Friday, July 22, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 22, 2016

1.  After receiving multiple complaints, the Toronto Animal Service informed Justin Bieber that they will not allow him to take any more pictures posing with lions.  ***  Unless he’s their dinner.

2.  Chris Christie defended Melania Trump against charges of plagiarism by pointing out that 93% of her speech was entirely original.  ***  Mr. Christie also proudly noted that for 93% of his time in office his staff did not shut down lanes on a bridge.

3.  On the first night of the Republican National Convention, a huge cheer erupted when Rudy Giuliani said, “You know who you are and we’re coming to get you.”  ***  Wow—I had no idea Republicans were so fanatical about finding Pokémon.

4.  In an interview with Bill O’Reilly, Donald Trump said he had to overcome huge obstacles in his campaign because “the system is rigged.”  ***  But, Mr. Trump is still in the running, which proves one thing:  Someone’s gotta do a better job of rigging.

5.  The TSA is urging the public to adopt dogs that didn’t quite qualify for airport security duties.  ***  The agency added that employees who aren’t working out are also available for adoption.  (And some of those checkpoint personnel can be quite “frisky.”)

6.  On this date in history:  Jul 22, 1854 – J. R. Hind discovers a new asteroid.  ***  You know, some jokes just write themselves.

7.  On this date in history:  Jul 21, 1940 – The Soviet Union annexes Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania.  ***  These days, of course, they just get better Olympic teams by doping.

8.  On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1969 – Apollo 11 lands on the moon with Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin.  ***  They immediately began looking for geological items of interest.  Today they’d just start searching for Pokémon.

9.  On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1553 – 15-year-old Lady Jane Grey is deposed as England's queen after 9 days.  ***   Afterwards she said, “OMG, it was like so boring. It was totally not fun. I had to sit on this big stupid chair with a dumb hat and smile at people and I’m just like “What-ev-ver…”

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1814 – The British capture Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin.  ***  The battle was quite a spectacle:  The British in their fancy uniforms fighting a ragtag army of Wisconsinites wearing foam cheese hats.

Friday, July 15, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 15, 2016

1.  In its promotion of Sangria Herbal Tea, a Starbucks ad says, “Stir, sip and smile.”  ***  McDonald’s has a similar line for its hot coffee:  “Spill, scream and sue.”

2.  A huge fight broke out at a Wal-Mart in upstate New York after someone criticized a woman’s dress and family members armed themselves with bats from the sporting goods section.   ***  According to a company press release, “the combatants selected the Professional Model Louisville Slugger, regularly priced at $29.95, currently on sale at 25% off, and proceeded to our well-stocked clothing section which features the latest in designer fashions…”    

3.  The FBI announced that it is officially ending its 45 year search for D.B. Cooper, who parachuted from a plane in 1971 with a sack full of ransom money.  ***   Having exhausted all other avenues, their last hope was that he would eventually come forward and claim his unused frequent flier miles.

4.  Mark Zuckerberg revealed that he recently fell off his bike and seriously injured himself.  ***  He posted the details on his new website, “FaceBroke.”

5.  Caitlyn Jenner posted a Twitter picture of herself with her first Jenner grandson. ***  Transma?

6.  On this date in history:  Jul 15, 1922 – A duck-billed platypus is publicly exhibited in the U.S. for the first time, at the New York Zoo.   ***   It was immediately clear that Noah should never have let the animals play together.

7.  On this date in history:  Jul 14, 1989 – The 16th James Bond movie, "License to Kill," premiers.   ***   It was a lot more exciting than the first 15 movies, in which he only had a license to hurt.

8.  On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1917 – A vision of the Virgin Mary appears to children of Fatima, Portugal.  ***  Wow—if there was ever a time that a kid could have used Facebook…

9.  On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1543 – English King Henry VIII weds Catherine Parr, his 6th and final wife.   ***   She ultimately outlived him, thanks to a clever no-beheading clause in the prenup.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1812 – The U.S. invades Canada at the Detroit border. ***  Of course, that was before you needed a passport.

Friday, July 8, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 8, 2016

1.   According to a study published in the journal “Health Affairs,” the legalization of medical marijuana has led to a significant drop in prescription drug costs paid out by Medicare Part D.  ***  It’s not that marijuana is cheaper than the other drugs, but the claim forms get rejected when pot smokers fill in every line with “whatever.”

2.   In a survey taken by the Employee Benefit Research Institute, 10% of elderly retirees said they are unhappy.   ***  The other 90% couldn’t hear the question, didn’t understand it, or forgot their answer.

3.   Convicted former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has taken to Facebook to proclaim his innocence.  ***  He’s pretty sure he’ll get enough “Likes” to override the jury’s decision.

4.   Parents in the Denver area are furious after finding out that a Boy Scout campground partnered with Hooters.  ***  Yeah, but you oughta see the merit badge.

5.   Author Elizabeth Gilbert announced she is separating from the man she wrote about in her book, “Eat Pray Love,” and she asked the public to respect her privacy.  ***  She said she now plans to write a sequel, “Eat Pray Leave,” at which time her privacy may be invaded for $29.95 a copy.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 8, 1969 – Thor Heyerdahl lands in Barbados after a 57 day voyage from Morocco on his reed raft, the “Ra II.”  ***  Or, as Carnival Cruise Lines calls it, the no-frills package.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 7, 1948 – The Cleveland Indians sign Leroy Paige, known as “Satchel.”  *** Due to confusion over nicknames, people in the front office were disappointed when he arrived and couldn’t sing “Hello Dolly.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1908 – Robert Peary's expedition sails from New York City for the North Pole.  ***  He just didn’t trust the Postal Service to get his wish list to Santa.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1643 – The first recorded tornado in the U.S. touches down in Essex County, Massachusetts.   ***   However, there is no record of what tornados hit back in the days before there were trailer parks.

10. On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1946 – Louis Reard's bikini swimsuit design debuts at the Paris Fashion Show.  ***  But his true genius became apparent with step 2, when he then invented Beach Volleyball.

Friday, July 1, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 1, 2016

1.  Lindsay Lohan says she’s writing a book that talks about her personal experiences and gives advice on how to overcome obstacles.  ***  I believe her advice is to have a really good PR manager, an experienced lawyer and a 24/7 bail bondsman.  

2.  In response to cultural shifts, the 2016 Miss Teen USA Pageant will be dropping the swimsuit portion of the program.  ***  To reflect current trends, the entire competition will now be based on a comparison of selfies.

3.  Scientists believe that Mars is even more similar to Earth than previously thought now that the Mars rover has found traces of manganese oxide.  ***  That’s in addition to the previous discoveries of ice, alcohol and margarita salt.

4.  Caitlyn Jenner is on the cover of a special issue of Sports Illustrated which is headlined, “Where are they now?”   ***   Ms. Jenner will also be featured in the next special issue, “What are they now?”

5.  At a recent Tony Robbins motivational seminar, 30 people were treated for burns after walking on hot coals.  ***  So, at future events, when it’s time for participants to do something dangerous and risk getting burnt, they’ll just invest in the stock market.

6.  On this date in history:  Jul 1, 1963 – The U.S. Postal Service institutes the Zone Improvement Plan (ZIP codes).   ***  As a result of this improvement, most letters are now lost in the correct geographic area. 

7.  On this date in history:  Jun 30, 1859 – Charles Blondin is the first to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope.  ***  Headlines the next day:  “Niagara Falls, Blondin Doesn’t.”

8.  On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1776 – Patrick Henry becomes governor of Virginia.  ***   I believe he was the patriot who said, “Give me liberty or give me…an easy job with a lot of perks and a good pension.”

9.  On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1967 – Keith Richards is sentenced to one year behind bars on drug charges.  ***  On the positive side:  The prison band was awesome.

10. On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1977 – By a vote of 5-4, the Supreme Court allows lawyers to advertise.   ***   But, hampered by truth-in-advertising laws, they could only run ads claiming that they’re less dishonest than the next guy.

Friday, June 24, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 24, 2016

1.    In an interview on Entertainment Tonight, former “Knight Rider” star David Hasselhoff confirmed reports that he has lost all his money.  ***  He said that’s the last time he’ll ever take investment advice from a talking car.

2.    Using new measuring technology, scientists have just discovered that the Great Pyramid of Giza was built slightly lopsided.  ***  Consequently, it will now be known as the Good Pyramid of Giza.

3.    Mabel Jackson, a 100 year-old woman in Suffolk, England, says that drinking six gin & tonics every day keeps her young.   ***  Of course she still feels young—she can’t remember the last 60 years.

4.    According to stock market guru Jim Cramer, two things that millennials love spending money on are cell phones and make-up.  ***   Apparently they want to look good for their selfies.

5.    During a performance in Saskatoon, Canada, Justin Bieber accidentally fell through a trap door and disappeared.  A lot of people were really and truly heartbroken… *** … when he reappeared.

6.    On this date in history:  Jun 24, 1947 – Flying saucers are sighted over Mount Rainier by pilot Ken Arnold.  ***  Hey, that’s just what I want to hear my pilot saying:  “Folks, I’m seein’ some flying saucers out the window…and I’m hearing voices, too…but why don’t y’all relax and enjoy the flight.”

7.    On this date in history:  Jun 23, 1979 – The Charlie Daniels Band releases "The Devil Went Down to Georgia."  ***  Of course, it seems like he’s been to a lot more places since then.

8.    On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1847 – The donut is created.  ***  Within a year, the average policeman gained ten pounds.

9.    On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1834 – Cyrus Hall McCormick patents the reaping machine.  ***  Actually, I thought it had been invented by a guy named Grim.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1893 – In New Bedford, Massachusetts, Lizzie Borden is found innocent of the axe murders of her parents.  ***  However, she later had her own show on the Home Chopping Network.

Friday, June 17, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 17, 2016

1.  A corrupt government official in Argentina was caught tossing bundles of money over the wall of a monastery.  ***  As a monk went to phone the police another monk yelled after him, “Dial slowly!”

2.  An elementary school in Alabama is being criticized for sending a child home with a stamp on his arm saying “I need lunch money,” but school officials said such stamps are standard practice for getting messages to parents.  ***  In fact, the kid had to take off his shirt to show mom and dad his report card.

3.  Donald Trump announced that he has added two words to his campaign slogan.  It’s now “Make America great again—for everyone.”   ***  In the interest of full disclosure, a Trump spokesman did point out that the word “everyone” is followed by an asterisk.

4.  Researchers at New Mexico State University say that Victoria’s Secret Bombshell perfume is very effective as a mosquito repellent.  ***   That’s great news for women who want to put on some sexy Victoria’s Secret lingerie, spray on a little Victoria’s Secret perfume, and go camping.

5.  The Playboy Mansion has been sold to the next door neighbor, Daren Metropoulos, whose private equity firm owns the Hostess company.  ***  Well, I guess that’s appropriate since both homes are full of Ding Dongs.

6.  On this date in history:  Jun 17, 1775 – The British defeat the colonists at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which actually took place at Breed’s Hill.   ***  Unaware that the battle had been mis-named, the colonial reinforcements were, unfortunately, sitting over at Bunker Hill.

7.  On this date in history:  Jun 16, 1882 – Dubuque, Iowa was hit with 17" hailstones weighing 1.75 pounds.  ***  The only casualty was the guy running around outside with the scale.

8.  On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1924 – The Ford Motor Company manufactures its 10 millionth automobile.   ***  Reports at the time said the guy keeping count was exhausted.

9.  On this date in history:  Jun 14, 1847 – Robert Bunsen invents the bunsen burner for use in science labs.   ***  Thousands of happy chemistry students start bringing marshmallows to class.

10. On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1888 – Congress establishes the Department of Labor.   ***  Most politicians were against it until they were assured that the department wouldn’t have to actually do any labor.

Friday, June 10, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 10, 2016

1.  The government just announced it is investigating complaints regarding suspension components on the Tesla S model.  ***  Officials said the problem is serious and could result in irreparable harm to a Tesla driver’s feeling of superiority.

2.  A Harvard professor is using electronic components and jars of chemicals to build “artificial leaves” that can synthesize carbon dioxide into oxygen.  ***  He said the contraptions function OK, but it’s a real pain to rake them up in the fall.

3.  Astronomer Paul Cox claims there is a “Planet X” hiding behind the sun, and someday it will pop out and annihilate Earth.  ***  Good news, folks.  We might not have to endure an entire four years of Donald or Hillary.

4.  Hostess is recalling thousands of Ding Dongs, Chocolate Zingers and other snack foods because peanut residue in the flour could cause dangerous allergic reactions.  ***  That’s in addition to the normal reactions of weight gain, hyperactivity and tooth decay.

5.  Oprah Winfrey is launching her own line of food products called “Oprah’s Kitchen.”  ***  It’s the latest addition to her money-making conglomerate, “Oprah’s Cash Register.”

6.  On this date in history:  Jun 10, 1988 – Over 31,000 people in London participate in the world’s largest bicycle tour.   ***  Wow, can you imagine the huge logistical challenge? — All the medical support, the water stations, the steroids…

7.  On this date in history:  Jun 9, 1822 – Charles Graham receives a patent for false teeth.  ***   However, most politicians remember him for his second invention, the fake smile.

8.  On this date in history:  Jun 8, 1959 – The first official "missile mail" lands in Jacksonville, Florida.  ***   And the U.S. military is still using missiles to send a message. 

9.  On this date in history:  Jun 7, 1979 – Rock & roll star Chuck Berry is charged with tax evasion.   ***  Johnny B. Badde.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 6, 1960 – Roy Orbison releases "Only the Lonely."  ***  It’s a sad, depressing song about people who don’t get any “Likes” on their Facebook posts.