Friday, April 20, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 20, 2018

1.   A man in the Detroit suburb of Westland caused a 5-car pile-up, then stripped naked and started dancing in the middle of the street.   ***   Just another Michigan audition for “America’s Got Talent.”

2.   Studies at UCLA have found that excessive time spent sitting can physically affect certain regions of the brain.  ***  Researchers say these results seem to support common accusations about where some people’s heads are located.

3.   Fox News’ Sean Hannity, who was identified as the third client of pay-off lawyer Michael Cohen, said he only used Mr. Cohen for real estate deals.  ***   For example, keeping someone quiet by offering them a house.

4.   The company that makes Necco Wafers is going out of business.   ***   Ah yes, the candy that made all us little Catholic kids expect that communion wafers would be fruit flavored.   

5.   Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly recovering nicely from his recent emergency open heart surgery.  ***  In fact, he has already been asking for a television, reading material and maid service.

6.   On this date in history:  April 20, 1981 – The final episode of the TV show "Soap" is broadcast.   ***  It was replaced by a spin-off series, “Rinse.”   

7.   On this date in history:  April 19, 1770Captain James Cook lands in Australia for the first time.  ***  After seeing a platypus, a kangaroo and a boomerang, he immediately decided to stop drinking.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 18, 1663 – Osman declares war on Austria.  ***  Since no one today ever heard of Osman, it’s a safe bet that Austria won that one.  

9.   On this date in history:  April 17, 1521Martin Luther is excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church.   *** Not only is he barred from receiving the sacraments, but he is also banned from bingo nights, fish fries and the annual church picnic.

10.  On this date in history:  April 16, 1986 – To dispel rumors that he's dead, Moammar Qadhafi appears on television.   ***  Yeah, every once in a while Larry King does the same thing.

Friday, April 13, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 13, 2018

1.   Yesterday was National Grilled Cheese Day.  ***   In honor of the occasion, a congressional committee grilled the big cheese at Facebook.

2.   In Idaho Falls, Idaho, a flock of fifty geese fell from the sky after being struck by lightning.  ***  I guess even God has a limit to how much of that squawking he can stand.

3.   Airbus is designing a plane with sleeping berths in the cargo hold.   ***   To get onboard, passengers will be thrown onto a conveyer belt.

4.   EPA head Scott Pruitt has defended his security expenditures by saying he has received threats of violence for rolling back numerous environmental protections, but the agency has no evidence of any such threats.  ***  Except for a few occasions when he was bitch-slapped by Mother Nature.

5.   Apple CEO Tim Cook says if he were “king for a day” he would eliminate Wall Street’s focus on quarterly financial results.  ***  But, he also said he wouldn’t want to be king for any longer than a day because he couldn’t stand the pay cut.

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 13, 1959 – The Vatican forbids Roman Catholics from voting for communists.  ***   It was apparent the Church was getting too involved when authorities started collecting ballots in wicker baskets with long handles.

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 12, 1858The first U.S. billiards championship is held in Detroit.  ***  However, organizers regretted their choice of venue when the event was delayed after someone stole all the balls.

8.   On this date in history:  April 11, 1984Challenger astronauts complete the first in-space satellite repair.  ***  The repair work was fairly quick, once they found the duct tape.   

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 10, 1841 – The New York Tribune begins publishing under editor Horace Greeley.  ***   Mr. Greely later inspired many men when he famously advised, “Go West, young man,” thus leaving him alone in the East with all the women.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 9, 1878 – First Lady Lucy Hayes begins the egg rolling tradition on the White House lawn.  ***  Things like that can happen when you stagger home drunk one night and wake up in the back yard.

Friday, April 6, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 6, 2018

1.   This week a huge fire broke out on Scotland’s Isle of Rum.  ***  Firefighters, led by a Captain Morgan, have been fighting the blaze with a lot of ice and several truckloads of Coke.

2.   Effective today, Starbucks is bringing back Happy Hour, starting with 50% off espresso from 3:00 PM to closing time.   ***   In a related move, the company also announced that it has entered into a business partnership with Ambien.  

3.   A woman in Phoenix was arrested after using a stun gun to wake up her son for Easter church services.  ***  She later apologized to authorities and said the only reason she even has the device is in case he falls asleep during the sermon.

4.   In Rome, authorities had to seal off part of the St. Peters Cathedral after chunks of plaster fell down, endangering visitors.  ***   However, there were brisk sales of the new Vatican T-shirt, “I got plastered at St. Peters.” 

5.   Forty life-size wax figures of Amish people are for sale in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.  ***  They were rented out to Amish who wanted to drive their buggies in the carpool lane. (It actually worked great, until the weather turned warm…)

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 6, 1925 – A British Air flight features the first film shown on an airplane.  ***  Actually, passengers in first class got the movie; the ones in coach just got the popcorn.

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 5, 1806Isaac Quintard patents apple cider.   ***  He then followed up with the invention of cinnamon donuts.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 4, 1818 – Congress changes the U.S. flag to 13 red and 13 white stripes, with 20 stars.  ***   The meaningful design reflected the fact that there were 13 original states and Congress got 20 paid holidays.

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 3, 1985 – In London, Vic Elliot pockets 15,780 pool balls in 24 hours.  ***   Must have been big pockets.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 2, 1978"Dallas" premieres on CBS as a 5 week mini-series.  ***  They soon extended it, as it took four seasons just to introduce all the characters who wanted to shoot JR.   

Monday, April 2, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 30, 2018

1.   According to the L.A. Times, it now costs more to house a prisoner for one year than it does to send someone to Harvard.   ***   Prison officials haven’t released details of their new cost savings plan, but sources say that at future Harvard commencements a lot of caps and gowns are going to be orange.

2.   Walmart has announced it will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at its checkout lines.   ***   Too many women were getting depressed after grabbing a Cosmo and taking one of the quizzes.

3.   The owner of a pet shelter in the U.K. says the reason people don’t want to adopt black cats is that they don’t photograph well in selfies.   ***  How sad to rule out a cat just because of how it will look in selfies! The only place where that should even be a factor is

4.   A year and a half after splitting with Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt is reportedly spending more time out in public and has begun casual dating.   ***   In Hollywood, “casual dating”” is when you sleep with someone but don’t bother to ask them their name.

5.   The company that makes Snuggies, those weird blankets with sleeves, has been accused of deceptive TV offers which result in confused buyers paying much more than expected.   ***   So, it’s a double whammy for many elderly customers who end up looking foolish when they order their Snuggies…and then again when they wear them.

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 30, 1858 – Hyman Lipman of Philadelphia patents a “pencil with an attached eraser.”   ***   However, competitors were able to get around his patent by advertising “erasers with attached pencils.”

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 29, 1959 – "Some Like it Hot" with Marilyn Monroe and Jack Lemmon premieres.   ***   I believe it was a Republican documentary about climate change.

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 28, 1794 – The Louvre with its priceless artwork opens to the public.   ***   Security guards were on the lookout for people who tried to bring in sharp objects, suspicious packages or children with crayons.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 27, 1931 – Charlie Chaplin receives France's distinguished Legion of Honor.  ***   The recognition is typically given to the French military, entertainers and anyone else who can make people laugh.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 26, 1934Driving tests are introduced in Britain.  ***   Apparently the British examiners didn’t deduct points for driving on the wrong side of the road.

Friday, March 23, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 23, 2018

1.   The judge overseeing the Toys ‘R’ Us bankruptcy case has ruled that the company can pay its top executives $14 million in incentive bonuses.   ***  Even if they have to break open every remaining Monopoly game to do it.

2.   In a recent Huff Post article, experts listed 8 signs that a marriage won’t last.   ***  Sign #1:  The husband’s last name is Trump.

3.   Claire’s, a mall-based chain of jewelry stores, has filed for bankruptcy. The store had targeted the teenage market and said its mission was to “be a girl’s best friend.”  ***   In fact, a company spokesman reached out to those girls and pointed out that in times of need best friends will sometimes loan each other large sums of money.

4.   Matt Lauer recently suffered another humiliation when the famous Palm steakhouse took his caricature off the wall.  ***  They also removed his favorite table—the one with a pretend button underneath.

5.   As Toys ‘R’ Us prepares to close its doors, the company announced that all gift cards will need to be used in the next 30 days.   ***    Barbie dolls everywhere are looking forward to an updated wardrobe, a new car and several more boyfriends all named Ken.  

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 23, 1775 – Patrick Henry shouts "Give me liberty or give me death!"  ***  He then followed up with “Give me an ‘L’…’Give me an ‘I’…Give me a ‘B’…”

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 22, 1933FDR legalizes wine and beer that has less than 3.2% alcohol.   ***   Fake booze!

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 21, 1980 – On the “Dallas” season finale, J.R. is shot, leaving viewers wondering through the summer, “Who shot J.R.?”   ***   No kids, that wasn’t the main thing on people’s minds in the summer of 1980.  Wait—actually, it was.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 20, 1918Congress establishes daylight saving time.  ***  And spends the next 100 years trying to explain why.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 19, 1997 – The Supreme Court hears Internet indecency arguments.  ***  Apparently the “pro” side won.

Friday, March 16, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 16, 2018

1.   Ford is recalling 1.4 million vehicles because the steering wheel might fall off.  ***  A company spokesman admitted it could be dangerous, but pointed out that it would leave both hands free for texting.

2.   Today is March 15th, sometimes referred to as the “Ides of March.”   ***   I’d rather be in a warmer climate…I’d be happier if it would stop snowing…I’d wash the car if it wasn’t so cold…

3.   After four months of legal wrangling, a California court has decided that Charles Manson’s body will be given to his grandson, and now people want to know what he’s going to do with it.  ***   Hint: Watch for a vehicle in the carpool lane that has a somewhat rigid passenger with a swastika on his forehead.

4.   Costco is offering its customers a “doomsday package” that has enough freeze-dried food to feed a family of 4 for a year.  ***   So, if Armageddon happens, the surviving civilization will be comprised entirely of bargain hunters.

5.   Toy’s ‘R’ Us may be closing all its stores, and industry experts say that would really hurt sales of two iconic toys: Legos and Barbie Dolls.  ***  Otherwise known as “Bricks and Tricks.”

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 16, 1970 – The “New English Bible” is published.   ***  Apparently now both Testaments are New.

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 15, 1729 – Sister St. Stanislas Hachard, the first U.S. nun, takes her vows in New Orleans.   ***  She was then issued her official habit, rosary beads and ruler.

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 14, 1794 – Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin.  ***   It was much more successful than his earlier invention, cotton vodka.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 13, 1913 – The Kansas legislature approves censorship of motion pictures.   ***   They were especially offended by one example of mid-west pornography, “Fifty Shades of Wheat.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 12, 1951 – Baseball Commissioner Happy Chandler is voted out of office.   ***   The next day he applied for a name change. 

Friday, March 9, 2018

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 9, 2018

1.   A passenger on a SkyWest flight from San Francisco to Boise suddenly started shouting “I am God!” and tried to open an exit door in mid-flight. ***  Apparently, even God has second thoughts about going to Boise.

2.   Former White House staffer Hope Hicks appeared before the House Investigation Committee and told them she could not access two of her e-mail accounts because they had been hacked.  ***   The congressmen told her to quit wasting their time and go to the Congressional Help Desk.  (New tongue twister, say three times fast: “How many hackers could hack Hope Hicks if Hope Hicks could be hacked?”)

3.   Singer Neil Young recently vented at YouTube for profiting from songs without giving payment or recognition to the musicians.  ***  Uh, kinda like riding a horse all the way through the desert and not even giving it a name.

4.   Police in Long Beach, California arrested a man for riding his horse on the freeway.  *** They caught him as he was trying to pick up a hitchhiker so he could use the carpool lane.

5.   People following the Mueller investigation say that Paul Manafort made a big mistake by asking his associate to convert a computerized financial report to a different file format.  ***   They said that seemed very suspicious, because normally you’d ask a 14 year old.

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 9, 1822 – Charles M. Graham of New York patents artificial teeth.   ***  He was immediately criticized by thousands of protestors yelling, “Fake chews!”

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 8, 1855 – The first train crosses the first U.S. railway suspension bridge, over Niagara Falls.  ***   It was also the first train to really, really need an onboard restroom. 

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 1, 1941 – "Captain America" first appears in a comic book.  ***    No, he did not have orange hair and a string of hotels and golf courses.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 28, 1692 – The Salem witch hunt begins.   ***  Authorities began rounding up dozens of women who had been accused of collaborating with the Russians.

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 26, 1975 – The “Today Show” broadcasts the first televised kidney transplant.  ***  That was quite an accomplishment—it wasn’t easy to get two volunteers from the studio audience.