Friday, September 26, 2014

Friday, Sept 26, 2014

1.        The U.S. government has agreed to pay $554 million to the Navajo nation for mismanaging the tribe’s resources.  ***  The government had originally argued against the settlement and pointed out that it mismanages everybody’s resources.

2.        A Chicago church received $1.6 million from a real estate deal, and decided to give 10% of it to the congregation, which it called a form of “tithing.”  ***  Cash given to members of a congregation is usually called “hush money.”

3.        Justin Bieber is making a film with David Hasselhoff, and Justin will be the voice of KITT, the car from “Knight Rider.”  ***  This is expected to be the first time that the driver is sober and the car is drunk.

4.        Eleven tribes from the U.S. and Canada have signed an agreement that will allow buffalo herds to roam freely across both countries so the Indians can connect with them spiritually, ceremonially and culturally.  ***  The only thing that would be allowed to interfere with the buffalo would be construction of a casino.

5.        New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has reportedly lost 85 pounds, largely through the help of last year’s lap-band surgery.   ***  That’s the medical equivalent of lane closures.

6.        General Motors has just announced that the 2015 Cadillacs will be built at the Hamtramck plant, near downtown Detroit.  ***  Great--Now they can be carjacked right off the assembly line.

7.        President Obama created a huge controversy when he was photographed getting off the presidential helicopter and saluting the Marines with a coffee cup in his hand.  ***  The debate is still raging on:  Was the cup half empty or half full?

8.        After being severely criticized for allowing a man to scale the fence and run into the White House, the Secret Service has put strict new security procedures in place.  ***  From now on, anyone planning to break into the White House will be required to register in advance.

9.        According to a study by The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Americans’ waistlines are growing at an alarming rate. ***  Which is great news for the Belt-of-the-Month Club.

10.     In Biloxi, Mississippi, owners of the Margaritaville casino have filed for bankruptcy.   ***   According to the filing, assets include100 slot machines, numerous gaming tables and two tons of salt.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Friday, Sept 19, 2014

1.        The unique farmhouse featured in the background of the famous painting “American Gothic” is for sale.  ***  No homebuyers yet, but there have been ten offers on the pitchfork.

2.        Officials in Monroe County, Michigan have charged Hayley Turner for filing a false police report when she claimed to have been kidnapped last August on her way home from a video store.  ***  Police became suspicious when they suddenly realized that nobody goes to a video store anymore.

3.        Joe Biden’s trip to Des Moines, Iowa for a Democratic fund raising event has fueled speculation about his political plans for 2016.  ***  Des Moines city council?

4.        According to a survey by, drivers in Idaho are the rudest in the nation, but they are also among the safest.  ***  For example, in driver training they’re taught how to flip the bird while keeping two hands firmly on the wheel.

5.        LeBron James has unveiled his new Nike sneaker, the “LeBron 12.”  He says that it offers exceptional “stability and comfort.”   ***   Kind of like a really good NBA contract.

6.        Nik Wallenda, the daredevil who walked a tightrope across the Grand Canyon last year, has just announced that in November he will walk a tightrope stretched between two buildings in downtown Chicago.  ***  Actually, with Chicago’s crime rate, it’s more dangerous to walk from one building to another using the sidewalk.

7.        According to a study by, Detroit is the most expensive city in which to insure a vehicle.  ***  On the positive side, the coverage is automatically transferred to whoever steals the car.

8.        Former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford has broken up with his Argentine fiancĂ©e and former mistress.  ***  She knew it was over when he really did go hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

9.        In Troy, Michigan, a 45 year old man was arrested for flashing drivers on a busy avenue while wearing a hot pink shirt and a purple thong.  ***  He was charged with displaying an offensive color combination.

10.     North Korea charged a 24 year old American with espionage and sentenced him to six years of hard labor.  ***  The U.S. government has issued a strong protest, saying that since the accused is a Millennial, hard labor is a cruel and unusual punishment.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Friday, Sept 12, 2014

1.     McDonald’s has submitted paperwork to trademark “McBrunch.”  ***  The company has already trademarked McMuffin, McChicken and McHeartAttack.

2.     Nike is designing an airplane that would help athletes maintain their performance level when flying to “away” games.  It includes a massage area, lie-flat seats   ***   and a special cabin for steroid injections.

3.     Detroit is installing upgraded electronic parking meters that have longer lasting batteries, can be paid through a smartphone app  ***  and give you a refund for the unused time after your car is stolen.

4.     Nevada’s governor has declared a state of emergency because of extreme flooding.  ***  It’s so bad the only people playing the submerged slot machines are seniors with oxygen tanks.

5.     A New Jersey newspaper is investigating why that state’s three largest cities are having the biggest increases in crime.  ***  Because they have the most politicians?

6.     Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling his 5-ton Mercedes Unimog for $275,000.  ***  When someone asked him, “Made in Germany?” he said “No, the maid is still in California.”

7.     The Smithsonian is restoring a famous full-length painting of George Washington wearing black velvet.  ***  These days our heroes are painted ON black velvet.

8.     The Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Los Angeles caught on fire.  *** Observers reported that it went up in flames…down in flames…up in flames…

9.     A hacker recently breached the Obamacare website.  ***  This is a serious offense, because the program’s Open Hacking period doesn’t start until November 15th.

10.  A nine year old pajama-clad Canadian boy in Saskatchewan stole a city bus and drove it for three blocks.  ***  Police became suspicious when the bus started arriving at stops on schedule.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Friday, Sept 5, 2014

1.        Starbucks officials have apologized to a woman who was told she could not come into the store with her service dog, which she needs because of her bipolar disorder.  ***  However, Starbucks also said that if she was truly bipolar she would have had two service dogs.

2.        This week Dunkin’ Donuts opened its first store in Southern California, and some people waited in line for 24 hours.  ***  A few were on foot, but most of them were in their patrol cars.

3.        This week Dunkin’ Donuts opened its first store in Southern California, and some people waited in line for 24 hours.  ***  Which is the longest most of them had ever been away from a couch.

4.        In Reno, Nevada several young children were slightly injured at a science museum during a demonstration of a tornado.  ***   Actually, several young children running loose in a museum IS a tornado. 

5.        Because of international pressure, France has postponed delivery of a new warship to Russia.   ***   It wouldn’t matter; all French warships only move in reverse.

6.        A study published in the journal “Geochemistry, Geophysics, Geosystems” predicted the outcome if the active volcano under Yellowstone Park suddenly erupted.  ***  The scientists summarized their predictions with an old nursery rhyme:  “Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair…”

7.        Authorities investigating a threat against President Obama traced some clues to an abandoned VW Jetta.  ***  The embarrassed suspect had dumped it after his leader phoned him and yelled, “I told you to hijack a JET, you idiot—a JET.”

8.        In Ontario, Canada, Justin Bieber was arrested and then released pending a court appearance for running into a minivan with his ATV.  ***  The court case is “Minivan v. Mini-man.”

9.        Gun maker Smith & Wesson has just announced poor earnings for the past fiscal quarter and a weak forecast for the rest of the year.  ***  To remedy this, they will begin charging customers 10% of all proceeds from robberies successfully committed with a Smith & Wesson firearm.

10.     A study by Saint Louis University has shown that regular dancing can help seniors relieve leg pain.   ***   However, they could face a substantial increase in pain if the person they’re caught dancing with is not their spouse.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Friday, Aug 29, 2014

1.        A startup company has developed a wearable airbag for elderly people. It inflates to protect their hip bones if they fall down.  ***  Unfortunately, it then takes them two or three minutes to stop bouncing.

2.        The Islamic terrorist group ISIS claims it is burning massive marijuana fields in Syria.  ***  It’s not because of their anti-drug beliefs--They just figure it’s an easy way to get everybody downwind to mellow out and surrender.

3.        The Ralph Lauren company has developed a polo shirt with integrated wires and electronics that can send a Bluetooth signal giving the wearer’s pulse, breathing rate and other parameters.  ***  But most importantly, it will alert the wearer at the precise moment when the shirt goes out of style.

4.        Joan Rivers is in stable condition after she stopped breathing during throat surgery.  ***  Doctors immediately knew something was wrong--not because she stopped breathing, but because she stopped talking.

5.        According to a 22 year-long study by Georgia Southern University, parents of obese children are becoming less likely to recognize that their kids are overweight.  ***  Obamacare is responding to this disturbing trend by reaching out to the parents and offering free eyeglasses.

6.        A United Airlines flight to Denver was forced to land in Chicago after a fight broke out when one passenger prevented the woman in front of him from reclining her seat by using a special device called a “Knee Defender.”   ***  Most people know the device by its other name: Taser.

7.        Owners of two Taco Bell restaurants in Manhattan are accused of counterfeiting after giving customers fake $20 bills in change.  ***  And in a second charge of counterfeiting, they are also accused of trying to pass off their food as Mexican.

8.        In order to attract more business travelers, United Airlines says it’s going to begin offering hot meals.  ***   They’re going to heat up the peanuts.

9.        A 78 year old woman in Germantown, Pennsylvania shot and wounded her 45 year old son.  ***  So, after 45 years she’s still trying to get him to eat his vegetables.

10.     The Government Accountability Office says the swap of five Taliban prisoners for Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl was illegal.  ***  So, pack your bags, Bowe, you’re going back.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Friday, Aug 22, 2014

1.        An elderly Milwaukee woman called 9-1-1 when she thought she was having a heart attack, but she wasn’t, so EMS charged her $315.  ***  Fortunately, the story has a happy ending:  When she saw the charges she really did have a heart attack and got a refund.

2.        According to a study published in the journal “Nature,” Neanderthals and humans coexisted for 5,000 years, giving them plenty of opportunity to meet, mix and mate.  ***  Of course, to meet humans the Neanderthals had to be fairly creative in their profiles.

3.        According to a study published in the medical journal “Brain,” older people sleep less because they lose brain neurons that control sleep patterns.  ***   To be specific, they lose neurons that control nighttime sleep.  The neurons that control afternoon naps are still going strong.

4.        Casey Kasem’s wife plans to have him buried in Oslo, Norway.  ***  He once said it would be a cold day in hell before he’d be buried next to that overbearing woman, and she figured Oslo was close enough.

5.        Kid Rock is about to become a grandfather.  ***  And he’ll be changing his name to Kid Rocking Chair.

6.        A Harvard researcher claims “there is no limit to the human lifespan” and reaching 150 years old is very possible.  ***  In fact, he believes that someday people might even live long enough to pay off their student loans.

7.        In Altadena, California an 85 year-old man accidentally drove his car into a swimming pool when his footwear got entangled with the pedals.  ***  So, maybe it was a good thing he was wearing flippers.

8.        As part of the Ice Bucket Challenge, Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander dumped ice water on girlfriend Kate Upton.  ***  Actually, that’s just the Alaskan version of the wet T-shirt contest.

9.        A new Gallup poll shows that millennials are starting to show interest in spending money on housing, utilities and other necessities.  ***  In other words, they’re finally getting kicked out of their parents’ basement.

10.     According to a University of Oregon study, early morning is when elderly people are best able to carry out complex tasks and avoid distractions.  ***  The rest of the day they are better at carrying out distractions and avoiding complex tasks.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Friday, Aug 15, 2014

1.        People in Melbourne, Australia were shocked when a hospital faxed 200 notices regarding patients who had been discharged, but a clerical error had replaced the word “discharged” with “dead.”  ***  Actually, the notices weren’t wrong—just early.

2.        A study published in the Journal of Nutrition says that eating a lot of ramen noodles may increase the risk of cardiovascular disease or stroke. ***  Which is unfortunate, since people on a diet of ramen noodles probably can’t afford the hospital bills.

3.        Lindsay Lohan is preparing for her stage debut in a London play, but in a newspaper interview she confessed that she is nervous and afraid she’ll “mess up” opening night.  ***  Like getting arrested in the morning.

4.        Russia has given permission for NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden to stay there for an additional three years.  ***  I believe this is a humanitarian gesture.  Based on a recent photograph, it looks like it will take that long for his beard to grow out.

5.        After being charged with driving under the influence, Justin Bieber has pleaded guilty to a lesser offense of careless driving, and has agreed to take an anger management class.  ***  Actually, in his case it’s a temper tantrum management class.  (It’s like anger management, but they color pictures, take naps and have recess.)

6.        Harley-Davidson is recalling 3,000 motorcycles because excess vibration can cause the ignition switch to turn off.  ***  To ensure all Harley owners are effectively notified, a corrective action bulletin is now available in the form of a tattoo.

7.        An article on says that men should watch for certain “red flags” when dating a divorced woman.  ***  For example, if her ex has been murdered and she’s out on bail.

8.        Taylor Swift reportedly wore a racy outfit to the Teen Choice Awards, shedding her “girl-next-door” look.  ***  Her new look is “girl-you-wish-was-next-door.”

9.        According to an article in the journal “Neurology,” people who don’t get enough vitamin D have a higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s.  ***  In other words, if you don’t remember to take your vitamin D today, then chances are you won’t remember to take it tomorrow.

10.     A truck crashed near Lansing, Michigan and dumped 25 tons of human waste on the highway.  ***   Wow—and we thought Michigan roads were …uh…crappy before.