Friday, May 15, 2015

Friday, May 15, 2015

1.        Michigan State Senator Virgil Smith shot up his ex-wife’s Mercedes-Benz with a rifle and was subsequently arraigned on a felony firearms charge.  ***  That’s a real shock;  In Michigan, shooting a foreign-made car is usually just a misdemeanor.

2.        Johnny Depp tried to sneak his two dogs into Australia, but quarantine officials caught him and said that because of communicable disease concerns he’d have to ship them out or they’d have to be put down.   ***   As I recall, the same thing happened with Charlie Sheen and his girlfriends.

3.        The new Detroit-Windsor bridge will be named after hockey legend Gordie Howe.  ***  You know, after all the controversy regarding the need for the second bridge, instead of “Howe” it should have been named “Why?”

4.        New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has signed a bill outlawing “coal rolling,” which is modifying diesel trucks so they can belch billowing clouds of black smoke at people with the flick of a switch.  ***  He said that tasteless showing off, obscuring everyone’s vision and leaving people feeling dirty is the job of politicians.

5.        TV health advocate Dr. Oz witnessed a car crash on the New Jersey Turnpike and treated the injured people until an ambulance arrived.  ***  Of course, the victims were extremely grateful…to the paramedics for saving them from an endless lecture on healthy eating, exercise programs, vitamin supplements, personal hygiene…

6.        Pope Francis says God will judge us on whether we took good care of the Earth.   ***  Wait a minute—that’s not in the Ten Commandments…You can’t just change the rules in the middle of the game.

7.        Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn announced their break-up and blamed it on “schedule difficulties,” but it was later revealed that Tiger told Lindsay that he had cheated on her.  ***  I remember when having a second girlfriend was called “two-timing”;  now apparently it’s just a “schedule difficulty.”

8.        At the zoo in Greenville, Wisconsin, someone stole a baby kangaroo from its mother’s pouch.  ***  Police are warning the public to be on the lookout for a really good pickpocket.

9.        “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards has checked into rehab for the fourth time.  ***  Eight more times and she’ll have completed the celebrity version of the 12-step program.

10.     New York City police arrested 13 people who were dealing cocaine out of a pizzeria.    ***  Authorities became suspicious when they noticed employees snorting the marinara sauce. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Friday, May 8, 2015

1.        After 15 years of trying, a 49 year old doctor is finally giving up her quest to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.  ***  However, she’ll continue to do her pom pom routines for Bronze Plan patients who can’t afford surgery.
2.        The Secret Service wants to put a second row of spikes on top of the White House fence to discourage intruders.  ***   Unfortunately, because of budget cuts they’ll just be adding two more “Beware of Dog” signs.  (And they still can’t afford the dog.)
3.        An Iranian cleric says that earthquakes are caused by women who dress revealingly and act promiscuously.   ***   Therefore, contestants in the Miss Iran beauty pageant will now be judged on the Richter scale.
4.        After hearing that 1,600 IRS employees had filed fraudulent tax returns or failed to file, Senator Orrin Hatch said that IRS workers should be held to the same standards as regular taxpayers…   ***  … instead of Congressional standards.
5.        Chrysler is offering free college tuition to all its dealership employees.  ***  Good luck finding a salesman during finals week.
6.        Companies such as Lively and Evermind are offering sensors and a monitoring service paired with a smart phone to help baby boomers keep track of elderly parents who are living independently.  ***  For example, if there’s an indication that a parent has fallen, the son or daughter knows to immediately send a get well card.
7.        McDonald’s has developed a new take-out bag with a bottom portion that serves as a tray when it is detached by pulling off a strip of paper around the bag.  ***  Additionally, that removable strip is marked in inches so you can measure your waistline after the meal.
8.        Dr. Ben Carson has announced his candidacy for president.  ***   Although he’d have a tough time dealing with Congress because, as a neurosurgeon, he usually works with brains.
9.        According to the American Academy of Dermatology, there are some types of rashes for which you should immediately head to the emergency room.  ***  And there are other types of rashes for which you should immediately start thinking up good excuses to tell your spouse.
10.     In Indianapolis, a policewoman helped a pizza delivery man who had a flat tire by driving him to deliver the pizzas.  ***   Of course, the cop didn’t use the lights or siren, which are only for emergencies—like delivering donuts.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Friday, May 1, 2015

1.        Thursday was National Honesty Day.  ***   In observance of the occasion, Congress was closed.

2.        The book, “Love Your Job – The New Rules for Career Happiness,” offers tips for people who want to start a new career after age 50.   ***   Tip #1:  Get really good at saying, “Hi, welcome to WalMart.”

3.        A Florida man who took the mind-altering drug flakka ran naked through a Fort Lauderdale neighborhood, tried to have sex with a tree and then told police he was the mythical god Thor.  ***  Hey, if you tried to have sex with a tree you’d be thor too.

4.        Some breweries in Oregon are planning to make beer from sewer water.  ***  Tip: Stay away from Oregon breweries with restrooms on the second floor.

5.        In Saudi Arabia, leadership positions such as foreign minister, crown prince and deputy crown prince have been re-shuffled among members of the royal family as the result of long term strategies, security considerations ***  and a really intense session of rock-paper-scissors.

6.        In a shocking speech, physicist Stephen Hawking said he expects the human race to die out during the next thousand years.  ***  Hey, if that’ll get rid of the Kardashians, I’m all for it.

7.        Pope Francis ordained 19 new priests last weekend and told them, “May your homilies not be boring.”  ***  He then reminded them that there are still a few openings in the Vatican’s stand-up comedy class.

8.        Three passengers lapsed into unconsciousness on a SkyWest flight from Chicago to Connecticut.   ***   Airline officials said it was a new perk for anyone with enough frequent flier miles.

9.        In launching her new line of JC Penny home furnishings, Eva Longoria said she sets a romantic mood in the bedroom with vibrant colors, candles and a sexy partner.  ***   The colors are from JC Penny’s Linen Department, the candles are from Accessories and the sexy partner is from Brad, from Accounting.

10.     Chinese officials are cracking down on the recent practice of featuring strippers at funerals.   ***   They’ve instructed all law enforcement personnel to be on the lookout for headstones with brass poles.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Friday, April 24, 2015

1.        Mary Doyle Keefe, who posed for Norman Rockwell’s painting, “Rosie the Riveter,” has passed away at the age of 92.  ***   Actually, old riveters never die; they just get hammered.

2.        In Britain, the number of women becoming nuns has hit a 25-year high, and they say it’s because the Catholic church offers them everything they need:  A meaningful life, freedom from financial worry  *** and a really good dental plan.

3.        McDonald’s just revealed that it has already closed 350 locations this year, a move which was not previously announced.  ***  I think they should have at least told all those people lined up at the drive-thru.

4.        Target officials have apologized for web site snafus during the rush for the limited supply of Lilly Pulitzer resort clothing.  ***  On the other hand, WalMart is still struggling to unload its supply of Charlie Sheen designer flip-flops.

5.        Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, has died at the age of 14.  ***  An autopsy showed that the poor dog died from excessive exposure to pink.

6.        Nine distillery workers in Kentucky were arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of premium bourbon in oak barrels.  ***  The thieves are expected to be sentenced to several years of aging.

7.        At 39 years old, actress Charlize Theron says that women should embrace the aging process.  ***  In fact, she says looks forward to being 39 for many years to come.

8.        According to the web site, the most popular name for cats is Lily.  ***  Although most cats will respond to the popular nickname, GetOffTheCounterDammit!

9.        A Catholic priest in Ann Arbor is urging parishioners to arm themselves, and his church is hosting a concealed pistol license class. ***  Well, it looks like things might get a little more exciting on bingo night.

10.     A group of doctors is demanding that TV celebrity “Dr. Oz” be removed from his faculty position at Columbia University because of his “disdain for evidence-based medicine.”  ***  Additionally, the doctors wish to inform Dr. Oz that the Neilson Ratings are not considered evidence.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Friday, Apr 17, 2015

1.        A Detroit police officer has been arrested for a drive-by shooting  ***  …or, as they call it in Detroit, distracted driving.

2.        “Real Housewives” star Kim Richards was arrested after a drunken rage at the famous Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills and was charged with resisting arrest, battery of a police officer   ***  and failing to wait until the cameras were rolling.

3.        A Florida man landed his one-man gyrocopter on Capitol Hill in order to bring attention to “bi-partisan corruption” in Congress.  ***  Of course, that’s ridiculous. This Congress doesn’t do anything bi-partisan.

4.        Nine of the Atlanta school teachers accused of cheating to raise standardized test scores have been given jail sentences.  ***  Also, a note was sent home to their parents.

5.        Singer Percy Sledge has died at the age of 74.   ***   He is survived by his son, MC Hammer.

6.        A survey in Britain reveals that most people lie on a first date--men lie about their income and women lie about their age—but by the third date they start being honest.   ***   The survey also showed that there aren’t many fourth dates.

7.        U.S. officials filed a protest after an American reconnaissance aircraft was intercepted by a Russian jet in an unsafe manner.  ***   You know, those Russian pilots just never got over the opening scene of “Top Gun.”

8.        As Californians look for ways to conserve water, they are finding they need to make some big sacrifices.  ***   Water Conservation Tip #1: Drink scotch without water.  Water Conservation Tip #2: Drink enough of it that you don’t care about the sacrifices.

9.        Lindsay Lohan, who has moved to England to relax for a while, was furious when she found out her mother, Dina, is coming there to star in a TV show.  ***  After all, Lindsay has her pride, and she insists on being the first Lohan thrown into a British jail.

10.     An off-duty Secret Service agent was arrested last week for breaking into his ex-girlfriend’s home.  ***  This goes against everything the Secret Service stands for: Misbehaving while on duty.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Friday, Apr 3, 2015

1.        President Obama has been dismayed by the government downfall in Yemen, as well as the rebel setbacks in Syria and the outcome of the Israeli elections.  ***  You know, his Middle East Region bracket picks just aren’t doing well at all. (But he’s still hoping the U.S. makes it to the Final Four.)

2.        To reduce car-bike accidents, Volvo engineers have developed a new paint that makes bicycles more visible at night.  ***  And, they’ve added an audible warning by designing an extra loud baseball card to rub on the spokes.

3.        President Obama has shortened the prison sentences of 22 inmates serving time for drug offenses.  ***  Actually, he just recalculated their sentences using Common Core math.

4.        The State Department says it could only find four e-mails sent by Hilary Clinton regarding military drones.  ***  And in each case the Pentagon refused her request to target Monica Lewinsky.

5.        Gary Dahl, creator of the Pet Rock, has died at the age of 78.  ***  His family didn’t disclose his final wishes, but they did say they were looking for some really strong pallbearers.

6.        After six years of togetherness, Susan Sarandon and Jonathan Bricklin are splitting up.  They first met when he was only 31 and she was 62.  ***  Which gave a whole new meaning to the term “double dating.”

7.        Solar Impulse 2, a solar-powered plane on an around-the-world flight, has successfully made it to China.  The aircraft is an engineering marvel, with 17,000 solar panels, a 236 foot wingspan *** and adequate legroom.

8.        Some people think the new Barbie doll—which is connected to Wi-Fi so it can talk with little girls—is a bad idea.  ***  Yes, when those little girls grow up they’ll think they can just hook their husband up to Wi-Fi and actually carry on a conversation.

9.        It appears that a 180 year-old locomotive might be buried under Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn.  ***   City workers have heard an underground voice that keeps saying, “I think I can…I think I can…”

10.     Yelp reviews indicate the best restaurants for waffles are in California and Oregon.  ***  But the very best waffling is still up on Capitol Hill.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday, Mar 27, 2015

1.        With his recent weight gain and strange behavior, Robert Kardashian is not enjoying fame and good fortune like his sisters and mother.  ***  Yes, it’s sad when even a Kardashian can’t keep up with the Kardashians.

2.        Researchers at MIT and Harvard have found that although older people are more knowledgeable, people in their early 20’s can process information more quickly.  ***  In other words, younger folks can make bad decisions really fast.

3.        Actress Eva Mendes says women wearing sweatpants is the number one cause of divorce.  ***  And men wearing sweatpants is the number one result of alimony.

4.        First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on “Jeopardy” to promote her favorite cause, “Let’s Move.”  ***  And, in less than two years, she will.

5.        In an interview with The Huffington Post, David Hasselhoff revealed that his closet holds several sacks of chunks of the Berlin Wall. ***  They’re sitting right next to his collection of buckets of seawater from Baywatch.

6.        Ted Cruz used Twitter to announce that he’s running for president, and many more candidates are expected to follow.  ***  The difference between Twitter and the presidential race is that Twitter is limited to 140 characters.

7.        Some people believe Pope Francis performed a miracle in Naples when he kissed a vessel containing a saint’s dried blood and it turned to liquid.  ***  That’s nothing—he can say a few choice words to conservative cardinals and make their blood boil.

8.        While driving in Southern California, David Crosby of Crosby, Stills and Nash hit and injured a jogger. ***   “You…who are on the road…WATCH OUT!”

9.        In her upcoming book, Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend and a star of “The Girls Next Door,” says that life was not all wonderful and she once found herself alone in a bathtub, thinking of ending it all.  ***  People have been shocked by this disclosure.  They had no idea that Playboy women were ever alone in the bathtub.

10.     This past Sunday, hundreds of people in England witnessed the proper burial of the recently discovered remains of Richard III, who was known as the “Hunchback King.”  ***  However, many felt he should have been buried on a Wednesday.