Friday, January 29, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 29, 2016

1.     Doctors for Bernie Sanders say the 74 year old presidential candidate is in great health and has no problems that would affect his presidency…***…as long as takes his afternoon naps, eats plenty of fiber and tries not to get too excited.

2.     Ammon Bundy, the arrested leader of the protestors occupying the building in the Oregon refuge, is telling the group they should pack up and go home because they’ve made their point and their families need them … *** …and because the occupied building doesn’t have a large screen TV for the Super Bowl.

3.     Bristol Palin blasted Tina Fey’s SNL impersonation of her mother, saying it sounded like “nails on a chalkboard.  ***  In other words, dead-on.

4.     In Florida, when two Christian high school football teams recently played each other, the state high school athletic association denied their request to allow prayer before the game.  ***  In fact, the association also warned them that “Hail Mary pass” is just an expression and cannot be accompanied by an actual prayer.

5.     Researchers at the University of Florida say that people probably do not have Alzheimer’s if they are able to smell peanut butter.  ***  In their test they blindfolded people living on Social Security, placed an open jar of peanut butter near them, and noted if the seniors could correctly identify the scent as “dinner.” 

6.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 1802 – John Beckley of Virginia is appointed the first Librarian of Congress.  ***  He was the only guy brave enough to say “Shush” to senators.

7.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 1845 – Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" is published.  ***  However, he was disappointed that he couldn’t get an endorsement from the Audubon Society.

8.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 2002 – In his State of the Union Address, President George W. Bush names the three elements of the terror-oriented “Axis of Evil.”  ***  He said they were Pronunciation, Grammar and Spelling.

9.     On this date in history: Jan 28, 1878 –  George W. Coy is hired as the first full-time telephone operator.  ***  He aced the interview with his impressive delivery of “One ringy-dingy…two ringy dingies…”

10.  On this date in history: Jan 27, 1970 – The Motion Picture Association of America replaces the “M” rating with “PG.”   ***  “PG” stands for “Parental Guidance.”  “M” stood for “Go ask your Mother.”

Friday, January 22, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 22, 2016

1.        Wal-Mart is spending over a billion dollars to give full time workers a substantial pay raise.  ***  Company officials knew they had to do something when the greeters started asking customers for handouts.

2.        ISIS announced that because of funding shortfalls all fighters will get a 50% pay cut.  ***  And future martyrs will be greeted by only half as many virgins.

3.        A recent survey shows that 13% of Americans think Judy Sheidlin (“Judge Judy”) serves on the Supreme Court.  ***   That’s dumb. They obviously have her confused with Judge Joe Brown.

4.        Following her substantial weight loss, Mama June—the matriarch of the “Honey Boo Boo” show—is going to appear on a cosmetic reality show to have extra skin surgically removed.   ***   If that’s successful, she’ll have her husband and Honey Boo Boo surgically removed, too.

5.        President Obama said that convincing Iranian officials to release the American hostages was done through “smart diplomacy.”  ***   So, it cost him how many Super Bowl tickets?   

6.        On this date in history: Jan 22, 1951 – Pitcher Fidel Castro is ejected from a winter league baseball game after hitting a batter.  ***  Also, officials didn’t like him smoking a cigar and wearing military fatigues on the mound.

7.        On this date in history: Jan 21, 1994 - Lorena Bobbitt, who severed her husband's uh…member, convinces a jury that she was temporarily insane.  ***  When asked how she pulled that off, she said, “I didn’t—I cut it.”

8.        On this date in history: Jan 20, 1892 – The first basketball game is played in Massachusetts.  ***  Although the game has changed over the past 100-plus years, the key elements remain:  The ball, the hoop and outrageous beer prices.    

9.        On this date in history: Jan 19, 1935 - Coopers Inc. sells the world's first men's briefs in Chicago, calling the style the "Jockey."   ***   Every pair comes with small whip and a large number for your back.

10.     On this date in history: Jan 18, 1733 – A polar bear is exhibited in America for the first time, in Boston.   ***   Prior to that, the “Polar Animals” exhibit at the Boston Zoo involved a lot of white spray paint.

Friday, January 15, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 15, 2016

1.     Officials at the Mexican prison where “El Chapo” is being held following his recapture say there are four times as many security cameras as before.   ***   They are very confident that when El Chapo escapes again they’ll be able to make a fantastic documentary (Sean Penn directing, of course).

2.     A man buying a lottery ticket in Las Vegas told a news reporter that if he won he’d spend it on hookers and cocaine. After a lot of negative response when that went viral, he said he was kidding and would spend it on friends and community.  ***  Too late, buddy—God’s still not going to let you win.

3.     Nike may drop its sponsorship deal with trouble-prone Cleveland quarterback Johnny Manziel, who ignored team orders and PR consequences, and went gambling, drinking and clubbing.  ***   Actually, Nike, there’s no better person to exemplify “Just Do It!”

4.     Donald Trump says he doesn’t watch much professional football anymore because the NFL has “become soft.”  ***   He said the physical game is rough enough, but he’d like to give the players a few lessons in trash talk.

5.     Mexican authorities asked Justin Bieber and his entourage to leave the ancient Mayan ruins at Tulum after they tried climbing them.  ***   Officials said if Mr. Bieber wants to explore cultural ruins he should go back to Hollywood. 

6.     On this date in history: Jan 15, 1797 – The first top hat is worn in London by John Etherington.   ***   a.k.a. “Shorty”

7.     On this date in history: Jan 14, 1956 - Little Richard releases "Tutti Frutti."  ***  My translation app says that “tutti frutti” is Italian for “all fruits,”  but it’s having a little difficulty with “wah bop a loo bop a lop bom bom.”

8.     On this date in history: Jan 14, 1973 - Grateful Dead bass player Phil Lesh is arrested for drug possession.  ***  Headlines across the country announced the shocking news:  “Four Members of Grateful Dead Not Busted on Drug Charges.”

9.     On this date in history: Jan 13, 1920 – A New York Times editorial claims that rockets will never succeed in flying.  ***  Ironically, rockets are now flying high and newspapers are failing.

10.  On this date in history: Jan 13, 1979 – YMCA officials file a libel suit against the Village People for their song, “Y-M-C-A.”  ***  They submitted the necessary paperwork and then used their arms to spell “S-U-I-T.”

Friday, January 8, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 8, 2016

1.     Chipotle Mexican Grill Inc. is under investigation following an outbreak of norovirus at one of the chain’s restaurants in California, and a grand jury has subpoenaed a broad range of company documents.  ***  They also subpoenaed six burritos, ten soft tacos, a dozen cokes and a side of nachos.

2.     Scientists have proudly announced the creation of four new elements that fill spots 113, 115, 117 and 118 on the periodic table, and now they’re in the process of naming them.  ***  You know, it’s nice to see so much excitement over the creation and naming of something that’s not a Kardashian.

3.     North Korea, which has already has the atomic bomb, claims to have tested a hydrogen bomb yesterday.  ***   They said it had been developed under the leadership of their new head scientist, a Dr. Rodman.

4.     The U.S. stock market tanked on the first trading day of the new year, primarily because of problems with China’s manufacturing industry. ***  I knew it— those eight year olds are slacking off again!

5.     On ABC’s “This Week” Bernie Sanders said there are “more important things to worry about than Bill Clinton’s sex life.”  ***   Yeah…unless you’re Bill Clinton.

6.     On this date in history: 1973 – The British Darts Organisation is founded in North London  ***  Its members see nothing wrong with a game that involves sharp objects and is usually played in place where everyone is drunk.

7.     On this date in history: 1681 – The world’s first recorded boxing match took place between the Duke of Albemarle's butcher and his butler.  ***   It was a huge mismatch. Besides their fists, the butcher was armed with a meat cleaver and the butler had a tray.

8.     On this date in history: 1931 - Thomas Edison submits his last patent application.   ***  He was trying to make his earlier inventions more user-friendly because he heard stories that it sometimes took up to six people to change a lightbulb.

9.     On this date in history: 1939 - The "Superman" comic strip debuts in several daily newspapers.   ***   Over the years Superman saved the government, he saved Gotham and he saved thousands of innocent people.  Too bad he couldn’t save the newspapers.   

10.  On this date in history: 1887 – The first school of librarianship in the U.S. opens at Columbia University.  ***  The most popular course is Shushing 101.

Friday, December 18, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 18

1.        Luxury Travel Intelligence has just named Robert DeNiro’s Philippine hotel, Nobu, “The Worst New Luxury Hotel of 2015,” saying the accommodations are fine but management is weak.  ***  And whenever a guest asks for service, the staff always says, “You talkin’ to me?  You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else you talking…you talking to me?...”  

2.        A man in Oklahoma was so upset over his hotel bill that he drove his pick-up through the lobby and crashed into the front desk.  ***  After that, I guess he didn’t need to ring the bell.

3.        “The Hunger Games” star Jennifer Lawrence told Stephen Colbert it’s not a good idea to contact aliens from outer space because we would just try to kill each other.  ***  She said if scientists continue to reach out, she’ll start keeping a bow and arrow by her bed.

4.        Hillary Clinton says she has a “360 degree plan” to destroy ISIS.  ***  Yep, I think 360 degrees would be hot enough.

5.        With the help of a spiritual medium, the Kardashian girls’ departed father, Robert Kardashian, gave them a message from the grave.  ***  He told them he’s been rolling over a lot.

6.        On this date in history: 1582 – The Netherlands, Denmark and Norway adopt the Gregorian calendar. *** They were especially impressed by Miss April.

7.        On this date in history: 1813 – In the War of 1812, the British take Fort Niagara.   ***   It wasn’t easy; just to get to the fort they had to fight their way through hundreds of honeymooners.

8.        On this date in history: 1979 – The Budweiser streamliner set a wheeled vehicle speed record of 730 mph. ***  The Clydesdales were exhausted. 

9.        On this date in history: 1979 - "Love Story," starring Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw, is released.  ***   Millions of men stop apologizing.

10.     On this date in history: 1977 - "Saturday Night Fever," starring John Travolta, premieres.  ***  In the following weeks, thousands of men strain their vocal cords trying to sound like the BeeGees.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 27

1.     Justin Bieber has just canceled his performance in the CBS “Thanksgiving Day Parade.”  ***  And now we have something to be thankful for.

2.     According to Money magazine, K-Mart has one of the worst purchase return policies.  ***  After you buy something, they shut down the store.

3.     The latest food craze in Japan is deep fried maple leaves.  ***  I wonder—are you supposed to eat them by hand or with a rake?

4.     In China, Xiao Yun went missing for the past ten years and authorities thought she was dead, but she was recently found living in an internet cafĂ© where she spent all her time playing video games.  ***  So, they were pretty much right.

5.     In order to promote healthy eating, the Nordic Choice hotel chain in Norway has taken bacon and sausage off the breakfast menu.  ***  They’ve also put Bob Evans on the no-fly list.

6.     On this date in history: 1817 – The first sword swallower in the U.S. performs in New York City.  ***  He was a big hit in Times Square until the public taste shifted to naked cowboys.

7.     On this date in history: 1835 – The Texas Provisional Government authorizes establishment of the Texas Rangers.  ***  Reluctantly, they also authorize one “Lone Ranger,” but specify that he must always wear a mask.

8.     On this date in history: 1863 – A patent is granted for a process of making color photographs.  ***  Demand for centerfold models skyrockets.

9.     On this date in history: 1897 – J. L. Love patents the pencil sharpener.  ***  It was carefully designed to hold a pencil of any size, form an extremely sharp point, and sprinkle shavings all over the floor when you try to empty it.

10.  On this date in history: 1973 – The fuel crisis causes Congress to reduce the maximum speed limit to 55 MPH. ***  It also gives people an excuse to not drive to the in-laws for Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 20, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 20, 2015

1.        Rearchers at Harvard University say that people who drink three to five cups of coffee a day are less likely to die from diabetes, heart disease or Parkinson’s disease.  ***  Instead, they’ll probably be killed by someone who can’t stand their hyperactivity and chirpy disposition. 

2.        Charlie Sheen says his millions in blackmail payments to hide his HIV is money that should have gone to his children and grandchild.  ***  His regular prostitution payments, however, were apparently a budgeted line item.

3.        Mattel is getting kudos for featuring a boy in its commercial for the new “Moschino Barbie” doll.  ***  I think that’s fine, as long as the boy realizes that when he grows up his dolls will need to be inflated.

4.        Researchers at the Langone Medical Center have found that posting the calorie content of menu items has failed to change New Yorkers’ eating habits at fast food restaurants.   ***   The next step will be to install scales at each cash register.

5.        Kia is recalling 256,000 Souls because of steering problems.  ***  Big deal. God has recalled millions of souls for losing direction.

6.        On this date in history: 1686 - Charles Francois Felix operates on King Louis XIV’s anal fistula, but only after practicing the surgery on several peasants.  ***  Just one more benefit of being insured with the Gold Plan.

7.        On this date in history: 1863 - Abraham Lincoln delivers his Gettysburg Address.  ***  As a great visionary, he kept it short because he knew high school students would have to memorize it.

8.        On this date in history: 1940 – The Green Bay Packers become the first NFL team to travel by plane.  ***   They also become the first NFL team to play in street clothes because the airline lost their luggage.

9.       On this date in history: 1955 – Donald Campbell drives a speedboat faster than 200 mph.  ***  But the really amazing thing is that the water skier held on.
10.   On this date in history: 1984 - McDonald's sells its 50 billionth hamburger.  ***  Employees plead with management, “NOW can we stop counting?”