Friday, December 14, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 14, 2018

1.   Under new rules, Delta Airlines will not allow you to take your emotional support animal on flights longer than 8 hours.   ***   Unless you’re the pilot. 

2.   An elderly British couple in their 70’s were arrested aboard the cruise ship Marco Polo after authorities found 20 pounds of cocaine hidden in their cabin.  ***    Well, that certainly seems to explain the huge waiting list for the senior cruise.

3.   In Torrance, California, two nuns have been accused of embezzling $500,000 from the Catholic school where they were teachers.  ***  That’s a major felony, so they’re facing some serious jail time and up to 25 raps on the knuckles with a giant ruler.

4.   In Alloa, Scotland, a mother sent her young son to school with an inflatable sheep for a manger scene, not realizing it was a blow-up sex toy.  ***    The first clue was when someone squeezed it and it said, “B-a-a-a-a-d Boy.”

5.   Ramsey Bearse, a former Miss Kentucky, has been charged with a sending a nude photo of herself to a high school student.   ***    Actually, it was just the standard Miss Kentucky pose, which included the tiara, the pageant sash and a strategically-placed bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Friday, December 7, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 7, 2018

1.   Rania Youssef, an Egyptian actress, has been charged with public indecency for wearing a revealing dress and thereby “inciting debauchery and temptation.”   ***  The young woman is in a heap of trouble, but sales of the dress have skyrocketed.

2.   An 85 year old man at Florida’s Cypress Lakes Retirement Community was bitten on the foot by an alligator.   ***   How demoralizing—the guy’s already got one foot in the grave, and then an alligator tries to bite off the other one. 

3.   In London, workers found a 500 year old skeleton of a man near the River Thames, and he was still wearing his thigh-high leather boots.   ***   You know, it must be discouraging when you hang on to your favorite pair of boots for 500 years and they still haven’t come back into style.

4.   Richard Branson says his Virgin Galactic space travel company will be taking visitors to space by Christmas.  ***  In fact, they’re in final stages of training all the reindeer.

5.   A blind man in New York is suing Playboy’s website because it’s not compatible with his screen-reading app.  ***  Previously, he sued the magazine version because he kept cutting his finger on the centerfold staple.

Friday, November 30, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 30, 2018

1.   According to a study issued by 24/7 Wall St., the state with the lowest literacy rate is Nevada.  ***   Fortunately, most people there won’t be able to read the report.

2.   In a new study in the journal “Learning & Behavior,” researchers concluded that dogs have certain social skills but they’re not exceptionally smart.   ***  Well, obviously those idiots never watched an episode of “Lassie.”

3.   A group of Satanists has sued Netflix for using an image of Baphomet, a deity that they worship, in a show without their permission.   ***   However, the cult withdrew their suit after Netflix agreed to drop the orange hair, the red cap and the golf cart.

4.   In Paris, unruly crowds have been exhibiting rowdy behavior, disrespecting French landmarks and disrupting the tranquility of the Champs-Elysees, with no regard for the damage to their country’s reputation.   ***   And that’s just the usual American tourists.

5.   Egyptian archaeologists recently discovered dozens of ancient cat mummies wrapped in fabric, much like their human counterparts.   ***  After closer examination, however, they saw that the cats just got themselves hopelessly tangled up in huge balls of yarn.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 23, 2018

1.   The Statue of Liberty’s original copper and gold torch, which was replaced in 1984, has just been placed in a museum on Liberty Island.  ***  There was an alternate proposal from the White House, but with the caravan so close there just wasn’t time to melt it down and make barbed wire.

2.   A Canadian curling team was kicked out of the Red Deer Curling Tournament because of “unacceptable behavior,” which included getting drunk, breaking brooms and swearing.   ***   Sounds like me when I have to do the housework.

3.   A recent article on the Allure website tells how to get rid of pimples on your butt.   ***  Actually, I thought we took care of them with the mid-term elections.

4.   In criticizing China’s trade agreement proposal, President Trump said, “We can’t have trade that’s meant for stupid people.”  ***    Hey, I didn’t even know we were trading stupid people; do we just exchange ours for theirs?

5.   Irv Gordon has just died at the age of 77, after attaining fame for driving his 1966 Volvo over 3.2 million miles, ***   According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the only vehicle with more miles on it is President Trump’s golf cart.

Friday, November 16, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 16, 2018

1.   A New Jersey couple and a homeless vet have been charged with setting up scam involving a GoFundMe account based on sympathy for the veteran.   ***   It was a very elaborate scheme: First, they started a war…

2.   The National Defense Strategy Commission has just issued a report which concluded that military weaknesses in several areas could cause the U.S. to lose a war against China or Russia.   ***   That shocking assessment generated a strong reaction at the Pentagon, where hundreds of high-level officials immediately called their bookies to change their bets.

3.   Architectural Digest has published a list of beautiful buildings in Canada that are impressive but don’t seem to attract many tourists.   ***    Unfortunately, most of them are in areas without any marijuana shops.

4.   According to the NASA website, some Christmas lights are visible from space.   ***   In fact, the agency admitted that the space shuttle’s primary navigational aid was Clark Griswold’s house.

5.   American Airlines is now offering early-boarding to passengers with nut allergies so they can wipe down their own seating areas.  ***   Previously, early-boarding for wipe down was only offered to a Mr. Adrian Monk.

Friday, November 9, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 9, 2018

1.   In Michigan, Oakland County is now hiring snow plow drivers, but says the positions will be part-time.  ***  However, they did not give a reason for that optimism.

2.   A house in Fresno, California suffered major fire damage after the owner tried to kill black widow spiders with a blowtorch.  ***   Actually, the guy was too smart to try to burn the spiders--he just set his house on fire so the fire hoses would drown them.

3.   Delta Airlines has apologized to a man who had to sit in a feces-splattered seat that had not been cleaned.  ***  An airline spokesman explained that the previous flight was a little rough, and some passengers did not have their bowels in the upright and locked position.

4.   Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams recently revealed her struggle with depression.   ***   I don’t know what kind of parent Destiny is, but some folks just need to be a little more supportive of their kids.

5.   After the turmoil of his confirmation process, new Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh will not participate in the tradition of walking down the marble steps of the Supreme Court Building following his investiture because of concerns for his safety.  ***  Maybe they could install a handrail?

Friday, November 2, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 2, 2018

1.   As a Halloween promotion, Reese’s designed a vending machine that allows kids to exchange unwanted candy for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.   ***   Meanwhile, for adults who want to exchange things they don’t like, we have the mid-term elections.

2.   After speaking at a Mike Pence rally in Michigan, a Messianic Jewish rabbi was criticized for saying Jesus is “the Messiah,” which is contrary to the beliefs of mainstream Jews.  ***  And the White House.

3.   Near Phoenix, Arizona, a 60 year old man was rescued three days after falling into a mine shaft, where he suffered a broken leg, internal bleeding, dehydration and encounters with rattlesnakes.  ***  But, he said it was still a lot better than being around all the mid-term election campaigns.

4.   Meghan Markle reportedly cut short her visit to a Fiji marketplace because of security concerns.   ***   Actually, it was because all the vendors refused her demands for a “princess discount.”

5.   Reports from Mexico say people in the caravan traveling toward the U.S. border have been smoking marijuana.   ***   Actually, that’s good news; they may be heading to Canada.