News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jan 31, 2020

1.   According to a federal report issued yesterday, life expectancy in the U.S. has increased for the first time in four years.   ***   Unfortunately, the government added a footnote explaining that “life expectancy” isn’t WHAT you can expect to get out of life, just WHEN.  

2.   In its latest update, the Oxford English Dictionary has added 29 common Nigerian words and expressions, such as "next tomorrow," which means the day after tomorrow.  *** For example: “I promise to ship you the gold bars next tomorrow.”

3.   To encourage motorists to reduce their speed in work zones, Pennsylvania officials have begun a "pre-enforcement" period and are using hi-tech electronics to monitor speeding in those areas.  *** And to make sure drivers see that they’re approaching a work zone, the system will automatically send them a text.

4.   Senate Democrats say information from a manuscript shows that John Bolton should immediately be called to testify, but the Republicans are divided on what to do.  *** Half of them want to wait for the book and the other half want to wait for the movie.

5.   Fran Drescher—the former “Nanny” star—says she is not actively dating but does have a “friend with benefits.”  ***   If she still has that screechy, whiny, annoying Nanny voice, then I’m guessing her gentleman friend a) was deaf when he met her, or b) soon became deaf, or c) now wishes he was deaf.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jan 24, 2020

1.   AT&T has warned that one of its DirectTV satellites could soon explode due to a battery issue that was first detected back in December.  ***  They believe the problem was caused by an excessive number of Hallmark Christmas movies.

2.   Earlier this week, former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson, 52, unexpectedly married film producer Jon Peters, 74, in Malibu.   ***   Some people might question the wisdom of marrying someone that old, but I’m sure Mr. Peters had his reasons.   

3.   Prince Charles says he expects to support Harry and Meghan even though the couple says they will be “financially independent.”  ***  Apparently, in England, when adults rely on their parents for support they can still say they are “in-de-pendent” – Here in the U.S. we usually say they are “in-de-basement.”

4.   The former head of the Engineering Department at Drexel University has been arrested for spending $185,000 of grant money on entertainment such as gambling, strip clubs and iTunes.  ***  Well, that’s shocking news, especially for people who thought an engineer’s idea of entertainment was line graphs, pie charts and PowerPoint.

5.   As part of their agreement with Queen Elizabeth, Harry and Meghan have given up their titles of “His Royal Highness” and “Her Royal Highness.” ***  Actually, those titles weren’t all that useful; both of them were abbreviated “HRH,” so Harry and Meghan still got their towels mixed up.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jan 17, 2020

1.   The Everlane shoe company announced it is discontinuing Angelina Jolie’s favorite shoe, the Modern Loafer.  ***  When asked if she’ll miss the Modern Loafer, Angelina said, “No, I’m glad I divorced him.”

2.   Chinese authorities are claiming that members of a banned religious minority have happily “graduated” from the country’s oppressive prison camp system.   ***  Ah yes, there’s nothing like watching students march up the aisle at a commencement ceremony and hearing “Pomp and Circumstance” over the rattling of their shackles.

3.   After Prince Harry and Meghan announced they were stepping back from their senior roles in the British royalty, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum immediately removed their wax figures from the “Royal Family” display.   ***  Queen Elizabeth said Harry’s figure should be returned to the display, but suggested they could just replace Meghan with an inflatable doll. (She said Charles did that with Camilla and no one ever noticed.)  

4.   Uber is working with Hyundai to develop an electric airplane for providing Uber services in the sky.  ***   Wow, that’s an amazing upgrade! Now you can be intimidated, insulted and harassed by a pilot.

5.   This year the Girl Scouts are offering a new cookie, “Lemon-Ups,” which are wafers stamped with positive affirmations such as "I Am a Leader" and "I Am a Go-Getter."  ***  As well as “There goes my diet,” “Why am I eating these?” and “I need more willpower.”

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jan 10, 2020

1.   The picturesque Austrian village of Hallstatt, which inspired the setting of Disney’s “Frozen” movies, is trying to manage the daily influx of 10,000 disruptive and annoying tourists by limiting the number of tour busses, preventing visitors from interrupting church services…   ***  …and expelling anyone who won’t stop singing “Let it Go.“ 

2.   The U.S. Army has issued a warning about fraudulent text messages that instruct the recipient to report to the nearest Army recruiting branch "for immediate departure to Iran."  ***   Hey, I’d never fall for that obvious scam…but if they told me I’d be sent to Nigeria and paid in gold bars…

3.   Yum Brands recently agreed to buy hamburger giant Habit Grill, which will join Yum’s current holdings of Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken.  ***  As the final step in its corporate strategy, Yum now plans to purchase a leading manufacturer of defibrillators.

4.   Russian archaeologists recently unearthed the ancient tomb of four “Amazon warrior women” who had lived around 500 B.C.  ***   Historians say Amazon warriors could be fierce fighters, but mostly they just sold and delivered stuff.

5.   Instead of playing taps, a U.S. Army base in South Korea accidentally sounded an alert siren that could indicate incoming missiles.  *** Afterwards, an Army spokesman apologized and said there was no harm done, except for extra long lines at the base laundromat.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jan 3, 2020

1.   According to Politico, at a holiday celebration at Mar-a-Lago President Trump casually mingled with the guests and was “just another guy in the buffet line.”  ***  And after the holidays his armored SUV was just another car in the line at the McDonalds drive-thru.

2.   As Pope Francis was greeting people in St. Peter’s Square on New Year’s Eve, a woman suddenly yanked the pontiff toward her and he angrily gave her two quick slaps on the hand.   ***   That was a shock—normally priests are taught to exercise restraint and only use that kind of slap when someone tries to reach into the collection basket.

3.   Queen Elizabeth has awarded Olivia Newton-John a “damehood” for “services to charity, cancer research, and entertainment.”  ***   A ceremony to bestow the honor will be held as soon as Prince Charles is ready to show off a few dance moves while singing, “I got chills…they’re multiplyin’…”

4.   In a new tourism campaign, the government of the Netherlands points out that Holland is actually just two of the country’s 12 provinces, so referring to the entire country as “Holland” is not accurate.   ***   They said it’s like referring to the 50 American states as “United.”