Friday, July 28, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 28, 2017

1.   June Foray has passed away at the age of 99; she was the cartoon voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Russian spy Natasha Fatale.  ***  Hmmm…it seems VERY SUSPICIOUS that Ms. Foray died just two days before Natasha was due to testify about  alleged connections with Donald Trump’s campaign staff.

2.   One day after canceling the tour promoting his new album with hits like “What Do You Mean?” and “Sorry,” Justin Bieber struck a paparazzo while driving away from an event in Beverly Hills.  ***  He will now start working on his next album, with songs like “Get the H*** Out of My Way,” “Move Your Sorry A**,” and “Hey, I’m Glad I Broke Your Camera.”

3.   Steve Whitmire, who was fired after 27 years of puppeteering Kermit the Frog, said it had been even more than a job, a career and a passion—it was his whole life.  ***  In fact, in one of the interviews Mr. Whitmire got so emotional he fell off his lily pad.

4.   The big annual Taedonggang Beer Festival in North Korea has been cancelled.  ***  Several organizers had woken up in a cold sweat after having nightmares about Kim Jong Un putting on lederhosen and trying to dance the polka.

5.   A Texas-based coffee distributor has been ordered to recall a coffee blend that contains a chemical similar to the active drug in Viagra.  ***  Authorities were forced to take action after state-wide complaints about employees being late for work.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 28, 1931 – "The Star-Spangled Banner" is designated as our national anthem.  ***  It was unanimously approved by baseball parks everywhere. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1844 – Fire destroys the U.S. mint at Charlotte, NC.  ***   How sad.  Just a day earlier it was in mint condition.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1990 – General Hospital tapes its 7,000th episode.  ***  It was about the unlikely love affair between a dedicated doctor and a patient who was only on the Bronze Plan.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1943 – Benito Mussolini is dismissed as premier of Italy.   ***   He knew something was up when they asked him to come down to the HR Department.

10.  On this date in history:  July 24, 1967 – The Beatles sign a petition in The Times to legalize marijuana.  ***  As an incentive, they said if it was legalized they would explain the lyrics to “I Am the Walrus.”

Friday, July 21, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 21, 2017

1.   People are complaining that the Democrats’ new campaign slogan for 2018, “Better Skills, Better Jobs, Better Wages,” is too similar to the Jimmy John’s slogan, “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza.”  ***  Actually, they should just use the Jimmy John’s slogan—at least it’s a promise they could deliver.    

2.   During a routine traffic stop, police in Austin, Texas discovered 75 pounds of liquid meth hidden in jugs of engine degreaser.  ***  Actually, meth is a terrific engine cleaner, if you don’t mind potholes in your driveway.

3.   A storm system over the Atlantic has been named “Don” while one over the Pacific has been named “Hilary.”  ***  That’s very appropriate—in fact, the only difference between Mr. Trump and Ms. Clinton and the two potential hurricanes is that hurricanes have a higher approval rating.

4.   American Airlines is denying that one of its planes was evacuated at the Raleigh-Durham Airport because passengers were getting nauseous after someone “passed gas.”  ***  The airline said the odor was likely due to a mechanical issue, but just to be safe they will no longer serve the burrito special.

5.   A truck accident on Route 101 in Oregon resulted in a shipment of thousands of live eels spilled across the highway.   ***   State officials said they hadn’t seen that many slimy, disgusting, blood-sucking creatures since the last political convention.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 21, 1931 – A horse race track in Reno is the first venue in the U.S. to feature a “daily double.”  ***   Oh.  I thought that was “Jeopardy.”

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1881 – Indian leader Sitting Bull surrenders to federal troops.   ***   As a sign of respect, the soldiers didn’t make him stand up. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1976 – The rock group “Deep Purple” disbands.   ***  Of course, we all remember when they first formed and were considering the names “Burgundy,” “Maroon,” and “Eggplant.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1872 Britain introduces secret ballot voting.   ***  It was so secret even the voters didn’t know who they were voting for.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1988 – San Francisco has a record high temperature of 103 degrees.  ***  Down at Fisherman’s Wharf, the Ghirardelli Company had a special on dark chocolate soup. 

Friday, July 14, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 14, 2017

1.   A funeral home in Flint, Michigan has been shut down because of unhealthy conditions and decomposing bodies.   ***   Contrary to local rumors, the toxic drinking water did not work well for embalming.

2.   A district judge in Hawaii has ruled that President Trump’s travel ban from Muslim countries does not apply to grandparents of U.S. citizens.  ***  In order to enter the U.S., elderly couples must show proof of having sent ten years of birthday cards with $5 tucked inside.

3.   Muppet Show veteran Matt Vogel will be replacing Steve Whitmore as the puppeteer for Kermit the Frog.  ***  The noticeable change in Kermit’s voice will be explained to all the young viewers through an educational story about puberty.

4.   In a case of extreme road rage, an Episcopalian priest was arrested in Florida for threatening another driver with his Glock pistol.   ***   The priest quickly apologized and said the gun is normally used just to keep people awake during his sermons.

5.   A Delta Airlines passenger trying to open an exit door during a flight from Seattle to Beijing was subdued by a flight attendant who hit him over the head with two bottles of wine.  ***  In accordance with Delta policy, since the incident took place in first class it was OK to hit him with the chardonnay AND the pinot noir.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 14, 1973 – Phil Everly storms off the stage and declares an end to the Everly Brothers  ***  He was sick and tired of always fighting Don for the hairspray.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1987 – A federal judge throws out Bette Midler's $10 million suit against Ford Motor Co, who used a sound-alike voice for their TV commercials.  ***  Ford was also accused of music plagiarism in a lawsuit filed by Ms. Midler’s boyfriend at the time, the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1960 – USSR's Sputnik 5 is launched with two dogs.  ***  They would have gone with cats, but there just wasn’t room for the litter box (and in a weightless environment—very messy). 

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1955 – Congress authorizes all U.S. currency to say "In God We Trust."   ***  It sounded a little better than their second choice: “Heaven Help Us.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 10, 1982 – Trapeze artist Miguel Vasquez makes the first public quadruple somersault.   ***  Actually, he was just going for a triple, but he lost count.

Friday, July 7, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 7, 2017

1.   United Airlines has apologized to a mother who had to hold her two-year old son on a 3-hour flight after a man got onboard during a layover and claimed the boy’s double-booked seat.  ***  A United spokesman said it was a case of human error-- according to company policy the man should have held the boy.

2.   A woman in Oklahoma tried to recruit a man to kill her husband and showed him her plan with a PowerPoint presentation.  ***   It’s the first time PowerPoint was involved in trying to kill someone; normally the app is just used to put people to sleep.

3.   At the Cheyenne Mountain Resort in Colorado Springs, a 73 year old woman drove into the swimming pool in her car.   ***  Witnesses said they were just thankful she didn’t go into the pool in her bikini.

4.   Police in Merida, Mexico accused three Playboy bunnies of working without visas, then arrested them and put them in a holding cell.  ***  The cops then took turns going into the cell and holding them.

5.   This weekend New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and his family had sole use of a beach he had closed due to the state’s financial crisis.  ***   Of course, that was a unique situation--Usually he just keeps the crowds away by shutting down lanes on the highway.

6.   Kelly Osborne says she peed her pants in the Gay Pride parade in NYC because the Starbucks she went to didn’t have a restroom.  ***  In an effort to improve service, customers in that situation will now be given an empty cup with their name written on it.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 7, 1987 – Kiwanis Clubs end their men-only tradition and vote to admit women.  ***  However, the women all quit in disgust after learning the meaning of the word “kiwanis.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1535 – In England, Sir Thomas More is executed for treason.  ***  First they almost executed a Mr. Less; someone apparently heard that Less is More. 

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1981 – Rajan Mahadevan recites 31,811 digits of pi from memory.  ***  And then forgot to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home. 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 3, 1984 – A Dolphin rocket is launched off San Clemente Island.  ***  And boy, was that fish terrified.

Friday, June 30, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 30, 2017

1.   A woman is suing Johnny Utah’s bar in Manhattan for allowing her to ride a mechanical bull while she was drunk.  ***  Actually, the amazing thing is that she filed the lawsuit while she was sober.

2.   Actress Mayim Bialik, who plays Amy on “Big Bang Theory,” cannot talk for one month because she sprained her vocal chords.  ***  So, for the next few episodes Amy will respond to all of Sheldon’s snide comments with her middle finger.

3.   For the fourth consecutive time, a pit bull won the election for mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, beating a cat, a chicken, a donkey and a little boy.  ***   How sad--even that little town had a better slate of candidates than the last presidential election.

4.   At the state capitol in Little Rock, Arkansas, a man drove his car into a newly erected granite slab with the Ten Commandments and shattered it.  ***  Because of budget constraints, state officials decided to leave the pieces where they fell and just erect a sign saying “Moses slipped.”

5.   At a Six Flags amusement park in New York, a 14-year old girl slipped out of an aerial ride and was caught by a group of people 25 feet below.  ***  It was so scary that hundreds of kids immediately ran to get in line.

6.   According to a recent study by the Employee Benefit Research Institute, more than 10% of retirees are "not at all satisfied" with retirement.  ***  Actually, they weren’t satisfied with working, either, but at least then they had someone to complain to.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 30, 1975 - Just four days after divorcing Sonny Bono, Cher marries Gregg Allman.   ***  Sonny immediately records his new song, “I Lost You, Babe.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1916 – A Boeing aircraft flies for the first time.   ***   Unfortunately, it was the fifth attempt.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1986 – The U.S. informs New Zealand that it will not defend that country against attack.   ***  You know, it was the beginning of summer, baseball season was underway, the big Fourth of July holiday was coming up, etc., etc.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 26, 1797Charles Newbold patents the cast iron plow.  ***  And the horses all thought, “Really? You couldn’t come up with something a little lighter?” 

Friday, June 23, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 23, 2017

1.   Police in Puyallup, Washington arrested three teenagers who complained that their drive-thru order was shorted and then pulled a gun on employees at Jack-in-the-Box.  *** Company officials said they were relieved that no one was hurt, and they now plan to upgrade all their restaurants to Jack-in-the-Bulletproof-Box.

2.   A European company is now marketing “Coco Loco,” a powdered chocolate that can be snorted.  ***  It’s not addictive, but your nose gets fat.

3.   A federal judge in Detroit has approved a $6.5 million settlement for exotic dancers at the Déjà Vu strip clubs.  ***  He also ruled that the money must be paid in $5 bills and stuck in their G-strings.

4.   Bob Barker, the former host of “The Price is Right,” was hospitalized after falling and hitting his head. ***  He’s feeling better now, but he’s tired of all the doctors making him guess how much his treatment is going to cost.

5.   In New York City, the Saks Fifth Avenue store now has an entire floor dedicated to workout gear, yoga mats and exercise programs.  ***  It’s part of their new plan to offer clothes in just one size and make the customers fit.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 23, 1972 – President Nixon and H.R. Haldeman agree to use the CIA to cover up the Watergate break-in.   ***   That was clearly an abuse of power—presidents are only supposed to use the CIA to cover up their affairs.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1990Florida passes a law that prohibits women from wearing a thong bathing suit.   ***    If they’re on Social Security.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1913 – Tiny Broadwick becomes the first woman to parachute from an airplane.  ***   It was a successful jump, unlike the later attempt by her older sister, Big Bertha Broadwick.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1939 – A rocket plane makes its first test flight using liquid propellants.   ***  It was flown by a test pilot using liquid courage.

10.  On this date in history:  June 19, 1952"I've Got a Secret" debuts on CBS with Garry Moore as host.  ***   They later came out with a similar show for kids: “I Know Something You Don’t Know – Nyaa, Nyaa, Nyaa.”  

Friday, June 16, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 16, 2017

1.   Fugitive polygamist Lyle Jeffs was arrested by FBI agents who found him living alone in his truck after his 8 wives and 60 children left him.  ***  I guess he should have had a bigger truck.

2.   Many United Airlines customers are unhappy with the restrictions of the new budget fare, “Basic Economy,” such as a limited carry-on, no seat changes and being the last to board…   ***  …so the other passengers and crew can point at them and laugh.

3.   A Virginia Beach high school student who participated in a big toilet papering prank was barred from graduation ceremonies and will receive his diploma in the mail.  ***  But the school principal promised him it would be a very special diploma: 2-ply, perforated and pulled off a roll.

4.   A woman in Grand Rapids was kicked out of a shopping mall because she was wearing a tank top.   ***    Geesh, and at Wal-Mart you’re kicked out if you aren’t.

5.   Little-known Aldi plans to invest $3.4 billion to become the third largest grocery chain in the country by building new stores and updating existing ones.   ***    Unfortunately, a company spokesman confirmed that $3.4 billion won’t be enough to fix all the grocery carts with one wheel that goes “Clunk… clunk… clunk… clunk…”       

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 16, 1961 – Soviet ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev defects to the West in Paris.  ***  It was tough for him to avoid detection, being the only guy running down the Champs d’Elysees in tights.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1951 – The first commercial electronic computer is dedicated in Philadelphia.  ***   People were amazed by the powerful new technology and spent the rest of the day playing solitaire. 

8.   On this date in history:  June 14, 1954 President Eisenhower signs an executive order adding the words "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance.  ***   Cautious White House lawyers, however, were reluctant to approve the change without first getting God’s permission.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1927  – Charles A. Lindbergh is welcomed to New York City with a ticker-tape parade. ***  The only people not celebrating were the street sweepers.

10.  On this date in history:  June 12, 1967Israel wins what became known as “The Six Day War.”  ***   That was very impressive—it was originally scheduled to go nine.