Friday, September 30, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 30, 2016

1.  Kim Kardashian plans to get a restraining order against the guy who ran up to her in Paris and tried to kiss her butt.  ***  Ms. Kardashian said she appreciates the gesture, but clarified that she only wants people to do that figuratively.

2.  A study at Michigan State University has found that riding a roller coaster can help men pass a kidney stone.  ***  Although it can be a little messy for the people sitting behind them.

3.  According to the website Delish.com, at least ten popular breakfast cereals have more sugar per serving than a glazed donut.  ***   OK, but I’m guessing that cops are still going to stick with the donut.

4.  Target has removed kids’ “mini carts” from its stores after complaints about carts careening out of control, bumping into people, and blocking the aisles.  ***  It just wasn’t safe having little kids around carts pushed by seniors.

5.  Professional ballerinas are upset at Kendall Jenner after she posed for Vogue in a variety of ballet outfits.  ***  What a bunch of whiners…I mean, you don’t hear prostitutes complaining when she dresses like a hooker.

6.  On this date in history:  Sep 30, 1452 – Johann Guttenberg's press prints its first book, the Bible.  ***   The print was sharp, the binding was tight and Bible-thumpers everywhere said it was perfectly thumpable. (In fact, they gave it two thumps up.)

7.  On this date in history:  Sep 29, 1969 – ABC premieres "Love American Style."  ***    Let’s see, that would include exaggerated profiles on match.com, countless displays of affection on Facebook and an ironclad pre-nup. 

8.  On this date in history:  Sep 28, 1980 – Jaromir Wagner becomes the first person to fly across the Atlantic standing on the wing.  ***  A bit cold, but much cheaper than coach.

9.  On this date in history:  Sep 27, 1988 – Lab tests reportedly show the “Shroud of Turin” is not Christ`s burial cloth.   ***   Perhaps beach blanket? 


10.  On this date in history:  Sep 26, 1957 – The musical "West Side Story" opens on Broadway.   ***  And, in a display of political correctness, the theater offered the East Side equal time to tell its story.

Friday, September 23, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 23, 2016

1.  After hearing reports of clowns trying to lure kids into the woods, an 11 year-old girl in Athens, Georgia brought a knife to school for protection.  ***  That’s ridiculous.  Everyone knows you fight clowns with seltzer bottles.

2.  Physicist Stephen Hawking says we should not announce our presence to alien beings in outer space, especially if they are superior to us.   ***  Actually, if they are superior, we should check and see if they’d like to run for president.

3.  Chinese scientists announced that their out-of-control space station will re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere next year and could strike a populated area.  ***  They said to determine if you’re at risk, check your next fortune cookie.

4.  Pizza Hut has introduced the Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza, which is a cross between a pizza and a grilled cheese sandwich…  ***  …and the eating experience is a cross between indigestion and a heart attack.

5.  Selena Gomez reportedly changed her phone number so Justin Bieber can’t reach her.    ***   Me, too…and it’s working.

6.  On this date in history:  Sep 23, 1969 – The Northern Star newspaper at Norther Illinois University starts a rumor that Paul McCartney is dead.   ***  Technically, they weren’t wrong, just early. 

7.  On this date in history:  Sep 22, 1692 – The last person is hanged for witchcraft in the U.S.  ***   Now we just vote them out of office.

8.  On this date in history:  Sep 21, 1930 – Johann Ostermeyer patents the flashbulb.  ***  If that was today’s camera technology, the Kardashians would go blind from selfies.

9.  On this date in history:  Sep 20, 1945 – German rocket engineers from World War II begin working in the U.S.   ***   Same technology, different targets. 


10.  On this date in history:  Sept 19, 1970 – The "Mary Tyler Moore Show” premieres.  ***  She plays a young TV news producer who is always cheerful and upbeat in spite of only making 72% of what a man would be paid. 

Friday, September 16, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 16, 2016

1.  WalletHub.com says that Michigan is the worst state for bullying, but a Michigan official says the state is doing an outstanding job of addressing the problem. *** He said anyone who doesn’t believe him is wussy little momma’s boy and all those crybabies can meet him behind the capitol building for a free knuckle sandwich.

2.  A 67 year old woman in Melbourne, Florida has set a world record for elderly females by covering 91.5% of her body with tattoos.  ***  You know, it’s surprising that there are still some seniors who haven’t heard of post-it notes.

3.  Ryan Lochte’s appearance on Dancing with the Stars was interrupted when two protestors wearing anti-Lochte T-shirts stormed the stage.   ***  According to Mr. Lochte, however, there were actually six heavily armed gunman wearing body armor who held him at gunpoint and then took all his money during the commercial.

4.  A Florida teenager recently arrested for attempting to fraudulently buy a car was previously convicted of impersonating a doctor and practicing medicine without a license.  ***  The law clearly states that unlicensed doctors are only allowed to treat patients who have the Bronze Plan.

5.  In Detroit, Norman Shy was sentenced to five years in prison for a kickback scheme that siphoned off money intended for school supplies.  ***  In his cell he was given a pen that was out of ink, a broken pencil sharpener and a 12-pack of crayons with 8 colors missing.

6.  On this date in history:  Sep 16, 1983 – Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes a U.S. citizen.  ***  Although there was a little delay when he listed his occupation as “Terminator.”

7.  On this date in history:  Sep 15, 1620 – The Mayflower departs from Plymouth, England and sails for America with 102 pilgrims onboard.  ***  Travelocity gladly took their money and assured them that their hotel reservations were guaranteed.

8.  On this date in history:  Sep 14, 1807 – Aaron Burr is acquitted of a misdemeanor charge. ***  He had been charged with DWI – Dueling While Intoxicated

9.  On this date in history:  Sep 13, 1788 – New York City becomes the capital of the United States.  ***  Thank goodness that didn’t stick. Instead of the White House, presidents would be living in the White Condo.


10.  On this date in history:  Sep 12, 1978 – The sitcom "Taxi" premiers on ABC television   ***  ABC is now working on a sequel; it will be called “Uber.”

Friday, September 9, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 9, 2016

1.  In Australia, an Air Asia flight flew hundreds of miles in the wrong direction because of the pilot’s navigational error.  ***  I believe the pilot’s name was Wong Wei.

2.  Wells Fargo Bank fired 5,300 employees for opening millions of unauthorized new accounts.  ***  Wow—where did they hide all the toasters?

3.  Following a serious crash two days ago, race car driver Will Power was cleared to resume driving after passing a mandatory concussion exam.  ***  In a test of the most critical driver skills, he was able to remember every one of his car’s sponsors.

4.  Police in Millersburg, Ohio arrested dozens of young Amish people at a drinking party in an open field.  ***  Actually, it was a “bon voyage” party for their horse-and-buggy trip to Cancun, with plans to arrive in time for spring break.

5.  Wells Fargo Bank is being criticized for an ad that seems to encourage teens to pursue lucrative careers, while disparaging artists and dancers and such.  ***  A company spokesman said the bank has nothing against people working in fine arts, but they shouldn’t bother coming in for a loan.

6.  Sainsbury’s supermarket in England has set aside two hours each week for “slow shopping,” which focuses on elderly customers and features special arrangements such as assorted snacks, chairs for resting and employees in every aisle to assist the senior shoppers …  ***  … and help them remember what they came for. 

7.  On this date in history:  Sep 9, 1908 – In Fort Myer, Virginia, Orville Wright makes the first one hour airplane flight.  ***  Today that would be 50 minutes on the tarmac, 10 in the air.

8.  On this date in history:  Sep 8, 1921 – Margaret Gorman of Washington D.C. wins the first Miss America pageant.  ***  Of course, the event wasn’t very interesting back in those days, when it was broadcast on radio.

9.  On this date in history:  Sep 7, 1880 – George Ligowsky patents a device to throw clay pigeons for trapshooters *** It was much more successful than his earlier attempts at designing flapping clay wings.


10.  On this date in history:  Sep 6, 1913 – In France, Adolph P. Goud becomes the first pilot to “loop-the-loop.”  ***  It would be several more years, however, before someone would do it intentionally.

Friday, September 2, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 2, 2016

1.  Yesterday’s explosion of a SpaceX rocket destroyed the satellite that Facebook was going to use to give Internet access across Africa.  ***  What a tragedy—an entire continent is still unable to post any cat videos.

2.  The European Commission has ordered Apple to pay over $14 billion in back taxes because of receiving illegal tax breaks in Ireland.  ***  After careful research, the Commission concluded that there’s no such thing as a “leprechaun deduction.”

3.  New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is being hit with unrelenting criticism for catching a shark and posting photos on Twitter.  ***   “You’re gonna need a bigger PR team.”

4.  The New York Times has revealed that President Obama’s favorite snack is almonds.  ***  And now it looks like we might be continuing the tradition of nuts in the White House.

5.  Shawn King, the wife of talk show host Larry King, has denied reports that she’s been having an affair.  ***  However, she did admit that it’s hard to get turned on by a guy who wears suspenders with his pajamas.

6.  On this date in history:  Sep 2, 490 B.C – Pheidippides runs 26 miles to seek aid from Sparta to fight Persia, and that run became the origin of the modern marathon.  ***  So, I wonder if Pheidippides got a free T-shirt.

7.  On this date in history:  Sep 1, 1922 – New York City requires all "pool" rooms to change their name to "billards.”   ***  Apparently there was a problem with people showing up in their swimsuits.

8.  On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1963 – The “Hot line” communications link between Washington D.C. and Moscow begins operation.  ***  Although Nikita Khrushchev quickly got tired of JFK’s “sorry, wrong number” prank calls.

9.  On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1887 – Thomas Edison patents the Kinetoscope, a device which produces moving pictures that a person views by looking through a peephole.  ***  In later years, however, he developed movies that were fit for the whole family. 


10.  On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1776 – American revolutionary forces withdraw from Manhattan.  ***  It was a strategically important location, but prices were outrageous.  

Friday, August 26, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 26, 2016

1.  A 16 year old Florida boy has survived a brain-eating amoeba thanks to a newly created drug. ***  Doctors said his condition was critical; in fact, if the parasite had destroyed any more of his brain the kid could have run for president.

2.  According to the website caring.com, the best state for retirement is South Dakota, because it’s reasonably affordable, there’s good healthcare… ***  …and there’s absolutely no risk of getting a heart attack from over-excitement.  

3.  Hillary Clinton went on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” last night to dispel questions about her health.  ***   She proved beyond a doubt that she is definitely able to stay up that late.

4.  Speedo has dropped its sponsorship of Ryan Lochte.  ***  Gee, and the marketing department was all ready to go ahead with their new advertising theme: “Liar, liar, Speedo on fire.”

5.  McDonald’s has recalled malfunctioning fitness trackers that it had started giving away with Happy Meals.  ***  Actually, if you buy a Happy Meal you already get a fitness tracker—it’s called a receipt.

6.  On this date in history:  Aug 26, 1907 – Houdini escapes from chains underwater at Aquatic Park in 57 seconds.  ***  Today, most men can’t even pull themselves away from the TV.

7.  On this date in history:  Aug 25, 1814 – The British capture Washington D.C.  ***   Most Americans now believe we should have let them keep it.

8.  On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1912 – Congress passes the “anti-gag law.”  ***  Parents can no longer force their children to eat brussel sprouts.

9.  On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1617 – The first one-way streets are established in London.   ***  Unfortunately, due to poor planning, everyone ended up on one side of the city and couldn’t get back.


10.  On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1846 – The U.S. annexes New Mexico.  ***   It became a state in 1912, after 66 years of failing to come up with a more original name.

Friday, August 19, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 19, 2016

1.  TV doctor Drew Pinsky (“Dr. Drew”) says he reviewed Hillary Clinton’s medical records and was shocked to see that she is getting treatments “from the 1950’s.”  ***  She must be on the Bronze Plan.

2.   A study by WalletHub.com has concluded that Michigan is the state with the most bullying.  ***  The study found that it’s because Michigan has the most wusses, nerds and geeks, and they all need to be taught a lesson.

3.  In Williamstown, Kentucky, a recreation of Noah’s ark opened for public preview, but critics say it inaccurately includes dinosaurs onboard.   ***   They’re also a bit skeptical about the shuffleboard courts.

4.  In Fairview Heights, Illinois, a 2 year old boy left in a running car managed to put it in gear and drive until hitting a police car.   ***  The cops said they were amazed; it was the first time they had seen a child driving without texting.

5.  Over 450,000 condoms are being distributed to athletes at the Rio Olympics.  ***  However, many countries are refusing them in hopes of winning a ton of medals 20 years from now.

6.  On this date in history:  Aug 19, 1934 – A plebiscite in Germany gives sole executive power to Adolph Hitler.  *** Apparently, Germans responded favorably to his campaign slogan, “Hey, what could possibly go wrong?”

7.  On this date in history:  Aug 18, 1962 – Peter, Paul & Mary release their 1st hit "If I Had a Hammer."  ***  The United Brotherhood of Carpenters immediately threatened violence unless they get a union card.


8.  On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1948 – The Philadelphia Phillies commit 8 errors in one game.   ***   Apparently their first error was coming to the ballpark.