News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Mar 27, 2020

1.   Although many observers are giving Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer high marks for her response to COVID-19, President Trump slammed her in an interview on the Sean Hannity Show, saying, “…she's not stepping up. I don't know if she knows what's going on, but all she does is sit there…”   ***   At which point Mr. Hannity leaned forward and whispered, “Excuse me, Mr. President, but you’re looking at a photograph.” 

2.   In a study in the “New England Journal of Medicine,” researchers found that the surface material that kills virus cells the fastest is copper.  ***  Coincidentally, “Copper” pretty much describes the money left in my retirement account.

3.   When asked why he doesn’t speak up at press briefings when President Trump says something that’s not true, the diminutive Dr. Fauci said, “I can’t jump in front of the microphone and push him down.”  ***  “But next time I might bite his ankles.”

4.   The Kardashians say they are adhering to CDC’s recommendations and maintaining a person-to-person separation of at least 6 feet. ***  Or, in Kardashian units, about 2 kimbutts.

5.   COVID-19 researchers say “social distancing” can reduce a person’s risk of getting infected.  ***  Their first clue was when they studied the first 1,000 patients and found there wasn’t a single engineer.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Mar 20, 2020

1.   With so many people confined to their homes, making sacrifices and feeling increasingly stressed, the Hallmark Channel announced it will air re-runs of 27 old Christmas movies in a 3-day “Christmas Movie Marathon.”  ***  Geesh, as if we haven’t already suffered enough…

2.   To reduce stress caused by COVID-19 concerns and confinement, some people recommend unpacking last year's Christmas lights and hanging them back up.   ***  Or, in our case, just plugging them back in.

3.   The CDC is now warning everyone to stay at least 6 feet away from each other.   ***   Actually, parents told us kids the same thing 60 years ago--back when we all had hula hoops.  

4.   Delta Air Lines announced it is cutting its flights by 40%.  ***  So, it looks like my upcoming flight from Detroit to Salt Lake City will be landing somewhere in the middle of Nebraska.

5.   Because of concerns over COVID-19, anyone wanting to meet with President Trump or Vice President Pence must now get a temperature scan.   ***  What a hassle! Previously, all you had to do was put on a MAGA hat and sign a loyalty oath.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Mar 13, 2020

1.   A study in the UK found that almost 10% of elderly people go an entire week without speaking face-to-face with someone, and the director of “Age UK” says it’s because younger people can’t take a minute to ask, “Hello, how are you?”   ***  Actually, it’s because they can’t take an hour to listen to the answer.

2.   In spite of concerns over the spread of Coronavirus, many venues are proceeding with planned activities, but they are taking extra precautions, such as a recent senior center event in which the chairs were placed 3 feet apart.   ***   Hopefully this will clarify my earlier report that none of us seniors were worried about the virus because we were all spaced out. 

3.   Walmart announced that an employee has tested positive for Coronavirus.   ***   The company’s stock is now plunging amid fears that the global disease is being transmitted primarily by flip-flops.

4.   Many voters are reportedly concerned that the three leading presidential candidates—Trump, Biden and Sanders—are all in their 70’s, so regardless of election results, the next office holder will have a high risk of health issues, limited physical endurance and diminished cognitive powers. ***  However, many of us seniors prefer to look at the bright side: In the next presidential library, with all its historic books and documents, everything will be large-print. 

5.   Prince Harry and Meghan were photographed arriving at the Endeavor Fund Awards, walking under an umbrella in the rain, in their first public appearance after stepping away from the royal life  ***  Thank goodness they had the umbrella to keep them dry while Harry tried to remember how to open a door.