Friday, November 25, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 25, 2016--HIATUS THIS WEEK

I'm sorry, but "Bill's Pills" is on hiatus this Thanksgiving week. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day.  Please check back next Friday for a new batch of jokes.


Friday, November 18, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 18, 2016

1.   United Airlines plans to increase restrictions on “low-fare” passengers, such as limiting them to one carry-on bag that must fit under their seat.  ***  And for the “ultra-low-fare,” the passenger must fit under the seat.

2.   During the next few months most Kenneth Cole retail stores will be closing their doors, but their fashions will still be available online.  ***   As they say, “When God closes a door, He opens a website.”

3.   The 3-year, $60 million restoration of the Capitol Dome has just been completed, so congressmen no longer have to worry about construction equipment, falling debris and tripping hazards. ***  However, it’s still extremely dangerous to cross the aisle.

4.   There are rumors that President-elect Trump may request security clearance for three of his children, giving them access to secure communications technology, travel schedules and Secret Service procedures. However, they would not be privy to the really sensitive information, such as intelligence reports, operational plans...***...and their father's tax returns.

5.   UltraViolet, a women’s advocacy organization, sent Hillary Clinton 1,000 roses after her election loss.   ***   Of course, the vase had to be huge—not because there were so many flowers, but because it was filled with tears from the group’s recent cry-in.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 18, 1805 – In Wiscasset, Maine, thirty ladies organize the first women's club in America, the Female Charitable Society.   *** Basically, they go around saying nice things about people who don’t deserve it.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 17, 1970 – Douglas Engelbart receives a patent for the first computer mouse.  ***  Of course, to make the patent coverage as broad as possible he referred to it as an “electronic rodent.”

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 16, 1676 – The first colonial prison is established in Nantucket.  ***  The inmates spent all their time writing limericks.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 15, 1937 – For the first time, a U.S. congressional session is held in air-conditioned chambers.  ***  But that was almost 80 years ago, and we’re still waiting for cooler heads to prevail.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 14, 1732 – The first professional librarian in America, Louis Timothee, is hired in Philadelphia.  ***  There were other good candidates, but he had the most intimidating “Sh-h-h-h-h.”

Friday, November 11, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 11, 2016

1.   In the wake of the presidential election, a lot of people have started looking into the procedures for impeachment.  ***  However, most folks feel it’s better to just chill out and let Mr. Obama finish his term.

2.   Scientists trying to combat jet lag are studying the genes of fruit flies, which have strong 24 hour body clocks.  ***  Actually, they’ve already developed one jet lag cure, but it makes you go crazy around over-ripe bananas.

3.   Vatican officials angrily denounced a Chinese priest who claimed to have promoted himself to bishop.  ***  Imagine how upset they were the following day when they saw white smoke coming out of his chimney.

4.   A woman on the Dr. Phil Show claimed that she is pregnant with Jesus.  ***   Great! After Jesus is born, I look forward to him and Dr. Phil accusing each other of having a God complex.

5.   On the AOL web site, AOL Entertainment posted the teaser headline, “Here’s who Britney Spears wants to win the presidency.”   ***  And the sub-headline promised to also identify the three people who care.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 11, 1926 – U.S. Route 66 is established.   ***   Don’t confuse that with Route 666, which is the highway to hell.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 10, 1908 – The first free Gideon Bibles are put in hotel rooms. *** Gideon’s strategy became apparent a few years later when he began introducing his money-making products: The Gideon Vibrating Mattress, Gideon Videos and finally, the Gideon Minibar. 

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 9, 2009 – Joe Cada becomes the youngest champion of the World Series of Poker.  ***  In fact, when he arrived his mother dropped him off with his Spiderman backpack, his lunch money and a deck of cards.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 8, 1910 – William H. Frost receives the first U.S. patent for an electrical device that kills insects.   ***   You smash them with a battery.

10.  On this date in history:  Nov 7, 1910 – The first air freight shipment is made by the Wright Brothers for department store owner Max Moorehouse.   ***   “What, Max?  You want a ‘tracking number’?  OK, it’s 1.”

Friday, November 4, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 4, 2016

1.   In Tokyo, a patient on the operating table was seriously burned when she passed gas and it was accidentally ignited by a laser device.   ***  The doctors certainly learned an important lesson:  When using a hot laser beam to operate on a patient, don’t pull her finger. 

2.   Charlie Sheen, who played Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn in the movie “Major League,” is reportedly miffed that he wasn’t chosen to throw out the first pitch at the World Series.  ***  Maybe it’s because he insisted on being accompanied on the mound by two hookers, his drug dealer and a bottle of scotch.

3.   Kendall Jenner says she suffers from “sleep paralysis” and sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night completely unable to move.  ***  You know it’s serious when a Kardashian can’t even take a selfie.

4.   Following a paperwork error, the Los Angeles County coroner’s office has apologized for cremating the wrong person.  ***  They were supposed to cremate another man—one who had already died.

5.   Bill Cosby’s lawyers are asking that sexual assault charges be dropped because he is now blind and cannot defend himself.  ***  Mr. Cosby, however, says he wants to continue with the trial and try to identify the accusers by feel.

6.   On this date in history:  Nov 4, 1845 – The first nationally observed election day is held in the U.S.  ***  Officials found it was much more efficient to have all the voting fraud take place at the same time.

7.   On this date in history:  Nov 3, 1883 – The U.S. Supreme Court rules that Indians can't be Americans.  ***  The Indians were confused by the ruling, and also couldn’t understand why “Chief Justice” didn’t wear a headdress.

8.   On this date in history:  Nov 2, 1966 – The “Cuban Adjustment Act” is established, allowing 123,000 Cubans to apply for permanent residence in the United States ***  and get one free chiropractic treatment.

9.   On this date in history:  Nov 1, 1870 – The U.S. Weather Bureau begins operations.  ***   It was established a few days earlier, but operations couldn’t begin until the dart boards arrived.

10.  On this date in history:  Oct 31, 1846 – The Donner party is unable to cross the Sierra Nevadas and constructs a winter camp.  ***   However, it was Halloween and, unfortunately, one of the Donners dressed up as a Happy Meal.