Friday, August 10, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 10, 2018

1.   On a “Fox & Friends” segment about North Korea, Jillian Mele said, “Kim Jong Un is quite the romantic.”  ***  Yes, nothing says “ambiance” like wine, cheese and candlelight while watching a late night execution.

2.   The Reader’s Digest website has an article on “How to Unlock Your Car Door without a Key in 30 Seconds.”  ***  Park it in downtown Detroit and walk away. 

3.   Thai citizenship has been granted to three of the boys who were trapped in a cave for two weeks and then extricated by a harrowing rescue through two miles of flooded tunnels.  ***   The U.S. Congress was impressed and is now considering a similar citizenship process for DACA.

4.   The Hood company has recalled its Vanilla Almond Breeze almond milk because it may actually contain some dairy milk.  ***  How could they possibly get dairy and almond milks confused? Everyone knows that milk-giving cows are the ones without the nuts. 

5.   While attempting the “Keke Challenge,” which involves jumping out of a moving car while dancing to a hip-hop song, an 18 year old Iowa girl fell and suffered a fractured skull.  ***  Yes, doctors say skulls are always more likely to fracture when there’s nothing inside.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1846 – The Smithsonian Institution, sometimes referred to asthe nation's attic," is established by Congress. ***   Sometimes referred to as “the nation’s swamp.”

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1803 – The first horses arrive in Hawaii.  ***   Really?  They couldn’t just take their vacations in a pasture back home?

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1918 – After 6 U.S. soldiers are surrounded in France, Alvin York shoots 20 Germans and captures 132 more.  ***  After the war, the German government gave each of those 132 soldiers the coveted “Stupid Dummkopf Award.”

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1789 – The U.S. War Department is established.   ***  And it did a great job of creating and maintaining wars for many, many years.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 6, 1961 – Russian cosmonaut Gherman Titov becomes the first person to report motion sickness in space.  ***  Unfortunately, he had to  spend the rest of the flight trying to clean his helmet.

Friday, August 3, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 3, 2018

1.   McDonald’s is now celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac, and after all those years Big Macs are still going strong.  ***   Which is probably more than you can say for the people who have been eating them.

2.   Charlie Sheen has filed documents asking the courts to revise his child support payments, claiming that he has been “unable to find steady work” and is suffering from “a dire financial crisis.”  ***   In fact, things are so bad that although he still parties in four-star hotel rooms, he can no longer afford to trash them.

3.   Police in Greenville, South Carolina were called to a Costco store after two men in their 70’s got into a fight over free samples.   ***   Actually, they were fighting over the 80 year old cutie who was handing them out.

4.   Yesterday was National Whistleblower Day.    ***    President Trump apparently misunderstood the concept and observed Whistleblower Day by sending out several tweets.

5.   In drug-related violence in the Philippines, two city mayors were recently shot.   ***   Meanwhile, for most mayors here in the U.S., the biggest risk is losing a finger during a ribbon cutting ceremony.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1860 – The American Canoe Association is founded at New York’s Lake George.   ***  Actually, I think the Indians beat them by a few hundred years.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1989 – NASA confirmed Voyager 2's discovery of three more moons of Neptune, temporarily designated 1989 N2, 1989 N3 and 1989 N24.  ***  Later they were given their permanent names: Curly, Larry and Moe.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1976 – Liz Taylor finalizes her 6th divorce when she divorces Richard Burton for the second time.  ***   For her future marriages, she always made sure to itemize the irreconcilable differences in advance.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 31, 1964 – Ranger 7 takes 4,316 pictures before crashing into the surface of the Moon.  ***  Too bad about the inevitable ending, but photo #4,316 was an amazing close-up of a rock.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 30, 1969 – Barbra Streisand opens for Liberace at the International Hotel in Las Vegas.  ***  Her job was to warm up the audience and then light the candelabra. 

Friday, July 27, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 27, 2018

1.   A company in Missouri is marketing “Redneck Sandals,” which have a lower portion like a typical sandal, but an upper portion like a cowboy boot.   ***    Of course, they’re not practical for horseback riding because it’s hard to get on a horse that’s doubled over with laughter.

2.   Stormy Daniels’ husband, fellow porn star Glendon Crain, has filed for divorce and asked the judge to issue a restraining order.   ***   That’s so sad. I’m sure they both remember happier times when they’d grab some handcuffs and restrain each other voluntarily.

3.   Lamborghini has recalled its Aventador SV models after reports that under certain conditions the wheels could come off.  ***  For example, if you parked it overnight in Detroit.

4.   A woman who had been sunbathing on a Maryland beach is recovering after being impaled by a wind-blown beach umbrella.  ***  Boy, talk about “throwing shade” at someone…

5.   In Austin, Texas, a fire broke out at a food factory because of spontaneous combustion of recently baked tortilla chips.  ***   Firefighters were finally able to control the blaze after calling in a pumper truck filled with salsa.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1866 –  The 1,686 mile long Atlantic telegraph cable is successfully laid for communications between the U.S. and Europe.  ***  Messages could be sent by tugging on either end.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1908 – Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte issues a written order that establishes the FBI and calls for a force of “special agents.”   ***   The directive also said they would carry special guns, drive special cars and work in special offices.   

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1983 – The first nonhuman primate, a baboon, is conceived in a lab dish.   ***   Of course, to hold the mommy and daddy it had to be a really big lab dish.

9.   On this date in history:  July 24, 1925 – Tennessee high school instructor John Scopes is found guilty and fined $100 for teaching evolution.   ***   And a Mr. Cliff was fined $25 for publishing a short summary.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 23, 1931 – France announces it cannot afford to send a team to the 1932 Los Angeles Olympics.   ***  They could fund the travel, food and lodging, but not the must-have Dior travel outfits, Vuarnet sunglasses and Louis Vuitton luggage.  

Friday, July 20, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 20, 2018

1.   The FDA has announced that some dog foods have ingredients that can lead to canine heart attacks, and they recommend owners either stop buying those brands…   ***  …or start practicing CPR on their dog.

2.   Former “Today” host Matt Lauer is reportedly furious that he had to pay his ex-wife $50 million in their divorce settlement, but he’s optimistic about getting back into television.  ***   If he can just borrow cab fare to get to the interview.

3.   Crocs has added a new line of shoes, the “Cypress Heel,” which takes the traditional Crocs design and adds a high heel.   ***   It’s reminiscent of the ill-fated attempt to put high heels on flip-flops, which resulted in an epidemic of twisted ankles up and down every aisle at Walmart.   

4.   According to the Times of London, Prince Charles and Prince William could have joined the Queen in meeting President Trump but claimed that they had “other engagements.”   ***   Charles said it conflicted with his Zumba class and William said he had to mow the lawn.  

5.   Last week Stormy Daniels was arrested during a strip club routine and taken away in handcuffs.  ***  The famous porn star objected vehemently and tried to explain to the arresting officers that handcuffs usually have a fur lining and they always go on the guy.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1878 – The first telephone is introduced in Hawaii.   ***  Of course, it was pretty useless until they introduced the second telephone. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1848 – The first women's rights convention is held in Seneca Falls, New York.  ***  Attendees were kicked out if they had asked their husbands for permission.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1940 – The first successful helicopter flight takes place in Stratford, Connecticut.   ***   Previously, the only successful hovering had been done by overly protective mothers.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1955 – Arco, Idaho becomes the first U.S. city lit by nuclear power.  ***  It was a nice, soft glow from the reactor. 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 16, 1926 – National Geographic takes the first natural color undersea photos.   ***   They were impressive, but most readers still preferred the shots of naked jungle women. 

Friday, July 13, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 13, 2018

1.   According to a recent study, people in South Dakota sleep longer than those in any other state, and NPR suggests it might be because “they tend to have better health overall and generally have lower population densities.”   ***   And because they generally have nothing to wake up for.

2.   At a Buckingham Palace ceremony marking the 100 year anniversary of the Royal Air Force, 3 year old Princess Charlotte was seen sticking her tongue out at the crowd.   ***   A palace spokesman apologized and explained that she was just practicing for President Trump’s visit.  

3.   Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke was informed that he may have violated the Hatch Act by wearing socks with the slogan “Make America Great Again.”   ***   Mr. Zinke apologized and immediately took off all of his White House-issued underwear.

4.   Demos Parneros, the CEO of Barnes & Noble, has been fired for “violating company policy.”   ***  He was caught reading an e-book.

5.   Khloe Kardashian says she is considering having a third child because her sisters seemed “hotter” after having had three kids.   ***   Or three husbands, whichever came first.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1787 – Congress establishes the Northwest Territory.   ***  It took them one day to establish it and ten days to name it.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1874 – The Ontario Agricultural College is founded.    ***   Or, as they preferred to say, planted. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1969 – The Rolling Stones release "Honky Tonk Woman."   ***   And she was glad to leave.

9.   On this date in history:  July 10, 1892 – The first concrete paved street is built in Bellefountaine, Ohio.   ***   It was matched by concrete sidewalks, concrete curbing and concrete potholes.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 9, 1910 – Walter Brookins becomes the first to pilot an airplane to an altitude of one mile.  ***  He was alone, but became the founding member of the Mile High Club, Solo Division.

Friday, July 6, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 6, 2018

1.   The second half of a Kentucky warehouse has now collapsed, sending the remainder of the 18,000 barrels of bourbon crashing to the ground, and officials have been assessing the environmental impact.  ***   They are predicting a sharp increase in global mourning.    

2.   Facebook has apologized after its censorship protocol blocked an excerpt from the Declaration of Independence, and some people feel it was due to the phrase “Indian savages.”   ***   The Facebook algorithm apparently assumed it was a slam on people staffing a help desk. 

3.   President Trump gave Twitter readers a laugh when he bragged about his writing skills and wrote, “Fake News constantly likes to pour over my tweets looking for a mistake.”   ***   Of course, “pore” is what you do over a document – “pour” is what you do to a cup of covfefe.    

4.   A recent article on listed “19 Unusual Uses for Vaseline.”  ***   Including three that had nothing to do with sex. 

5.   Notorious gangster Retoine Faid escaped from a French prison by getting plucked from an open courtyard by a helicopter.  ***  However, before dropping him off the pilot made him spend two hours broadcasting rush hour traffic reports.

6.   NBC has cancelled the comedy series “Champions.”   ***   They also dropped plans for the spinoff, “Runner Ups.”

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1989 – U.S. marshals and FCC agents seize pirate radio station WHOT in Brooklyn.   ***  They confiscated two Jolly Roger flags, several eye patches and a parrot.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1937 – Joe DiMaggio hits his first grand slam homerun.   ***   Mrs. Robinson went wild.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 3, 1754 – In the “French & Indian War,” George Washington surrenders Fort Necessity.  ***   He decided it wasn’t really needed.

10.  On this date in history:  July 2, 1890 – The Sherman Antitrust Act prohibits industrial monopolies.   ***  Businessmen wanting to build financial empires were told to go play the board game.

Friday, June 29, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 29, 2018

1.   In Kentucky, hundreds of fish died after a warehouse collapsed and bourbon spilled into a nearby waterway.   ***  The fish were initially ecstatic and took comfort in their old fish adage, “You can’t put bourbon on a hook.”

2.   A recall notice has just been issued for the 2009-2013 Ferrari California because of an airbag safety issue.  ***  If the airbag deploys, it can get tangled up in the driver’s gold chains.

3.   Homeland Security agents raided Super China Buffet restaurants in two Detroit suburbs in a search for criminal activity.   ***   Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the fortune cookies predicted much future happiness and gave the phone number of an escort service.

4.   The Secret Service will reportedly begin providing protection for press secretary Sarah Sanders.   ***   They’ll be carrying tactical weapons and defensive armament…and an emergency supply of food for when she gets kicked out of restaurants.

5.   Tournament golfer John Daly got upset and dropped out because he wasn’t allowed to use a golf cart during the Senior Open.  ***    Apparently he just wasn’t satisfied with the complimentary tournament gift bag:  Orthopedic shoes, a walker and a free bottle of Advil.  

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1989 – Susan Lucci loses the Daytime Emmy for the 10th straight year.   ***   However, the actress was given the award for “Best Impersonation of a Graceful Loser.”

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 28, 1928Friedrich Schmiedl attempts rocket mail in Austria, but is unsuccessful.  ***  Actually, the results were mixed – the rocket delivered the mail, but killed the recipient.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1955 – Illinois enacts the first automobile seat belt legislation.   ***   In the interest of consumer well-being, the law required that all seat belt buckles be comfortable to sit on.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 26, 1870In New Jersey, the first section of the Atlantic City Boardwalk opens.   ***  The first aid station was busy all day treating everyone for splinters.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 25, 1630 – Massachusetts Governor John Winthrop introduces the fork into American dining.   ***   It was a last minute replacement after the dish ran away with the spoon.