Friday, September 15, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 15, 2017

1.   Motel 6 says it will no longer share guest lists with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency.  ***   And Tom Bodett said he won’t leave a light on for them, either.

2.   After a customer at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Dearborn, Michigan complained about his food, the manager reached through the car window and attacked him.  ***  You know it’s a rough neighborhood when McDonald’s offers drive-thru beatings.

3.   According to online advice from mental health experts, there are seven ways to tell if you’re dating a psychopath.  ***   #1:  Their profile has the word “psychopath.”

4.   Amazon is planning to build a second headquarters and one of the possible locations is Detroit.  ***   The operation will focus on a new service, Amazon Crime.

5.   A New York City man was hospitalized after a motorist ran over his foot then came back and shot him twice in the leg.   ***   I believe it’s a new vigilante group enforcing the “Do Not Walk” signals.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 15, 1894 – Japan defeats China in the Battle of Ping Yang.  ***   However, the next day the Chinese were victorious in a Battle of Ping Pong.

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 14, 1938 – Graf Zeppelin II, the world's largest airship, makes its maiden flight.   ***  In keeping with the design theme, it featured inflatable flight attendants.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 13, 1977 – Because of its raunchy content, the soap opera parody “Soap” becomes the first TV show to have a viewer discretion warning. ***  It seems ironic that the dirtiest show on TV was named “Soap.” 

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 12, 1959 – The TV series "Bonanza" premieres.   ***   Viewers loved the theme song, admired Ben Cartwright’s full head of hair and felt sorry for the horse that had to carry Hoss.

10.  On this date in history:  Sep 11, 1609 – Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island.   ***  Duh…just go to Brooklyn and then cross the bridge.

Friday, September 8, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 8, 2017

1.   A woman is suing the state of New York because her husband was fired from his state job, became despondent and lost all interest in sex.   ***   However, a few days later she found a handsome hunk ringing her doorbell, and was suddenly grateful that she had signed up for the little-known Obamacare Platinum Plan.  

2.   Federal investigators say that Tennessee law enforcement organizations illegally used seized criminal money to buy catered food.  ***  This was a clear violation of established guidelines--Tennessee is only allowed to use such funds for the purchase of bourbon.

3.   Sir Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Airlines, announced that he plans to ride out Hurricane Irma in his wine cellar.  ***  I think that’s a really cool idea, especially since he lives in London.

4.   Five nurses at Denver’s Health Medical Center were suspended after they heard about the size of a deceased man’s private parts and opened the body bag to take a look.   ***  You know, it’s pretty impressive when a guy can make a “provocative bulge” on a body bag. (I realize the poor fellow was dead, but I still hope they were careful when they zipped it back up.)

5.   Lego announced it will be terminating 1,400 employees.   ***  Unfortunately, the company received word that the government has rejected its design proposal for the Mexico border wall.  (Too bad--not only would it have been extremely colorful, but the whole thing could have been built by 6 year olds.)

6.   Tesla founder Elon Musk is predicting that competition for leadership in artificial intelligence will lead to World War III.  ***   He said that artificial intelligence will be essential for any country run by politicians.

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 8, 1920 – U.S. Air Mail begins, with service from New York to San Francisco.  ***  That early system wasn’t too efficient—they’d take mailmen with their bags loaded and put them on the plane.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 7, 1981 – “People's Court,” with Judge Wapner, premieres on TV.   ***   Thanks to this unique show, people with trivial problems, pathetic excuses and a whining demeanor can also have the disgrace of losing their case in front of a million viewers.     

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 6, 1628 – Puritans land at Salem, Massachusetts.   ***  Most of them arrived by ship, but apparently a few flew in on brooms.

10.  On this date in history:  Sep 5, 1882 – In New York City, 10,000 workers march in the first Labor Day parade.  ***  Thousands of police were on hand to arrest anyone violating the new fashion rule by still wearing summer white.

Friday, September 1, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 1, 2017

1.   As a result of Amazon’s purchase of Whole Foods, the grocery retailer has begun selling the Amazon Echo.  ***  Actually, it’s a special Whole Foods version, which can be found in the produce section and comes in the shape of a mango.

2.   A Japanese company has configured the humanoid robot "Pepper" to function as a Buddhist priest at funerals by chanting sutras while tapping a drum.  ***  It will also be available for weddings and receptions as soon as they figure out how to program the Chicken Dance.

3.   President Trump has lifted Obama-era restrictions on police, including the ban on the use of surplus military equipment…  ***  …and the daily limit of two donuts.

4.   According to a study by two universities in England, neurotic people tend to live longer.   ***   But thanks to a merciful God, the people who have to listen to them die early.

5.   During the recent renovation at the White House, the carpeting was renewed at a cost of $1.2 million.  ***   That’s a lot of money, but when so many staffers are getting called on the carpet I guess you want it to look good.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 1, 1836 – A wagon train of Presbyterian missionaries reaches the site of what became Walla Walla, Washington.  ***   The journey taught them to follow their dreams, be persistent and never let a two-year old name a city.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1954 – The Census Bureau is established.  ***  Apparently some people felt that a population estimate of “a gazillion” just wasn’t accurate enough.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1979 – President Carter is attacked by a rabbit while on a canoe trip.   ***  Yes, political figures are often harassed by the hop-arazzi.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1967 – The final episode of "The Fugitive" is broadcast.  ***  Millions of viewers feel a little bit guilty for not having any sympathy for the guy with one arm. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 28, 1907 – United Parcel Service begins operations (in Seattle).  ***  In one of the earliest examples of establishing brand identity, they only used brown horses.

Friday, August 25, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 25, 2017

1.   In Saudi Arabia, a 14 year old boy was arrested for dancing the Macarena in public while crossing the street.   ***   Officials acknowledged that a lot of adults do that contrived and silly dance, but said a 14 year old should know better.

2.   Starbucks is test marketing a sushi burrito.  ***   It’s not very good, but their plan is to make a killing by selling beverages to wash it down. 

3.   Two members of the Kennedy clan—the son and granddaughter of Robert and Ethyl—were arrested for disorderly conduct after refusing to turn down the music at their party.  ***  At their arraignment they were indignant; they both pleaded not guilty and said there has never been a noise ordinance in Camelot.

4.   During yesterday’s eclipse President Trump made the mistake of looking directly at the sun.  ***  After being surrounded by White House advisors for the past seven months he just wasn’t used to seeing anything that bright.

5.   The city of Stamford, Connecticut may make it illegal to walk and text at the same time.   ***  I bet a lot of kids there will decide to give up walking.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 25, 1916 – The Department of the Interior establishes the National Park Service.   ***  They provide valet parking?

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1853 – In Saratoga, New York, chef George Crum prepares the world’s first potato chips.  ***  He then became extremely wealthy by betting friends that they couldn’t eat just one.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1960 – The world's largest frog (7.2 pounds) is caught.  ***  His weight gain was blamed on the unhealthy influence of a Miss Piggy.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1911 – The Mona Lisa is stolen from the Louvre.   ***   Sounds like somebody just wasn’t satisfied with a Mona Lisa coffee mug from the gift shop.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 21, 1841 – John Hampson patents the venetian blind.  ***   According to the patent, it kept out the sun and provided privacy while still letting you peek at the neighbors. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 18, 2017

1.   Authorities in London announced that “Big Ben” will be silent for the next four years while maintenance takes place on the clock’s mechanism and the bell.  ***  They also asked American tourists to please stop referring to it as “The Gong Show.”

2.   After being found guilty of falsely selling rings under the Tiffany name, Costco has been ordered to pay Tiffany & Co. $19 million.   ***  And when women find out their “Tiffany” engagement rings were actually bought at Costco, their husbands will be paying for the rest of their lives.

3.   In a speech to sailors on the USS Kentucky, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis praised them and said, “You won’t be laying on a shrink’s couch when you’re 45 years old asking, ‘What the hell did I do with my life?’ ”  ***  He said there’s no way that sort of therapy would ever be covered by VA benefits.

4.   The international hacking group known as “Anonymous” has announced that it will begin attacking white supremacist websites.  ***  Well, Anonymous is really making a name for itself.

5.   Kim Kardashian has been criticized for putting her 20-month old son, Saint, in a forward-facing car seat.  ***  I agree—the kid isn’t nearly old enough to see some of those outfits his mother wears. (Really, he should be in a rear-facing seat or, preferably, blindfolded.)

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 18, 1961 – Construction on the Berlin Wall is completed.   ***  Apparently they didn’t have a building permit, because a few years later some guy named Reagan told them to tear it down. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1918 – Samuel Riddle buys Man o'War for $5,000.   ***   It’s interesting that there were no offers for the horse’s brother, Man o’Peace.  

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1984 – A Los Angeles federal jury acquits auto maker John Z. DeLorean on cocaine charges.  ***  But, he was found guilty of the more serious charge of selling a car that was under-powered and over-priced. 

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1620 – The Mayflower sets sail from Southampton with 102 Pilgrims.   ***  Not a bad turnout for the first cruise sold through Travelocity. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1842 – The Seminole War ends and the Indians are relocated from Florida to Oklahoma.  ***   However, they were allowed to return to Florida after reaching the age of 65.

Friday, August 11, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 11, 2017

1.   A New York City bakery has teamed up with the Ruffino winery to make “prosecco donuts” for wine lovers.  ***   They’ll be sold in a new chain, Drunken Donuts.

2.   The U.S. plans to put a tariff on aluminum foil from China.  ***   However, the White House said an exemption will be granted for the fashionable Ivanka line of microwave-resistant headwear.

3.   Justin Bieber was spotted taking part in a practice round and getting advice from elite golfers at a PGA golf tournament in North Carolina this week.   ***   He wants to improve his swing for hitting drives, chip shots and paparazzi.

4.   A man in Roseville, Michigan says a Tim Horton’s employee slammed the drive-thru window on his hand and broke his finger.  ***  I’ll bet that’s the last time he orders the “Wake-Up Special.”

5.   Vice President Mike Pence is denying a New York Times report that he has started a “shadow campaign” to win the presidency in 2020.  ***  In fact, he says he hasn’t even met with the Russians yet.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 11, 1972 – "Cheech & Chong Day" takes place in San Antonio, Texas.  ***   It would be almost a week before people could see the sun again. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1975 – David Frost purchases exclusive rights to interview Nixon.   ***  These days it costs a bit more to interview a former politician; first you have to put up their bail money.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1855 – The Battle of Acapulco takes place in Mexico.  ***   It was the Spring Breakers vs. the Summer Vacationers.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1860 – The queen of the Sandwich Islands arrives in New York City.   ***   She was accompanied by her boyfriend, Jimmy John. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1820 – The first potatoes are planted in Hawaii.   ***   After which the landowner yelled, “I said PINEAPPLES you idiot, PINEAPPLES!”

Friday, August 4, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 1, 2017

1.   The NFL is planning to study marijuana for pain management.  ***  Of course, they’ll have to lift the restriction against smoking in the huddle.

2.   Good news for Sean Spicer: He’s been invited to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.”  ***   The bad news:  His partner will be a motorized podium.

3.   The World Health Organization says that at least three people in the world have been infected with a new “superbug” strain of gonorrhea. ***  Actually, only two cases have been confirmed, but they assume Charlie Sheen will make it three. 

4.   The Hallmark Channel has announced it will debut 33 new Christmas movies this year.  ***  But only 2 new plots.

5.   According the show’s producers, Donald Trump once wanted to voice a character on “The Simpsons,” but was denied.  ***    In a clear act of revenge, the President recently revealed that that rejection is the only reason Homer isn’t the new Chief of Staff at the White House.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 4, 1970 – Jim Morrison is arrested for drunkenness.  ***  He was seen stumbling up to people on the street and asking them to light his fire. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1963 – Allan Sherman releases "Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda," a song about a camper’s letter to his folks.  ***   Of course, today he’d post his complaints on Facebook, send a text to his parents, and then contact Uber to come and take him home. 

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1991 – Funk singer Rick James is arrested and accused of sexual torture.   ***   I believe he was eventually charged with 12 shades of grey.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1991 – Actress Hedy Lamarr, 77, is arrested for shoplifting in Florida.  ***  Fortunately, it was before 4:00 P.M., so she qualified for a reduced fine under Florida’s “Early Bird Special” laws for seniors.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 31, 1970 – Chet Huntley retires from NBC, ending the "Huntley-Brinkley Report."   ***  Actually, he quit in disgust when Brinkley wouldn’t stop trying to get his name first.