Friday, April 24, 2015

Friday, April 24, 2015

1.        Mary Doyle Keefe, who posed for Norman Rockwell’s painting, “Rosie the Riveter,” has passed away at the age of 92.  ***   Actually, old riveters never die; they just get hammered.

2.        In Britain, the number of women becoming nuns has hit a 25-year high, and they say it’s because the Catholic church offers them everything they need:  A meaningful life, freedom from financial worry  *** and a really good dental plan.

3.        McDonald’s just revealed that it has already closed 350 locations this year, a move which was not previously announced.  ***  I think they should have at least told all those people lined up at the drive-thru.

4.        Target officials have apologized for web site snafus during the rush for the limited supply of Lilly Pulitzer resort clothing.  ***  On the other hand, WalMart is still struggling to unload its supply of Charlie Sheen designer flip-flops.

5.        Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, has died at the age of 14.  ***  An autopsy showed that the poor dog died from excessive exposure to pink.

6.        Nine distillery workers in Kentucky were arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of premium bourbon in oak barrels.  ***  The thieves are expected to be sentenced to several years of aging.

7.        At 39 years old, actress Charlize Theron says that women should embrace the aging process.  ***  In fact, she says looks forward to being 39 for many years to come.

8.        According to the web site, the most popular name for cats is Lily.  ***  Although most cats will respond to the popular nickname, GetOffTheCounterDammit!

9.        A Catholic priest in Ann Arbor is urging parishioners to arm themselves, and his church is hosting a concealed pistol license class. ***  Well, it looks like things might get a little more exciting on bingo night.

10.     A group of doctors is demanding that TV celebrity “Dr. Oz” be removed from his faculty position at Columbia University because of his “disdain for evidence-based medicine.”  ***  Additionally, the doctors wish to inform Dr. Oz that the Neilson Ratings are not considered evidence.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Friday, Apr 17, 2015

1.        A Detroit police officer has been arrested for a drive-by shooting  ***  …or, as they call it in Detroit, distracted driving.

2.        “Real Housewives” star Kim Richards was arrested after a drunken rage at the famous Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills and was charged with resisting arrest, battery of a police officer   ***  and failing to wait until the cameras were rolling.

3.        A Florida man landed his one-man gyrocopter on Capitol Hill in order to bring attention to “bi-partisan corruption” in Congress.  ***  Of course, that’s ridiculous. This Congress doesn’t do anything bi-partisan.

4.        Nine of the Atlanta school teachers accused of cheating to raise standardized test scores have been given jail sentences.  ***  Also, a note was sent home to their parents.

5.        Singer Percy Sledge has died at the age of 74.   ***   He is survived by his son, MC Hammer.

6.        A survey in Britain reveals that most people lie on a first date--men lie about their income and women lie about their age—but by the third date they start being honest.   ***   The survey also showed that there aren’t many fourth dates.

7.        U.S. officials filed a protest after an American reconnaissance aircraft was intercepted by a Russian jet in an unsafe manner.  ***   You know, those Russian pilots just never got over the opening scene of “Top Gun.”

8.        As Californians look for ways to conserve water, they are finding they need to make some big sacrifices.  ***   Water Conservation Tip #1: Drink scotch without water.  Water Conservation Tip #2: Drink enough of it that you don’t care about the sacrifices.

9.        Lindsay Lohan, who has moved to England to relax for a while, was furious when she found out her mother, Dina, is coming there to star in a TV show.  ***  After all, Lindsay has her pride, and she insists on being the first Lohan thrown into a British jail.

10.     An off-duty Secret Service agent was arrested last week for breaking into his ex-girlfriend’s home.  ***  This goes against everything the Secret Service stands for: Misbehaving while on duty.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Friday, Apr 3, 2015

1.        President Obama has been dismayed by the government downfall in Yemen, as well as the rebel setbacks in Syria and the outcome of the Israeli elections.  ***  You know, his Middle East Region bracket picks just aren’t doing well at all. (But he’s still hoping the U.S. makes it to the Final Four.)

2.        To reduce car-bike accidents, Volvo engineers have developed a new paint that makes bicycles more visible at night.  ***  And, they’ve added an audible warning by designing an extra loud baseball card to rub on the spokes.

3.        President Obama has shortened the prison sentences of 22 inmates serving time for drug offenses.  ***  Actually, he just recalculated their sentences using Common Core math.

4.        The State Department says it could only find four e-mails sent by Hilary Clinton regarding military drones.  ***  And in each case the Pentagon refused her request to target Monica Lewinsky.

5.        Gary Dahl, creator of the Pet Rock, has died at the age of 78.  ***  His family didn’t disclose his final wishes, but they did say they were looking for some really strong pallbearers.

6.        After six years of togetherness, Susan Sarandon and Jonathan Bricklin are splitting up.  They first met when he was only 31 and she was 62.  ***  Which gave a whole new meaning to the term “double dating.”

7.        Solar Impulse 2, a solar-powered plane on an around-the-world flight, has successfully made it to China.  The aircraft is an engineering marvel, with 17,000 solar panels, a 236 foot wingspan *** and adequate legroom.

8.        Some people think the new Barbie doll—which is connected to Wi-Fi so it can talk with little girls—is a bad idea.  ***  Yes, when those little girls grow up they’ll think they can just hook their husband up to Wi-Fi and actually carry on a conversation.

9.        It appears that a 180 year-old locomotive might be buried under Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn.  ***   City workers have heard an underground voice that keeps saying, “I think I can…I think I can…”

10.     Yelp reviews indicate the best restaurants for waffles are in California and Oregon.  ***  But the very best waffling is still up on Capitol Hill.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday, Mar 27, 2015

1.        With his recent weight gain and strange behavior, Robert Kardashian is not enjoying fame and good fortune like his sisters and mother.  ***  Yes, it’s sad when even a Kardashian can’t keep up with the Kardashians.

2.        Researchers at MIT and Harvard have found that although older people are more knowledgeable, people in their early 20’s can process information more quickly.  ***  In other words, younger folks can make bad decisions really fast.

3.        Actress Eva Mendes says women wearing sweatpants is the number one cause of divorce.  ***  And men wearing sweatpants is the number one result of alimony.

4.        First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on “Jeopardy” to promote her favorite cause, “Let’s Move.”  ***  And, in less than two years, she will.

5.        In an interview with The Huffington Post, David Hasselhoff revealed that his closet holds several sacks of chunks of the Berlin Wall. ***  They’re sitting right next to his collection of buckets of seawater from Baywatch.

6.        Ted Cruz used Twitter to announce that he’s running for president, and many more candidates are expected to follow.  ***  The difference between Twitter and the presidential race is that Twitter is limited to 140 characters.

7.        Some people believe Pope Francis performed a miracle in Naples when he kissed a vessel containing a saint’s dried blood and it turned to liquid.  ***  That’s nothing—he can say a few choice words to conservative cardinals and make their blood boil.

8.        While driving in Southern California, David Crosby of Crosby, Stills and Nash hit and injured a jogger. ***   “You…who are on the road…WATCH OUT!”

9.        In her upcoming book, Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend and a star of “The Girls Next Door,” says that life was not all wonderful and she once found herself alone in a bathtub, thinking of ending it all.  ***  People have been shocked by this disclosure.  They had no idea that Playboy women were ever alone in the bathtub.

10.     This past Sunday, hundreds of people in England witnessed the proper burial of the recently discovered remains of Richard III, who was known as the “Hunchback King.”  ***  However, many felt he should have been buried on a Wednesday.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friday, Mar 20, 2015

1.        “The Bold and the Beautiful” actress Karla Mosley says it will be revealed that her character, Maya, was originally a boy named Myron.  ***   It’s a bit far-fetched, but it’s the only way the writers could explain why Maya doesn’t like soap operas.

2.        According to a survey by the web site CareerBliss, the least enjoyable job in the U.S. is security guard.  ***   So, the most unhappy workers in the country carry guns.  What could possibly go wrong? 

3.        The senior editor of Ms. magazine blasted the makers of baby attire that has the words “I Hate my Thighs” because of its shame-inducing message.  ***  Yeah, I guess it’s not nice to make fun of someone with a lisp.

4.        In discussing “The Sound of Music” with Diane Sawyer, Julie Andrews confessed that she never liked the song “I Have Confidence.”  ***  She also admitted that the hills weren’t really alive.

5.        North Korean President Kim Jong Un is headed to Moscow to help celebrate Victory Day, which commemorates the defeat of Nazi Germany.   ***   President Kim is going so he can see what it’s like to celebrate a victory, since North Korea never had one of its own.

6.        The Secret Service is asking for $8 million to build a replica of the White House for training purposes.  ***   You know, there are a few presidential candidates who could use that. 

7.        “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson was barred from attending the funeral of her close friend, “The Simpsons” creator, Sam Simon.  ***  Relatives weren’t happy with her plan to put on a red swimsuit and run up the aisle in slow motion.

8.        Vladimir Putin finally made a public appearance after being out of sight for the past ten days.   ***  He said he had been hiking the Appalachian Trail.

9.        In New Delhi, India, a bride walked out of her wedding ceremony when the groom gave her an incorrect answer to a simple arithmetic problem.  ***  As she stomped out the door, the shocked groom could only mutter, “It was my understanding there would be no math.”

10.     According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Florida has the highest percentage of senior citizens.  ***  California claims that it actually has the most elderly residents, but out there they count everyone over 40.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday, Mar 13, 2015

1.        The U.S. Geologic Survey says the chance of a major earthquake hitting California has increased from 4% to 7%.  The new prediction is based on recent seismic activity, an updated technical analysis… *** …and the feeling that God is getting really upset with the Kardashians.

2.        An on-line petition calling for treason charges against the 47 senators who signed a letter to Iran now has over 165,000 signatures, well above the threshold that requires the White House to respond.  The last petition over the threshold called for Justin Bieber to be sent back to Canada.  ***  Supporters of the current initiative suggest that the government can save money by putting Bieber and senators on the same bus.

3.        Last week, after a night of heavy drinking, two Secret Service agents crashed their car into a White House security barrier.  ***  They were subsequently commended for realizing that they were in no condition to climb the fence.

4.        A jury has found that “Blurred Lines” infringed on Marvin Gaye’s songs and ordered Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams to pay $7.4 million.  ***  They also ordered Pharrell to fork over an extra million for wearing an unauthorized knock-off of a Canadian Mounties’ hat.

5.        Walmart officials are trying to shut down a tumblr-owned web site that uses the Walmart name and consists solely of one photo of a horse in front of a Walmart store.   ***  I wonder…would they be happier if the horse was wearing four flip-flops and a tank top?

6.        Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Las Vegas just unveiled a wax figure of Miley Cyrus sitting on a wrecking ball.  ***   Oh, I thought that was just Kim Kardashian with a haircut.  

7.        The aircraft in the Harrison Ford crash was an old Ryan, built way back in 1942, the same year that Mr. Ford was born.  ***  You know, you gotta be careful with those old classics…and the planes they fly.

8.        A North Korean official was caught illegally carrying $1.4 million in gold bars on an international flight.  ***  Maybe next time they can just send Mr. Rodman a check.

9.        A company in Switzerland has sold Russia $85 million worth of hi-tech camouflage netting.  ***  Vladimir Putin says it will be sent to Ukraine to hide Russian missiles and tanks that aren’t there.

10.     At his weekly public prayer, Pope Francis told followers that elderly people should not be treated as aliens.  ***  But Sigourney Weaver said it wouldn’t make a good storyline anyway.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Friday, Mar 6, 2015

1.        Harrison Ford isn’t doing much acting these days.  ***  In fact, you can often find him on the golf course.

2.        A study at the Boston University of Medicine shows that by exercising in his 40’s, when man hits 60 he’ll have stronger cognitive powers and less physical brain shrinkage.  ***  And that’s good, because then he won’t have to buy new hats.

3.        The Ringling Brothers Circus has announced that it is discontinuing all elephant acts.  ***  For sale:  Large assortment of heavy duty shovels.

4.        Mark Cuban and Ann Coulter will star in “Sharknado 3,” another air-borne shark sequel with more blood, guts and gore. ***  As in the first two movies, the victims will be the people who buy tickets.

5.        The four Kardashian ladies negotiated a $100 million deal with E! network.  ***   Well, keeping up with the Kardashians just got a little tougher.

6.        A survey of 736 college students shows that Facebook posts often make people envious, which can lead to severe depression.  ***  And then they get even more jealous because they aren’t as depressed as their friends are.

7.        Yahoo! celebrated its incorporation anniversary on Monday, just one day after Justin Bieber celebrated his birthday.  ***  Yahoo! Inc. turned 20 and the other yahoo turned 21.

8.        Leonard Nimoy, who just died at age 83, often used the phrase “Live long and prosper.”  ***  That wasn’t a Vulcan greeting; it was his “Star Trek” contract’s clause on residuals.

9.        In Sun City, Arizona, local citizens joined the chase for two escaped llamas that were running down city streets.  ***  But it turned to chaos when all the walkers and wheelchairs started hitting the speed bumps.

10.     The Department of Homeland Security has developed a plan to operate with fewer employees in case Congress lets funding run out.   ***  For example, airport screening will be streamlined;  travelers will only need to take off one shoe.