Friday, March 24, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 24, 2017

1.   Pope Francis recently revealed how he fights stress:  Every night he writes down all his problems in a letter and slips it under a statue of Saint Joseph.  ***   Then in the morning he puts on a stamp and mails it to “Dear Abby.”      

2.   The most recent North Korea missile launch has failed.  ***  Kim Jong Un is reportedly furious but has vowed that he’ll “get that pesky wabbit” next time.

3.   Producer, actor and dog expert Cesar Millan says millennials should not get dogs because they don’t know how to care for them and the dogs are just a substitute for children.  ***  And besides, many parents of millennials just don’t want dogs in the basement.

4.   Nordstrom’s is now selling Gucci’s latest style for women: High-heeled sandals with flesh-toned latex stockings for $1,190.  ***  And for men, they still have flat beach sandals and a pair of black dress socks for $19.95.

5.   Monopoly is retiring the boot, wheelbarrow and thimble tokens.  ***   Millennials complained that those three reminded them too much of work.

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 24, 1832Mormon founder Joseph Smith is beaten, tarred and feathered in Ohio.  ***  It happened when his wives all found out about each other.

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 23, 1839 – Boston's Morning Post has the first recorded use of the term "OK."   ***  It soon became a widely-used indicator of approval as well as a popular name for corrals.  

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 22, 1954 – Northland, the world’s first shopping mall, opens in Southfield, Michigan.   ***  It was built in response to seniors demanding an indoor walking track with stores.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 21, 1995 – New Jersey officially dedicates the Howard Stern Rest Area along Route 295.   ***  That’s nicer than the first plan, which was to just honor Mr. Stern with three urinals and a stall.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 20, 1942General MacArthur vows, "I shall return."   ***   Maybe he said it first, but Schwarzenegger said it best. 

Friday, March 17, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 17, 2017

1.   In Shelby County, Tennessee, a long-simmering feud erupted into gunfire at a cemetery during a burial service.  ***  The first hint of trouble came in the funeral announcement, where the family of the deceased suggested ammo in lieu of flowers.

2.   According to a recent study, Americans spend an average of 42 hours per year just sitting in their stationary cars, stuck in traffic.  ***   A lot of young drivers could use that time to text, but they think the car has to be moving.

3.   In an interview with a New Jersey newspaper, Kellyanne Conway said there are many ways of spying on people, including microwave ovens that take pictures.  ***   Ms. Conway also plugged Ivanka’s fashions again and said the line will soon include an assortment of stylish tinfoil hats.

4.   Justin Bieber says he no longer allows fans to take a picture of him.  ***  He now tries to keep away from fans carrying cameras, smart phones or microwave ovens. 

5.   The New York City school attended by Barron Trump was placed on lockdown when authorities noticed a suspicious truck parked out front.  ***  School officials just weren’t used to a student having dry cleaning delivered during class hours.

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 17, 1762 – The first St. Patrick's Day parade is held in New York City.  ***  Previously, city officials just celebrated the holiday by having all the hookers wear green.

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 16, 1916 – The U.S. and Canada sign the Migratory Bird Treaty.  ***  Under the new agreement, migrating birds will no longer need to show their passports at the border.

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 15, 1493 – Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the new world.   ***  Fortunately for all his friends, slides had not yet been invented.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 14, 1812 – Congress authorizes war bonds to finance the War of 1812.  ***  That was after they failed to raise enough money by holding a bake sale.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 13, 1961Pablo Picasso, 79, marries his model, Jacqueline Rocque, 37.  ***  The blushing bride looked radiant, with her nose sticking out one side of her veil and two ears out the other. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 10, 2017

1.   MIT is offering a $250,000 prize for a “rule breaker” – an individual or group that has “taken a personal risk in order to affect a positive change for the greater society.”  ***  The first nominee was Kim Kardashian, who nominated herself for showing excessive cleavage.

2.   According to the Federal Trade Commission, the two states with the most identity theft are Michigan and Florida.  ***  Actually, in Florida it’s not really theft—seniors just borrow other people’s names until they can remember their own.

3.   A recent study found that public swimming pools in Canada contain up to 75 liters of urine.  ***   The news came as quite a shock to most Canadians, who had grown up believing that chlorine was yellow.

4.   A woman in Georgia said she slammed her car into a chicken vending truck because she’s a vegan.   ***  She later confessed that it was just a practice run for her ultimate target, the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. 

5.   First lady Melania Trump made a surprise visit to the Cornell Medical Center in New York City and read to children in the pediatrics unit.  ***   She read one of her favorite children’s books, “Dick and Jane Go to Paris Fashion Week.”

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 10, 1951 – FBI director J. Edgar Hoover declines the post of baseball commissioner.  ***  He really wanted the job until they told him the umpires couldn’t carry tommy guns.

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 9, 1791 – Dr. George Hayward, an American surgeon, is the first to use ether.  ***  It was the only anesthesia available at the time, so it wasn’t a matter of “ether or…”

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 8, 1862 – Confederate forces withdraw from the Battle of Elkhorn Tavern.   ***   They said the beer was too warm anyway.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 7, 1857 – Baseball rules are changed to 9 innings for an official game.  ***   Under the original rules, the game was over when the beer ran out.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 6, 1899Aspirin is patented by Felix Hoffmann  ***  Poor Felix just couldn’t understand why Mrs. Hoffman still kept saying, “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” 

Friday, March 3, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 3, 2017

1.   The White House ethics office has cleared Kellyanne Conway of any wrongdoing for plugging Ivanka’s fashions on a TV talk show.  ***  The report also pointed out that Ivanka’s line includes shoes as well as dresses, and the new summer styles are to die for.

2.   The highest paid actors on “Big Bang Theory,” who make $1 million per episode, took a pay cut so the lesser-paid actors would get more.  ***   At least, that’s their “Big Buck Theory.”

3.   Elon Musk just announced that his company, SpaceX, will fly two paying passengers around the moon next year.  Those lucky people will get a fantastic view of the moon, a permanent place in history, ***  and a ton of frequent flier miles.

4.   In the style of Johnny Carson as Carnac the Magnificent:  “The answer is: Bill Paxton, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway.” ***  Carnac tears open the envelope: “Name one actor who died and two who wish they did.”

5.   Bob Iger, the CEO of Disney, is reportedly considering a run for the presidency in 2020.   ***  He already has the animation department drawing up his cabinet. (If you thought there were a lot of characters in the White House now…)

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 3, 1992 – President Bush apologizes for raising taxes.  ***  And a lot of Americans apologized for not paying them.

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 2, 1819 – The U.S. passes its first immigration law, the Steerage Act, requiring captains of arriving ships to list each immigrant’s name, gender, age and occupation.  ***  Wow, talk about extreme vetting.

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 1, 1941 – The first FM radio station goes on the air in Nashville, Tennessee.  ***  Car accidents skyrocket as thousands of drivers fall asleep.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 28, 1646 - Roger Scott goes on trial in Massachusetts for sleeping in church.   ***   Meanwhile, the preacher who gave the boring sermon got off scott free.

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 27, 1927 – For the second Sunday in a row, golfers in South Carolina are arrested for violating the Sabbath.  ***  You’d think those priests would have known better.

Friday, February 24, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 24, 2017

1.   Researchers at University College London have been studying whether cat owners can contract toxoplasmosis from their pets, which could lead to certain psychotic disorders.  ***   Typical disorders would include schizophrenia, confusion and excessive posting of cat videos on Facebook.

2.   A 26 year old former nursing home worker in Sandusky, Ohio was arrested after forcibly giving a lap dance to a 100 year old resident.  The police report gave the woman’s name as Brittany Fultz, ***  but only identified the elderly gentleman as “Smiley.”  

3.   Lamborghini has recalled thousands of its expensive supercars after several of them caught on fire.  ***   Owners of the damaged cars were understandably upset and complained that after spending that kind of money on a Lamborghini they would have expected the flames to be a lot more spectacular.

4.   The enthusiastic Trump supporter whom the president invited onstage in Florida told reporters he has a six-foot cardboard cut-out of Mr. Trump at home and he said, “I salute that every single day.” ***  And then he kisses his cardboard wife, hugs his cardboard daughter and pets his cardboard dog,

5.   Witches around the world plan to cast a spell on Donald Trump on February 24th at midnight.   ***   The spell probably won’t actually change the president’s behavior, but Sean Spicer plans to use it to explain a few things.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 24, 1208 – Saint Francis of Assisi, 26, received his vocation in Portiuncula, Italy  ***  He was told his mission was to spread the gospel, be kind to animals and pose for birdbath sculptures.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1574France begins 5th Holy War against Huguenots.  ***  Both sides had agreed to a “best out of 7” format. 

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 22, 1879 – The first “five and dime” store is opened by Frank W. Woolworth in Utica, NY.  ***  He was the person who “coined” the phrase “Change you can believe in.”

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 21, 1988During a live TV broadcast, televangelist Jimmy Swaggart admits to visiting a prostitute.   ***  He then asked viewers to increase donations because the fight for her salvation was costing $1,000 a night.

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 20, 1974Cher files for separation from Sonny Bono.  ***  They are perhaps best known for their hit song “I Got (Tired of) You Babe.”

Friday, February 17, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 17, 2017

1.   The half-brother of North Korea’s Kim Jong Un was assassinated at a Malaysian airport terminal.  The victim, Kim Jong Nam, had an indulgent lifestyle and was noticeably overweight.  ***  According to investigators, the attackers weren’t sure of his departure gate, so they set up their ambush at the Cinnabon shop.

2.   Playboy magazine just announced it will resume featuring nude photos.  ***  The bad news:  The April centerfold will be Hugh Hefner.

3.   A Florida police officer was reprimanded for arresting a man because she thought some donut glaze in his car was methamphetamine.   ***   You know, kids, there used to be a time when any good cop could identify every donut topping with their eyes closed--even the color of the sprinkles.

4.   At a UCLA basketball game last week, a Bruins cheerleader fell when the human pyramid under her suddenly collapsed, and then she was dropped again when being carried off the court.  ***  You know, it’s just not smart to be a Hillary fan at the top of a Donald Trump pyramid.

5.   Wal-Mart is now offering the Ivanka line of stylish shoes online at a large discount.  ***   And, as a further enticement to the store’s traditional customer base, Ivanka announced that she’ll throw in a free pair of flip-flops.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 17, 1981Chrysler Corporation reports the largest corporate loss in U.S. history.  ***  The company didn’t disclose the exact number, but said it was “somewhere around a gazillion.” 

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 16, 1878 – The silver dollar becomes legal tender.   ***  And the name of half the saloons west of the Mississippi.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 15, 1903 – Morris and Rose Michtom make the first teddy bear in the U.S.   ***   How do you make a teddy bear?  Take off its clothes.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 14, 1971Richard Nixon installs a secret taping system in the White House.  ***  However, people became suspicious after seeing signs in every room saying, “Please speak clearly.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1959 – The Barbie doll goes on sale.  ***  Over the following years, many special versions of Barbie would go on sale, except “Hooker Barbie,” which could only be rented. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 10, 2017

1.  A man in Lakeland, Florida says he tried to make a $7 billion fraudulent bank transfer because Jesus wanted him to be wealthy.  ***   No, Jesus just wanted him to be stupid.

2.   A study by Exodus Travel says that Americans get their second wind at age 56.  *** Unfortunately, for most of us it’s a headwind.

3.   Leah Remini claims that the Church of Scientology has designated John Travolta as a Khakhan, which gives him great power, and he can even get away with murder.  ***   However, there are limits. One thing the Church will not tolerate from him is any attempt to bring back disco.

4.   Kim Kardashian has announced that she’s starting a book club.  ***   Members don’t have to actually read each book--they just need to be holding it when they take a selfie.

5.   While arguing about consummating their marriage, a 76 year old man In Lehigh Acres, Florida shot his new bride in the butt.   ***   Experts say it’s the first time that Viagra lasted longer than the marriage.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 10, 1933Hitler proclaims the end of Marxism.  ***  Groucho and Harpo were furious.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1987 – The New York Stock Exchange installs a ladies restroom in the Exchange Luncheon Club.  ***  That’s important, because when the market tanks, men aren’t the only ones who need a place to throw up.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1898John Sherman patents the first automatic envelope folding & gumming machine.   ***   He was subsequently honored as “Man of the Year” by the American Junk Mail Association.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1889Astronomical Society of the Pacific holds its first meeting in San Francisco ***  It had nothing to do with star gazing;  it’s just that the dues were astronomical.

10. On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1996Heidi Fleiss, the “Hollywood Madam,” begins a seven year sentence for running a prostitution ring for celebrities.   ***   It’s hard to avoid jail time when your only character witness is Charlie Sheen.