Friday, January 20, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 20, 2017

1.   Notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman was handed over to American authorities yesterday, and political observers say that day was carefully selected so it would be too soon for Donald Trump to take the credit. ***  And too late for Barack Obama to grant him a pardon.

2.   In Warren, Michigan, two men broke into the home of 70 year-old woman and threatened to kill her cat if she didn’t give them her cash, credit cards and wedding ring.   ***   The cat had a lovely funeral.

3.   A new start-up company, Ambrosia, plans to conduct anti-aging trials on 600 people willing to pay $8,000 to be injected with blood from a Millennial.  ***   The treatment is expected to result in a more youthful appearance, greater proficiency at video games and a strong desire to live in your parents’ basement.

4.   Lindsay Lohan has reportedly converted to Islam.  ***  She is now studying the Quran, praying every day and only using Muslim bail bondsmen.

5.   It has just been announced that Tony Orlando will be performing at the
inaugural ball.   ***    It will be the first performance of his new group, “Tony Orlando and Dawn-ald.” (groan)

6.   President Obama’s dog Sunny recently bit a visitor at the White House.  ***   The poor victim had unwittingly uttered the dog’s secret attack command, “Donald.” 

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 20, 1930The first radio broadcast of "The Lone Ranger" takes place on WXYZ in Detroit.  ***  It was the last day of employment, however, for the staffer with the bright idea of bringing galloping horses into the studio. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 19, 1785The first manned flight in Ireland takes place using a balloon filled with hydrogen…***…and a pilot filled with Guinness.   

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 18, 1919 – The Peace Congress opens in Versailles, France, for the purpose of bringing a formal end to the first world war.   ***   So everyone could start preparing for the next one.  

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 17, 1871The cable car is patented by Andrew Hallidie, although it doesn’t begin service until 1873.  ***  It took him two years to perfect the sound of the bell.

Friday, January 13, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 13, 2017

1.   In a special White House ceremony on Thursday, President Obama surprised V.P. Joe Biden by bestowing upon him America’s highest civilian honor.   ***   One million likes on Facebook?

2.   In Russia, the Health Ministry is considering banning cigarettes entirely in that country.  ***  A spokesman said the move would result in improved health, longer lives and more money to spend on vodka.

3.   Starbucks announced it is dropping “Evenings,” its pilot program with beer and wine.  ***  That’s good—they shouldn’t have been serving alcohol to pilots in the first place.

4.   Last weekend a famous Sequoia tree in California that had its trunk hollowed out for a tunnel in the 1800’s was felled by a major storm.   ***  Al Gore is preparing to deliver the eulogy.

5.   Last week Kim Kardashian revealed on Twitter that she has developed psoriasis.  ***  She is treating it by applying topical creams and putting her selfie camera on a low-res setting.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 13, 1938The Church of England accepts the theory of evolution.  ***  And church leaders proclaimed that their doors are always open to anyone who can walk upright.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1958 – The NCAA football rules committee adds the 2 point conversion option after touchdowns.  ***  Kicked balls still only get 1 point because kickers generally do lousy victory dances.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 11, 2007J. K. Rowling finishes the 7th and final Harry Potter novel in room 552 of the Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh.  ***  The book could have been a bit longer but she stopped writing as soon as the mini-bar ran out.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1956Elvis records "Heartbreak Hotel."  ***  Back then it was a metaphoric place for jilted lovers; these days it’s a hotel that you check into and then find out it doesn’t have wi-fi.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1959"Rawhide" with Clint Eastwood premieres on CBS TV.   ***  In those days his tagline was “Get off my ranch.”

Friday, January 6, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 6, 2017

1.   In Gila Bend, Arizona, a naked woman stole a police car and hit 100 mph during a 75 mile chase.  ***  Gee, the last time we saw something like that was when a Kardashian was late for an MTV Awards party.

2.   Because of leadership conflicts, three separate motorcycle gatherings are being planned for the presidential inauguration, even though the sincere, politically-motivated bikers all share the same conservative philosophy, support of Mr. Trump’s agenda  ***  and the fantasy of Melania riding naked on the back of their Harleys.

3.   Robert Hulseman, inventor of the red Solo cup, has died at the age of 84.   ***   Sadly, he passed away without achieving his dream of getting beer pong into the Olympics.

4.   In Detroit, “Milwaukee Avenue” was recently renamed “Stevie Wonder Avenue.”  ***  It was also designated as an official testing site for self-driving cars.

5.   The Radio City Rockettes and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will be performing at the presidential inauguration.  ***   It will be a bit challenging—they’re still trying to synchronize high kicks with the “Hallelujah Chorus.”

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 6, 1914The brokerage firm Merrill-Lynch is founded.  ***  You know, it’s really hard to imagine that era – Stockbrokers without BMW’s.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 5, 1896Wilhelm Roentgen's discovery of X-Rays is first reported by the Austrian newspaper "Wiener Presse."  ***  Upon hearing the news, people around the world were astounded that anyone would name a newspaper “Wiener Presse.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 4, 1968Leo Fender sells Fender Guitars for $13 million.  ***  He then took the proceeds down to the local bar and went on a real Fender bender.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 3, 1888  The first wax drinking straw is patented by Marvin C. Stone in Washington, D.C.   ***  Appropriately, it was invented in the town where people are most likely to suck up.

10.  On this date in history:  Jan 2, 1570In Russia, Ivan the Terrible begins his march to Novgorod.   ***   Actually, that was in his younger years, when he was just Ivan the Naughty.

Friday, December 23, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 23, 2016

1.   This week snow fell in the Sahara Desert for the first time in 37 years.  ***   In fact, it was so cold the camels had to put anti-freeze in their humps.

2.   According to a recent survey, most Millennials would like to retire by age 62, but 91% of them don’t have a plan to prepare for retirement.  ***  However, they’re pretty sure the first step is to start working.

3.   A city official in Mobile, Alabama, has apologized for cutting down a 50-foot cedar tree in a city park so it could be decorated and used in a Donald Trump “Thank You” rally.  ***   Hey, it could have been worse—it could have been a rally for Al Gore.

4.   According to the Lifescript website, “being ignored” is the number one reason women walk away from a relationship.  ***  Of course, it’s tough for a guy to argue when it takes him three days to realize she’s gone.

5.   After seeing how well Khloe Kardashian cared for Lamar Odom when he was in the hospital, the rest of the Kardashian family changed their wills to make her their medical advisor if they become incapacitated.  ***  They’ve all given Khloe authority to pull the plug as soon as their good looks start to fade.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 23, 1986 – The experimental airplane Voyager, piloted by Dick Rutan & Jeana Yeager, completes the first nonstop round-the-world flight.  ***  The amazing flight proved once and for all that people can travel completely around the world without stopping to buy souvenirs.

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 22, 2001 –  On a flight from Paris to Miami, Richard Reid attempts to ignite explosives hidden in the sole of his shoe.  ***  He had reached the point where he’d try anything to cure his plantar fasciitis.

8.   On this date in history:  Dec 21, 1951 –  Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement.  ***  Where has he gone?

9.   On this date in history:  Dec 20, 1924 –  Adolf Hitler is released from jail early.   ***  Famous last words from the parole board: “So, what’s the worst that could happen?”

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 19, 1777 –  George Washington settles his troops at Valley Forge for the winter.  ***  The soldiers accepted the harsh living conditions, but hated it when George kept singing “Walking in a winter wonderland...”

Friday, December 16, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 16, 2016

1.   Kanye West recently met with Donald Trump and left the meeting in good spirits.  ***   Unfortunately, the next day Mr. Trump had to call Kanye with some bad news after aides informed him that there is no Secretary of Hip-Hop.

2.   The United Nations has dropped comic book superhero Wonder Woman as an Honorary Ambassador after receiving a petition complaining that she was “a large-breasted white woman of impossible proportions, scantily clad in a shimmery, thigh-baring body suit with an American flag motif and knee high boots.”  ***  Disgruntled signers of the petition included Nancy, Little Orphan Annie, Cathy, Broom-Hilda, Lois, Mrs. Wilson and Opal.  

3.   A 109 year old woman in Lincoln County, Colorado says her secret to a long life is to be nice to others.  ***  Yeah, it’s probably easy to be nice to people when you know you’re going to outlive them.

4.   The Trump team is denying that Russian hackers could have influenced the results of the U.S. presidential election.  ***   I don’t know…I heard that in 2020 Vladimir Putin plans to run as an independent.  

5.   As previously reported, Prince William revealed that his wife, Kate Middleton, fights stress with adult coloring books.  ***  Prince Charles has now revealed that Camilla does, too; he said she rolls them up and whacks the servants.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 16, 1773 – The Boston Tea Party takes place.  ***  Having heard rumors of the upcoming event, dozens of colonial women show up wearing little black dresses.

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 15, 1854 – The first street-cleaning machine in the U.S. is used in Philadelphia.  ***  It was designed to sweep up drug dealers, bums and hookers.

8.     On this date in history:  Dec 14, 1986 – The Voyager aircraft, piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager, takes off from Edwards AFB in California for the first non-stop, non-refueled flight around world.  ***  Departure was delayed, however, when they had to take off their flight suits for the TSA patdown.

9.     On this date in history:  Dec 13, 1950James Dean begins his career with an appearance in a Pepsi commercial.  ***  In those days he was known as “Rebel Without a Coke.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 12, 1937NBC & RCA send the first TV news vans onto the streets of New York.  ***   The following day, NBC and RCA news departments announce the first reported theft of TV news vans.

Friday, December 9, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 9, 2016

1.   Delta Airlines has begun serving complimentary meals in the main cabin on selected flights on a trial basis.  ***   They hope the results will be better than their previous program, Passenger Potluck.  (The concept was good, but everyone just brought a big bag of chips.)

2.   In Glendale, Arizona, police are searching for a gunman who injured two people inside a Wal-Mart and then escaped.  ***  Several Wal-Mart shoppers ran after the guy but were unable to catch him, since they were all wearing flip-flops.

3.   According to a recent survey by the Red Cross, 46% of Americans feel that under certain circumstances torture is morally acceptable.  ***   The other 54% disagree and say they shouldn’t be forced to watch all those Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. 

4.   2,300 scientists, including 22 Nobel Prize winners, wrote a letter to Donald Trump urging him to formulate policies based on solid scientific facts.  ***  Mr. Trump agreed and said he will only consider findings that have been documented in respected scientific journals, such as “Twitter.”

5.   A photo of Donald Trump in a stiff breeze revealed that the short end of his tie was secured to the back of the tie with a couple strips of Scotch tape.  ***   A Trump spokesman later said the president-elect was embarrassed by the revelation and had promised to immediately switch to American tape.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 9, 1878 Joseph Pulitzer buys the St. Louis Dispatch for $2,500.  ***  Of course, in today’s Internet world, people have a hard time believing that newspapers were once worth that much. 

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 8, 1863 – Abraham Lincoln announces his plan for Reconstruction of the South.  ***  It included a wide variety of retirement communities, theme parks and golf courses. 

8.   On this date in history:  Dec 7, 1965 – The Roman Catholic and Greek Orthodox churches formally reconcile themselves by reversing a mutual excommunication of each other, dating back to the year 1054.   ***   Afterwards, there was a huge celebration when they learned that 911 years was a new world record for holding a grudge. 

9.   On this date in history:  Dec 6, 1990 – Shoeless Joe Jackson's signature is sold for $23,100.  ***  Sadly, with that money he could have bought some really nice shoes.

10.  On this date in history:  Dec 5, 1932German physicist Albert Einstein is granted a U.S. visa.  ***   On the application form he entered his occupation as “Genius.” 

Friday, December 2, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 2, 2016

1.   Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz announced that he will step down from his position but will stay on as executive chairman and focus on the most critical strategic issues, such as innovation, social impact   ***  and the design of Starbuck’s annual holiday cup.

2.   By using an MRI machine to study people’s brain response, researchers at the University of Utah found that intense religious experiences trigger the same part of the brain as drinking, drugs and sex.  ***  Wow—that MRI machine must have been huge.

3.   A 700-foot Krishna temple under construction in India will be the tallest religious structure in the world.  ***  Well, at least the tallest one financed entirely with funds solicited at airports.

4.   Researchers at Emory University found that dogs prefer belly rubs over treats.  ***  This discovery led to the Emory University Diet—you’re not allowed to eat much, but you get your belly rubbed all day long.

5.   Police in Utica, Michigan arrested a 74 year old man for impersonating a dentist.  ***  Several witnesses reportedly saw him wearing gold chains, driving a Lamborghini and trying to pick up beautiful young women.

6.   On this date in history:  Dec 2, 2014 – Stephen Hawking claims that artificial intelligence is a "threat to mankind" and could spell the end of the human race.  ***  Although he did admit it will be tough for mankind to choose between artificial intelligence and no intelligence whatsoever.

7.   On this date in history:  Dec 1, 1929 – Edwin S. Lowe invents the game of Bingo.  ***   It was the only way he could get his elderly mother out of house on Tuesday evenings.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 30, 1981 – Porn star John Holmes is arrested on fugitive charges   ***   He’s still the only felon whose wanted poster was X-rated.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 29, 1942 – The U.S. begins rationing coffee.  ***  To get a coffee voucher, people had to prove that they needed to wake up in the  morning.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 28, 1933 – A Dallas grand jury delivers a murder indictment against Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow.   ***  The jury also pointed out that the pair’s exploits would make a heck of a movie.