News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jul 31, 2020

1.   Miami business owner David Hines was arrested when federal officials discovered he had used part of his PPP loan to buy a $300,000 Lamborghini.   ***  The fraudulent expenditure was pretty well hidden, but a sharp-eyed auditor got suspicious when he noticed a receipt for gold neck chains.

2.   To help protect toll collectors from Covid, workers at the Mackinac Bridge (access to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula) are asking motorists to wear a facemask when paying their toll. *** They said they’re mostly concerned about first timers, who tend to spray a bit when they find out they have to pay.

3.   Mike Tyson, 54, has announced that he’ll be climbing back into the ring to fight an exhibition bout against boxer Roy Jones Jr. in Carson, California.    ***   As soon as the promoter finishes installing the grab bars.   

4.   To recover from bankruptcy, Hertz needs to raise cash, reduce expenses and downsize, and plans to sell almost 200,000 cars from its rental fleet.   ***  Each car will come with complete maintenance records, free floor mats, and a 55 gallon drum of Hertz air freshener.  

5.   The Hallmark Channel has scheduled classic Christmas movies from July 10^th to August 1^st, and the network’s website says “Celebrate Christmas in July.”   ***   Wait a minute…They’re telling us we should celebrate Christmas 5 months early?...Do they know something we don’t know?

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jul 24, 2020

1.     As mentioned in yesterday’s “Pill,” MSU has designated one of the campus dorms as an emergency residence for any students who test positive for Covid, which, I’m sure, would be a traumatic situation for the affected students and their families.  ***  I certainly know how my parents would have reacted:

“Mom, Dad, everything will be OK but I just want you to know that they’re moving me to the Covid dorm.”

“Oh no, that’s terrible!”  “Yes, that’s been our greatest fear!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. It’s only until I’m no longer contagious and can’t spread the virus.”

“Oh. Thank goodness that’s all it is. We thought you said ‘Co-ed dorm.’ ”

(The only unknown: How long after hanging up the phone they would suddenly realize that co-eds can get Covid, too.)

2.   To prevent the spread of Covid-19 in the dorms, Michigan State University has announced that any student testing positive for the virus will be immediately re-assigned to a specially designated residence.  ***   Ann Arbor.  

3.   To help reduce the spread of coronavirus, some health officials have suggested not singing or chanting in church.  ***  They also ask that we avoid words that start with “explosive” sounds like “P” and “T,” especially in sentences that have an exclamation point at the end.

4.   Michael Cohen is suing Attorney General William Barr, claiming that his return to prison was to prevent him from working on his “tell-all” book about President Trump and was a clear case of “retaliation.”  ***   Or rather, “no-tell-iation.”

5.   Tony Shalhoub recently produced a short video in which his TV character, Adrian Monk (the germophobic, fastidious, obsessive-compulsive detective), tries to deal with the threat of Covid infection.  ***   There had been talk of a full length movie version of “Monk.” I believe the title would be “The Man in the Ironed Mask.”   

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jul 17, 2020

1.   As health officials confirm that PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) can help mitigate the spread of coronavirus, we are all learning that some items can be disruptive, inconvenient and uncomfortable.  ***   The other day I saw a reference to Leonardo DiCaprio’s 1998 movie, “The Man in the Iron Mask,” and my first thought was, “Wow—I bet his ears really hurt.”

2.   Because of Covid concerns, the upcoming Republican National Convention in Jacksonville, Florida might be held outdoors. ***  When democrat Al Gore heard this he said, “Dammit! If Covid hit in when I was nominated back in 1999, I could have been surrounded by TREES!

3.   Britney Spears’ mother, Lynne Spears, has asked the Los Angeles Country Court to increase her involvement in the conservatorship that was established to manage the sizeable financial assets of the troubled Ms. Spears.  ***   In a surprising gesture of goodwill, the singer’s lawyer has granted Lynne Spears complete authority over everything to the right of the decimal point.

4.   Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli, who are still facing charges of fraud and bribery, just sold their Bel Air mansion for $18 million.   ***   Wow—that’s a lot of money; based on the evidence against them, $18 million is enough to get 72 kids accepted at Stanford.

5.   The Kansas City Chiefs negotiated a $503 million deal with quarterback Patrick Mahomes, but to make sure he stays healthy his contract prohibits him from participating in other sports or dangerous activities.   ***  And, in a related move, contracts for the team’s offensive linemen now have a “Covid clause” which states they must not only protect Mr. Mahomes from getting sacked, but they also have to keep the defensive players at least 6 feet away.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jul 10, 2020

1.   Dr. Leana Wen, a public health professor at George Washington University, said a new wave of Covid-19 could coincide with the upcoming flu season, and the nation would face a “double whammy.”  ***  However, Dr. Wen was unable to explain why Covid alone had never been classified as a single whammy.

2.   In this challenging, confusing, topsy-turvy world, sometimes I don’t know which way is up.  ***  But, I’m making progress—yesterday I fell down and immediately realized, “OK, it’s not that way,”

3.   Police in the Netherlands arrested six men before they were able to use a torture chamber that had been set up in a sound-proof shipping container and was equipped with a reclining chair to strap in their victims, various sharp instruments   ***  and a large screen TV programmed with an endless loop of Hallmark Christmas Movies.

4.   To reduce the spread of coronavirus, some experts are telling people they shouldn’t sing in church.  ***  Heck, they’ve been telling me that all my life.

5.   Former security experts are concerned that the President’s failure to read some of the morning briefings could endanger international relations.  *** As Confucius once said, “Man who not look at briefs in morning often spend rest of day on no-fly list.”

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jul 3, 2020

1.   To provide Covid-free, stay-in-your-car entertainment, Walmart just announced that 160 of its stores will convert their parking lots into drive-in theaters. ***  Actually, I thought they already were.

2.   In response to an increasing level of public concern, even President Trump’s own advisers have begun wearing face masks.  ***  Now, in the daily security briefings, they can make a negative comment and the President can’t tell who said it.

3.   A Vatican official announced that the late Carlo Acutis, who had been a teenage Italian computer whiz, is progressing on the path to sainthood and could eventually be designated as the patron saint of the internet.  ***  Investigators, however, are looking into a rumor that Carlo was once overheard on the help desk telephone saying, “Yes, Your Holiness, I believe I could recover all the data from the Vatican’s crashed hard drive, but, uh…what would be in it for me?“

4.   I’ve been using this “stay home” time to organize things and make the house a bit more “senior-friendly.”  ***  For example, in the refrigerator I installed a little hook for the car keys.

5.   Actor Dennis Quaid, 66, married Laura Savoie, 27, earlier this month and in an interview with People magazine he said their age difference just isn’t an issue.  ***  Although, he is a little concerned that Ms. Savoie made him get “DNR” tattooed on his forehead.