News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 23, 2018

1.   The judge overseeing the Toys ‘R’ Us bankruptcy case has ruled that the company can pay its top executives $14 million in incentive bonuses.   ***  Even if they have to break open every remaining Monopoly game to do it.

2.   In a recent Huff Post article, experts listed 8 signs that a marriage won’t last.   ***  Sign #1:  The husband’s last name is Trump.

3.   Claire’s, a mall-based chain of jewelry stores, has filed for bankruptcy. The store had targeted the teenage market and said its mission was to “be a girl’s best friend.”  ***   In fact, a company spokesman reached out to those girls and pointed out that in times of need best friends will sometimes loan each other large sums of money.

4.   Matt Lauer recently suffered another humiliation when the famous Palm steakhouse took his caricature off the wall.  ***  They also removed his favorite table—the one with a pretend button underneath.

5.   As Toys ‘R’ Us prepares to close its doors, the company announced that all gift cards will need to be used in the next 30 days.   ***    Barbie dolls everywhere are looking forward to an updated wardrobe, a new car and several more boyfriends all named Ken.  

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 23, 1775 – Patrick Henry shouts "Give me liberty or give me death!"  ***  He then followed up with “Give me an ‘L’…’Give me an ‘I’…Give me a ‘B’…”

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 22, 1933 – FDR legalizes wine and beer that has less than 3.2% alcohol.   ***   Fake booze!

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 21, 1980 – On the “Dallas” season finale, J.R. is shot, leaving viewers wondering through the summer, “Who shot J.R.?”   ***   No kids, that wasn’t the main thing on people’s minds in the summer of 1980.  Wait—actually, it was.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 20, 1918 – Congress establishes daylight saving time.  ***  And spends the next 100 years trying to explain why.

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 19, 1997 – The Supreme Court hears Internet indecency arguments.  ***  Apparently the “pro” side won.

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 16, 2018

1.   Ford is recalling 1.4 million vehicles because the steering wheel might fall off.  ***  A company spokesman admitted it could be dangerous, but pointed out that it would leave both hands free for texting.

2.   Today is March 15^th, sometimes referred to as the “Ides of March.”   ***   I’d rather be in a warmer climate…I’d be happier if it would stop snowing…I’d wash the car if it wasn’t so cold…

3.   After four months of legal wrangling, a California court has decided that Charles Manson’s body will be given to his grandson, and now people want to know what he’s going to do with it.  ***   Hint: Watch for a vehicle in the carpool lane that has a somewhat rigid passenger with a swastika on his forehead.

4.   Costco is offering its customers a “doomsday package” that has enough freeze-dried food to feed a family of 4 for a year.  ***   So, if Armageddon happens, the surviving civilization will be comprised entirely of bargain hunters.

5.   Toy’s ‘R’ Us may be closing all its stores, and industry experts say that would really hurt sales of two iconic toys: Legos and Barbie Dolls.  ***  Otherwise known as “Bricks and Tricks.”

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 16, 1970 – The “New English Bible” is published.   ***  Apparently now both Testaments are New.

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 15, 1729 – Sister St. Stanislas Hachard, the first U.S. nun, takes her vows in New Orleans.   ***  She was then issued her official habit, rosary beads and ruler.

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 14, 1794 – Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin.  ***   It was much more successful than his earlier invention, cotton vodka.

9.   On this date in history:  Mar 13, 1913 – The Kansas legislature approves censorship of motion pictures.   ***   They were especially offended by one example of mid-west pornography, “Fifty Shades of Wheat.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Mar 12, 1951 – Baseball Commissioner Happy Chandler is voted out of office.   ***   The next day he applied for a name change. 

News for Week Ending Friday, Mar 9, 2018

1.   A passenger on a SkyWest flight from San Francisco to Boise suddenly started shouting “I am God!” and tried to open an exit door in mid-flight. ***  Apparently, even God has second thoughts about going to Boise.

2.   Former White House staffer Hope Hicks appeared before the House Investigation Committee and told them she could not access two of her e-mail accounts because they had been hacked.  ***   The congressmen told her to quit wasting their time and go to the Congressional Help Desk.  (New tongue twister, say three times fast: “How many hackers could hack Hope Hicks if Hope Hicks could be hacked?”)

3.   Singer Neil Young recently vented at YouTube for profiting from songs without giving payment or recognition to the musicians.  ***  Uh, kinda like riding a horse all the way through the desert and not even giving it a name.

4.   Police in Long Beach, California arrested a man for riding his horse on the freeway.  *** They caught him as he was trying to pick up a hitchhiker so he could use the carpool lane.

5.   People following the Mueller investigation say that Paul Manafort made a big mistake by asking his associate to convert a computerized financial report to a different file format.  ***   They said that seemed very suspicious, because normally you’d ask a 14 year old.

6.   On this date in history:  Mar 9, 1822 – Charles M. Graham of New York patents artificial teeth.   ***  He was immediately criticized by thousands of protestors yelling, “Fake chews!”

7.   On this date in history:  Mar 8, 1855 – The first train crosses the first U.S. railway suspension bridge, over Niagara Falls.  ***   It was also the first train to really, really need an onboard restroom. 

8.   On this date in history:  Mar 1, 1941 – "Captain America" first appears in a comic book.  ***    No, he did not have orange hair and a string of hotels and golf courses.

9.   On this date in history:  Feb 28, 1692 – The Salem witch hunt begins.   ***  Authorities began rounding up dozens of women who had been accused of collaborating with the Russians.

10.  On this date in history:  Feb 26, 1975 – The “Today Show” broadcasts the first televised kidney transplant.  ***  That was quite an accomplishment—it wasn’t easy to get two volunteers from the studio audience.