Friday, April 29, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 29, 2016

1.    Darren Huston, CEO of discount travel agency Priceline, resigned after it was revealed that he had an improper relationship with a female employee.  ***   Company investigators found that when he took her on vacation he paid full price for the tickets.

2.    Detroit officials announced plans to build a soccer stadium on the site of the ill-fated, unfinished Wayne County Jail project.   ***   That’s perfect.  Now the soccer players will have a first-class playing field and, instead of jail, convicted criminals can be punished by being forced to watch every single game.

3.    According to Psychology Today, dogs hate being hugged because it immobilizes them and raises their stress levels.  ***   If you really want to show your dog how much you love it, you should get down on your hands and knees and sniff its butt.

4.    According to a study published in the journal “Cerebral Cortex,” applying an electric current to the frontopolar cortex of the brain can make a person more creative.  ***  In fact, in the laboratory tests the subjects came up with some really novel ways to get revenge on the researcher who had applied the electric current.

5.    Hershey has introduced a new Hershey Kiss flavor that is sold only in Wal-Mart stores.   ***   It’s the first candy made to taste like chewing tobacco.

6.    On this date in history:  Apr 29, 1553 – A Flemish woman introduces the practice of starching linen into England.  ***  The English people were in a foul mood for months, until they realized it shouldn’t be used for underwear.

7.     On this date in history:  Apr 28, 1942 – The war is given the moniker "WWII" as the result of a Gallup Poll.  ***  That’s what we call a “modified democracy;” citizens don’t decide if their country goes to war, but they get to name it.

8.    On this date in history:  Apr 27, 1937 – The U.S. Social Security system makes its first benefit payment.  ***   Seniors across the country were grateful and had only one question: “So, how soon can we buy lottery tickets?”

9.    On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1941 – A musical tradition begins when the Chicago Cubs feature the first organ at a baseball stadium.  ***  It worked out so much better than the harp. 

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1792 – In France, the guillotine is first used in the execution of highwayman Nicolas Pelletier.  ***  Advantages: Fast…efficient…shorter coffin.

Friday, March 11, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 11, 2016

1.    A man in New York City has placed an ad looking for someone to take his pet turtle for a walk every day.   ***   It’s basically just a 12-step program.

2.    Disney just announced that it expects to lose $75 million on the sea-rescue movie “The Finest Hours.”  ***  Previously, the biggest financial loss for moviemakers in 2016 was the Erin Andrews video.

3.    In the latest presidential debate, Hillary Clinton said she was wrong in supporting a 1994 crime bill that resulted in longer prison sentences and cutbacks in inmate education.  ***  She apologized for having supported a bill that penalized so many fellow politicians.

4.    This past weekend Lindsay Lohan posted a picture of an unidentified mystery man on Instagram with the comment, “I love him.”   ***   Let me guess—bail bondsman. 

5.    Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of e-mail, has died suddenly at the age of 74.  ***  According to the coroner, cause of death was having broken a chain letter.

6.    On this date in history:  Mar 11, 1302 – Romeo & Juliet's wedding day, according to Shakespeare.  ***  I wonder if everyone got their gifts back.

7.    On this date in history:  Mar 10, 1971 – The Senate approves the amendment lowering the voting age to 18.   ***   This gives millions more Americans the opportunity to show their ambivalence. 

8.    On this date in history:  Mar 9, 1796 – Napoleon Bonaparte marries Josephine de Beauharnais. ***  It was the last time anyone saw the minister, who made the unfortunate comment, “I assume you’d like this ceremony to be short.”

9.    On this date in history:  Mar 8, 1994 – The Defense Department announces a smoking ban in all workplaces.   ***  Soldiers are happy to learn that a war zone is not considered a workplace.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 7, 1933 – The game "Monopoly" is invented.   ***  It teaches young children the principles of handling money, investing in properties and driving your best friends bankrupt.  

Friday, March 4, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 4, 2016

1.      Vatican protocol has been changed and the pope will now greet divorced presidents or prime ministers and their current wives at the same time, rather than have the wife wait in a separate area.  ***  Vatican officials had previously asked second wives to wait in the trophy room.

2.      In yesterday’s GOP presidential debate in Detroit, Donald Trump said he is now in favor of H1B visas because we need to bring in highly skilled people when the U.S. lacks sufficient talent for certain jobs.  ***  Like president.

3.      Blake Shelton, who split from Miranda Lambert, sent out a series of drunken tweets, went through rehab, took up with Gwen Stefani and just bought Ms. Stefani a pony, is launching his own liquor, Smithworks Vodka.  ***  I believe the product’s tag line is, “Smithworks…even when your brain doesn’t.”

4.      Donald Trump initially refused to disavow endorsement by David Duke, former leader of the KKK, and people were shocked that someone would even want to be associated with a person who was openly racist, hateful and contrary to so many American values.  ***  But, I’m sure Mr. Duke had his reasons.

5.      Wal-Mart is being sued because its “Grated Parmesan Cheese” reportedly contains up to 10% products derived from wood chips.  ***  Faced with this legal action, Wal-Mart has agreed to replace the term “Grated” with “Sawed and Sanded.”

6.      On this date in history:  Mar 4, 1997 – President Clinton bans federally funded human cloning research.   ***  The researchers had refused to make a clone of Monica.

7.      On this date in history:  Mar 2, 1923 – Time magazine debuts.  ***  Management can’t decide whether to go with “Man of the Year” or an annual “Swimsuit” issue.

8.      On this date in history:  Mar 2, 1950 – Silly Putty is invented.  ***  It’s a mystery to today’s kids, who keep looking for the “on” button. 

9.      On this date in history:  Mar 1, 1962 – The first K-Mart opens.  ***  It soon becomes apparent that consumers are not interested in a store that only sells items beginning with the letter “K.”

10.   On this date in history:  Feb 29, 1980 – In England, Michael Bracey is finally rescued after spending 59 hours and 55 minutes trapped in an elevator.  ***  Afterwards, he required extensive therapy to recover from nearly 60 hours of listening to Muzak.

Monday, February 29, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 26, 2016

1.      The latest fad in fingernail fashion is furry nail coverings.  ***  Actually, they’re very practical—now you can pick your nose and wipe it at the same time.

2.      A study at George Washington University shows that shutting down the Twitter accounts of terrorist groups has severely hurt ISIS’s ability to recruit new members.  ***   Even more damaging to their recruiting efforts was an announcement by a group of Middle East virgins saying they will no longer greet terrorists in the afterlife.

3.      Phil Collins is re-marrying his third wife, whom he had divorced in 2008 with a $46 million settlement.  ***  He said the separation was painful—and he missed his ex-wife, too.

4.      Public health officials say that Charlie Sheen’s HIV disclosure has prompted millions of people to do online searches about prevention and treatment of the virus.  ***  Previous disclosures by Mr. Sheen were equally influential in prompting many to seek information on drug sources, prostitute fees and tips for  trashing a hotel room.

5.      Dozens of students at the University of Michigan were diagnosed with norovirus after complaining of nausea, vomiting and general malaise.  ***  Like when their football team loses to Ohio State.

6.      On this date in history:  Feb 25, 1836 – Samuel Colt patents the first revolving barrel firearm.  ***  That would be the Colt 45, although I never understood why he named it after a cheap beer. 

7.      On this date in history:  Feb 24, 1940 – Frances Langford records "When You Wish Upon a Star."   ***  However, she was devastated to learn that the public preferred the version performed by a singing cricket.

8.      On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1455 – Johannes Gutenberg begins using his newly invented printing press to print the Bible in large numbers.  ***  For the first time history people actually can swear on a stack of Bibles.

9.      On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1896 – Tootsie Rolls go on sale for the first time.  ***   Previously they were only available by donating a couple bucks to men standing at intersections and wearing yellow vests.

10.   On this date in history:  Feb 22, 1630 – Indians introduce the pilgrims to popcorn.  ***  I believe the novel food was prepared by Chief Orville Redenbacher.

Friday, January 29, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 29, 2016

1.     Doctors for Bernie Sanders say the 74 year old presidential candidate is in great health and has no problems that would affect his presidency…***…as long as takes his afternoon naps, eats plenty of fiber and tries not to get too excited.

2.     Ammon Bundy, the arrested leader of the protestors occupying the building in the Oregon refuge, is telling the group they should pack up and go home because they’ve made their point and their families need them … *** …and because the occupied building doesn’t have a large screen TV for the Super Bowl.

3.     Bristol Palin blasted Tina Fey’s SNL impersonation of her mother, saying it sounded like “nails on a chalkboard.  ***  In other words, dead-on.

4.     In Florida, when two Christian high school football teams recently played each other, the state high school athletic association denied their request to allow prayer before the game.  ***  In fact, the association also warned them that “Hail Mary pass” is just an expression and cannot be accompanied by an actual prayer.

5.     Researchers at the University of Florida say that people probably do not have Alzheimer’s if they are able to smell peanut butter.  ***  In their test they blindfolded people living on Social Security, placed an open jar of peanut butter near them, and noted if the seniors could correctly identify the scent as “dinner.” 

6.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 1802 – John Beckley of Virginia is appointed the first Librarian of Congress.  ***  He was the only guy brave enough to say “Shush” to senators.

7.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 1845 – Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" is published.  ***  However, he was disappointed that he couldn’t get an endorsement from the Audubon Society.

8.     On this date in history: Jan 29, 2002 – In his State of the Union Address, President George W. Bush names the three elements of the terror-oriented “Axis of Evil.”  ***  He said they were Pronunciation, Grammar and Spelling.

9.     On this date in history: Jan 28, 1878 –  George W. Coy is hired as the first full-time telephone operator.  ***  He aced the interview with his impressive delivery of “One ringy-dingy…two ringy dingies…”

10.  On this date in history: Jan 27, 1970 – The Motion Picture Association of America replaces the “M” rating with “PG.”   ***  “PG” stands for “Parental Guidance.”  “M” stood for “Go ask your Mother.”

Friday, January 22, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 22, 2016

1.        Wal-Mart is spending over a billion dollars to give full time workers a substantial pay raise.  ***  Company officials knew they had to do something when the greeters started asking customers for handouts.

2.        ISIS announced that because of funding shortfalls all fighters will get a 50% pay cut.  ***  And future martyrs will be greeted by only half as many virgins.

3.        A recent survey shows that 13% of Americans think Judy Sheidlin (“Judge Judy”) serves on the Supreme Court.  ***   That’s dumb. They obviously have her confused with Judge Joe Brown.

4.        Following her substantial weight loss, Mama June—the matriarch of the “Honey Boo Boo” show—is going to appear on a cosmetic reality show to have extra skin surgically removed.   ***   If that’s successful, she’ll have her husband and Honey Boo Boo surgically removed, too.

5.        President Obama said that convincing Iranian officials to release the American hostages was done through “smart diplomacy.”  ***   So, it cost him how many Super Bowl tickets?   

6.        On this date in history: Jan 22, 1951 – Pitcher Fidel Castro is ejected from a winter league baseball game after hitting a batter.  ***  Also, officials didn’t like him smoking a cigar and wearing military fatigues on the mound.

7.        On this date in history: Jan 21, 1994 - Lorena Bobbitt, who severed her husband's uh…member, convinces a jury that she was temporarily insane.  ***  When asked how she pulled that off, she said, “I didn’t—I cut it.”

8.        On this date in history: Jan 20, 1892 – The first basketball game is played in Massachusetts.  ***  Although the game has changed over the past 100-plus years, the key elements remain:  The ball, the hoop and outrageous beer prices.    

9.        On this date in history: Jan 19, 1935 - Coopers Inc. sells the world's first men's briefs in Chicago, calling the style the "Jockey."   ***   Every pair comes with small whip and a large number for your back.

10.     On this date in history: Jan 18, 1733 – A polar bear is exhibited in America for the first time, in Boston.   ***   Prior to that, the “Polar Animals” exhibit at the Boston Zoo involved a lot of white spray paint.

Friday, January 15, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 15, 2016

1.     Officials at the Mexican prison where “El Chapo” is being held following his recapture say there are four times as many security cameras as before.   ***   They are very confident that when El Chapo escapes again they’ll be able to make a fantastic documentary (Sean Penn directing, of course).

2.     A man buying a lottery ticket in Las Vegas told a news reporter that if he won he’d spend it on hookers and cocaine. After a lot of negative response when that went viral, he said he was kidding and would spend it on friends and community.  ***  Too late, buddy—God’s still not going to let you win.

3.     Nike may drop its sponsorship deal with trouble-prone Cleveland quarterback Johnny Manziel, who ignored team orders and PR consequences, and went gambling, drinking and clubbing.  ***   Actually, Nike, there’s no better person to exemplify “Just Do It!”

4.     Donald Trump says he doesn’t watch much professional football anymore because the NFL has “become soft.”  ***   He said the physical game is rough enough, but he’d like to give the players a few lessons in trash talk.

5.     Mexican authorities asked Justin Bieber and his entourage to leave the ancient Mayan ruins at Tulum after they tried climbing them.  ***   Officials said if Mr. Bieber wants to explore cultural ruins he should go back to Hollywood. 

6.     On this date in history: Jan 15, 1797 – The first top hat is worn in London by John Etherington.   ***   a.k.a. “Shorty”

7.     On this date in history: Jan 14, 1956 - Little Richard releases "Tutti Frutti."  ***  My translation app says that “tutti frutti” is Italian for “all fruits,”  but it’s having a little difficulty with “wah bop a loo bop a lop bom bom.”

8.     On this date in history: Jan 14, 1973 - Grateful Dead bass player Phil Lesh is arrested for drug possession.  ***  Headlines across the country announced the shocking news:  “Four Members of Grateful Dead Not Busted on Drug Charges.”

9.     On this date in history: Jan 13, 1920 – A New York Times editorial claims that rockets will never succeed in flying.  ***  Ironically, rockets are now flying high and newspapers are failing.

10.  On this date in history: Jan 13, 1979 – YMCA officials file a libel suit against the Village People for their song, “Y-M-C-A.”  ***  They submitted the necessary paperwork and then used their arms to spell “S-U-I-T.”