Wednesday, May 25, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 27, 2016 -- HIATUS!

Sorry, but Bill's Pills is on hiatus for an extended Memorial Day weekend.  

We'll resume next week (Friday, June 3)

Regards,

Bill Mihalic

Friday, May 20, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 20, 2016

1.   Donald Trump has threatened to sue the New York Times for its articles criticizing his degrading treatment of women.  ***  In a scathing attack, he said he can prove that he degrades men and women equally. 

2.   A study by Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center has found that 45% of heart attack victims have “silent” heart attacks which don’t have the classic symptoms of arm numbness and chest pain.  ***  That’s good, because that means you can finish your beer and burger and you won’t ruin happy hour for everyone around you.

3.   Mariah Carey told Entertainment Tonight that no one is going to sing at her upcoming wedding because nobody is good enough.  ***  She said that guy who turns water into wine at wedding feasts can show up if he wants, but only if he promises not to sing.

4.   A Massachusetts man has become the first in the U.S. to receive a new sex organ transplanted from a donor.  ***  The donor’s name was not disclosed, but the patient says he now has a strange urge to enter a decathlon.   

5.   Author Ian Halperin, who has written a book about the Kardashians, says that Caitlyn Jenner is considering de-transitioning back to a man.  ***  He said that Caitlyn is very happy as a woman, but all those new public restroom rules are just too confusing.

6.   On this date in history:  May 20, 1940 – Igor Sikorsky unveils his newly invented helicopter.  ***  He said its primary purpose was to help report traffic conditions in the morning. 

7.   On this date in history:  May 19, 1898 – The Post Office authorizes the use of postcards.  ***   For Millennials:  Postcards are how people bragged about vacations before Facebook.  

8.   On this date in history:  May 18, 1965 – Gene Roddenberry suggests 16 names, including “Kirk,” for the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise in Star Trek.  ***  Fortunately, “Crunch” and “Kangaroo” were already taken.

9.   On this date in history:  May 17, 1733 – England imposes an additional tariff by passing the Molasses Act. ***  It was basically a tax on people who move too slow.


10.  On this date in history:  May 16, 1966 – The Beach Boys release "Pet Sounds."  ***  I believe their favorite sound was “Ka-ching!”

Friday, May 13, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 13, 2016

1.  Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris has been showing off her new tongue piercing.  ***  To avoid any difficulties or confusion, she’s having her name legally changed to Parith.

2.  McDonald’s says it is facing shortages as it test markets a popular new menu item, “Gilroy Garlic Fries.”  ***  They have enough fries, salt and ketchup, but they’re running out of breath mints.

3.  In Texas, the McKinney School District plans to spend $63 million to build the most expensive high school football stadium in the U.S.  ***  A spokesman says that sounds like a lot, but they can easily raise the money with only 25,000 bake sales.

4.  In a wedding ceremony in Colombia, a Peruvian environmentalist married a 1,000 year old tree.  ***  That’s unbelievable.  I mean, wow—what an age difference.

5.  Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne are divorcing after 33 years of marriage amid rumors that Ozzy was having an affair with a hairstylist.  ***  Sharon says his cheating is entirely unacceptable, although she admits that his hair has never looked better.

6.  On this date in history:  May 13, 1940 – Winston Churchill proclaims, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” ***  His wife then turned to him in the pew and said, “Shut up and throw some money in the basket.”

7.  On this date in history:  May 12, 1641 – Prince Willem II, age 14, marries English princess Henriette Mary Stuart, age 9.  ***  It was the first time in history that the bridal registry was at Toys ’R Us. 

8.  On this date in history:  May 11, 1864 – Confederate General J.E.B. Stuart is mortally wounded in the Battle of Yellow Tavern.   ***  Gee, I hope it wasn’t during happy hour.

9.  On this date in history:  May 10, 1752 – Benjamin Franklin conducts his first test with a lightning rod.  ***  Tragically, it involved a stripper and outdoor pole dancing.   


10. On this date in history:  May 9, 1945 – The new balata baseball is used in a game for the first time and it is 50% livelier.  ***  The ball, that is.  The game is still boring.

Friday, May 6, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, May 6, 2016

1.  The Rolling Stones have asked Donald Trump to stop using their songs in his campaign.  ***  The aging Stones warned Mr. Trump that although they might not remember all their songs, they’ll know them when they hear them.

2.  The FBI has arrested a Michigan man for sprinkling a mixture of hand soap and rat poison on fruit and vegetables at several grocery stores in Ann Arbor.   ***   It could have been worse; he could have sprinkled them with water from Flint.

3.  In Philadelphia, police arrested a man dressed as Jesus who refused to leave an Apple store.  ***  Apple management was furious and said if someone wants to play God they should dress up as Steve Jobs.

4.  There has been strong criticism in response to a photo of Justin Bieber posing next to a tiger that was restrained by a thick chain.  ***   In the interest of public safety, most people feel Mr. Bieber should be the one on a leash.

5.  A woman is suing Starbucks for $5 million because a 24-ounce iced drink has only 14 ounces of the actual drink and the remainder is ice.  ***  In a customer-friendly gesture, Starbucks told the woman she can now get 24 ounces of the drink in the cup and hold out her hand for the ice.

6.  On this date in history:  May 6, 1957 – The Pulitzer Prize is awarded to John F. Kennedy for “Profiles in Courage.”  *** Surprisingly, he did not get similar accolades for his sequel, “Profiles in Philandering.”

7.  On this date in history:  May 5, 1816 – The American Bible Society is organized in New York. ***  It’s like a Book of the Month Club, except that every month it’s the same book.

8.  On this date in history:  May 4, 1626 – The Indians sell Manhattan Island for only $24 in cloth & buttons.  ***  And that was before deducting the three button realtor fee. 

9.  On this date in history:  May 3, 1991 – The final episode of Dallas is aired.  ***  Everyone was amazed that in 356 episodes JR only got shot once.


10. On this date in history:  May 2, 1988 – Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose is suspended for 30 days for pushing an umpire.  ***  Actually, he was suspended for placing a bet on whether or not the ump would push back.

Friday, April 29, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 29, 2016

1.    Darren Huston, CEO of discount travel agency Priceline, resigned after it was revealed that he had an improper relationship with a female employee.  ***   Company investigators found that when he took her on vacation he paid full price for the tickets.

2.    Detroit officials announced plans to build a soccer stadium on the site of the ill-fated, unfinished Wayne County Jail project.   ***   That’s perfect.  Now the soccer players will have a first-class playing field and, instead of jail, convicted criminals can be punished by being forced to watch every single game.

3.    According to Psychology Today, dogs hate being hugged because it immobilizes them and raises their stress levels.  ***   If you really want to show your dog how much you love it, you should get down on your hands and knees and sniff its butt.

4.    According to a study published in the journal “Cerebral Cortex,” applying an electric current to the frontopolar cortex of the brain can make a person more creative.  ***  In fact, in the laboratory tests the subjects came up with some really novel ways to get revenge on the researcher who had applied the electric current.

5.    Hershey has introduced a new Hershey Kiss flavor that is sold only in Wal-Mart stores.   ***   It’s the first candy made to taste like chewing tobacco.

6.    On this date in history:  Apr 29, 1553 – A Flemish woman introduces the practice of starching linen into England.  ***  The English people were in a foul mood for months, until they realized it shouldn’t be used for underwear.

7.     On this date in history:  Apr 28, 1942 – The war is given the moniker "WWII" as the result of a Gallup Poll.  ***  That’s what we call a “modified democracy;” citizens don’t decide if their country goes to war, but they get to name it.

8.    On this date in history:  Apr 27, 1937 – The U.S. Social Security system makes its first benefit payment.  ***   Seniors across the country were grateful and had only one question: “So, how soon can we buy lottery tickets?”

9.    On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1941 – A musical tradition begins when the Chicago Cubs feature the first organ at a baseball stadium.  ***  It worked out so much better than the harp. 

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1792 – In France, the guillotine is first used in the execution of highwayman Nicolas Pelletier.  ***  Advantages: Fast…efficient…shorter coffin.

Friday, March 11, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 11, 2016

1.    A man in New York City has placed an ad looking for someone to take his pet turtle for a walk every day.   ***   It’s basically just a 12-step program.

2.    Disney just announced that it expects to lose $75 million on the sea-rescue movie “The Finest Hours.”  ***  Previously, the biggest financial loss for moviemakers in 2016 was the Erin Andrews video.

3.    In the latest presidential debate, Hillary Clinton said she was wrong in supporting a 1994 crime bill that resulted in longer prison sentences and cutbacks in inmate education.  ***  She apologized for having supported a bill that penalized so many fellow politicians.

4.    This past weekend Lindsay Lohan posted a picture of an unidentified mystery man on Instagram with the comment, “I love him.”   ***   Let me guess—bail bondsman. 

5.    Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of e-mail, has died suddenly at the age of 74.  ***  According to the coroner, cause of death was having broken a chain letter.

6.    On this date in history:  Mar 11, 1302 – Romeo & Juliet's wedding day, according to Shakespeare.  ***  I wonder if everyone got their gifts back.

7.    On this date in history:  Mar 10, 1971 – The Senate approves the amendment lowering the voting age to 18.   ***   This gives millions more Americans the opportunity to show their ambivalence. 

8.    On this date in history:  Mar 9, 1796 – Napoleon Bonaparte marries Josephine de Beauharnais. ***  It was the last time anyone saw the minister, who made the unfortunate comment, “I assume you’d like this ceremony to be short.”

9.    On this date in history:  Mar 8, 1994 – The Defense Department announces a smoking ban in all workplaces.   ***  Soldiers are happy to learn that a war zone is not considered a workplace.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 7, 1933 – The game "Monopoly" is invented.   ***  It teaches young children the principles of handling money, investing in properties and driving your best friends bankrupt.  


Friday, March 4, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 4, 2016

1.      Vatican protocol has been changed and the pope will now greet divorced presidents or prime ministers and their current wives at the same time, rather than have the wife wait in a separate area.  ***  Vatican officials had previously asked second wives to wait in the trophy room.

2.      In yesterday’s GOP presidential debate in Detroit, Donald Trump said he is now in favor of H1B visas because we need to bring in highly skilled people when the U.S. lacks sufficient talent for certain jobs.  ***  Like president.

3.      Blake Shelton, who split from Miranda Lambert, sent out a series of drunken tweets, went through rehab, took up with Gwen Stefani and just bought Ms. Stefani a pony, is launching his own liquor, Smithworks Vodka.  ***  I believe the product’s tag line is, “Smithworks…even when your brain doesn’t.”

4.      Donald Trump initially refused to disavow endorsement by David Duke, former leader of the KKK, and people were shocked that someone would even want to be associated with a person who was openly racist, hateful and contrary to so many American values.  ***  But, I’m sure Mr. Duke had his reasons.

5.      Wal-Mart is being sued because its “Grated Parmesan Cheese” reportedly contains up to 10% products derived from wood chips.  ***  Faced with this legal action, Wal-Mart has agreed to replace the term “Grated” with “Sawed and Sanded.”

6.      On this date in history:  Mar 4, 1997 – President Clinton bans federally funded human cloning research.   ***  The researchers had refused to make a clone of Monica.

7.      On this date in history:  Mar 2, 1923 – Time magazine debuts.  ***  Management can’t decide whether to go with “Man of the Year” or an annual “Swimsuit” issue.

8.      On this date in history:  Mar 2, 1950 – Silly Putty is invented.  ***  It’s a mystery to today’s kids, who keep looking for the “on” button. 

9.      On this date in history:  Mar 1, 1962 – The first K-Mart opens.  ***  It soon becomes apparent that consumers are not interested in a store that only sells items beginning with the letter “K.”

10.   On this date in history:  Feb 29, 1980 – In England, Michael Bracey is finally rescued after spending 59 hours and 55 minutes trapped in an elevator.  ***  Afterwards, he required extensive therapy to recover from nearly 60 hours of listening to Muzak.