyong So, the top political officer in North Korea, recently traveled to South Korea for talks.  ***  He said he enjoyed visiting so many beautiful targets…uh, cities.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Friday, Oct 3, 2014

1.        Teresa Giudice, the star of “Real Housewives,” was found guilty of fraud and has been sentenced to 15 months in prison, while her husband, Joe, was sentenced to 41 months in prison…  ***   …where he will be somebody’s Pretend Housewife. 

2.        In Bentonville, Arkansas, Wal-Mart is testing a drive-thru concept where customers can order groceries online and then pick them up without actually going into the store.  ***   You know, for Wal-Mart shoppers who don’t want to get all dressed up. 

3.        Two weeks after an intruder ran through the front door of the White House, the head of the Secret Service has resigned.  ***   She had previously expected to stay in that position for a few more years; she thought she had a lock on it.

4.        It was just revealed that the Secret Service had recently allowed President Obama to get on an elevator in Atlanta, Georgia with a civilian security contractor who was carrying a gun and had three criminal convictions.  ***  The head of the agency admitted the lapse in security, but proudly pointed out that just last week they had prevented the President from riding an elevator with a man who had uncontrollable flatulence.

5.        This week Mexican soldiers captured the drug cartel leader known as “El H.” They found him in a small town that attracts tourists and retirees.  ***  It took a lot of patience to track him down, but the authorities knew that sooner or later he’d get roped into one of those timeshare tours.

6.        California has become the first state to ban plastic bags.  ***   However, it will probably be the last state to ban plastic surgery.

7.        As “Gone with the Wind” approaches its 75th anniversary, Warner Bros. studio—distributor of a special DVD box set—says the movie’s portrayal of slavery is dated and inaccurate.  ***  A company spokesman also admitted that it’s virtually impossible to make a good looking dress out of draperies.

8.        Anita Baker’s lawyer is suing the singer for $150,000 for failure to pay for services such as helping get her home repaired and parking cars in front of her mansion to make it look like she was home.  ***  In response, Ms. Baker has offered to park a new Rolls Royce in front of the lawyer’s house for a few days to make it look like he was paid.

9.        A Texas jury has sentenced a medical researcher to 10 years in prison for trying to poison her lover by serving him coffee laced with anti-freeze.  ***  Actually, he should have known something was up when she referred to the drink as a “Prestone latte.”

10.     Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi was denied a U.S. visa ten years ago, but he has now been invited to meet with President Obama at the White House.  ***  Actually, he was told, “OK, if you can make it from the fence to the front door…”

Friday, September 26, 2014

Friday, Sept 26, 2014

1.        The U.S. government has agreed to pay $554 million to the Navajo nation for mismanaging the tribe’s resources.  ***  The government had originally argued against the settlement and pointed out that it mismanages everybody’s resources.

2.        A Chicago church received $1.6 million from a real estate deal, and decided to give 10% of it to the congregation, which it called a form of “tithing.”  ***  Cash given to members of a congregation is usually called “hush money.”

3.        Justin Bieber is making a film with David Hasselhoff, and Justin will be the voice of KITT, the car from “Knight Rider.”  ***  This is expected to be the first time that the driver is sober and the car is drunk.

4.        Eleven tribes from the U.S. and Canada have signed an agreement that will allow buffalo herds to roam freely across both countries so the Indians can connect with them spiritually, ceremonially and culturally.  ***  The only thing that would be allowed to interfere with the buffalo would be construction of a casino.

5.        New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has reportedly lost 85 pounds, largely through the help of last year’s lap-band surgery.   ***  That’s the medical equivalent of lane closures.

6.        General Motors has just announced that the 2015 Cadillacs will be built at the Hamtramck plant, near downtown Detroit.  ***  Great--Now they can be carjacked right off the assembly line.

7.        President Obama created a huge controversy when he was photographed getting off the presidential helicopter and saluting the Marines with a coffee cup in his hand.  ***  The debate is still raging on:  Was the cup half empty or half full?

8.        After being severely criticized for allowing a man to scale the fence and run into the White House, the Secret Service has put strict new security procedures in place.  ***  From now on, anyone planning to break into the White House will be required to register in advance.

9.        According to a study by The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Americans’ waistlines are growing at an alarming rate. ***  Which is great news for the Belt-of-the-Month Club.

10.     In Biloxi, Mississippi, owners of the Margaritaville casino have filed for bankruptcy.   ***   According to the filing, assets include100 slot machines, numerous gaming tables and two tons of salt.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Friday, Sept 19, 2014

1.        The unique farmhouse featured in the background of the famous painting “American Gothic” is for sale.  ***  No homebuyers yet, but there have been ten offers on the pitchfork.

2.        Officials in Monroe County, Michigan have charged Hayley Turner for filing a false police report when she claimed to have been kidnapped last August on her way home from a video store.  ***  Police became suspicious when they suddenly realized that nobody goes to a video store anymore.

3.        Joe Biden’s trip to Des Moines, Iowa for a Democratic fund raising event has fueled speculation about his political plans for 2016.  ***  Des Moines city council?

4.        According to a survey by, drivers in Idaho are the rudest in the nation, but they are also among the safest.  ***  For example, in driver training they’re taught how to flip the bird while keeping two hands firmly on the wheel.

5.        LeBron James has unveiled his new Nike sneaker, the “LeBron 12.”  He says that it offers exceptional “stability and comfort.”   ***   Kind of like a really good NBA contract.

6.        Nik Wallenda, the daredevil who walked a tightrope across the Grand Canyon last year, has just announced that in November he will walk a tightrope stretched between two buildings in downtown Chicago.  ***  Actually, with Chicago’s crime rate, it’s more dangerous to walk from one building to another using the sidewalk.

7.        According to a study by, Detroit is the most expensive city in which to insure a vehicle.  ***  On the positive side, the coverage is automatically transferred to whoever steals the car.

8.        Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford has broken up with his Argentine fiancĂ©e and former mistress.  ***  She knew it was over when he really did go hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

9.        In Troy, Michigan, a 45 year old man was arrested for flashing drivers on a busy avenue while wearing a hot pink shirt and a purple thong.  ***  He was charged with displaying an offensive color combination.

10.     North Korea charged a 24 year old American with espionage and sentenced him to six years of hard labor.  ***  The U.S. government has issued a strong protest, saying that since the accused is a Millennial, hard labor is a cruel and unusual punishment.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Friday, Sept 12, 2014

1.     McDonald’s has submitted paperwork to trademark “McBrunch.”  ***  The company has already trademarked McMuffin, McChicken and McHeartAttack.

2.     Nike is designing an airplane that would help athletes maintain their performance level when flying to “away” games.  It includes a massage area, lie-flat seats   ***   and a special cabin for steroid injections.

3.     Detroit is installing upgraded electronic parking meters that have longer lasting batteries, can be paid through a smartphone app  ***  and give you a refund for the unused time after your car is stolen.

4.     Nevada’s governor has declared a state of emergency because of extreme flooding.  ***  It’s so bad the only people playing the submerged slot machines are seniors with oxygen tanks.

5.     A New Jersey newspaper is investigating why that state’s three largest cities are having the biggest increases in crime.  ***  Because they have the most politicians?

6.     Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling his 5-ton Mercedes Unimog for $275,000.  ***  When someone asked him, “Made in Germany?” he said “No, the maid is still in California.”

7.     The Smithsonian is restoring a famous full-length painting of George Washington wearing black velvet.  ***  These days our heroes are painted ON black velvet.

8.     The Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Los Angeles caught on fire.  *** Observers reported that it went up in flames…down in flames…up in flames…

9.     A hacker recently breached the Obamacare website.  ***  This is a serious offense, because the program’s Open Hacking period doesn’t start until November 15th.

10.  A nine year old pajama-clad Canadian boy in Saskatchewan stole a city bus and drove it for three blocks.  ***  Police became suspicious when the bus started arriving at stops on schedule.