Monday, January 26, 2015

Friday, Jan 23, 2015

1.        Peter Thiel, a co-founder of PayPal, is getting into the legal marijuana business.  *** I believe his company will be called PayDude.

2.        Two former WWE wrestlers are accusing their former employer of ignoring signs of brain damage.  ***   How could they miss it?  I mean, just one look at that audience…

3.        Justin Bieber says he’s thrilled that he’s going to be roasted on Comedy Central.  ***  I’ll bet he changes his mind when he sees the lighter fluid.

4.        Betty White’s “Hot in Cleveland” co-workers arranged a big choreographed flash mob last week to celebrate her 93rd birthday.  ***  For most people at that age, a flash mob is when six people show up for bingo.

5.        According to a study published in the Journal “Neurology,” it usually takes two triggering mechanisms to initiate a migraine headache.  ***  You know, like a son AND a daughter.

6.        62 year old Jeff Goldblum and his 31 year old wife are expecting their first child.  ***  What a range in ages.  They won’t know whether to take their vacations in the kiddie park, Central Park or Jurassic Park

7.        Professional golfer Robert Allenby was assaulted and robbed after being eliminated in a tournament in Hawaii.  ***  The last pro golfer to be assaulted was Tiger Woods.  I believe the perp took half his assets.

8.        On his trip back from the Philippines, Pope Francis told reporters that just because the church frowns on contraception, that doesn’t mean Catholics have to breed “like rabbits.”  ***  But, he said it wouldn’t hurt them to hop to church a little more often.

9.        Pope Francis told mothers they could breastfeed during a Sistine Chapel service in which he baptized 33 babies.  *** Afterwards, he was terribly embarrassed when he suddenly realized that he had patted more than 40 little bald heads.

10.     A Florida police station was embarrassed at the error on its new custom-made rug which said “In Dog We Trust.”  ***  That slip-up may seem funny at first, but it was truly offensive and hurtful to cats everywhere.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Friday, Jan 16, 2015

1.        The FBI has arrested a 20-year-old Ohio man for plotting to attack the U.S. Capitol, but an agency spokesman said the public was not at risk.  ***  The only time Americans are in danger is when Congress is in session.

2.        In order to avoid toilet breaks, traffic officers in the Philippines will be required to wear adult diapers when the Pope visits.  ***  Actually, the Vatican just asked that the police force be “Depend-able.”

3.        At the Detroit Auto Show, Verizon announced its “Verizon Vehicle” program which will provide services similar to On-Star directly to consumers.   ***  The only drawback is that drivers will occasionally be startled by a voice yelling, “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”

4.        Federal agents in Chicago raided two body donation operations that also involved Detroit.  ***  Chicago was using the names of the deceased for the voting rolls, and Detroit was going to get the bodies to re-populate the city.

5.        The Secret Service has re-assigned four senior officials because of recent security lapses.  Also, it was revealed that when an intruder got into the White House last year agents had thought he would be stopped by bushes around the front entrance.  ***  Apparently the agents didn’t realize the Bushes moved out six years ago.

6.        Katy Perry says she cried all day after she found out she would be performing at the Super Bowl.  ***  And the Detroit Lions cried all day after they found out they wouldn’t.

7.        There’s a lot of Internet commentary about the latest McDonald’s commercial, which features photos of signs at many of its restaurants showing community support in times of celebration and tragedy.  ***   Everyone is amazed they could find that many signs with no spelling errors.

8.        A young man tried to smuggle 94 iPhones into China by taping them all over his body, but was apprehended when border guards noticed his “weird walking posture and joint stiffness.”  ***    You know, he could have gotten away with it if he was 70.

9.        North Korea is accusing the U.S. and South Korea of planning an invasion.  ***  U.S. officials said that’s ridiculous—If we had plans to invade North Korea, Sony would have made a movie about it.

10.     An Italian video journalist ran an experiment in which he asked boys 6 to 11 years old to hit a girl, and all the boys refused.  ***  Smart kids.  At that age, the girls can beat them up.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Friday, Jan 9, 2015

1.     House speaker John Boehner told reporters he hates it when critics call him “spineless.”  ***  He said he prefers “vertebrae-impaired.”

2.     Pope Francis has named 23 new Cardinals.  ***  Well, if he included a couple good pitchers that certainly ought to get St. Louis to the World Series.

3.     Nicholas Sparks, author of “The Notebook” and several other romance novels, announced that he and wife of 25 years are separating.  ***  In his press release he said he will “forever miss her warm and tender skin…her soft, inviting lips...her hot breath …”

4.     Two customers at a McDonald’s in Japan found pieces of plastic in their Chicken McNuggets.  ***  They realized it as soon as they bit into something with flavor.

5.     Season six of “Sister Wives,” the reality show about a man with three wives, premiered with a segment involving a marriage therapist.  *** I wonder if she charges triple.

6.     An 85 year old woman in Waco, Texas has been arrested for using hundreds of neighborhood cats to make fur coats.  ***  Law enforcement officials became suspicious when they noticed a sharp decline in the number of local cat videos on Facebook.

7.     Customs officials say that drug dealers are trying to smuggle Mexican meth into the United States by liquefying it and putting it in cars as washer fluid.  ***   Border guards have been instructed to stop all cars with happy bugs on the windshield.

8.     Kobe Bryant says that European basketball coaches are better than U.S. coaches at teaching young players the fundamentals of the game.  ***   Trash talk, publicity and bling.

9.     North Korea’s Internet went down for nine hours last month, likely due to retaliation by the U.S. for the Sony hack.  ***  The punishment wasn’t the loss of Internet service; it was the nine hours that Kim Jong Un had to spend on the phone with a help desk in India.

10.  The son of Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel was robbed and beaten right in front of the family home.   ***   You know you’re living a life of privilege when the muggers come to you.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Friday, Dec 19, 2014

1.        Lufthansa Airlines is now allowing Middle East passengers to transport their hunting falcons in the main cabin.  Of course, the airlines will continue to allow in-cabin transport of cats and dogs.  ***  Or as the falcon people call them, “snacks.”

2.        A man in England has undergone 50 operations and spent $150,000 to look like Kim Kardashian.  ***  Gee, that’s almost as much as Kim Kardashian spent to look like Kim Kardashian.

3.        Kris Kardashian and Bruce Jenner have just finalized their divorce, and she agreed to pay him $2.5 million.  ***  But, in the true spirit of Christmas, she’s going to give it to him in the form of a plastic surgery gift card.

4.        Newt Gingrich says President Obama should hunt down whoever hacked the Sony e-mails, otherwise we are just opening the door for foreign terrorists to control the American media. ***  Mr. Obama agrees, and wants to keep control of the media where it belongs--with the Democrats.

5.        McDonalds is rationing french fries in Japan because of a shortage.   ***  They have enough potatoes, but they’re running out of grease.

6.        A study in a British medical journal estimates that doctors in that country lose $19 million every year in magazines stolen from waiting rooms.  ***  Here in the U.S., doctors avoid that problem by making sure you wait long enough to finish reading all of them.

7.        Next year Hilton hotel guests will be able to check in, get their room assignment and open their room door with their smart phones.  ***  And by selecting the Charlie Sheen package, the app will automatically line up hookers, order booze from room service and put a disaster recovery team on stand-by.

8.        Sy Berger, who passed away this weekend, is best known for designing the modern baseball card in 1952.  ***  It took him many, many tries to come up with a card that made just the right sound in the bicycle spokes.

9.        The U.S. Army is auctioning off surplus Humvees, but cautions that they are not legal for driving on public highways.  ***  Unless the public highway is in a country that we’re invading.

10.     In a recent YouTube video, a Japanese store clerk shows how to wrap a gift in 12 seconds.  ***  That’s good, because that’s about all the time I have left after I finally finish Christmas shopping.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Friday, Dec 12, 2014

1.        A hallucinogenic mushroom has been found growing in the gardens of Buckingham Palace.  *** Well, that might finally explain how Prince Charles ever thought Camilla was attractive.

2.        Burt Reynolds is denying that he’s broke, a rumor which started when he put 600 personal items and memorabilia up for auction.  ***  He’s just getting rid of things that remind him about the movies that he’s made.

3.        The House has narrowly approved a government spending bill totaling $1.1 trillion.  ***  It was $1.2 trillion before they took out funding for all the interrogation equipment.

4.        Kim Kardashian says that her pregnancy weight gain was God’s way of punishing her.   ***   No, it was God’s way of getting her to keep her clothes on.

5.        LeBron James has been accused of a major breach of protocol when he met Princess Kate and he put his arm around her.  ***  Well, what else could an NBA star do?  She’s already pregnant.

6.        After President Obama’s annual pardoning of Thanksgiving turkeys at the White House, his two daughters were criticized for having appeared sullen, unsupportive and disinterested.  ***   That sort of childish behavior is considered totally inappropriate, unless you’re a Republican at the State of the Union Address.  

7.        In Venice, California, former child actor Andrew Keegan has founded a new religion called “Full Circle.”  ***  Services consist of getting together and watching “Anderson Cooper 360.”

8.        In the next James Bond film, “Spectre,” the Bond girl is 50 year old Monica Bellucci.  ***  She will also be starring in several senior-oriented re-makes, including “Oldfinger,” “License to Kill Time,” and “The Man with the Golden Health Insurance.”

9.        In Rosemont, Illinois, a Hyatt Hotel was hosting the “Midwest FurFest,” in which all the participants were dressed as various furry animals, when an apparent chlorine leak prompted evacuation.  ***  Police ordered everyone to immediately hop, leap or amble to the nearest exit.

10.     Tom Hanks, Sting, Patricia McBride, Al Green and Lily Tomlin have just received the 2014 Kennedy Center Honors from President Obama.  ***  Actually, only four of them were present for the ceremony;  Ms. Tomlin was busy manning the White House switchboard.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Friday, Dec 5, 2014

1.        David Muir, the anchor on ABC’s “World News Tonight,” has started posting a one-minute newscast on Facebook every weekday.  ***  And he’ll continue doing it until he runs out of cat material.

2.        Having split from Bruce Jenner, Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner has been seen dating Corey Gamble.  ***  No surprise there; at her age every date is a gamble.

3.        A nuclear missile launch officer stationed in Montana has been charged with drug use and removed from duty.  ***  Good. We cannot afford to have those people impaired by drugs. Whenever the time comes, they need to be able to count backwards from ten.

4.        This week’s huge power outage in Detroit resulted in the loss of street lights, traffic lights…***…and, unfortunately, the light at the end of the tunnel.

5.        Anderson Cooper is already back on the air at CNN, just two days after an emergency appendectomy.  ***  However, his doctors told him to take it easy and start at 180 then gradually work his way back up to 360.

6.        Burt Reynolds is reportedly having financial difficulties, and he’s so desperate that he started teaching acting classes.   ***   Fortunately, he was able to find a few people who are so desperate that they’re taking them.

7.        Just before Thanksgiving Vermont may got 16 inches of snow.   ***  Which was great news for all the 15 inch turkeys.

8.        According to the IRS, every year more than 100,000 prison inmates file fake tax refund claims, although most of them are caught.  ***  Auditors always get suspicious when someone asks for their refund to be sent in cash hidden in the lining of a book.

9.        In a White House press conference President Obama announced that he will improve security with a new Secretary of Defense.  ***  And a new Secretary of De Front Door.

10.     An exhibit at New York’s JFK Airport displays weapons confiscated by TSA gents, including a credit card that can turn into a knife.  ***  Even scarier is a credit card that can turn into a $10,000 debt.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Friday, Nov 21, 2014

1.        Medical researchers have found that slumping forward while texting is like adding a 60 pound load to your spine and neck.  ***  They recommend that your back should be kept straight and your chin should be at least 12 inches from the steering wheel.

2.        The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety has reported that minivans from Chrysler and Nissan scored poorly in recent crash testing.  ***  They said that after a 40 mph frontal collision nearly half the cupholders were unusable.

3.        Olive Garden has changed its menu and now diners can choose “Northern Italian” or “Southern Italian.”  ***   Or, they can choose “Real Italian” and go eat somewhere else.

4.        An Iowa man was apprehended by Secret Service agents near the White House after they found a hunting rifle and a knife in his car.  ***  Because of new security procedures, they told him he’d have to leave the weapons behind before climbing over the fence.

5.        Twenty-four women in Minnesota are crafting an elaborate wedding gown that has one million beads and weighs 400 pounds.  ***  Gee, usually it’s the guy who has to be dragged to the altar.

6.        A woman in Salt Lake City was allowed to have her driver’s license photo taken while wearing a kitchen colander on her head.   ***  The picture turned out OK, although her expression was somewhat strained.

7.        The Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year is “vape,” a device which turns substance into vapor, like an e-cigarette.  ***  Or a political speech.

8.        Facebook is going to prevent users from sharing their “Friends” list with political campaign committees.  ***  Unless the candidate is a cat.

9.        Plus-size actress Melissa McCarthy recently lost 45 pounds.  An inside source said, “She’s not obsessed with dieting; she’s just looking for a happy medium.”  ***  Well, she may have found happy, but I don’t think she reached medium.

10.     After 34 hours on the air, TV weatherman Al Roker set a new world record.  *** Longest continuous weather show without a single accurate forecast.