News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 30, 2019

1.   Larry King is divorcing his wife Shawn and his family says it’s “a huge weight off his shoulders.”   ***   They said Larry’s back was really starting to hurt and Shawn kept hitting her head on the ceiling.   

2.   When Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck announced his decision to retire because of injuries, the team’s owner said he could be walking away from $500 million.  ***  So, he apparently suffered some brain damage.

3.   Presidential candidate Marianne Williamson says if she is elected she will remove Donald Trump’s favorite portrait of Andrew Jackson from the Oval Office.   ***  Apparently she just doesn’t like paintings on black velvet.

4.   The band director at the University of Florida was attacked after last week’s football game.   ***  Fortunately, he was prepared to defend himself, although he wasn’t actually licensed to carry a concealed baton.

5.   Christie Brinkley was interviewed about being on “Dancing with the Stars” at age 65 and said, “A lot of people my age don’t go out of their comfort zone.”   ***  As I recall, just being 65 was out of my comfort zone.

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 23, 2019

1.   In spite of the official statements, autopsy results and physical evidence, conspiracy believers still say Jeffrey Epstein did not hang himself.   ***  They’re claiming it’s just another example of fake noose.

2.   After studying 500 pet owners, researchers at UCLA say they did not find any evidence of the “crazy cat lady” stereotype.   ***    However, their study did provide further evidence of another stereotype: “crazy UCLA researchers.”

3.   Tiffany Trump says her glitzy portrait created by artist Bling Colombia features Swarovski crystals and is “a gorgeous work of art.”   ***   Actually, it’s the first official White House portrait made with leftover rhinestones and a Bedazzler.

4.   Actress Whitney Port says one of her biggest regrets is passing up an opportunity to have a one-night stand with Leonardo DiCaprio.  ***  On the other hand, this makes her a member of a very exclusive group – women who have not had a one-night stand with DiCaprio.

5.   The Louisiana woman arrested for pouring hot oil on her boyfriend was found to have a history of brutally attacking boyfriends.   ***   Lesson learned: Never date a woman whose Match.com photos are all selfies with an ER in the background.

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 16, 2019

1.   After announcing their separation, Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus began exchanging accusations of infidelity, drug use and excessive partying, although their official statement noted that they remain “dedicated parents to all of their animals.”   ***   Yeah, well, they’re not setting a very good example.

2.   After escalating the confrontations with police and causing flights to be canceled for two days, protestors at the Hong Kong airport have issued a public apology.  ***  They said they were very sorry for trampling the chrysanthemums.

3.   New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is testing a helmet that has been re-designed to provide greater protection.  ***  He needs to make sure he still looks good in the instant replays and close-ups.

4.   A driver for Peter Pan Bus Lines is in trouble for allegedly locking a passenger inside the luggage compartment on a trip from New York to Boston. ***  This was a direct violation of the Peter Pan regulations, which prohibit any action that takes away a person’s shadow.

5.   In a British survey, 89% of Millennials said their lives have no purpose.  *** Well, other than taking surveys.

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 9, 2019

1.   After years of study, scientists have concluded that animal bones found in New Zealand are from a giant parrot that lived 20 million years ago and was over 3 feet tall.  ***  In those days, if Polly wanted a cracker, you darn well better give her one.

2.   A South Korean cult leader was arrested after convincing her followers to pay $25,000 so they could travel to Fiji, where they would “live for eternity.”  ***  Yeah, immortality would be nice…if it wasn’t so darn expensive.

3.   President Trump has spoken out against video games that feature excessive violence.  ***  He said every game should allow players to avoid violent combat scenarios by going to “Settings” and clicking on “Bone Spurs.”

4.   A Word-of-the-Day recently featured by Word Genius was “senescence,” which means “the aging process.”  ***   To further explain it, here’s the word used in a sentence: “Senescence sucks.”

5.   The founders of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream have created a new flavor, “Bernie’s Back,” to honor Bernie Sanders.   ***  It tastes pretty good, but you have to share it with everyone who doesn’t have any ice cream.

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 2, 2019

1.   To promote their new line of denim clothing, Kendall and Kylie Jenner appear in a Macy’s ad wearing only jeans and nothing else.  ***   I believe their message is this: If you buy our bottoms, you can’t afford a top.

2.   A Delta pilot was removed as his flight was about to depart because of signs that he was drunk.  ***   In accordance with federal regulations, authorities overlooked his slurred speech and rambling commentary, but had to step in when he started to forget the punchlines to all his jokes.

3.   In Lake Worth, Florida, a man parked his electric Tesla on a stranger’s lawn without permission and plugged in the car overnight to re-charge.  ***   Having dealt with Tesla owners before, police asked residents to be on the lookout for someone looking excessively smug.

4.   British police made several arrests after a violent brawl broke out on the cruise ship Britannia.  ***  A cruise line spokesman apologized for the disruption and said proper Brits would have resolved their differences with a lively game of shuffleboard.

5.   North Korea has just released a photo of Kim Jong Un posing near a new submarine.   ***  It’s apparently an amazing leap in technology—the picture was taken at the DMZ with the periscope sticking up through the dirt.