News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 30, 2017

1.   A woman is suing Johnny Utah’s bar in Manhattan for allowing her to ride a mechanical bull while she was drunk.  ***  Actually, the amazing thing is that she filed the lawsuit while she was sober.

2.   Actress Mayim Bialik, who plays Amy on “Big Bang Theory,” cannot talk for one month because she sprained her vocal chords.  ***  So, for the next few episodes Amy will respond to all of Sheldon’s snide comments with her middle finger.

3.   For the fourth consecutive time, a pit bull won the election for mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, beating a cat, a chicken, a donkey and a little boy.  ***   How sad--even that little town had a better slate of candidates than the last presidential election.

4.   At the state capitol in Little Rock, Arkansas, a man drove his car into a newly erected granite slab with the Ten Commandments and shattered it.  ***  Because of budget constraints, state officials decided to leave the pieces where they fell and just erect a sign saying “Moses slipped.”

5.   At a Six Flags amusement park in New York, a 14-year old girl slipped out of an aerial ride and was caught by a group of people 25 feet below.  ***  It was so scary that hundreds of kids immediately ran to get in line.

6.   According to a recent study by the Employee Benefit Research Institute, more than 10% of retirees are "not at all satisfied" with retirement.  ***  Actually, they weren’t satisfied with working, either, but at least then they had someone to complain to.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 30, 1975 - Just four days after divorcing Sonny Bono, Cher marries Gregg Allman.   ***  Sonny immediately records his new song, “I Lost You, Babe.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1916 – A Boeing aircraft flies for the first time.   ***   Unfortunately, it was the fifth attempt.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1986 – The U.S. informs New Zealand that it will not defend that country against attack.   ***  You know, it was the beginning of summer, baseball season was underway, the big Fourth of July holiday was coming up, etc., etc.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 26, 1797 – Charles Newbold patents the cast iron plow.  ***  And the horses all thought, “Really? You couldn’t come up with something a little lighter?” 

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 23, 2017

1.   Police in Puyallup, Washington arrested three teenagers who complained that their drive-thru order was shorted and then pulled a gun on employees at Jack-in-the-Box.  *** Company officials said they were relieved that no one was hurt, and they now plan to upgrade all their restaurants to Jack-in-the-Bulletproof-Box.

2.   A European company is now marketing “Coco Loco,” a powdered chocolate that can be snorted.  ***  It’s not addictive, but your nose gets fat.

3.   A federal judge in Detroit has approved a $6.5 million settlement for exotic dancers at the Déjà Vu strip clubs.  ***  He also ruled that the money must be paid in $5 bills and stuck in their G-strings.

4.   Bob Barker, the former host of “The Price is Right,” was hospitalized after falling and hitting his head. ***  He’s feeling better now, but he’s tired of all the doctors making him guess how much his treatment is going to cost.

5.   In New York City, the Saks Fifth Avenue store now has an entire floor dedicated to workout gear, yoga mats and exercise programs.  ***  It’s part of their new plan to offer clothes in just one size and make the customers fit.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 23, 1972 – President Nixon and H.R. Haldeman agree to use the CIA to cover up the Watergate break-in.   ***   That was clearly an abuse of power—presidents are only supposed to use the CIA to cover up their affairs.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1990 – Florida passes a law that prohibits women from wearing a thong bathing suit.   ***    If they’re on Social Security.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1913 – Tiny Broadwick becomes the first woman to parachute from an airplane.  ***   It was a successful jump, unlike the later attempt by her older sister, Big Bertha Broadwick.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1939 – A rocket plane makes its first test flight using liquid propellants.   ***  It was flown by a test pilot using liquid courage.

10.  On this date in history:  June 19, 1952 – "I've Got a Secret" debuts on CBS with Garry Moore as host.  ***   They later came out with a similar show for kids: “I Know Something You Don’t Know – Nyaa, Nyaa, Nyaa.”  

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 16, 2017

1.   Fugitive polygamist Lyle Jeffs was arrested by FBI agents who found him living alone in his truck after his 8 wives and 60 children left him.  ***  I guess he should have had a bigger truck.

2.   Many United Airlines customers are unhappy with the restrictions of the new budget fare, “Basic Economy,” such as a limited carry-on, no seat changes and being the last to board…   ***  …so the other passengers and crew can point at them and laugh.

3.   A Virginia Beach high school student who participated in a big toilet papering prank was barred from graduation ceremonies and will receive his diploma in the mail.  ***  But the school principal promised him it would be a very special diploma: 2-ply, perforated and pulled off a roll.

4.   A woman in Grand Rapids was kicked out of a shopping mall because she was wearing a tank top.   ***    Geesh, and at Wal-Mart you’re kicked out if you aren’t.

5.   Little-known Aldi plans to invest $3.4 billion to become the third largest grocery chain in the country by building new stores and updating existing ones.   ***    Unfortunately, a company spokesman confirmed that $3.4 billion won’t be enough to fix all the grocery carts with one wheel that goes “Clunk… clunk… clunk… clunk…”       

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 16, 1961 – Soviet ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev defects to the West in Paris.  ***  It was tough for him to avoid detection, being the only guy running down the Champs d’Elysees in tights.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1951 – The first commercial electronic computer is dedicated in Philadelphia.  ***   People were amazed by the powerful new technology and spent the rest of the day playing solitaire. 

8.   On this date in history:  June 14, 1954 – President Eisenhower signs an executive order adding the words "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance.  ***   Cautious White House lawyers, however, were reluctant to approve the change without first getting God’s permission.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1927  – Charles A. Lindbergh is welcomed to New York City with a ticker-tape parade. ***  The only people not celebrating were the street sweepers.

10.  On this date in history:  June 12, 1967 – Israel wins what became known as “The Six Day War.”  ***   That was very impressive—it was originally scheduled to go nine.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 9, 2017

1.   A study by researchers at Michigan State University found that family and friendships are very important to achieving happiness in life.  ***   In fact, the study said those relationships are almost as important as winning football games.  

2.   After a 30 year study, researchers at the University of Oxford and University College London have concluded that the brain can suffer long term impairment from moderate drinking.  ***  And that’s why I never stop at “moderate.”

3.   Police outside the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris shot and wounded a man after he attacked them with a hammer.  ***  In order to prevent incidents like that in the United States, President Trump has expanded his proposed travel ban to include countries that have a lot of carpenters.

4.   According to a study published in “Food and Chemical Toxicology,” it’s not safe to have more than four cups of caffeinated coffee each day.  ***   Researchers conducted the study by sneaking up on various coffee drinkers and yelling “Boo!”

5.   Charlie Sheen took his latest girlfriend, Jules, to his 12 year-old daughter’s birthday party.  ***  Ah, kids grow up so fast. It’s hard to believe that in just a few short years Charlie’s daughter will be older than most of his girls he dates.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 9, 1931 – The first Donald Duck cartoon is shown.  *** Thank goodness Mickey Mouse was more popular—otherwise TV would be showing “The Donald Duck Club,” with kids wearing fake bills over their mouths.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 8, 1917 – Walt Disney graduates from high school.   ***   However, for the commencement ceremony they made him finally take off those silly mouse ears.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 7, 1769 – Daniel Boone begins exploring Kentucky.  ***  However, he reportedly never made it past the first bourbon distillery.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 6, 1882 – The electric iron is patented by Henry W. Seely.  ***  Unfortunately, that’s not what Mrs. Seely had in mind when she asked Henry to help with the ironing.

10.  On this date in history:  June 5, 1855 – The Know-Nothing political party holds its first convention *** Unfortunately, it was poorly attended because no one knew where or when it was.

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 2, 2017

1.   Angelina Jolie has just paid $25 million for the mansion originally owned by Cecil B. DeMille.  ***   It was expensive, but it has everything she was looking for in a house--6 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms and no Brad.

2.   Megan Kelly announced that she’ll be filming a one-on-one interview with Vladimir Putin later today.  ***  He only agreed to it after finding out her back-up plan was to use that guy from Saturday Night Live.

3.   Uber has fired Anthony Levandowski, the executive in charge of developing a self-driving car.   ***   Then, in a snarky sendoff, they said he should be able to find his own way out.

4.   In talking about the difficulties she has faced in life, especially her affair with Prince Charles, Camilla told an interviewer that to survive “You have to laugh at yourself.”  ***  Sure, that’s easy for her to say.

5.   Lindsay Lohan revealed that she wants to play Ariel in a live remake of “The Little Mermaid.”   ***   She said it’s the ideal role for a woman who drinks like a fish.

6.   The NFL has eased the restrictions on touchdown celebrations, saying that going to ground, making snow angels and using the ball as a prop are now allowed.  ***  Players say they appreciate the change, but are concerned that they only have a few months to choreograph and practice their new moves.

7.   On this date in history:  June 2, 1851 – The first alcohol prohibition law in the U.S. is enacted in Maine.   ***   However, officials were disappointed to find that after everyone there sobered up they still talked funny. 

8.   On this date in history:  June 1, 1813 – Captain John Lawrence first utters the Navy motto, "Don't give up the ship!..."  ***  “…It was paid for with your tax dollars!”

9.   On this date in history:  May 31, 1870 – E. J. DeSemdt patents asphalt pavement.   ***   Inventing the basic blacktop was easy; the hard part was getting all those potholes to suddenly appear.

10.  On this date in history:  May 30, 1971 – 36 people are hospitalized during a Grateful Dead concert after drinking apple juice spiked with LSD.  ***  Considering the widespread drug use at those concerts without any issues, authorities concluded it must have been a bad batch of apple juice.