Friday, April 11, 2014

Friday, Apr 11, 2014


1.        A recent labor agreement in France prohibits employers from calling workers at home in the evening.  ***  But the employers aren’t too concerned—they can still reach most employees at their mistress’s.

2.        Arthur Smith, the man who wrote the song “Dueling Banjos,” has died at the age of 93.  ***  He asked that the tune be played as background music when his heirs start arguing over his will.

3.        A nursing home in East Neck, New York hired male strippers to entertain the seniors, and the son of one of residents became furious and sued the nursing home after seeing a photo of his mother stuffing money into a dancer’s underwear.  ***  I believe his exact words were, “Hey!  That’s my inheritance!”

4.        Mickey Rooney’s will revealed that his estate was only worth $18,000.   ***  I guess when Andy Hardy and the kids “put on a show” they should have raised the ticket prices.

5.        After a three-month dispute during which Direct TV dropped the Weather Channel, the two companies finally reached an agreement.  The Weather Channel then apologized to its viewers … *** … and promised to make up for it by forecasting all temperatures ten degrees higher.

6.        An inventor in England has created ice cream that glows in the dark.  ***  Unfortunately, it keeps on glowing after it reaches your waist and hips.

7.        Simon Cowell says he is not proud of having had an affair with his best friend’s wife and getting her pregnant, but having a child has put things in perspective and he is intent on achieving a better “work-life balance.”  ***   In other words, in the future he’ll have half his affairs at work and half of them at home.

8.        Authorities have uncovered two very sophisticated drug trafficking tunnels under the Mexican border near San Diego, complete with rail systems, electrical power and ventilation.  ***  As well as a tourist information center, a duty free shop and a McDonald’s.

9.        In an interview on CNN, Nancy Pelosi blamed former Vice President Dick Cheney for misleading the American people about the nature and extent of the CIA’s interrogation techniques.  ***   Yes, I believe it was Dick Cheney who said, “You can lead a horse to water, but you have to tie him to the board.”

10.     McDonald’s has closed all its restaurants in Crimea.  ***   It was actually because of Ronald McDonald.  Ever since Putin annexed the region there has been confusion whenever people referred to “That clown in Russia.”

Friday, April 4, 2014

Friday, Apr 4, 2014


1.        Scientists at the University of California have finally determined why zebras evolved with stripes;  it’s to deter biting flies, which avoid objects that are black and white.   ***  In fact, a later experiment showed that flies swarmed to the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

2.        The governors of Arizona and Nevada are proposing construction of a 290-mile interstate highway linking Phoenix and Las Vegas, although the project would take several years to complete.  ***   However, a Mexican drug cartel has offered to build a tunnel between the two cities in six months, tops.

3.        Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife of 30 years has been finalized.   ***  Actually, they had never actually gotten married; he just annexed her.

4.        Sales of diet sodas declined 3% in 2013 as Americans increasingly avoided artificial sweeteners.  ***  According to financial experts, the only thing we want artificially sweetened is our economic data.

5.        Charles H. Keating, Jr., who was at the center of the savings and loan failures in the 1980’s, has died at the age of 90.  ***   He will be buried in a safety deposit box.

6.        The world’s largest Ferris wheel, the 550-foot “High Roller,” has just opened in Las Vegas.  ***  Unfortunately, it operates like a roulette wheel, so sometimes you have to stay on for dozens of spins before your car stops at the unloading station.

7.        North Korea fired more than 100 artillery shells into South Korea’s territorial waters, and the South retaliated by shooting into the waters off North Korea.   ***   You know things are getting serious when they try to kill each other’s fish.

8.        For the fourth year in a row, Justin Beiber won “Fan’s Choice” at Canada’s Juno Music Awards in Winnipeg.   ***  Yeah, but he’ll be dethroned as soon as they find one hockey player who can sing.

9.        Deceased fashion designer L’Wren Scott left all of her worldly belongings to her companion of 13 years, Mick Jagger.   ***   Alas, her list of assets did not include “satisfaction.”

10.     A 1936 Nobel Peace Prize medal has just sold at auction. It was estimated to bring $100,000, but four bidders drove the final bid up to $1.1 million.   ***  Don’t you think there’s something wrong about bidders fighting for a Peace Prize medal?

Friday, March 28, 2014

Friday, Mar 28, 2014


1.        A Hasselblad camera used in NASA’s fourth moon landing has just sold at auction for nearly $1 million.  ***  “Houston, we have a profit.”

2.        Vladimir Putin has announced that he re-instating a Stalin-era physical fitness program called “Ready for Labor and Defense,” and there is serious talk about actor Steven Seagal being recruited to lead the effort.   ***   In a tough response, President Obama and the First Lady have launched their own fitness program, “Ready for Veggies,” which will be led by fitness guru Richard Simmons.

3.        The Coast Guard has inspected 140 cruise ships and found that many of them had lifeboats that did not meet minimum standards.   ***    Many of those lifeboats had no breakfast buffet, no shuffleboard and no evening entertainment.

4.        Former President Jimmy Carter believes the government is spying on him, so instead of e-mailing messages to foreign leaders he writes the letters and mails them at the post office.   ***  That walk to the post office also provides good exercise and gives him a chance to show off his protective aluminum foil hat.

5.        A three-year-old boy in California survived a three-story fall when a couple moving into a nearby house put a mattress under him after they saw him dangling from a window.  ***  Unfortunately, it was a “Sleep Number” bed and the kid had to hang on while the couple argued about what number to set.

6.        The Playtex company is recalling its Deluxe Double Electric Breast Pump because of the danger of electric shock.  ***  Wow—if you thought Playtex bras could “lift and separate” …

7.        After years of efforts by friends and relatives of forgotten heroes, President Obama awarded 24 Medals of Honor for men who should have received them long ago.  ***   Unfortunately, the application process involved a government-designed web site.

8.        Kevin Trudeau has been sentenced to ten years in prison for his diet book infomercials in which he made fraudulent claims, false promises and lies.   ***  In imposing sentence, the judge said if Mr. Trudeau wanted to do those things legally he should have been a politician.

9.        A family in Portland, Oregon had to call 911 because their 22 pound cat was acting hostile and attacking them.   ***   OK, so scratch the Jenny Craig diet.

10.     A recent study shows that life expectancy varies from country to country, but in every industrialized nation women tend to live 5 to 10 years longer than men.  Some experts say that’s because women are better at managing stress.  ***   Yes, they manage to give it to the men.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Friday, Feb 28, 2014


1.        A jihadist group in Syria has laid down 12 rules that Christians must follow.  ***  Wow.  God only gave them 10.

2.        Attorney General Eric Holder was hospitalized when he began experiencing “lightheadedness.”  He was given some medication and then released just three hours later, *** after his head returned to its normal weight.

3.        Last year the number of hate groups in the United States dropped from 1,007 to 939.   ***   And that’s in spite of the fact that the list now includes the Democratic and Republican parties.

4.        A study by Cornell University has shown that people who are in a good mood are 77% more likely to eat healthy food.  *** They’re also 77% more likely to get beat up by people who are in a bad mood.

5.        According to a survey by the IRS Oversight Board, 12% of Americans feel it’s OK to cheat on taxes.  ***   Personally, I think it’s immoral to cheat on a tax return.  That’s why I never file one.

6.        General Motors is arguing with NHTSA regarding the possible recall of 200,000 Silverado trucks with instrument displays that can briefly cut out.   ***   GM says that most drivers are busy texting and don’t even look at the instruments.

7.        An enterprising 13 year old San Francisco girl sold 117 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in two hours by setting up shop outside a medical marijuana clinic.  ***  She said the most requested cookie was “Whatever.”

8.        A spelling bee in Kansas had to be halted when the judges ran out of words.  The final two competitors—went head-to-head for 66 words.   ***  Wow, that’s amazing. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Amazing.

9.        The closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics was highlighted by the bear mascot blowing out the flame on the Olympic torch.  ***  Amazingly, the torch had stayed lit during the entire Olympics just by burning Sochi tap water.

10.     At the Frankfurt airport in Germany, many flights had to be canceled when security workers went on strike to demand higher wages.  ***  Thus demonstrating the difference between a “pat-down” and a “shake-down.”

Friday, February 21, 2014

Friday, Feb 21, 2014


1.        The Michigan Department of Transportation says that coping with the severe winter weather has used up much of the budget for maintenance during the summer.    ***  But that’s OK because it doesn’t look like we’re ever going to have a summer.

2.        Spike TV is coming out with a miniseries that chronicles the decade-long dispute between casino moguls Donald Trump and Steve Wynn.   ***  I believe the name of the show is “Who Cares?”

3.        Legislators in Kansas have introduced a bill that would permit teachers to spank students harder—even hard enough to cause redness and bruising.  They claim it would help improve discipline  ***  and let them cut down on waterboarding.

4.        An American warship assigned to provide protection near Sochi has run aground.  ***  Thus giving the United States a gold medal in the “national embarrassment” competition.    

5.        In Los Angeles, the foundation for the New Wilshire Grand skyscraper is expected to set a world record for the largest continuous cement pour, involving 2,100 truckloads of cement.  ***  It is also expected to set a new record for the number of mafia victims buried in a single pour.

6.        Lamar Odom has signed on with a basketball team in Spain.  He would have preferred continuing with the NBA, but he wanted to get a fresh start, re-establish his credibility  *** and get as far away from the Kardashians as possible.

7.        After a West Chester University student was denied a $10,000 prize for sinking a half-court shot in a basketball contest because of technicality, Pizza Hut stepped in and gave him the money.  ***  And, in a further effort to reward unbelievable  performances, Pizza Hut also offered to pay $10,000 for any basket made by the Milwaukee Bucks.

8.        After a breakdown in the Syrian peace talks, Syria’s foreign minister accused the United States of creating a “negative climate.”   ***   Yep. In fact, that’s our latest version of global climate change.

9.        Federal authorities have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash spill.  They say the incident created enough toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools.  ***  And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad as the tap water in Sochi.

10.     According to Time magazine, the most influential candy bar of all time is the “Kit Kat” bar:

One reason is that it’s the first candy marketed with the theme of “sharing.”   ***  Even though there has never been a documented case of anybody ever actually sharing one.

Secondly, its commercials have a jingle (Gimme a break…Gimme a break…) that you can’t get out of your head.  ***  And eating them gives you a jiggle that you can’t get out of your waist.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Friday, Feb 14, 2014


2014-02-14

1.     Federal authorities have launched a criminal investigation into the North Carolina coal ash spill.  They say the incident created enough toxic sludge to fill 73 Olympic sized swimming pools.  ***  And in another Olympic analogy, they said the sludge was almost as bad as the tap water in Sochi.

2.     Archaeologists from Tel Aviv University have found evidence that camels were not domesticated until the 10th century B.C., indicating that early parts of the Old Testament were not written by first-hand eyewitnesses.   ***  They also say that God did NOT create the camel on the third day of the Creation as some sort of “hump day” joke.

3.     A Rutgers professor was suspended after telling students he was not qualified to teach the class he was assigned.  ***  I guess he should learn to hide his feelings of incompetency…like Joe Biden.

4.     The Cuban government issued official photographs of Fidel Castro meeting with the president of Argentina, but they had been altered to eliminate Castro’s hearing aid.  ***  They don’t want citizens to get the mistaken impression that the government actually listens.

5.     Penguins at the Scarborough Sea Life Sanctuary in England are being given anti-depressant pills to help them make it through this year’s miserable winter weather.   ***  I believe those are the same pills being given to Prince Charles to help him make it through his marriage to Camilla.

6.     Toyota is recalling 1.9 million Prius’s because of a condition that can cause them to suddenly slow down.  ***  I believe that condition is called “a hill.”

7.     Athletes at the Olympics have been told they cannot have helmet decals or armbands that commemorate fellow athletes who have died.  ***  However, they are allowed to display names of competitors who they wish were dead.  

8.     There have been a lot of surprises in the Olympics so far.  ***   For example, Ukraine took a gold medal in “solo hijacking.”

9.     The Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony was especially exciting with all the pyrotechnics.   ***  Every third firework was actually the launch of a short-range ballistic missile.

10.  Last Friday a man was arrested after trying to climb over the White House fence.  ***  It was Joe Biden, trying to get out.


 


Friday, February 7, 2014

Friday, Feb 7, 2014


 
32 ! — That’s the final count of how many of my jokes Jay Leno used in his monologues on the Tonight Show.  As some of you know, every morning for the past three years I’ve submitted “Bill’s Pills” to Jay and his staff.  (I had to exclude the ones that he used from this weekly blog because if he used it he owned it).

Of course, I was sad and sorry to see Jay’s time on the Tonight Show come to an end last night, but he had a great run.  And for me, being involved in a small part of all that was an absolute thrill.

But even though Jay’s gone, Bill’s Pills will continue!
  


1.     Archaeologists digging underneath downtown Miami say they’ve found evidence of an ancient civilization there.  ***   Actually, there’s still an ancient civilization in Miami.  (And you can find them at the early bird specials.)
 
2.     The White House is putting on a big push to get young adults to sign up for Obamacare.  It’s a tough sell, because people in that age group think they’re going to be healthy forever.  ***  In fact, they’re more na├»ve than teenagers, who merely think they’re going to live forever.

3.     The giant pharmacy chain CVS has announced that it will no longer sell tobacco products.   ***  They need the shelf space for marijuana.

4.     The former personal secretary of the late pope John-Paul II is coming under criticism for publishing a 640 page book of the pope’s personal notes even though John-Paul’s will said that the notes should be burned.   ***   Apparently the documents contain proof that the pope had advanced knowledge of Vatican lane closings.

5.     Fans trying to leave New Jersey after attending the Super Bowl complained about mass transit delays and overcrowding.  ***  Governor Christie apologized and assured them that it was just part of a new traffic study.

6.     In a recent interview Miley Cyrus said she wants young women to know that they don’t have to wear make-up.  ***  Well, guess which celebrity doesn’t yet have her own line of cosmetics.

7.     According to a poll by the Democratic firm Public Policy Polling, NBC News and sister network MSNBC rank near the bottom of who Americans trust for the news.   ***  So, if what NBC says might not be the truth…maybe Jay Leno’s not really fired!  (Jimmy Fallon!  Stay where you are!  Don’t believe what they told you!).

8.     In an interview on CNN, Dennis Rodman said he’d be willing to take the place of Kenneth Bae, the American who is currently being held in a North Korean prison.   ***  Thanks, but that’s really not necessary, Dennis.  The U.S. government would be glad to put you in a prison right here in your own country.

9.     Two Norwegian politicians have nominated Edward Snowden for the Nobel Peace prize.  ***  Well, now we know two guys that he’s got the goods on.

10.  Christie Brinkley, who just turned 60 years old, posed in a swimsuit on the cover of People magazine.  She said, “I’m actually excited about turning 60.  I’m at the top of my game.”  ***  That’s true, although her game is now shuffleboard.