Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday, Mar 27, 2015

1.        With his recent weight gain and strange behavior, Robert Kardashian is not enjoying fame and good fortune like his sisters and mother.  ***  Yes, it’s sad when even a Kardashian can’t keep up with the Kardashians.

2.        Researchers at MIT and Harvard have found that although older people are more knowledgeable, people in their early 20’s can process information more quickly.  ***  In other words, younger folks can make bad decisions really fast.

3.        Actress Eva Mendes says women wearing sweatpants is the number one cause of divorce.  ***  And men wearing sweatpants is the number one result of alimony.

4.        First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on “Jeopardy” to promote her favorite cause, “Let’s Move.”  ***  And, in less than two years, she will.

5.        In an interview with The Huffington Post, David Hasselhoff revealed that his closet holds several sacks of chunks of the Berlin Wall. ***  They’re sitting right next to his collection of buckets of seawater from Baywatch.

6.        Ted Cruz used Twitter to announce that he’s running for president, and many more candidates are expected to follow.  ***  The difference between Twitter and the presidential race is that Twitter is limited to 140 characters.

7.        Some people believe Pope Francis performed a miracle in Naples when he kissed a vessel containing a saint’s dried blood and it turned to liquid.  ***  That’s nothing—he can say a few choice words to conservative cardinals and make their blood boil.

8.        While driving in Southern California, David Crosby of Crosby, Stills and Nash hit and injured a jogger. ***   “You…who are on the road…WATCH OUT!”

9.        In her upcoming book, Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend and a star of “The Girls Next Door,” says that life was not all wonderful and she once found herself alone in a bathtub, thinking of ending it all.  ***  People have been shocked by this disclosure.  They had no idea that Playboy women were ever alone in the bathtub.

10.     This past Sunday, hundreds of people in England witnessed the proper burial of the recently discovered remains of Richard III, who was known as the “Hunchback King.”  ***  However, many felt he should have been buried on a Wednesday.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friday, Mar 20, 2015

1.        “The Bold and the Beautiful” actress Karla Mosley says it will be revealed that her character, Maya, was originally a boy named Myron.  ***   It’s a bit far-fetched, but it’s the only way the writers could explain why Maya doesn’t like soap operas.

2.        According to a survey by the web site CareerBliss, the least enjoyable job in the U.S. is security guard.  ***   So, the most unhappy workers in the country carry guns.  What could possibly go wrong? 

3.        The senior editor of Ms. magazine blasted the makers of baby attire that has the words “I Hate my Thighs” because of its shame-inducing message.  ***  Yeah, I guess it’s not nice to make fun of someone with a lisp.

4.        In discussing “The Sound of Music” with Diane Sawyer, Julie Andrews confessed that she never liked the song “I Have Confidence.”  ***  She also admitted that the hills weren’t really alive.

5.        North Korean President Kim Jong Un is headed to Moscow to help celebrate Victory Day, which commemorates the defeat of Nazi Germany.   ***   President Kim is going so he can see what it’s like to celebrate a victory, since North Korea never had one of its own.

6.        The Secret Service is asking for $8 million to build a replica of the White House for training purposes.  ***   You know, there are a few presidential candidates who could use that. 

7.        “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson was barred from attending the funeral of her close friend, “The Simpsons” creator, Sam Simon.  ***  Relatives weren’t happy with her plan to put on a red swimsuit and run up the aisle in slow motion.

8.        Vladimir Putin finally made a public appearance after being out of sight for the past ten days.   ***  He said he had been hiking the Appalachian Trail.

9.        In New Delhi, India, a bride walked out of her wedding ceremony when the groom gave her an incorrect answer to a simple arithmetic problem.  ***  As she stomped out the door, the shocked groom could only mutter, “It was my understanding there would be no math.”

10.     According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Florida has the highest percentage of senior citizens.  ***  California claims that it actually has the most elderly residents, but out there they count everyone over 40.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday, Mar 13, 2015

1.        The U.S. Geologic Survey says the chance of a major earthquake hitting California has increased from 4% to 7%.  The new prediction is based on recent seismic activity, an updated technical analysis… *** …and the feeling that God is getting really upset with the Kardashians.

2.        An on-line petition calling for treason charges against the 47 senators who signed a letter to Iran now has over 165,000 signatures, well above the threshold that requires the White House to respond.  The last petition over the threshold called for Justin Bieber to be sent back to Canada.  ***  Supporters of the current initiative suggest that the government can save money by putting Bieber and senators on the same bus.

3.        Last week, after a night of heavy drinking, two Secret Service agents crashed their car into a White House security barrier.  ***  They were subsequently commended for realizing that they were in no condition to climb the fence.

4.        A jury has found that “Blurred Lines” infringed on Marvin Gaye’s songs and ordered Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams to pay $7.4 million.  ***  They also ordered Pharrell to fork over an extra million for wearing an unauthorized knock-off of a Canadian Mounties’ hat.

5.        Walmart officials are trying to shut down a tumblr-owned web site that uses the Walmart name and consists solely of one photo of a horse in front of a Walmart store.   ***  I wonder…would they be happier if the horse was wearing four flip-flops and a tank top?

6.        Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Las Vegas just unveiled a wax figure of Miley Cyrus sitting on a wrecking ball.  ***   Oh, I thought that was just Kim Kardashian with a haircut.  

7.        The aircraft in the Harrison Ford crash was an old Ryan, built way back in 1942, the same year that Mr. Ford was born.  ***  You know, you gotta be careful with those old classics…and the planes they fly.

8.        A North Korean official was caught illegally carrying $1.4 million in gold bars on an international flight.  ***  Maybe next time they can just send Mr. Rodman a check.

9.        A company in Switzerland has sold Russia $85 million worth of hi-tech camouflage netting.  ***  Vladimir Putin says it will be sent to Ukraine to hide Russian missiles and tanks that aren’t there.

10.     At his weekly public prayer, Pope Francis told followers that elderly people should not be treated as aliens.  ***  But Sigourney Weaver said it wouldn’t make a good storyline anyway.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Friday, Mar 6, 2015

1.        Harrison Ford isn’t doing much acting these days.  ***  In fact, you can often find him on the golf course.

2.        A study at the Boston University of Medicine shows that by exercising in his 40’s, when man hits 60 he’ll have stronger cognitive powers and less physical brain shrinkage.  ***  And that’s good, because then he won’t have to buy new hats.

3.        The Ringling Brothers Circus has announced that it is discontinuing all elephant acts.  ***  For sale:  Large assortment of heavy duty shovels.

4.        Mark Cuban and Ann Coulter will star in “Sharknado 3,” another air-borne shark sequel with more blood, guts and gore. ***  As in the first two movies, the victims will be the people who buy tickets.

5.        The four Kardashian ladies negotiated a $100 million deal with E! network.  ***   Well, keeping up with the Kardashians just got a little tougher.

6.        A survey of 736 college students shows that Facebook posts often make people envious, which can lead to severe depression.  ***  And then they get even more jealous because they aren’t as depressed as their friends are.

7.        Yahoo! celebrated its incorporation anniversary on Monday, just one day after Justin Bieber celebrated his birthday.  ***  Yahoo! Inc. turned 20 and the other yahoo turned 21.

8.        Leonard Nimoy, who just died at age 83, often used the phrase “Live long and prosper.”  ***  That wasn’t a Vulcan greeting; it was his “Star Trek” contract’s clause on residuals.

9.        In Sun City, Arizona, local citizens joined the chase for two escaped llamas that were running down city streets.  ***  But it turned to chaos when all the walkers and wheelchairs started hitting the speed bumps.

10.     The Department of Homeland Security has developed a plan to operate with fewer employees in case Congress lets funding run out.   ***  For example, airport screening will be streamlined;  travelers will only need to take off one shoe.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Friday, Feb 27, 2015

1.        The IRS says that because of budget constraints taxpayers have the lowest chance of being audited in the past decade.  ***  In fact, Turbo Tax will now automatically bump up your calculated refund if you just click the “I Feel Lucky” box.

2.        Nike is bringing back the “Classic Cortez” running shoe that was worn by Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump.”  ***  Each pair comes with a box of chocolates, a ping-pong paddle and a bucket of shrimp.

3.        Russia is planning military drills near the border with Latvia and Estonia.  ***  Soldiers will practice invading those countries and Vladimir Putin will practice denying it.

4.        In recent military exercises, the Iranian navy attacked a mock-up of a U.S. aircraft carrier.  ***  To make the carrier very realistic, they built it with schedule delays, cost over-runs and bribes.

5.        According to a study published in the Archives of Diseases in Children, kids should stop taking naps when they reach the age of two.  ***  I believe the study was conducted by five students in a local kindergarten.

6.        The World Wildlife Fund says the Amur leopard is making a comeback, and after analyzing trail camera photos of their unique fur patterns, scientists have concluded there are now at least 60 of the rare leopards.  ***  Unless they actually can change their spots, in which case there might only be three.  

7.        The NBC medical drama “The Night Shift” returns for a second season, in which two of the doctors will ramp up their romance  ***  while valiantly trying to save patients who are only on the Bronze Plan.

8.        Two actors in Thailand were sentenced to 2 ½ years in prison for putting on a play that defamed the ruling monarchy.  ***  Here in the U.S. we have a different way of making the people in power look bad.  It’s called the six o’clock news.

9.        At the Oscar presentations, John Travolta was criticized for getting a little too touchy-feely with Idina Menzel and Scarlett Johansson.  ***   After all, this is the Academy Awards, not some sleazy sideshow where you’d expect that sort of thing--like Joe Biden at a White House ceremony.

10.     Doctors at the Wexner Medical Center at The Ohio State University say that seniors can prevent falls by taking ten simple steps.  ***  Actually, they’re safer if they don’t take any steps at all.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Friday, Feb 20, 2015

1.        George Clooney and his wife, Amal, are building a “panic room” where they can run and hide if suddenly faced with a major threat.  ***  For example, if one of them started to lose their good looks.

2.        In an interview with Seth Meyers, Allison Williams defended her beleaguered father, newsman Brian Williams.  ***  She said, “Now, as I remember that helicopter ride….”

3.        Mars One, an organization that is planning a permanent mission to the red planet, has announced the 100 finalists for the one-way voyage. They were selected from an initial list of 200,000 candidates,  ***  most of whom were nominated by their in-laws.

4.        As a promotion for his upcoming Comedy Central roast, Justin Bieber was shown getting hit in the face with an egg.   So, apparently there are “Beliebers” ***  and there are “Eggthiests.”

5.        Yesterday Detroit police had to deal with an armed man who had barricaded himself inside a home.  ***  Really?  Someone wanted to lock himself IN Detroit?

6.        Because they could not agree on terms, Costco is ending a 16 year agreement that gave exclusivity to the American Express credit card. ***  So, American Express has a new slogan: “Okay, now you can leave home without it.”

7.        Singer-songwriter Leslie Gore has died at age 68.  She was perhaps best known for singing, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”  ***  The song was later covered by John Boehner and the GOP.

8.        Hasbro has come out with a high powered Nerf gun that can shoot a foam ball at 70 mph and is intended for use by adults.  ***   For example, seniors like it for settling disputes at bingo games.

9.        (Groaner Alert) A new video on the Internet shows a sheep who was raised with collies and now thinks she’s a dog. *** You should hear her b-a-a-a-a-rk.

10.     In honor of its 30th anniversary in March, the iconic movie “The Breakfast Club” will be shown at 430 theaters across the country.  ***  But, in recognition of its aging audience, the breakfasts will be digitally altered to include more soft foods, fiber and prunes.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Friday, Feb 13, 2015

1.        According to a study published in the British Medical Journal, drinking red wine is only beneficial for men between 50 and 64, and for women age 65 and over.  ***  You gotta admit, at 65 years old, Bruce Jenner’s timing is impeccable.

2.        At Pebble Beach’s iconic 18th hole, pro golfer Mark Hubbard suddenly got down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend.  ***  Everyone was shocked.  It’s the only time a golfer ever knelt down and didn’t pray for a putt to drop in.

3.        In Dallas, the mother of a 13 year-old pummeled a driver fleeing police after he ran into the back of their mini-van.  ***  I guess she’s a “socker mom.”

4.        A poll shows that bringing back the Joe Paterno statue at Penn State is supported by 71% of all Pennsylvanians ***  and 100% of the pigeons.

5.        It has come to light that the woman who planned to marry Charles Manson just wanted to make money by putting his body on display after his death.  ***  I believe the legal term is “corpus dinero.”                 

6.        Kyle Kraska, a TV sports anchor in San Diego, was wounded when a gunman shot up his car.  ***  Police subsequently received a phone call from another newscaster, a Mr. Williams, who claims to have been a passenger at the time.

7.        AMC Theaters is asking audiences to not bring props like whips and other S&M items to showings of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” ***  Oh. I was just going to bring my black and white crayons.

8.        A survey by the American Psychological Association found that 72% of American adults are stressed out about money.  ***  That’s really disturbing. That means 28% of the people in this country have a drug problem.

9.        The airport in Stockholm, Sweden may become a U.S. “clearance airport,” at which passengers can clear U.S. customs before their long flight to the United States.  ***   The idea is to process them while they still look like their passport photo.

10.     Pope Francis says spanking is OK.   ***   As long as it’s between consenting adults.