Friday, August 29, 2014

Friday, Aug 29, 2014

1.        A startup company has developed a wearable airbag for elderly people. It inflates to protect their hip bones if they fall down.  ***  Unfortunately, it then takes them two or three minutes to stop bouncing.

2.        The Islamic terrorist group ISIS claims it is burning massive marijuana fields in Syria.  ***  It’s not because of their anti-drug beliefs--They just figure it’s an easy way to get everybody downwind to mellow out and surrender.

3.        The Ralph Lauren company has developed a polo shirt with integrated wires and electronics that can send a Bluetooth signal giving the wearer’s pulse, breathing rate and other parameters.  ***  But most importantly, it will alert the wearer at the precise moment when the shirt goes out of style.

4.        Joan Rivers is in stable condition after she stopped breathing during throat surgery.  ***  Doctors immediately knew something was wrong--not because she stopped breathing, but because she stopped talking.

5.        According to a 22 year-long study by Georgia Southern University, parents of obese children are becoming less likely to recognize that their kids are overweight.  ***  Obamacare is responding to this disturbing trend by reaching out to the parents and offering free eyeglasses.

6.        A United Airlines flight to Denver was forced to land in Chicago after a fight broke out when one passenger prevented the woman in front of him from reclining her seat by using a special device called a “Knee Defender.”   ***  Most people know the device by its other name: Taser.

7.        Owners of two Taco Bell restaurants in Manhattan are accused of counterfeiting after giving customers fake $20 bills in change.  ***  And in a second charge of counterfeiting, they are also accused of trying to pass off their food as Mexican.

8.        In order to attract more business travelers, United Airlines says it’s going to begin offering hot meals.  ***   They’re going to heat up the peanuts.

9.        A 78 year old woman in Germantown, Pennsylvania shot and wounded her 45 year old son.  ***  So, after 45 years she’s still trying to get him to eat his vegetables.

10.     The Government Accountability Office says the swap of five Taliban prisoners for Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl was illegal.  ***  So, pack your bags, Bowe, you’re going back.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Friday, Aug 22, 2014

1.        An elderly Milwaukee woman called 9-1-1 when she thought she was having a heart attack, but she wasn’t, so EMS charged her $315.  ***  Fortunately, the story has a happy ending:  When she saw the charges she really did have a heart attack and got a refund.

2.        According to a study published in the journal “Nature,” Neanderthals and humans coexisted for 5,000 years, giving them plenty of opportunity to meet, mix and mate.  ***  Of course, to meet humans the Neanderthals had to be fairly creative in their profiles.

3.        According to a study published in the medical journal “Brain,” older people sleep less because they lose brain neurons that control sleep patterns.  ***   To be specific, they lose neurons that control nighttime sleep.  The neurons that control afternoon naps are still going strong.

4.        Casey Kasem’s wife plans to have him buried in Oslo, Norway.  ***  He once said it would be a cold day in hell before he’d be buried next to that overbearing woman, and she figured Oslo was close enough.

5.        Kid Rock is about to become a grandfather.  ***  And he’ll be changing his name to Kid Rocking Chair.

6.        A Harvard researcher claims “there is no limit to the human lifespan” and reaching 150 years old is very possible.  ***  In fact, he believes that someday people might even live long enough to pay off their student loans.

7.        In Altadena, California an 85 year-old man accidentally drove his car into a swimming pool when his footwear got entangled with the pedals.  ***  So, maybe it was a good thing he was wearing flippers.

8.        As part of the Ice Bucket Challenge, Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander dumped ice water on girlfriend Kate Upton.  ***  Actually, that’s just the Alaskan version of the wet T-shirt contest.

9.        A new Gallup poll shows that millennials are starting to show interest in spending money on housing, utilities and other necessities.  ***  In other words, they’re finally getting kicked out of their parents’ basement.

10.     According to a University of Oregon study, early morning is when elderly people are best able to carry out complex tasks and avoid distractions.  ***  The rest of the day they are better at carrying out distractions and avoiding complex tasks.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Friday, Aug 15, 2014

1.        People in Melbourne, Australia were shocked when a hospital faxed 200 notices regarding patients who had been discharged, but a clerical error had replaced the word “discharged” with “dead.”  ***  Actually, the notices weren’t wrong—just early.

2.        A study published in the Journal of Nutrition says that eating a lot of ramen noodles may increase the risk of cardiovascular disease or stroke. ***  Which is unfortunate, since people on a diet of ramen noodles probably can’t afford the hospital bills.

3.        Lindsay Lohan is preparing for her stage debut in a London play, but in a newspaper interview she confessed that she is nervous and afraid she’ll “mess up” opening night.  ***  Like getting arrested in the morning.

4.        Russia has given permission for NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden to stay there for an additional three years.  ***  I believe this is a humanitarian gesture.  Based on a recent photograph, it looks like it will take that long for his beard to grow out.

5.        After being charged with driving under the influence, Justin Bieber has pleaded guilty to a lesser offense of careless driving, and has agreed to take an anger management class.  ***  Actually, in his case it’s a temper tantrum management class.  (It’s like anger management, but they color pictures, take naps and have recess.)

6.        Harley-Davidson is recalling 3,000 motorcycles because excess vibration can cause the ignition switch to turn off.  ***  To ensure all Harley owners are effectively notified, a corrective action bulletin is now available in the form of a tattoo.

7.        An article on says that men should watch for certain “red flags” when dating a divorced woman.  ***  For example, if her ex has been murdered and she’s out on bail.

8.        Taylor Swift reportedly wore a racy outfit to the Teen Choice Awards, shedding her “girl-next-door” look.  ***  Her new look is “girl-you-wish-was-next-door.”

9.        According to an article in the journal “Neurology,” people who don’t get enough vitamin D have a higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s.  ***  In other words, if you don’t remember to take your vitamin D today, then chances are you won’t remember to take it tomorrow.

10.     A truck crashed near Lansing, Michigan and dumped 25 tons of human waste on the highway.  ***   Wow—and we thought Michigan roads were …uh…crappy before.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Friday, Aug 8, 2014

1.        “CBS This Morning” recently interviewed 85 year old Haruo Nakajima, who played Godzilla in the 1954 movie and several sequels.   ***  Of course, these days Mr. Nakajima is a bit slower and a bit shorter--now he’s only 90 feet tall.

2.        Many tour agencies in Russia have recently gone bankrupt.  ***  Russians who want to visit other countries and don’t mind a cool reception are advised to join the army (and ask for the special “invasion” package).

3.        Donald Trump has filed a lawsuit to remove his name from casinos that he no longer owns.  ***  Really?  There are casinos named “idiot”?

4.        Kim Kardashian admits she still has 20 pounds of extra weight from her recent pregnancy and that her “hips and butt are huge.”  She says she’s having trouble shaking the extra weight.  ***  But when she does shake it, it really jiggles.

5.        A Russian gang of Internet hackers has stolen over one billion passwords.  ***  Wow—that’s a lot of pet names.

6.        The man who recently took a video of NYC cops giving a fatal choke hold has been arrested on a weapons violation charge.  ***  I believe he’s accused of carrying an unregistered assault camera.

7.        People in Seoul, Korea are concerned about sink holes in the vicinity of a new 123-story skyscraper that is expected to be the 6th tallest building the world.   ***  Wait a minute…7th tallest…8th tallest…9th tallest… (Actually, it’s now expected be a two-story office building with a 121-story basement.)

8.        Hollywood make-up artist Dick Smith has died at age 92.  He was best known for his work on the 1973 film “The Exorcist,” in which he transformed Linda Blair into a demon.  ***  Of course, today most young actresses become demons all by themselves.

9.        Harley-Davidson is recalling 3,000 motorcycles because excess vibration can cause the ignition switch to turn off.  ***  This is a serious problem because it could suddenly interrupt a Harley rider when he’s right in the middle of trying to wake up the entire neighborhood.

10.     A scientific study has identified 9 reasons to eat chocolate every day.  ***  Actually, there’s just one reason:  It tastes good.  The other 8 are only excuses.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Friday, Aug 1, 2014

1.        Republican congressmen are having difficulty finalizing border control legislation before they leave Washington for a five-week summer break.  ***  They’re afraid that if the law is too restrictive, they might leave the country for vacation and not be able to get back in.

2.        The CIA has apologized for spying on Senate computers.  ***  However, the agency assured the lawmakers that all pornography, fantasy baseball records and romantic e-mails with staffers were left intact.

3.        According to the Washington Post, Massachusetts is the most cat-friendly state and has the highest ratio of cats to dogs. ***  Meanwhile, a related study found that residents of Massachusetts also spend the most time on Facebook.

4.        In a recent speech, Turkey’s Deputy Prime Minister said it is immoral for women to laugh in public.  ***  In order to identify offenders, he has ordered the vice squad to hit the street and tell jokes.

5.        North Korea is now threatening a nuclear attack on the White House.  ***  Or, even worse, they may send Dennis Rodman.

6.        Red Lobster is trying to upgrade its image by dropping some promotional discounts, adding new menu items,  ***  and telling the lobsters in the tank, “Welcome to SeaWorld!”

7.        Many cat owners in Vietnam are losing their pets because people there have developed a taste for feline meat as a snack.  ***  That’s terrible!  Now what are they going to post on Facebook?

8.        A freighter carrying 22,000 tons of wheat ran aground in the Detroit River.  ***  Diet-conscious people living downstream are now living in fear of a huge torrent of gluten.

9.        A Boy Scout returning from Canada tried to retrieve a bag during customs inspection and was held at gunpoint by a TSA agent.  ***  This was actually good news, because being held at gunpoint at a border crossing is one of the requirements for the Immigration merit badge.

10.     Former WWE champion wrestler Daniel Bryan caught and detained a burglar who was running from his home.  ***  It wasn’t easy.  Before chasing the guy he had to put on his Speedo and talk trash over a PA system.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday, July 25, 2014

1.        There is growing concern in China after a report that McDonald’s hamburgers were made with expired beef.  ***  People over there were shocked and said, “Really? They use beef?”

2.        In Collinsville, Illinois, a promotional 170-foot tall ketchup bottle is for sale for $200,000.   ***  Unfortunately, people with that kind of money generally prefer Grey Poupon.

3.        Russian legislators are considering funding the annexation of Crimea by almost tripling the income tax for its richest citizens, or about 2% of the population.  ***  Gee, Russia must be doing well—their “1%” is twice as big as ours.

4.        A recent study shows that British soldiers have gotten significantly taller over the past 100 years.  ***  Which is bad because that makes it harder to duck.

5.        Toyota says that in its new minivan there’s a way for parents talk to their young children without turning around.  ***  Actually, we had that when I was a kid. I believe it’s called “Yelling.”

6.        There is growing concern in China after a report that a supplier there sold expired beef to McDonald’s.  ***  Investigators first became suspicious when McDonald’s changed the name of its iconic hamburger from “Big Mac” to “Old Mac.”

7.        With an income of $75 million, Robert Downey Jr. was the top paid actor last year, even though he didn’t do any work, thanks to arrangements for compensation after his movies hit the screen.  The second biggest earner was Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  ***  However, if you just look at top incomes among people who did no work last year, then Congress came in second.   

8.        The FDA is warning people about the dangers of pure caffeine, pointing out that one teaspoon of the powder is equivalent to 25 cups of coffee. ***   Of course, the reason most people don’t take their caffeine in powdered form is that it’s tough to put cute little sayings like “#1 Boss” on the side of a teaspoon.

9.        Sandra Bullock will star in “Tupperware Unsealed,” a movie about Brownie Wise, the woman who popularized Tupperware parties.  ***  Since it’s been four years since Ms. Bullock adopted a baby boy, this will finally give her another opportunity to burp something.

10.     Casey Kasem’s body is missing, and there is evidence that his wife stole it from the funeral home to prevent an autopsy.  ***  That might not be the most gruesome thing I ever heard, but it’s definitely in the Top 40.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Friday, July 18, 2014

1.        After millions of people heard a recording of a Comcast representative refusing to honor a customer’s request to have service discontinued, the company issued a formal statement.  ***   Comcast explained that instead of cutting off service completely, it prefers to provide frequent, temporary loss of service at random times throughout the day.

2.        In Washington D.C., several congressmen are considering legislation that would improve compensation and work schedules for part time workers…  ***  such as congressmen.

3.        The FBI has warned that autonomous, self-driving cars could be used for criminal purposes.  For example, a fleeing criminal could fire at police while the car drives itself.  ***  Of course, the chase would be brief because the self-driving police car would be programmed to pull into the next donut shop.

4.        Mourners in the Philippines were absolutely stunned when a 3 year old girl woke up at her own funeral.  ***  It was like the reaction we would have here in the U.S. if suddenly Congress actually did something.

5.        According to a study in the medical journal “Pediatrics,” electronic devices such as a laptop computer may be the cause of a painful skin rash.   ***  Especially if you use it to meet a woman on Craigslist.

6.        In a controversial move, a library in Singapore has pulled a children’s book about gay penguins.  The author says he wrote the story as an example of alternate life styles.   ***   But I think he went too far when he claimed that “March of the Penquins” was really a gay pride parade.

7.        Officials closed part of I-75 near Detroit after a truck dropped its load of rocks all over the road.  *** However, the highway was immediately re-opened once they realized it was just Governor Snyder’s low-cost approach to filling all the potholes.

8.        Officials are considering abuse charges against the parents of a 12 year old Detroit boy who was reported missing and then eventually found in the family’s basement.  ***  The couple would be charged under a new federal law that makes it illegal to keep anyone in Detroit against their will.

9.        Steven Spielberg posed like a hunter with a movie prop of a dead dinosaur, and many people seeing the photo thought he really shot it.   ***   Of course, that’s ridiculous.  The last person to actually shoot a real dinosaur was Larry King.

10.     Keith Mularski, the FBI’s top expert in cybercrime, was just selling discount furniture before he joined the bureau in 1998.  He is reportedly very successful in infiltrating criminal organizations online and befriending key leaders.  ***  He wins them over by giving them a three-piece genuine leather living room set plus a coffee table, two end tables and a flat screen TV.