Friday, June 24, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 24, 2016

1.    In an interview on Entertainment Tonight, former “Knight Rider” star David Hasselhoff confirmed reports that he has lost all his money.  ***  He said that’s the last time he’ll ever take investment advice from a talking car.

2.    Using new measuring technology, scientists have just discovered that the Great Pyramid of Giza was built slightly lopsided.  ***  Consequently, it will now be known as the Good Pyramid of Giza.

3.    Mabel Jackson, a 100 year-old woman in Suffolk, England, says that drinking six gin & tonics every day keeps her young.   ***  Of course she still feels young—she can’t remember the last 60 years.

4.    According to stock market guru Jim Cramer, two things that millennials love spending money on are cell phones and make-up.  ***   Apparently they want to look good for their selfies.

5.    During a performance in Saskatoon, Canada, Justin Bieber accidentally fell through a trap door and disappeared.  A lot of people were really and truly heartbroken… *** … when he reappeared.

6.    On this date in history:  Jun 24, 1947 – Flying saucers are sighted over Mount Rainier by pilot Ken Arnold.  ***  Hey, that’s just what I want to hear my pilot saying:  “Folks, I’m seein’ some flying saucers out the window…and I’m hearing voices, too…but why don’t y’all relax and enjoy the flight.”

7.    On this date in history:  Jun 23, 1979 – The Charlie Daniels Band releases "The Devil Went Down to Georgia."  ***  Of course, it seems like he’s been to a lot more places since then.

8.    On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1847 – The donut is created.  ***  Within a year, the average policeman gained ten pounds.

9.    On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1834 – Cyrus Hall McCormick patents the reaping machine.  ***  Actually, I thought it had been invented by a guy named Grim.


10.  On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1893 – In New Bedford, Massachusetts, Lizzie Borden is found innocent of the axe murders of her parents.  ***  However, she later had her own show on the Home Chopping Network.

Friday, June 17, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 17, 2016

1.  A corrupt government official in Argentina was caught tossing bundles of money over the wall of a monastery.  ***  As a monk went to phone the police another monk yelled after him, “Dial slowly!”

2.  An elementary school in Alabama is being criticized for sending a child home with a stamp on his arm saying “I need lunch money,” but school officials said such stamps are standard practice for getting messages to parents.  ***  In fact, the kid had to take off his shirt to show mom and dad his report card.

3.  Donald Trump announced that he has added two words to his campaign slogan.  It’s now “Make America great again—for everyone.”   ***  In the interest of full disclosure, a Trump spokesman did point out that the word “everyone” is followed by an asterisk.

4.  Researchers at New Mexico State University say that Victoria’s Secret Bombshell perfume is very effective as a mosquito repellent.  ***   That’s great news for women who want to put on some sexy Victoria’s Secret lingerie, spray on a little Victoria’s Secret perfume, and go camping.

5.  The Playboy Mansion has been sold to the next door neighbor, Daren Metropoulos, whose private equity firm owns the Hostess company.  ***  Well, I guess that’s appropriate since both homes are full of Ding Dongs.

6.  On this date in history:  Jun 17, 1775 – The British defeat the colonists at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which actually took place at Breed’s Hill.   ***  Unaware that the battle had been mis-named, the colonial reinforcements were, unfortunately, sitting over at Bunker Hill.

7.  On this date in history:  Jun 16, 1882 – Dubuque, Iowa was hit with 17" hailstones weighing 1.75 pounds.  ***  The only casualty was the guy running around outside with the scale.

8.  On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1924 – The Ford Motor Company manufactures its 10 millionth automobile.   ***  Reports at the time said the guy keeping count was exhausted.

9.  On this date in history:  Jun 14, 1847 – Robert Bunsen invents the bunsen burner for use in science labs.   ***  Thousands of happy chemistry students start bringing marshmallows to class.

10. On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1888 – Congress establishes the Department of Labor.   ***  Most politicians were against it until they were assured that the department wouldn’t have to actually do any labor.


Friday, June 10, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 10, 2016

1.  The government just announced it is investigating complaints regarding suspension components on the Tesla S model.  ***  Officials said the problem is serious and could result in irreparable harm to a Tesla driver’s feeling of superiority.

2.  A Harvard professor is using electronic components and jars of chemicals to build “artificial leaves” that can synthesize carbon dioxide into oxygen.  ***  He said the contraptions function OK, but it’s a real pain to rake them up in the fall.

3.  Astronomer Paul Cox claims there is a “Planet X” hiding behind the sun, and someday it will pop out and annihilate Earth.  ***  Good news, folks.  We might not have to endure an entire four years of Donald or Hillary.

4.  Hostess is recalling thousands of Ding Dongs, Chocolate Zingers and other snack foods because peanut residue in the flour could cause dangerous allergic reactions.  ***  That’s in addition to the normal reactions of weight gain, hyperactivity and tooth decay.

5.  Oprah Winfrey is launching her own line of food products called “Oprah’s Kitchen.”  ***  It’s the latest addition to her money-making conglomerate, “Oprah’s Cash Register.”

6.  On this date in history:  Jun 10, 1988 – Over 31,000 people in London participate in the world’s largest bicycle tour.   ***  Wow, can you imagine the huge logistical challenge? — All the medical support, the water stations, the steroids…

7.  On this date in history:  Jun 9, 1822 – Charles Graham receives a patent for false teeth.  ***   However, most politicians remember him for his second invention, the fake smile.

8.  On this date in history:  Jun 8, 1959 – The first official "missile mail" lands in Jacksonville, Florida.  ***   And the U.S. military is still using missiles to send a message. 

9.  On this date in history:  Jun 7, 1979 – Rock & roll star Chuck Berry is charged with tax evasion.   ***  Johnny B. Badde.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 6, 1960 – Roy Orbison releases "Only the Lonely."  ***  It’s a sad, depressing song about people who don’t get any “Likes” on their Facebook posts.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 27, 2016 -- HIATUS!

Sorry, but Bill's Pills is on hiatus for an extended Memorial Day weekend.  

We'll resume next week (Friday, June 3)

Regards,

Bill Mihalic

Friday, May 20, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 20, 2016

1.   Donald Trump has threatened to sue the New York Times for its articles criticizing his degrading treatment of women.  ***  In a scathing attack, he said he can prove that he degrades men and women equally. 

2.   A study by Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center has found that 45% of heart attack victims have “silent” heart attacks which don’t have the classic symptoms of arm numbness and chest pain.  ***  That’s good, because that means you can finish your beer and burger and you won’t ruin happy hour for everyone around you.

3.   Mariah Carey told Entertainment Tonight that no one is going to sing at her upcoming wedding because nobody is good enough.  ***  She said that guy who turns water into wine at wedding feasts can show up if he wants, but only if he promises not to sing.

4.   A Massachusetts man has become the first in the U.S. to receive a new sex organ transplanted from a donor.  ***  The donor’s name was not disclosed, but the patient says he now has a strange urge to enter a decathlon.   

5.   Author Ian Halperin, who has written a book about the Kardashians, says that Caitlyn Jenner is considering de-transitioning back to a man.  ***  He said that Caitlyn is very happy as a woman, but all those new public restroom rules are just too confusing.

6.   On this date in history:  May 20, 1940 – Igor Sikorsky unveils his newly invented helicopter.  ***  He said its primary purpose was to help report traffic conditions in the morning. 

7.   On this date in history:  May 19, 1898 – The Post Office authorizes the use of postcards.  ***   For Millennials:  Postcards are how people bragged about vacations before Facebook.  

8.   On this date in history:  May 18, 1965 – Gene Roddenberry suggests 16 names, including “Kirk,” for the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise in Star Trek.  ***  Fortunately, “Crunch” and “Kangaroo” were already taken.

9.   On this date in history:  May 17, 1733 – England imposes an additional tariff by passing the Molasses Act. ***  It was basically a tax on people who move too slow.


10.  On this date in history:  May 16, 1966 – The Beach Boys release "Pet Sounds."  ***  I believe their favorite sound was “Ka-ching!”

Friday, May 13, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 13, 2016

1.  Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris has been showing off her new tongue piercing.  ***  To avoid any difficulties or confusion, she’s having her name legally changed to Parith.

2.  McDonald’s says it is facing shortages as it test markets a popular new menu item, “Gilroy Garlic Fries.”  ***  They have enough fries, salt and ketchup, but they’re running out of breath mints.

3.  In Texas, the McKinney School District plans to spend $63 million to build the most expensive high school football stadium in the U.S.  ***  A spokesman says that sounds like a lot, but they can easily raise the money with only 25,000 bake sales.

4.  In a wedding ceremony in Colombia, a Peruvian environmentalist married a 1,000 year old tree.  ***  That’s unbelievable.  I mean, wow—what an age difference.

5.  Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne are divorcing after 33 years of marriage amid rumors that Ozzy was having an affair with a hairstylist.  ***  Sharon says his cheating is entirely unacceptable, although she admits that his hair has never looked better.

6.  On this date in history:  May 13, 1940 – Winston Churchill proclaims, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” ***  His wife then turned to him in the pew and said, “Shut up and throw some money in the basket.”

7.  On this date in history:  May 12, 1641 – Prince Willem II, age 14, marries English princess Henriette Mary Stuart, age 9.  ***  It was the first time in history that the bridal registry was at Toys ’R Us. 

8.  On this date in history:  May 11, 1864 – Confederate General J.E.B. Stuart is mortally wounded in the Battle of Yellow Tavern.   ***  Gee, I hope it wasn’t during happy hour.

9.  On this date in history:  May 10, 1752 – Benjamin Franklin conducts his first test with a lightning rod.  ***  Tragically, it involved a stripper and outdoor pole dancing.   


10. On this date in history:  May 9, 1945 – The new balata baseball is used in a game for the first time and it is 50% livelier.  ***  The ball, that is.  The game is still boring.

Friday, May 6, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 6, 2016

1.  The Rolling Stones have asked Donald Trump to stop using their songs in his campaign.  ***  The aging Stones warned Mr. Trump that although they might not remember all their songs, they’ll know them when they hear them.

2.  The FBI has arrested a Michigan man for sprinkling a mixture of hand soap and rat poison on fruit and vegetables at several grocery stores in Ann Arbor.   ***   It could have been worse; he could have sprinkled them with water from Flint.

3.  In Philadelphia, police arrested a man dressed as Jesus who refused to leave an Apple store.  ***  Apple management was furious and said if someone wants to play God they should dress up as Steve Jobs.

4.  There has been strong criticism in response to a photo of Justin Bieber posing next to a tiger that was restrained by a thick chain.  ***   In the interest of public safety, most people feel Mr. Bieber should be the one on a leash.

5.  A woman is suing Starbucks for $5 million because a 24-ounce iced drink has only 14 ounces of the actual drink and the remainder is ice.  ***  In a customer-friendly gesture, Starbucks told the woman she can now get 24 ounces of the drink in the cup and hold out her hand for the ice.

6.  On this date in history:  May 6, 1957 – The Pulitzer Prize is awarded to John F. Kennedy for “Profiles in Courage.”  *** Surprisingly, he did not get similar accolades for his sequel, “Profiles in Philandering.”

7.  On this date in history:  May 5, 1816 – The American Bible Society is organized in New York. ***  It’s like a Book of the Month Club, except that every month it’s the same book.

8.  On this date in history:  May 4, 1626 – The Indians sell Manhattan Island for only $24 in cloth & buttons.  ***  And that was before deducting the three button realtor fee. 

9.  On this date in history:  May 3, 1991 – The final episode of Dallas is aired.  ***  Everyone was amazed that in 356 episodes JR only got shot once.


10. On this date in history:  May 2, 1988 – Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose is suspended for 30 days for pushing an umpire.  ***  Actually, he was suspended for placing a bet on whether or not the ump would push back.