Friday, November 17, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 17, 2017

1.   In a recent survey, several celebrity chefs said that sweet potato casserole lacks substance, has no redeeming qualities and should never be included in a Thanksgiving dinner.   ***    I believe they said the same thing about in-laws.

2.   President Trump said that during a break between meetings in the Philippines he was “forced to watch CNN.”  ***  But he assured his supporters that he put his hands over his eyes and just peeked through his fingers.

3.   Charles Manson has been transferred from prison to a Bakersfield hospital and is reportedly near death.  ***  After a series of tests, doctors there concluded that he’s suffering from a terminal case of helter-skelter.

4.   After backlash from Keurig’s decision to pull its advertising from Sean Hannity’s show, the coffee machine company’s CEO said it was not their intention to “take sides” and escalate that emotionally charged issue.  ***   He said the situation could be resolved if everyone would just calm down, take a deep breath and switch to decaf. 

5.   Starbucks chairman Howard Shultz is denying rumors that he’s thinking of running for president.   ***   He said it’s just a coincidence that Starbucks’ newest drinks are the Oval Office Latte, West Wing Mocha and Rose Garden Macchiato.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1977 – In the Miss World Contest, Miss UK wears a bikini made out of platinum and worth $9,500.  ***  But, she was upstaged by another contestant who wore a platinum bikini only worth half as much.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1963 – The touch-tone telephone is introduced.  ***  It immediately doubled sales on the Home Shopping Network.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1763 – Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon begin surveying between Pennsylvania and Maryland to establish the Mason-Dixon Line.  ***   Or, as it was first known, the Chuck & Jerry Line.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1960 – Ray Charles' "Georgia On My Mind" reaches #1.   ***  In his senior years he recorded a second version, “Georgia Slipped My Mind.”

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 13, 1851 – The first settlers land at Alki Point, which would later become Seattle, Washington. ***  One of the settlers, a Mr. Starbuck, immediately brews a pot of coffee to celebrate and writes everyone’s name on their cup.

Friday, November 10, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 10, 2017

1.   Speaking in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Francis said, “It makes me very sad when I say Mass and I see so many cell phones in the air.”  ***  And he said he really gets ticked off when someone interrupts his homily to ask for the Wi-Fi password.

2.   NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly furious over proposed changes to his next contract.  ***  In fact, when negotiations start he plans to show his displeasure by taking a knee.

3.   There are reports that Walt Disney Company is going to buy 21st Century Fox.  *** They plan to change the name to 21st Century Mouse.

4.   President Trump broke with the tradition of his predecessors and did not bow when he met Japan’s 83 year old emperor.  ***  A White House spokesman explained that Mr. Trump only bows for ice cream, professional golfers and the NRA.

5.   Blac Chyna apparently has herself a new boyfriend, rapper Playboi Carti.   ***   Ah, true love—there’s nothing like a relationship based on a shared inability to spell.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1954 – John Stapp travels 632 mph in a rocket sled.  ***  He really flew by all the other little kids on the slope.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 9, 1865General Robert E. Lee surrenders to General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox.  ***   Grant refused Lee’s request that they make it best two out of three.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1789 – In Bourbon, Kentucky, Elijah Craig makes the first batch of bourbon whiskey, distilled from corn.  ***   Unfortunately, his mother said that didn’t count as “eating your vegetables.”

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1933 – Pennsylvania voters overturn the blue laws and permit Sunday sports.  ***   Although it was just on a trial basis to see if they’d be struck down by lightning.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 6, 1918 – The Republic of Poland is proclaimed.  ***  So, how many…oh, never mind.

Friday, November 3, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 3, 2017

1.   Delta plans to hire 1,000 new flight attendants.  ***  Candidates will be tested on their ability to always remain friendly, take charge in emergency situations and yank passengers out of overbooked seats.

2.   Frustrated by differences in their travel schedules, Selena Gomez has broken up with Abel Tesfaye, the singer and songwriter known as “The Weekend.”   ***   Mr. Tesfaye was stunned, and claimed he was always there for Selena, 24/2.

3.   Former president George H.W. Bush has apologized for touching women on their backsides and joking, “I’m David Cop-a-feel.”   ***  Well, I guess that would finally explain that embarrassing international incident in Buckingham Palace.

4.   Michael Moore’s play, “The Terms of my Surrender,” has closed on Broadway, but Mr. Moore said producing it was “the most artistically gratifying experience of my life.”  ***  He said he especially liked the unlimited access to the snack bar.

5.   A recent article on gives 9 signs that your relationship is in trouble.  ***  Sign #1:  Your partner is reading the same article.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1917 – First class mail postage is raised to 3 cents.  ***   Some people will point out that 3 cents was a lot of money back in those days.  Actually, that’s not true.  3 cents was never a lot of money.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 2, 1972 – Government of the Republic of Ireland introduces a bill to remove the special position of the Catholic Church from the Irish Constitution.  ***  In a shocking move, the legislature declared that any religious group can hold a bingo night.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1915 – Parris Island is officially designated a Marine Corps recruit depot.  ***   Clueless recruits prepared for their trip to Parris Island by learning French.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1964 – Barbra Streisand's "People" album goes #1 for 5 weeks.  ***  However, sales dropped off significantly when a scientific study showed that people who need people aren’t really the luckiest people in the world.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 30, 1954 – Pro basketball begins using the 24-second shot clock. ***  If a player doesn’t shoot within 24 seconds, a loud buzzer sounds to wake up the fans.

Friday, October 27, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 27, 2017

1.   A Long Island woman and her two adult children have been arrested and accused of seven robberies, including two Family Dollar stores and a Dollar Tree.   ***   Bail was set at $1 each or three for $2.

2.   CNN is launching its new tag line, “Facts First,” with an ad showing an apple and a narrator saying some people claim it’s a banana.  ***  Then Anthony Weiner comes on and says, “You want a banana?  I’ll show you a banana…”

3.   Haribo, a German candy company, has promised an internal investigation after a TV documentary revealed abusive labor practices.  ***    In one unbelievable example, a black & white video clip showed two frantic women struggling to keep up with all the chocolates coming down a speeding conveyor belt.  

4.   Blac Chyna is suing the Kardashians for defamation of character, and her lawyer, Lisa Bloom, accused the famous family of “slut-shaming.”  ***  Ms. Bloom went on to vigorously defend her client, pointing out that Chyna is proud to be a slut.

5.   Despite not having any serious injuries, a skateboarder is planning to sue Dr. Phil after being hit by his Mercedes.  ***  In fact, the victim has already submitted a five-page deposition describing how it made him feel.

6.   On this date in history:  Oct 27, 1925 – Water skis are patented by Fred Waller.  ***  Previously, people just tied themselves to a rope and had a boat drag them around the lake.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 26, 1861 – The Pony Express ends.   ***   The horses refused to face another season of carrying all those Christmas presents (and having reindeer get all the credit).

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 25, 1521 – Emperor Charles V bans wooden buildings in Amsterdam  ***  Fathers grumble as they try to build kids’ tree houses with bricks.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 24, 1938 – Congress passes a law prohibiting child labor in factories.   ***   Lawmakers said young children should be allowed to go where they belong --  working in the fields.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 23, 1941 – Disney releases the feature cartoon "Dumbo."  ***  I believe it was the studio’s first installment in its “Animals that Shouldn’t Fly” series.

Friday, October 20, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 20, 2017

1.   Researchers have found that the Big Thunder roller coaster at Disney World is so jarring it can help men pass kidney stones.  ***  And it’s so scary it makes all the other riders sound like it.

2.   In an interview with GQ magazine, LeBron James revealed that he told his three children if they are ever stopped by the police they should always be respectful, put their cell phones on speaker…  *** … and offer the cops a couple of front-row tickets to the next Cavs game.

3.   Boy Scouts of America plans to begin recruiting girls into some of its scouting programs.   ***   The men in charge claim they understand the unique needs of girls and will offer special programs such as Hiking in Heels, Cosmetics for Camping and Fashions for the Forest.

4.   Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently spotted taking his girlfriend, Heather Milligan, out for ice cream.  ***  Actually, Heather doesn’t really like ice cream, but she just loves the way Arnold says “Haagan-Dazs.”

5.   Sadly, the California wildfires have destroyed the home of “Peanuts” creator Charles Schultz.  ***  The house was identified by the only visible remains--a blanket, a football and a sign offering psychiatric advice for a nickel.

6.   On this date in history:  Oct 20, 1910 – The cork-centered baseball is first used in the World Series.   ***   The cork-center design became the new standard for baseballs, although it never caught on with the NBA.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 19, 1971 – "Look" magazine publishes its last issue.  ***  Apparently, people had stopped looking.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 18, 1890 – John Owen is the first man to run the 100 yard dash in under 10 seconds. ***  It happened when he was caught in bed by a jealous husband.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 17, 1957 – Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip visit the White House.  ***  When they asked to see the throne they were told, “Down the hall, on your left.”

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 16, 1925 – The Texas School Board prohibits teaching of evolution.  ***  There was widespread fear that such instruction would only encourage the human race to evolve further.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 13, 2017

1.   Kellogg’s has just bought RXBAR, a company that makes protein bars, in an effort to expand into health foods and capture the millennial market.  *** In fact, protein bars are an especially good food choice for Millennials whose parents don’t have a refrigerator in the basement.

2.   Scientists are warning that climate change may be promoting the growth of red algae in colder climates, eventually making all the glaciers pink.  ***   To take advantage of this unique opportunity, Mary Kay is planning to sponsor the next Ice Age.

3.   Kim Jung Un has appointed his 30 year old sister, Kim Yo Jong, to a high level position in the North Korean government.  ***  Political experts were shocked--usually when young women get powerful positions in government they have a lot of relevant credentials, like a successful fashion business.

4.   According to a recent online article, heavy sweating could be a sign of a serious problem.  ***  For example, if you’re a millennial, it could be an indication that you somehow ended up with a job that involves working.

5.   Jeremy Meeks, the blue-eyed guy with the eye-catching mug shot, has filed for divorce.  ***  He started reading the bible, and decided he doesn’t want to share things when he inherits the earth.

6.   Yesterday, British authorities arrested a woman who was trying to scale the gate at Buckingham Palace.  ***   A police spokesman said they hadn’t seen anything like that since the last clearance sale at Harrods.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 12, 1933 – A sentence of life imprisonment is handed down to gangster George Francis Barnes, a.k.a. Machine Gun Kelly.  ***   Actually, his life of crime started in grade school, where he was known as BB-Gun Kelly.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 11, 1991 – Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart is seen soliciting a prostitute.  ***  After intense negotiations, she agreed to provide an entire night of services in exchange for eternal salvation.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 10, 1865 – John Hyatt patents the modern billiard ball.  *** Ah, so he’s the guy who was behind the 8 ball.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 9, 1973 – Elvis and Priscilla Presley divorce.  ***  Fortunately, by that time Elvis was on the rewards program at Heartbreak Hotel.

Friday, October 6, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 6, 2017

1.   Archeologists in Turkey believe they have found the tomb of St. Nicholas, the 4th century monk who inspired the legend of Santa Claus.  ***   They haven’t actually made a positive identification yet, but they say the tomb definitely includes the remains of at least a dozen small elves.

2.   The 69 year old mother of Tesla’s Elon Musk has just become the oldest “face” of Cover Girl cosmetics and publications.  ***   “Hey Mr. Mailman, my magazine cover is all wrink…oh…never mind.” 

3.   Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a photo of his “love child,” Joseph Baena, on Instagram and wished him a happy 20th birthday, along with the comment, “You get stronger and smarter every year and I’m so proud of you.”  ***  Then he added, “But I wish you’d get over that compulsion to always dust the furniture.”

4.   Three U.S. scientists have won the Nobel Prize for Medicine for their research and insights into our body’s “biological clock.”   ***   Upon hearing the news they were very grateful and said the award would be most appreciated if it could be given to them between 2:45 and 3:00 in the afternoon.    

5.   The leader of the violent MS-13 gang told members to stop wearing their trademark Nike Cortez shoes because it identifies them to the police.  ***  And because Nike is dragging its feet on negotiating the new contract.

6.   On this date in history:  Oct 6, 1961 – President Kennedy advises all Americans to build a fallout shelter and stock it with food.  *** He also suggested guys add a beer fridge and a big TV to make it a really cool man cave.   

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 5, 1911 – Italian troops begin the occupation of Tripoli.  ***  The U.S. Marines were a little late in joining them, since they were still tied up at the Halls of Montezuma.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 4, 1537 – The first complete English-language Bible (the Matthew Bible) is printed, with translations by William Tyndale and Miles Coverdale.   ***  However, Bill and Miles took a few liberties with their translation and trimmed it down to only 5 commandments.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 3, 1945 – Elvis Presley performs in public for the first time at the age of 10.   ***  He didn’t sing—he just stood on the stage and swiveled his hips.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 2, 1656 – The North American colony of Connecticut passes laws against the Quakers.  ***  But they were allowed to continue selling their oats.