Friday, February 24, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 24, 2017

1.   Researchers at University College London have been studying whether cat owners can contract toxoplasmosis from their pets, which could lead to certain psychotic disorders.  ***   Typical disorders would include schizophrenia, confusion and excessive posting of cat videos on Facebook.

2.   A 26 year old former nursing home worker in Sandusky, Ohio was arrested after forcibly giving a lap dance to a 100 year old resident.  The police report gave the woman’s name as Brittany Fultz, ***  but only identified the elderly gentleman as “Smiley.”  

3.   Lamborghini has recalled thousands of its expensive supercars after several of them caught on fire.  ***   Owners of the damaged cars were understandably upset and complained that after spending that kind of money on a Lamborghini they would have expected the flames to be a lot more spectacular.

4.   The enthusiastic Trump supporter whom the president invited onstage in Florida told reporters he has a six-foot cardboard cut-out of Mr. Trump at home and he said, “I salute that every single day.” ***  And then he kisses his cardboard wife, hugs his cardboard daughter and pets his cardboard dog,

5.   Witches around the world plan to cast a spell on Donald Trump on February 24th at midnight.   ***   The spell probably won’t actually change the president’s behavior, but Sean Spicer plans to use it to explain a few things.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 24, 1208 – Saint Francis of Assisi, 26, received his vocation in Portiuncula, Italy  ***  He was told his mission was to spread the gospel, be kind to animals and pose for birdbath sculptures.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 23, 1574France begins 5th Holy War against Huguenots.  ***  Both sides had agreed to a “best out of 7” format. 

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 22, 1879 – The first “five and dime” store is opened by Frank W. Woolworth in Utica, NY.  ***  He was the person who “coined” the phrase “Change you can believe in.”

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 21, 1988During a live TV broadcast, televangelist Jimmy Swaggart admits to visiting a prostitute.   ***  He then asked viewers to increase donations because the fight for her salvation was costing $1,000 a night.


10.  On this date in history:  Feb 20, 1974Cher files for separation from Sonny Bono.  ***  They are perhaps best known for their hit song “I Got (Tired of) You Babe.”

Friday, February 17, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 17, 2017

1.   The half-brother of North Korea’s Kim Jong Un was assassinated at a Malaysian airport terminal.  The victim, Kim Jong Nam, had an indulgent lifestyle and was noticeably overweight.  ***  According to investigators, the attackers weren’t sure of his departure gate, so they set up their ambush at the Cinnabon shop.

2.   Playboy magazine just announced it will resume featuring nude photos.  ***  The bad news:  The April centerfold will be Hugh Hefner.

3.   A Florida police officer was reprimanded for arresting a man because she thought some donut glaze in his car was methamphetamine.   ***   You know, kids, there used to be a time when any good cop could identify every donut topping with their eyes closed--even the color of the sprinkles.

4.   At a UCLA basketball game last week, a Bruins cheerleader fell when the human pyramid under her suddenly collapsed, and then she was dropped again when being carried off the court.  ***  You know, it’s just not smart to be a Hillary fan at the top of a Donald Trump pyramid.

5.   Wal-Mart is now offering the Ivanka line of stylish shoes online at a large discount.  ***   And, as a further enticement to the store’s traditional customer base, Ivanka announced that she’ll throw in a free pair of flip-flops.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 17, 1981Chrysler Corporation reports the largest corporate loss in U.S. history.  ***  The company didn’t disclose the exact number, but said it was “somewhere around a gazillion.” 

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 16, 1878 – The silver dollar becomes legal tender.   ***  And the name of half the saloons west of the Mississippi.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 15, 1903 – Morris and Rose Michtom make the first teddy bear in the U.S.   ***   How do you make a teddy bear?  Take off its clothes.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 14, 1971Richard Nixon installs a secret taping system in the White House.  ***  However, people became suspicious after seeing signs in every room saying, “Please speak clearly.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 13, 1959 – The Barbie doll goes on sale.  ***  Over the following years, many special versions of Barbie would go on sale, except “Hooker Barbie,” which could only be rented. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 10, 2017

1.  A man in Lakeland, Florida says he tried to make a $7 billion fraudulent bank transfer because Jesus wanted him to be wealthy.  ***   No, Jesus just wanted him to be stupid.

2.   A study by Exodus Travel says that Americans get their second wind at age 56.  *** Unfortunately, for most of us it’s a headwind.

3.   Leah Remini claims that the Church of Scientology has designated John Travolta as a Khakhan, which gives him great power, and he can even get away with murder.  ***   However, there are limits. One thing the Church will not tolerate from him is any attempt to bring back disco.

4.   Kim Kardashian has announced that she’s starting a book club.  ***   Members don’t have to actually read each book--they just need to be holding it when they take a selfie.

5.   While arguing about consummating their marriage, a 76 year old man In Lehigh Acres, Florida shot his new bride in the butt.   ***   Experts say it’s the first time that Viagra lasted longer than the marriage.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 10, 1933Hitler proclaims the end of Marxism.  ***  Groucho and Harpo were furious.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 9, 1987 – The New York Stock Exchange installs a ladies restroom in the Exchange Luncheon Club.  ***  That’s important, because when the market tanks, men aren’t the only ones who need a place to throw up.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 8, 1898John Sherman patents the first automatic envelope folding & gumming machine.   ***   He was subsequently honored as “Man of the Year” by the American Junk Mail Association.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 7, 1889Astronomical Society of the Pacific holds its first meeting in San Francisco ***  It had nothing to do with star gazing;  it’s just that the dues were astronomical.


10. On this date in history:  Feb 6, 1996Heidi Fleiss, the “Hollywood Madam,” begins a seven year sentence for running a prostitution ring for celebrities.   ***   It’s hard to avoid jail time when your only character witness is Charlie Sheen.

Friday, February 3, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Feb 3, 2017

1.   First Lady Melania Trump announced that she is expecting to move into the White House in three or four months.  ***  She blamed the delay on “a certain someone who is getting a bit carried away with that ‘extreme vetting’ thing.”

2.   For target practice, the Army is developing bullets that are environmentally friendly and may even contain seeds.  ***  In fact, many farmers are now planning to plant their next crops with an Uzi.

3.   President Trump has cancelled his planned tour of the Harley-Davidson factory in Milwaukee.  ***  He was anxious to connect with the workers, but refused to get the mandatory tattoo.

4.   Peter Ricketts, a former official in the British Foreign Office, said the prospect of protests outside the palace when President Trump comes to visit has put the queen in a "very difficult position."   ***  Hey, the lady is 90 years old. At that age, almost every position is difficult.

5.   This past weekend the Miss Universe contest was won by a 23 year old French dental student.  ***   The competition was intense;  the runner-up was a manicurist and they fought tooth and nail.

6.   On this date in history:  Feb 3, 1690The colony of Massachusetts issues the first paper money in America.   *** That was a big improvement. Previously, guys had to tuck loose change into the strippers’ G-strings.

7.   On this date in history:  Feb 2, 1964 – The GI Joe action figure makes its debut. ***  It was so realistic that if it broke you had to take it to a VA hospital.

8.   On this date in history:  Feb 1, 1864 – General Ulysses S. Grant, in an effort to outflank Confederate troops, initiates the ill-fated Battle of the Yazoo River.  ***  After that failure, President Lincoln sent him a message saying, “You idiot, I just said they had soldiers up the WAZOO.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 31, 1990The first McDonald's in Russia opens in Moscow.   ***  The Russian “Happy Meal” consisted of a Big Mac, fries, and a McVodka. 


10.  On this date in history:  Jan 30, 1894 – Charles King of Detroit patents the pneumatic hammer, commonly referred to as the “jackhammer.” ***  In deference to the inventor, shouldn’t it be called “chuckhammer”?

Friday, January 27, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 27, 2017


1.   The Playboy Club in New York City is re-opening after a 30 year hiatus.  ***   The bad news:  Thanks to ironclad employment contracts, all the former Bunnies get their jobs back.

2.   Although most of Los Angeles voted for Hillary Clinton, the precinct with the Church of Scientology voted for Donald Trump.  ***   Mr. Trump said he was grateful for the support of the Scientologists, but he still doesn’t buy their theories on global warming.

3.   A postal worker in Allen Park, Michigan has been accused of stealing lingerie out of several packages and may face up to five years in prison.  ***   However, his lawyer expects that he’ll be acquitted because the evidence is quite skimpy.

4.   A California man has created a new dating website, TrumpSingles.com, for people who support Donald Trump.  ***  The process starts with members going online and creating alternative profiles.

5.   According to a recent survey by Wells Fargo, failure to save more money is regretted by 74% of retirees.   ***   And 100% of their heirs.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 27, 1593 – The Vatican opens a seven year heresy trial against scholar Giordano Bruno; he is ultimately found guilty and burned at the stake.   ***  That was quite a shock, since his lawyer had promised a maximum sentence of ten Our Fathers and ten Hail Mary’s.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 26, 1961Elvis Presley reaches #1 on the charts with "Are You Lonesome Tonight?"   ***   I believe it was a pitch for his new business, Elvis Presley Escorts.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 25, 1993Sears announces it is discontinuing its catalog.  ***   Outhouse owners across the country reluctantly start buying toilet paper.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 24, 1972 – Japanese Sgt. Shoichi Yokoi is found in a Guam jungle, where he had been hiding out since the end of World War II, 28 years earlier.  ***   He attributed his long term perseverance to loyalty, discipline and some very attractive Japanese comfort women.


10.  On this date in history:  Jan 23, 971 Song Dynasty troops use crossbows to defeat the Chinese army’s first deployment of the elephant corps.  ***  I’ll bet the elephants were starting to think that maybe circus life ain’t so bad.

Friday, January 20, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 20, 2017

1.   Notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman was handed over to American authorities yesterday, and political observers say that day was carefully selected so it would be too soon for Donald Trump to take the credit. ***  And too late for Barack Obama to grant him a pardon.

2.   In Warren, Michigan, two men broke into the home of 70 year-old woman and threatened to kill her cat if she didn’t give them her cash, credit cards and wedding ring.   ***   The cat had a lovely funeral.

3.   A new start-up company, Ambrosia, plans to conduct anti-aging trials on 600 people willing to pay $8,000 to be injected with blood from a Millennial.  ***   The treatment is expected to result in a more youthful appearance, greater proficiency at video games and a strong desire to live in your parents’ basement.

4.   Lindsay Lohan has reportedly converted to Islam.  ***  She is now studying the Quran, praying every day and only using Muslim bail bondsmen.

5.   It has just been announced that Tony Orlando will be performing at the
inaugural ball.   ***    It will be the first performance of his new group, “Tony Orlando and Dawn-ald.” (groan)

6.   President Obama’s dog Sunny recently bit a visitor at the White House.  ***   The poor victim had unwittingly uttered the dog’s secret attack command, “Donald.” 

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 20, 1930The first radio broadcast of "The Lone Ranger" takes place on WXYZ in Detroit.  ***  It was the last day of employment, however, for the staffer with the bright idea of bringing galloping horses into the studio. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 19, 1785The first manned flight in Ireland takes place using a balloon filled with hydrogen…***…and a pilot filled with Guinness.   

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 18, 1919 – The Peace Congress opens in Versailles, France, for the purpose of bringing a formal end to the first world war.   ***   So everyone could start preparing for the next one.  


10.  On this date in history:  Jan 17, 1871The cable car is patented by Andrew Hallidie, although it doesn’t begin service until 1873.  ***  It took him two years to perfect the sound of the bell.

Friday, January 13, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 13, 2017

1.   In a special White House ceremony on Thursday, President Obama surprised V.P. Joe Biden by bestowing upon him America’s highest civilian honor.   ***   One million likes on Facebook?

2.   In Russia, the Health Ministry is considering banning cigarettes entirely in that country.  ***  A spokesman said the move would result in improved health, longer lives and more money to spend on vodka.

3.   Starbucks announced it is dropping “Evenings,” its pilot program with beer and wine.  ***  That’s good—they shouldn’t have been serving alcohol to pilots in the first place.

4.   Last weekend a famous Sequoia tree in California that had its trunk hollowed out for a tunnel in the 1800’s was felled by a major storm.   ***  Al Gore is preparing to deliver the eulogy.

5.   Last week Kim Kardashian revealed on Twitter that she has developed psoriasis.  ***  She is treating it by applying topical creams and putting her selfie camera on a low-res setting.

6.   On this date in history:  Jan 13, 1938The Church of England accepts the theory of evolution.  ***  And church leaders proclaimed that their doors are always open to anyone who can walk upright.

7.   On this date in history:  Jan 12, 1958 – The NCAA football rules committee adds the 2 point conversion option after touchdowns.  ***  Kicked balls still only get 1 point because kickers generally do lousy victory dances.

8.   On this date in history:  Jan 11, 2007J. K. Rowling finishes the 7th and final Harry Potter novel in room 552 of the Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh.  ***  The book could have been a bit longer but she stopped writing as soon as the mini-bar ran out.

9.   On this date in history:  Jan 10, 1956Elvis records "Heartbreak Hotel."  ***  Back then it was a metaphoric place for jilted lovers; these days it’s a hotel that you check into and then find out it doesn’t have wi-fi.


10.  On this date in history:  Jan 9, 1959"Rawhide" with Clint Eastwood premieres on CBS TV.   ***  In those days his tagline was “Get off my ranch.”