Friday, November 21, 2014

Friday, Nov 21, 2014

1.        Medical researchers have found that slumping forward while texting is like adding a 60 pound load to your spine and neck.  ***  They recommend that your back should be kept straight and your chin should be at least 12 inches from the steering wheel.

2.        The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety has reported that minivans from Chrysler and Nissan scored poorly in recent crash testing.  ***  They said that after a 40 mph frontal collision nearly half the cupholders were unusable.

3.        Olive Garden has changed its menu and now diners can choose “Northern Italian” or “Southern Italian.”  ***   Or, they can choose “Real Italian” and go eat somewhere else.

4.        An Iowa man was apprehended by Secret Service agents near the White House after they found a hunting rifle and a knife in his car.  ***  Because of new security procedures, they told him he’d have to leave the weapons behind before climbing over the fence.

5.        Twenty-four women in Minnesota are crafting an elaborate wedding gown that has one million beads and weighs 400 pounds.  ***  Gee, usually it’s the guy who has to be dragged to the altar.

6.        A woman in Salt Lake City was allowed to have her driver’s license photo taken while wearing a kitchen colander on her head.   ***  The picture turned out OK, although her expression was somewhat strained.

7.        The Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year is “vape,” a device which turns substance into vapor, like an e-cigarette.  ***  Or a political speech.

8.        Facebook is going to prevent users from sharing their “Friends” list with political campaign committees.  ***  Unless the candidate is a cat.

9.        Plus-size actress Melissa McCarthy recently lost 45 pounds.  An inside source said, “She’s not obsessed with dieting; she’s just looking for a happy medium.”  ***  Well, she may have found happy, but I don’t think she reached medium.

10.     After 34 hours on the air, TV weatherman Al Roker set a new world record.  *** Longest continuous weather show without a single accurate forecast.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Friday, Nov 14, 2014

1.        Andy Worhol’s painting of Elvis Presley, “Triple Elvis,” has just sold at auction for $81.9 million.   ***   It’s extremely rare—it’s the only Elvis painting in the world that was not done on black velvet.

2.        A tiger has been spotted on the loose near Disneyland Paris.  ***  In an effort to protect tourists in the area, police have issued a warning to be on the lookout for predatory ticket prices.

3.        Seattle Seahawk fans were outraged to learn that the stadium beer had been watered down.  ***  They became suspicious when they woke up Monday morning and actually remembered the game.

4.        Starbucks has come out with its first new holiday drink of the season, a chestnut-flavored latte.  ***  It’s not easy to make.  They have to roast it on an open fire.

5.        Nigeria’s ambassador to the U.S. is complaining that we won’t sell weapons to his country.  ***   He said he sent a polite e-mail to the Pentagon with a list of the requested ordnance and a promise to pay later with a shipment of gold bars.

6.        A 17 year old boy saved a Philadelphia policeman’s life by pulling him from his cruiser which had burst into flames after an accident.  ***  Then the kid had to restrain the cop from trying to go back for the donuts.

7.        A study by a Pennsylvania engineering firm shows that germs from a sneeze in an aircraft can travel up to 50 feet.   ***   That’s in coach.  First-class passengers, of course, don’t have any germs.

8.        In Egypt, a bus driver used a clean urine sample from his wife for his drug screen, but he was fired when it tested positive for pregnancy.   ***   That’s too bad; here in the U.S. he would have kept his job and gotten maternity leave.

9.        The Walter White action figure with a gun and a bag of meth has been pulled by Toys R Us, but it’s available on e-Bay for inflated prices.  ***  Now it’s cheaper to just get a Ken doll and corrupt him.

10.     McDonald’s has not yet launched its new Facebook-based advertising slogan, “Lovin’ Beats Hatin’.”   ***  The haters are demanding a recount.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Friday, Nov 7, 2014

1.        A study by Fidelity Investments shows that most millennials get financial advice from their parents, but the investment firm says young adults should seek additional sources of financial guidance.  ***   So, “Get a job” requires a second opinion?

2.        A recent study says it’s important to understand millennials (people now under 30) because by the year 2020 they will make up 50% of the workforce.  ***  And they’ll be doing 25% of the work.

3.        Rubic’s cube, toy soldiers and bubbles have just been inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, N.Y.  ***  The Walter White action figure was disqualified after failing the drug test.

4.        The commander of the U.S. Navy SEALs has rebuked troops who have broken the elite group’s tradition of secrecy by publishing their memoirs.  ***  He also stated that despite numerous requests, SEAL training will not be expanded to include grammar, creative writing and marketing.

5.        A woman in Southern California was devastated by the theft of her 90 pound tortoise.  ***  But by the time she discovered the theft and called 911, the thief and the tortoise were already halfway down the driveway.

6.        The Air Force has just fired two commanders in the nuclear missile corps for mistreating subordinates, failing to promote their welfare and causing poor morale.  ***  Ad for their replacements:  “Wanted: Compassionate, caring sympathetic leaders. Must be willing to annihilate the world.”

7.        When Wal-Mart closed its store in McAllen, Texas, city officials turned it into a public library.  ***  It’s the only library in the country where the dress code is tank tops and flip-flops.

8.        Following the fisticuffs between Brad Keselowski and Jeff Gordon after the NASCAR race in Texas, team owner Roger Penske came out in support of the way Keselowski drove the race.  ***  However, he did say that Brad needs to improve his jab and right uppercut.

9.        Experts say that when the “Fury 325” is built in a North Carolina amusement park, the U.S. will have the most terrifying roller coaster in the world.  ***  Actually, we already have that.  It’s called the stock market.

10.     In a recent letter, Pope Francis supported the use of exorcism to cast out demons.  ***  Although here in the U.S. we prefer elections.