News for Week Ending Friday, May 26, 2017

1.   Utility crews in Palm Springs, Florida are examining a 4-foot wide sink hole that suddenly appeared in front of Mar-a-Lago.   ***   Apparently God just wanted to start with a little test spot.

2.   Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell, the couple from the 2015 season of “The Bachelor,” announced that they’re breaking up.  ***  After living together for a year, they finally realized they’re only compatible if they pause every 15 minutes for a commercial.

3.   At the Newark airport, a reported engine fire on a United Airlines flight preparing for take-off had passengers scrambling for the exits and jumping down the emergency slides.  ***   Well, it looks like United finally found a quick and easy way to deplane its overbooked passengers.

4.   Nicki Minaj surprised the Ellen DeGeneres audience by announcing that she plans to remain celibate for the next year.  ***   Or possibly a little less, depending on how soon the rash clears up.

5.   In an interview on CBS, Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele, said that last season the quarterback suffered a concussion.  ***  Patriots fans were stunned—at first they all thought she said “confession.”

6.   On this date in history:  May 26, 1930 – The Supreme Court rules that buying liquor is not in violation the Constitution.  ***  But most of the things you do after drinking it probably are.

7.   On this date in history:  May 25, 1922 – Babe Ruth is suspended for one day and fined $200 for throwing dirt on an umpire.  ***  That’s what happens when you throw dirt—if you’re a baseball player, you get fined; if you’re a politician, you get elected.

8.   On this date in history:  May 24, 1954 – IBM announces development of an "electronic brain” that could perform 10 million mathematical operations per hour.  ***  However, they didn’t actually say if the answers were correct.

9.   On this date in history:  May 23, 1903 – The first automobile trip across the U.S. from San Francisco to New York begins, and will take 8 days.  ***   To put it another way, that’s over 200 are-we-there-yets.

10.  On this date in history:  May 22, 1954 – Robert Zimmerman (a.k.a. Bob Dylan) has his Bar Mitzvah.  ***   It went very well--his English was so garbled everyone assumed he was speaking a rare form of Hebrew.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 19, 2017

1.   Roger Ailes, the Fox CEO who was fired amid accusations of sexual harassment, has died at the age of 77.  ***  Former co-workers say he’ll be remembered fondle-y.

2.   Japanese lawmakers are drafting legislation that would allow 83 year old Emperor Akihito to step down after he indicated his advanced age is a hindrance to carrying out his official duties.  ***  He says he tires easily, sometimes gets confused and often has trouble remembering who won that last big war.

3.   With its stockpile of nuclear weapons and its relative proximity to North Korea, legislators in Seattle want to overturn a law that actually prohibits planning for a nuclear threat.  ***   In regards to seeking shelter during a nuclear attack, the lawmakers pointed out, “Hey, we can’t all rush to a Starbucks.”

4.   Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle says she is being considered for replacing Sean Spicer as White House press secretary.  ***   The remaining steps are additional interviews with President Trump, a thorough background check, and finding someone to play her on Saturday Night Live.

5.   After many years of feuding and estrangement, Elton John announced that he and his mother have reconciled, and he will “let bygones be bygones.” ***  In return, she has agreed to always call him “Rocket Man.”  

6.   On this date in history:  May 19, 1941 – German occupiers in Holland forbid bicycle taxis.  ***  Gee, just because of that one unfortunate incident involving a windmill…

7.   On this date in history:  May 18, 1804 – Napoleon Bonaparte is proclaimed Emperor of France.  ***  His first official act was to order the guillotine for anyone who didn’t agree that it was the biggest proclamation crowd ever.

8.   On this date in history:  May 17, 1620 – A merry-go-round first appears at a fair (in Turkey).   ***   Previously, fairgoers just ran by the brass ring dispenser and tried to grab one.

9.   On this date in history:  May 16, 1986 – Bobby Ewing (Patrick Duffy) comes back from dead on “Dallas.”  ***  That was the episode where we learned that all the bad news just a dream.  Kind of like what we’re hoping to hear from CNN.

10.  On this date in history:  May 15, 1800 – King George III survives a second assassination attempt.   ***  He subsequently changed his name to King Lucky II.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 12, 2017

1.   A United Airlines flight attendant told a passenger who had to use the restroom to stay seated and pee in a cup because the plane was landing.  ***   In the wake of this PR debacle, United is now reviewing options for future flights: a) Make sure there’s a really big supply of cups, or b) Carry enough fuel to circle the airport until everyone visits the restroom, or c) Stop serving coffee to old people.

2.   It’s been revealed that in 2011 the wife of former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly caught him half naked, having phone sex.  ***  He was paying $3 a minute to have a sexy woman whisper naughty things like “liberal,” “universal health care” and “gun control.”

3.   Former president Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a mystery novel, “The President is Missing.”  ***   In the first five chapters, the Secret Service searches for the president at the homes of all his mistresses.

4.   The Crayola company announced that it is removing the “Dandelion” crayon from the 24-pack.  ***   I believe the replacement color is “Round-Up.”

5.   Police in Tennessee raided several psychiatric facilities operated by the Church of Scientology and found many patients being held captive in locked cabins, treated with unknown medicines  ***   and forced to watch Tom Cruise movie marathons.

6.   On this date in history:  May 12, 1888 – The crouching start for a sprint is first used by Charles Sherrill of Yale.   ***   Actually, he was just tying his shoe when the gun went off.

7.   On this date in history:  May 11, 1924 – The Pulitzer Prize is awarded to Robert Frost.  ***  Unfortunately, he was late for the award ceremony because he took the road less traveled.

8.   On this date in history:  May 10, 1503 - Columbus discovers the Cayman Islands.  ***  And immediately opens up an offshore bank account. 

9.   On this date in history:  May 9, 1932 – London’s Piccadilly Circus section is first lighted by electricity.  ***   Surprisingly, despite the bright lights, people still couldn’t see any clowns.   

10.  On this date in history:  May 8, 1952 – Mad Magazine debuts.  ***   It was later found to be a political front for promoting presidential candidate Alfred E. Neuman.  

News for Week Ending Friday, May 5, 2017

1.   NASA researchers have concluded that one of Saturn’s moons, Enceladus, has all the necessary factors for sustained life.  ***   But they’re not sure that Earth does.

2.   Some airlines are planning to reduce legroom by as much as 2 inches.  ***   Now United will have to use excessive force to get passengers into their seats.

3.   After Donald Trump’s surprising comments regarding the Civil War, Dan Rather compared the president to “a gradeschooler.”   ***   Mr. Trump strongly rejected that criticism, but he did agree to stop signing executive orders with a crayon.    

4.   This week Mexican authorities arrested notorious drug kingpin Damaso Lopez, a.k.a. “The Graduate.”   ***  They also arrested a Mrs. Robinson (and told Mr. Lopez he should have gone into plastics).

5.   On the Ellen DeGeneres Show, Kim Kardashian said the Paris robbery had a profound impact and made her less materialistic.  ***  But, with the help of her family, she was able to stay strong until the feeling passed.

6.   On this date in history:  May 5, 1847 – The American Medical Association is established in Philadelphia.  ***  With the rapidly growing healthcare business, an organization was needed to help doctors coordinate their tee times. 

7.   On this date in history:  May 4, 1814  – The Bourbon reign is restored in France.  ***  I’m not sure what that was all about, but the concept of “Bourbon rain” sure sounds good.  (Now, that would be my kind of “singin’ in the rain.”)

8.   On this date in history:  May 3, 1997 – Garry Kasparov begins a chess match with IBM supercomputer Deep Blue.  ***   To make things fair, Mr. Kasparov was not allowed to go to the restroom, and Deep Blue could not call the help desk.

9.   On this date in history:  May 2, 1876 – Ross Barnes hits the first home run in the National League.  ***  For a brief time he holds the record for most home runs, longest home run, shortest home run… 

10.  On this date in history:  May 1, 1751 – The first cricket match is played in America.   ***    I believe that was also the last cricket match ever played in America.