Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday, July 25, 2014

1.        There is growing concern in China after a report that McDonald’s hamburgers were made with expired beef.  ***  People over there were shocked and said, “Really? They use beef?”

2.        In Collinsville, Illinois, a promotional 170-foot tall ketchup bottle is for sale for $200,000.   ***  Unfortunately, people with that kind of money generally prefer Grey Poupon.

3.        Russian legislators are considering funding the annexation of Crimea by almost tripling the income tax for its richest citizens, or about 2% of the population.  ***  Gee, Russia must be doing well—their “1%” is twice as big as ours.

4.        A recent study shows that British soldiers have gotten significantly taller over the past 100 years.  ***  Which is bad because that makes it harder to duck.

5.        Toyota says that in its new minivan there’s a way for parents talk to their young children without turning around.  ***  Actually, we had that when I was a kid. I believe it’s called “Yelling.”

6.        There is growing concern in China after a report that a supplier there sold expired beef to McDonald’s.  ***  Investigators first became suspicious when McDonald’s changed the name of its iconic hamburger from “Big Mac” to “Old Mac.”

7.        With an income of $75 million, Robert Downey Jr. was the top paid actor last year, even though he didn’t do any work, thanks to arrangements for compensation after his movies hit the screen.  The second biggest earner was Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  ***  However, if you just look at top incomes among people who did no work last year, then Congress came in second.   

8.        The FDA is warning people about the dangers of pure caffeine, pointing out that one teaspoon of the powder is equivalent to 25 cups of coffee. ***   Of course, the reason most people don’t take their caffeine in powdered form is that it’s tough to put cute little sayings like “#1 Boss” on the side of a teaspoon.

9.        Sandra Bullock will star in “Tupperware Unsealed,” a movie about Brownie Wise, the woman who popularized Tupperware parties.  ***  Since it’s been four years since Ms. Bullock adopted a baby boy, this will finally give her another opportunity to burp something.

10.     Casey Kasem’s body is missing, and there is evidence that his wife stole it from the funeral home to prevent an autopsy.  ***  That might not be the most gruesome thing I ever heard, but it’s definitely in the Top 40.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Friday, July 18, 2014

1.        After millions of people heard a recording of a Comcast representative refusing to honor a customer’s request to have service discontinued, the company issued a formal statement.  ***   Comcast explained that instead of cutting off service completely, it prefers to provide frequent, temporary loss of service at random times throughout the day.

2.        In Washington D.C., several congressmen are considering legislation that would improve compensation and work schedules for part time workers…  ***  such as congressmen.

3.        The FBI has warned that autonomous, self-driving cars could be used for criminal purposes.  For example, a fleeing criminal could fire at police while the car drives itself.  ***  Of course, the chase would be brief because the self-driving police car would be programmed to pull into the next donut shop.

4.        Mourners in the Philippines were absolutely stunned when a 3 year old girl woke up at her own funeral.  ***  It was like the reaction we would have here in the U.S. if suddenly Congress actually did something.

5.        According to a study in the medical journal “Pediatrics,” electronic devices such as a laptop computer may be the cause of a painful skin rash.   ***  Especially if you use it to meet a woman on Craigslist.

6.        In a controversial move, a library in Singapore has pulled a children’s book about gay penguins.  The author says he wrote the story as an example of alternate life styles.   ***   But I think he went too far when he claimed that “March of the Penquins” was really a gay pride parade.

7.        Officials closed part of I-75 near Detroit after a truck dropped its load of rocks all over the road.  *** However, the highway was immediately re-opened once they realized it was just Governor Snyder’s low-cost approach to filling all the potholes.

8.        Officials are considering abuse charges against the parents of a 12 year old Detroit boy who was reported missing and then eventually found in the family’s basement.  ***  The couple would be charged under a new federal law that makes it illegal to keep anyone in Detroit against their will.

9.        Steven Spielberg posed like a hunter with a movie prop of a dead dinosaur, and many people seeing the photo thought he really shot it.   ***   Of course, that’s ridiculous.  The last person to actually shoot a real dinosaur was Larry King.

10.     Keith Mularski, the FBI’s top expert in cybercrime, was just selling discount furniture before he joined the bureau in 1998.  He is reportedly very successful in infiltrating criminal organizations online and befriending key leaders.  ***  He wins them over by giving them a three-piece genuine leather living room set plus a coffee table, two end tables and a flat screen TV.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Friday, July 11, 2014

1.        In Birmingham, Alabama, a U.S. Postal Service worker was caught on video taking packages out of a USPS van and tossing them into a ravine.  ***  However, in the postal worker’s defense, I want to point out that packages marked “fragile” were tossed gently.

2.        Police seized several exotic animals from a home in a Detroit suburb after an aardvark was seen wandering around a back yard.   ***   So, that would be…a “Yaardvark”?  (Groan)

3.        According to a global study by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, many American students are “financially illiterate” and can’t even read a paycheck. ***  That’s OK.  The way the economy is going, they probably won’t ever see one.

4.        In the new CBS science fiction series “Extant,” Halle Berry stars as Molly Woods, an astronaut who somehow becomes pregnant during a solo one-year mission in outer space.  ***   Molly apparently has health insurance through her husband’s job at Hobby Lobby.

5.        North Korean President Kim Jong Un recently started walking with a noticeable limp.   ***   Personally, I think he’s doing that on purpose to draw attention away from his silly haircut.

6.        A train carrying large airplane parts partially derailed in Montana, dumping three fuselages down a ravine and almost into the river.  ***  Sing along:  “Pardon me boy, is that the Catastrophic Choo Choo?  It jumped off Track Twenty-Nine;  Boy, you can bet they’ll get fined…”

7.        Jack Kevorkian’s VW Minibus, which he used for several assisted suicides, was recently sold by a Detroit pawn shop.  ***   I believe it was advertised as “Owned by elderly doctor, only used for one-way trips, fitted with high-performance injection system.”

8.        According to a recent Gallup poll, 21% of Americans don’t feel they have enough freedom to choose what to do with their lives.   ***    The other 79% are fairly satisfied with their freedom to choose—they just don’t like the choices.

9.        AMC is spending hundreds of millions of dollars to outfit many of its theaters with La-Z-Boy type reclining chairs.  ***  They will also provide you with a free Snuggie, a cat to sit on your lap and someone to wake you up at the important parts of the movie.

10.     The Golden Gate Bridge board of directors has approved $76 million to construct suicide barriers on the structure.  ***   Currently, the only deterrent is a sign warning people that suicide is not covered by Obamacare.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Friday, June 27, 2014

1.        Researchers in Finland say that an attitude of anger, hostility and cynical distrust increases the chances of developing dementia.  ***   That’s terrible—not only are you always in a bad mood, but you can’t remember why.

2.        A military judge has ordered the CIA to release records regarding the torture of prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.  ***  The agency is reluctant to do so, but they did offer to provide video evidence of a rogue agent named Jack Bauer throwing two terrorists out a window.

3.        Stephanie Kwolek, who invented Kevlar, has died at the age of 90.  She developed it while looking for materials for automobile tires that would improve fuel economy.   Since then, Kevlar protection has saved countless lives around the world.   ***   That’s nice, but about that fuel economy thing…

4.        Whole Foods agreed to pay $800,000 for including the weight of the container when calculating charges at the store’s salad bars.  ***  Whole Foods paid the settlement in cash.  They actually only handed over $799,000, but said that it was in a $1,000 satchel.

5.        Officials in North Korea have charged that a new American movie, “The Interview,” a comedy about the assassination of the North Korean president, is “an act of war.”   ***   President Obama responded quickly and decisively; he urged Hollywood to surrender.

6.        The Supreme Court has ruled that police must get a search warrant before looking through an arrested person’s cell phone.  The only exception is if the policeman feels threatened.  ***  For example, if the arrestee is about to post something really mean about him on Facebook.

7.        Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis recently opened up about the filming of their 1991 hit movie, “Thelma & Louise.”  ***   I believe their comments were published in Cliff Notes.

8.        To give boys a good role model, a California woman is marketing a toy action figure named Mac Mason.  Mac’s not involved with weapons, violence or brute force.  Instead, he likes camping, baseball and secret codes.  ***  So, Mac’s a nice guy, but I’ll bet he never gets a date with Barbie.

9.        Rock legend Sting says he wants his children to succeed on their own merit, so he is not going to let them inherit his $300 million fortune.  ***  Congratulations, kids, you’ve just been Stung.

10.     Hollywood gossip columnist Marilyn Beck has died.   ***  At least, that’s what people are saying.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Friday, May 30, 2014

1.        According to a recent survey, Justin Bieber is the fifth most hated man in America, just behind Conrad Murray (Michael Jackson’s doctor) and just ahead of Phil Spector (song writer and convicted murderer).  ***   But, people do admire the way Mr. Bieber is trying so hard to work his way up the list.

2.        The NSA has released a 2013 internal e-mail from Edward Snowden asking if presidential executive orders have precedence over congressional statutes.  ***  I believe he asked the same question in Russia and Vladimir Putin’s response was, “Well, duh!”

3.        According to a recent Gallup poll, half the people in Illinois said they would leave the state if they could.   ***  The other half already left, but they’re still on the Chicago voter rolls.

4.        In an effort to reduce pollution, the Chinese government plans to take 6 million older vehicles off the road, although they’re not sure how to do that.  ***  Michigan, for example, does it with potholes.

5.        German researchers have developed a device that lets pilots fly a plane by brainwaves.  ***  Airline pilots are upset because it means they’ll have to stay awake.

6.        Google is designing a driverless car that doesn’t even have a steering wheel.   ***  Of course, in today’s cars a steering wheel is a necessity.  It’s where drivers rest their cell phone while texting.

7.        The United States is skeptical about Nigerian claims that the 300 abducted school girls have been located.  ***  However, just to be safe, American officials have e-mailed the requested bank account numbers and passwords to a Nigerian prince in hopes of freeing the children and also receiving a promised shipment of gold bars.

8.        Dozens of protestors at McDonald’s annual shareholders meeting were arrested after complaining that the minimum wage does not cover basic living expenses.  ***  Now they’re complaining that it doesn’t cover bail.

9.        The CEO of Levi Jeans says that washing jeans wears them out, and to keep them smelling fresh he recommends just freezing them.   ***   Although he admits that putting them on in the morning is quite a shock to his private parts.

10.     The White House accidentally disclosed the name of the CIA’s top man in Afghanistan.   ***  Fortunately, the Taliban have ignored the information because it did not come from a credible source.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Friday, May 23, 2014

1.        The New Jersey state assembly passed a gun control bill and is sending it to Governor Chris Christie for his signature.   ***  The Governor is expected to approve the measure, which limits weapons to non-automatic rifles, pistols with small-capacity magazines and orange traffic cones.

2.        Office Depot is recalling 1.4 million chairs because a broken weld could cause the seat to fall off. ***  And in extreme cases, the office worker sitting in the chair might actually wake up.

3.        Security forces at an Air Force base in Montana failed a simulated exercise in which a nuclear missile silo had been seized.   ***  Officials were unhappy with the base’s emergency response, which was, “Call Jack Bauer.”

4.        Republicans are complaining that the designation of a half million acres near the Mexico border as a national park will weaken security efforts.  ***  But Democrats point out that illegal immigrants, drug smugglers and human traffickers who cross the border at that point will now have to pay an annual park fee.

5.        The principal of a Catholic elementary school in Philadelphia has apologized for using a photo of Ellen DeGeneres on invitations to the school’s graduation dance.   ***   She said that Ellen is a poor role model and might encourage improper behavior—you know, like having a dance at an elementary school.

6.        China and Russia have signed a 30-year natural gas deal worth $400 billion.  ***  Russia has agreed to sell the gas at market prices and China has agreed not to laugh at pictures of Vladimir Putin riding horses bare-chested.

7.        Officials in Brazil are trying to reassure World Cup soccer fans that all major airports will be operational even though some of the upgrades are not complete.   ***  For example, arriving passengers will still need to use the emergency slides for de-planing. (And instead of luggage carousels, workers will take the bags off the plane and carry them around in circles.)

8.        A Mississippi man has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for mailing a letter laced with poison to President Obama.  ***  Plus one additional year for insufficient postage.

9.        The top movie at the box office this weekend was the terrifying monster film “Godzilla.”   ***  But, it wasn’t nearly as scary as the new movie about falling home prices, “God-Zillow.”

10.     A 102 year old woman was given spin around the Indianapolis 500 racetrack by Mario Andretti at 180 mile per hour.  Afterwards, she said she wanted to hit 200.  *** I’m not sure if she was talking about the speed or her age.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Friday, Mar 16, 2014

1.        A new anti-depressant has been found to suppress levels of a protein associated with Alzheimer’s.  ***  It might not help you remember things, but it will make you happy that you forgot.

2.        After Casey Kasem’s wife said she took the former disc jockey out of the country for medical care, a judge demanded that she disclose his whereabouts.  ***  Or at least the Top 40 possible locations.

3.        Former “Top 40” DJ Casey Kasem has now been found in Washington State, and there were rumors that he had been on an Indian reservation.  ***  I believe he was heard on the tribal radio station saying, “And climbing up the charts at number five is the latest rain dance by the Apaches…”

4.        According to a recent survey, the country’s rudest drivers are in Houston, Texas, while the friendliest drivers are in Portland, Oregon.  ***  Like Houston, the drivers in Portland also speed, tailgate, cut others off and slam on their brakes… but they do it with a smile. 

5.        Justin Bieber is being investigated by Los Angeles police after reports that he grabbed a woman’s cell phone because she took his picture.  ***  After further investigation, it was found that he took her phone because she didn’t take his picture. 

6.        Alec Baldwin was arrested in New York City for riding his bike in the wrong direction on a one-way street and for acting in a violent, threatening manner toward police.   ***  Just goes to show—you should never interrupt people who are on their way to an anger management class.

7.        This week headlines in an Iranian newspaper read, “America’s nightmare has become a reality.” The story described how Iran had duplicated an American drone with bombing capability.  ***   Oh, thank goodness.  I was afraid they were going to say the Kardashians had taken over the White House.

8.        A study by Stanford University shows that transfusion of blood from younger people can reverse signs of aging in seniors.  ***  But, there are disturbing side effects, including tattoos, body piercings and excessive use of the word “dude.”

9.        The U.S. military plans to destroy $1.2 billion worth of ammunition because, due to weak inventory tracking, they aren’t sure it’s still usable.   ***  In fact, they have an entire warehouse full of arrows, spears and musket balls.

10.     General Motors is recalling 50,000 SUV’s with faulty fuel gages.  ***  It’s actually a special kind of gage that tells you many more miles you can drive before the next recall.