Friday, July 31, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, July 31, 2015

1.        Federal Trade Commission records show that South Florida has the highest rate of reported identity theft.   ***  Note to seniors:  Just because you can’t remember your name, that doesn’t mean somebody stole it.

2.        In spite of the global outcry, many Zimbabweans are unaware of the killing of their famous lion, Cecil, by a Minnesota dentist.  In fact, some of the people interviewed asked, “What lion?”   ***   But most of them asked, “What’s a dentist?”

3.        Donald Trump just sold his beautifully appointed New York apartment for $21 million.  ***  Proving that if he can’t “Make America great again,” at least he can redecorate it.

4.        According to a list compiled by the World Economic Forum, the most dangerous country in the world to visit is Nigeria.   ***   Darn it, just when I was packing my bags to go pick up my gold bars.

5.        The hunter who killed Cecil, a beloved black-maned lion in Zimbabwe, with a crossbow has been identified as a Minnesota dentist.  ***  Before letting the arrow fly he said, “Now, this might sting a little.”

6.        Bugs Bunny turns 75 years old this week.  ***  These days he always asks two questions:  “What’s up, Doc?” and “Is it covered by Medicare?”

7.        Physicist Stephen Hawking says autonomous weapons may be the greatest threat to mankind.   ***  That statement was very upsetting to Donald Trump, who never likes to come in second.

8.        At a Kroger store in Novi, Michigan, a man walked up the meat counter stark naked.  ***  Of course, as soon as he saw the other customers staring at him he realized he should have taken a number.

9.        There were many protests this weekend as the Satanic Temple unveiled its controversial bronze statue in Detroit.  ***  Detroiters didn’t mind that the sculpture depicted the devil, but they were outraged that he was driving a Toyota.

10.     A banana species called Gros Michel, which was once the world’s primary export variety, has just been declared extinct.  ***  Actually, the U.S. government had already banned it in the interested of public safety because its peels were too slippery.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Friday, July 24, 2015

1.        French farmers have been blocking major highways to protest depressed prices on agricultural products—especially milk—caused by low cost imports.  ***   They’re accusing the Chinese of using underage cows.

2.        A 72 year-old man in Florida was shot and wounded while trying to protect some turtles from a deranged attacker.  ***  Police say he was shot just as he began shouting, “Run!”

3.        In Peru, Indians from the reclusive Mashco Piro tribe have begun venturing out of the forest for food and machetes.  ***  President Obama has sent John Kerry to negotiate a treaty and limit them to sharp objects for peaceful purposes. (Mr. Obama said, “Sure, today they want machetes, but tomorrow it could be uranium enrichment and before you know it…”)

4.        Chrysler has come up with a security fix after finding that hackers could access the electronics on new Jeeps.   ***  “Honest officer, some guy in China downshifted my vehicle and floored the accelerator.”

5.        Hackers of the Ashley Madison website for married people seeking affairs said that the people registered there were “cheating dirtbags.”  ***  Although it’s uncertain whether anyone actually included those words in their profile.

6.        It has just been announced that Miley Cyrus will be hosting the MTV Music Awards.  ***  She’s already thinking about what clothes to not wear.

7.        Actor Theodore Bikel, who starred as Trevye in more than 2,000 stage performances of “Fiddler on the Roof,”  has died at the age of 91.  ***  The viewing will be open to anyone willing to climb a really high ladder.

8.        The TV movie “Sharknado 3” is based on an unbelievable premise.  ***  That people will watch it.

9.        In response to Native Americans walking off the set of his movie, “The Ridiculous Six,” Adam Sandler says there was no intent to mock Indian stereotypes.  ***  But he said he was upset that they disrupted production by dancing and making it rain for two weeks.

10.     Researchers at Northwestern University say that “sensor data” in smart phones can indicate when the user is depressed.  ***  For example, if the sensors detect that the phone has been thrown against a wall.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Friday, July 17, 2015

1.        The medical center where George H.W. Bush was treated for his neck injury has a children’s hospital named after his wife.  ***  So, of course he got preferential treatment: TWO lollipops.

2.        In order to appeal to millennials, La-Z-Boy is remodeling its furniture stores.   ***   And their recliners now feature charging stations, USB ports and integrated selfie cameras.

3.        Authorities believe the blast on a Rhode Island beach that blew a woman five feet into the air might have been due to methane from decaying seaweed  ***  or the two Burrito Supremes that she had for lunch.

4.        Computer code writing company is proud of its diversity efforts and says that now 43% of its employees are female.  ***  The other 57% declined the company’s offer of a free sex change.

5.        A nuclear agreement with Iran has been reached after both sides agreed to some major compromises.   ***  The U.S. will lift billions of dollars in trade sanctions and Iran promised to “Like” our Facebook page.

6.        Tom Cruise is preparing to film “Top Gun 2,” 30 years after the original.   ***   His new fighter jet will be equipped with barrier-free entry, large-text instrumentation and senior-friendly control knobs.

7.        Caitlyn Jenner received the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs.  ***  When told that she would be getting the Ashe award, Caitlyn said, “That’s great, but aren’t my boobs nice, too?”

8.        Mexican drug kingpin Joaquin Guzman escaped from prison through an elaborate mile-long tunnel with lighting, ventilation and motorized dirt removal.  His nickname is “El Chapo.”  ***  Now, don’t confuse him with the prisoner who is still trying to dig his way out with a spoon. That would be “El Cheapo.”

9.        An anonymous benefactor has offered a $1 million reward for a pair of ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in “The Wizard of Oz” which were stolen from a museum ten years ago.  ***  Previously, museum officials had appealed to the thief to return the stolen goods by just clicking the heels together three times. 

10.     Police are investigating a video showing Ariana Grande licking a tray of donuts in a Los Angeles donut shop.   ***  Officers O’Malley and Jackson said they just wanted to make sure she hadn’t touched any of the ones that were glazed, jelly filled or had white icing with all those little sprinkles on top.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Friday, July 10, 2015

1.        Friends of Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend, are urging him to go into rehab to stop his self-destructive behavior.  ***  Dating a Kardashian.

2.        A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology says that weeping can help a person in negotiations.  ***   So, we’ll know John Kerry is getting desperate with the Iranian nuclear talks when he starts bringing in a box of Kleenex.

3.        Soccer star Christiano Renaldo is in Tokyo promoting an electric muscle stimulator.  Last year he was there promoting a smile enhancing gadget.  ***  But now he’s found that the best way to enhance his smile is to sell a boatload of gimmicky muscle stimulators.

4.        Two women in Morocco face prison sentences for wearing dresses that were considered provocative because they were too tight.  ***   Well, it seems that Moroccan women have an extra incentive to diet.

5.        Starbucks is raising the price of its brewed coffee by 10 cents a cup.  ***  You know life is getting tough when it starts costing more just to wake up.

6.        In Pamplona, Spain, two Americans and a Brit were gored in this year’s “running of the bulls,” in which daredevils try to stay ahead of six rampaging bulls--a frightening experience. ***  Almost as frightening as retirees trying to stay ahead of inflation.

7.        Marie Helvin, the world’s oldest lingerie model, is retiring at the age of 62.  ***  She knew it was time to quit when she was asked to model the new line of thongs from Depends.

8.        A man posing as a security guard took $75,000 from an Oklahoma Wal-Mart.  ***  Last year he posed as a Wal-Mart greeter and issued 200 fraudulent “good mornings.”

9.        Researchers in New Zealand have studied the onset of aging in nearly a thousand people at the ages of 26, 32 and 38.  ***  And a similar study has been done with Hollywood actresses at the ages of 18, 19 and 20.

10.     Because of credit cards and electronic payments, many young people today don’t know how to write a check and there has been a fivefold increase in the number of Google searches for check writing instructions.  ***  Actually, I’ve been getting my check writing advice from a very helpful man in Nigeria.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Friday, July 3, 2015

1.        Sealed Air Corporation, which makes Bubble Wrap packaging, has introduced a new version of the product which is not “poppable.”   ***   However, for users who like to pop Bubble Wrap, the company will provide a free brochure describing 100 other ways to annoy people.

2.        Although they’re getting divorced, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Gardner will continue to live in the same house and “co-parent” their children.  Fortunately, the house is quite large, with enough space for separate living quarters for Ben, Jennifer  ***  and the full-time therapist for the kids.

3.        President Obama announced that the U.S. is opening an embassy in Cuba.  ***   And our ambassador there will be a well-known expert on Hispanic people:  Donald Trump.

4.        In the midst of the financial crisis, some banks in Greece are re-opening their doors, but say they will be serving customers over several days in alphabetical order.   ***   Bad news for Zorba the Greek.

5.        Captured prison escapee David Sweat says that contrary to earlier reports, he did not use power tools to cut his way to freedom.  ***  Unfortunately, that kills his chances for a really sweet endorsement deal with DeWalt.

6.        In Detroit, a 97 year old woman was reportedly distraught after sitting in her nephew’s car while it was carjacked.   ***  Sounds like another senior unfamiliar with the concept of valet parking.

7.        McDonald’s is trying to go upscale by adding lobster rolls to its menu.  ***  And nothing says fine dining like a waiter asking, “You want fries with that?”

8.        President Obama announced that he wants to change the law so that five million more workers will be eligible for overtime pay.  ***   Details have not yet been released, but he did have a time clock installed in the Oval Office.

9.        The Social Security Administration’s annual list of baby names shows that there is growing popularity of names that can be used for either a boy or a girl, like Jordan or Taylor  ***  or Caitlyn.

10.     This week an Illinois man was struck by lightning for the second time in 18 years. Ironically, his name is Rod, so he has an obvious nickname.  ***  Crispy?

Friday, June 26, 2015

Friday, June 26, 2015

1.        Lexographers say that “twerking”—which was recently made famous by Miley Cyrus—has actually been around for 200 years.  ***  However, they said Ms. Cyrus can have full credit for the term “skank.”

2.        Many listeners of the NPR radio show “Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me” voiced their disgust that a recent segment featured Kim Kardashian.   ***  In response, management said that future guests with questionable credentials will be featured on a new show, “Wait, Wait…While I Change Stations.”

3.        Dustin Diamond, who played Screech on “Saved by the Bell,” has been sentenced to 120 days in jail for stabbing a man in a fight.  ***   On a positive note, this experience has inspired a spinoff series, “Saved by the Bail.”

4.        Lady Gaga suffered a major “wardrobe malfunction” when she was out in public wearing only a jacket, which suddenly flew open.  ***   She was really embarrassed and immediately apologized for exposing that much to people who hadn’t bought tickets.

5.        In France, authorities have angrily accused the United States of spying on the last three French presidents.  ***  They say that’s an unforgivable invasion of privacy of their mistresses.

6.        A second prison guard has been arrested for helping the two New York inmates escape by delivering frozen hamburger meat to them, but he says he didn’t know there were tools hidden inside.  ***  However, he says maybe he should have been suspicious when he saw it was in bag from Home Depot.

7.        Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP leader who turned out to be white, says that she began to identify as a black when she was 5 years old and would use a brown crayon draw pictures of herself.  ***   Note to kids:  Back then, that was how you did a “selfie.”

8.        Two convicts who escaped from a New York State prison are believed to have hidden in a nearby hunting cabin, where police recovered prison-issued underwear.  ***  A police spokesman said an inspection of the underwear indicates the two men were really, really scared.

9.        Kim Kardashian has revealed that her second child is going to be a boy.   ***   At least for a few years.

10.     Ralph J. Roberts, the founder of Comcast, died last week at the age of 95.  ***  He was ready to go at 94, but God put him on hold.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Friday, June 19, 2015

1.        Disney World has canceled plans to fire 250 technology employees and replace them with foreigners with H-1B work visas.  ***  Apparently, when faced with the threat of termination the original employees swallowed their pride and agreed to wear mouse ears to work every day.

2.        Malaysian authorities arrested ten tourists for taking nude photos on the peak of a sacred mountain, and many people there blamed the disrespectful act for the volcanic eruption that occurred a few days later.  ***   You ought to see what they do to create an earthquake.

3.        A bottle of beer brewed for an 1875 expedition to the North Pole just sold at auction to a man in Scotland for $5,131.  ***  Afterwards, the buyer was quoted as saying, “I don’t always drink beer…but when I do, I pay really stupid money for it.”

4.        According to a report by Americans for Tax Fairness, Wal-Mart avoided taxes on $76 billion of profits by sheltering the funds in shell companies in Europe.  ***  Investigators were able to find the shady operations by looking for office buildings that had a greeter in the lobby.

5.        A man in Los Angeles has accused KFC of serving him a fried rat.  ***  KFC apologized for violating FDA regulations and immediately posted the meal’s caloric content.

6.        Adult film star Jenna Jameson says she has found God.  ***  She claims he was at her latest premier--third row, center.

7.        In Spokane, Washington, Rachel Dolezal resigned from her NAACP leadership position after it was revealed that her lineage is mostly German and Czech, not African-American. ***  However, she did point out that her German relatives live in the Black Forest.

8.        “Jurassic World” set a new box office opening weekend record.  Audiences loved seeing the return of creatures that were thought to be extinct.  ***  Experts are saying this might be a good sign for some of the GOP presidential candidates.

9.        With so many Republican presidential candidates, there is disagreement on how handle the August primary debate.   ***   Organizers are thinking of dropping the structured debate format and just going with open-mic night and a two drink minimum.

10.     In the current issue of “Annals of Internal Medicine,” researchers say that talking with a therapist can help people sleep better.  ***  On the other hand, some people might not want a therapist in their bedroom.