Friday, August 18, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 18, 2017

1.   Authorities in London announced that “Big Ben” will be silent for the next four years while maintenance takes place on the clock’s mechanism and the bell.  ***  They also asked American tourists to please stop referring to it as “The Gong Show.”

2.   After being found guilty of falsely selling rings under the Tiffany name, Costco has been ordered to pay Tiffany & Co. $19 million.   ***  And when women find out their “Tiffany” engagement rings were actually bought at Costco, their husbands will be paying for the rest of their lives.

3.   In a speech to sailors on the USS Kentucky, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis praised them and said, “You won’t be laying on a shrink’s couch when you’re 45 years old asking, ‘What the hell did I do with my life?’ ”  ***  He said there’s no way that sort of therapy would ever be covered by VA benefits.

4.   The international hacking group known as “Anonymous” has announced that it will begin attacking white supremacist websites.  ***  Well, Anonymous is really making a name for itself.

5.   Kim Kardashian has been criticized for putting her 20-month old son, Saint, in a forward-facing car seat.  ***  I agree—the kid isn’t nearly old enough to see some of those outfits his mother wears. (Really, he should be in a rear-facing seat or, preferably, blindfolded.)

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 18, 1961 – Construction on the Berlin Wall is completed.   ***  Apparently they didn’t have a building permit, because a few years later some guy named Reagan told them to tear it down. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1918 – Samuel Riddle buys Man o'War for $5,000.   ***   It’s interesting that there were no offers for the horse’s brother, Man o’Peace.  

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1984 – A Los Angeles federal jury acquits auto maker John Z. DeLorean on cocaine charges.  ***  But, he was found guilty of the more serious charge of selling a car that was under-powered and over-priced. 

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1620 – The Mayflower sets sail from Southampton with 102 Pilgrims.   ***  Not a bad turnout for the first cruise sold through Travelocity. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1842 – The Seminole War ends and the Indians are relocated from Florida to Oklahoma.  ***   However, they were allowed to return to Florida after reaching the age of 65.

Friday, August 11, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 11, 2017

1.   A New York City bakery has teamed up with the Ruffino winery to make “prosecco donuts” for wine lovers.  ***   They’ll be sold in a new chain, Drunken Donuts.

2.   The U.S. plans to put a tariff on aluminum foil from China.  ***   However, the White House said an exemption will be granted for the fashionable Ivanka line of microwave-resistant headwear.

3.   Justin Bieber was spotted taking part in a practice round and getting advice from elite golfers at a PGA golf tournament in North Carolina this week.   ***   He wants to improve his swing for hitting drives, chip shots and paparazzi.

4.   A man in Roseville, Michigan says a Tim Horton’s employee slammed the drive-thru window on his hand and broke his finger.  ***  I’ll bet that’s the last time he orders the “Wake-Up Special.”

5.   Vice President Mike Pence is denying a New York Times report that he has started a “shadow campaign” to win the presidency in 2020.  ***  In fact, he says he hasn’t even met with the Russians yet.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 11, 1972 – "Cheech & Chong Day" takes place in San Antonio, Texas.  ***   It would be almost a week before people could see the sun again. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1975 – David Frost purchases exclusive rights to interview Nixon.   ***  These days it costs a bit more to interview a former politician; first you have to put up their bail money.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1855 – The Battle of Acapulco takes place in Mexico.  ***   It was the Spring Breakers vs. the Summer Vacationers.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1860 – The queen of the Sandwich Islands arrives in New York City.   ***   She was accompanied by her boyfriend, Jimmy John. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1820 – The first potatoes are planted in Hawaii.   ***   After which the landowner yelled, “I said PINEAPPLES you idiot, PINEAPPLES!”

Friday, August 4, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 1, 2017

1.   The NFL is planning to study marijuana for pain management.  ***  Of course, they’ll have to lift the restriction against smoking in the huddle.

2.   Good news for Sean Spicer: He’s been invited to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.”  ***   The bad news:  His partner will be a motorized podium.

3.   The World Health Organization says that at least three people in the world have been infected with a new “superbug” strain of gonorrhea. ***  Actually, only two cases have been confirmed, but they assume Charlie Sheen will make it three. 

4.   The Hallmark Channel has announced it will debut 33 new Christmas movies this year.  ***  But only 2 new plots.

5.   According the show’s producers, Donald Trump once wanted to voice a character on “The Simpsons,” but was denied.  ***    In a clear act of revenge, the President recently revealed that that rejection is the only reason Homer isn’t the new Chief of Staff at the White House.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 4, 1970 – Jim Morrison is arrested for drunkenness.  ***  He was seen stumbling up to people on the street and asking them to light his fire. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1963 – Allan Sherman releases "Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda," a song about a camper’s letter to his folks.  ***   Of course, today he’d post his complaints on Facebook, send a text to his parents, and then contact Uber to come and take him home. 

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1991 – Funk singer Rick James is arrested and accused of sexual torture.   ***   I believe he was eventually charged with 12 shades of grey.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1991 – Actress Hedy Lamarr, 77, is arrested for shoplifting in Florida.  ***  Fortunately, it was before 4:00 P.M., so she qualified for a reduced fine under Florida’s “Early Bird Special” laws for seniors.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 31, 1970 – Chet Huntley retires from NBC, ending the "Huntley-Brinkley Report."   ***  Actually, he quit in disgust when Brinkley wouldn’t stop trying to get his name first.  

Friday, July 28, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 28, 2017

1.   June Foray has passed away at the age of 99; she was the cartoon voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Russian spy Natasha Fatale.  ***  Hmmm…it seems VERY SUSPICIOUS that Ms. Foray died just two days before Natasha was due to testify about  alleged connections with Donald Trump’s campaign staff.

2.   One day after canceling the tour promoting his new album with hits like “What Do You Mean?” and “Sorry,” Justin Bieber struck a paparazzo while driving away from an event in Beverly Hills.  ***  He will now start working on his next album, with songs like “Get the H*** Out of My Way,” “Move Your Sorry A**,” and “Hey, I’m Glad I Broke Your Camera.”

3.   Steve Whitmire, who was fired after 27 years of puppeteering Kermit the Frog, said it had been even more than a job, a career and a passion—it was his whole life.  ***  In fact, in one of the interviews Mr. Whitmire got so emotional he fell off his lily pad.

4.   The big annual Taedonggang Beer Festival in North Korea has been cancelled.  ***  Several organizers had woken up in a cold sweat after having nightmares about Kim Jong Un putting on lederhosen and trying to dance the polka.

5.   A Texas-based coffee distributor has been ordered to recall a coffee blend that contains a chemical similar to the active drug in Viagra.  ***  Authorities were forced to take action after state-wide complaints about employees being late for work.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 28, 1931 – "The Star-Spangled Banner" is designated as our national anthem.  ***  It was unanimously approved by baseball parks everywhere. 

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 27, 1844 – Fire destroys the U.S. mint at Charlotte, NC.  ***   How sad.  Just a day earlier it was in mint condition.

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 26, 1990 – General Hospital tapes its 7,000th episode.  ***  It was about the unlikely love affair between a dedicated doctor and a patient who was only on the Bronze Plan.

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 25, 1943 – Benito Mussolini is dismissed as premier of Italy.   ***   He knew something was up when they asked him to come down to the HR Department.

10.  On this date in history:  July 24, 1967 – The Beatles sign a petition in The Times to legalize marijuana.  ***  As an incentive, they said if it was legalized they would explain the lyrics to “I Am the Walrus.”

Friday, July 21, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 21, 2017

1.   People are complaining that the Democrats’ new campaign slogan for 2018, “Better Skills, Better Jobs, Better Wages,” is too similar to the Jimmy John’s slogan, “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza.”  ***  Actually, they should just use the Jimmy John’s slogan—at least it’s a promise they could deliver.    

2.   During a routine traffic stop, police in Austin, Texas discovered 75 pounds of liquid meth hidden in jugs of engine degreaser.  ***  Actually, meth is a terrific engine cleaner, if you don’t mind potholes in your driveway.

3.   A storm system over the Atlantic has been named “Don” while one over the Pacific has been named “Hilary.”  ***  That’s very appropriate—in fact, the only difference between Mr. Trump and Ms. Clinton and the two potential hurricanes is that hurricanes have a higher approval rating.

4.   American Airlines is denying that one of its planes was evacuated at the Raleigh-Durham Airport because passengers were getting nauseous after someone “passed gas.”  ***  The airline said the odor was likely due to a mechanical issue, but just to be safe they will no longer serve the burrito special.

5.   A truck accident on Route 101 in Oregon resulted in a shipment of thousands of live eels spilled across the highway.   ***   State officials said they hadn’t seen that many slimy, disgusting, blood-sucking creatures since the last political convention.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 21, 1931 – A horse race track in Reno is the first venue in the U.S. to feature a “daily double.”  ***   Oh.  I thought that was “Jeopardy.”

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 20, 1881 – Indian leader Sitting Bull surrenders to federal troops.   ***   As a sign of respect, the soldiers didn’t make him stand up. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 19, 1976 – The rock group “Deep Purple” disbands.   ***  Of course, we all remember when they first formed and were considering the names “Burgundy,” “Maroon,” and “Eggplant.”

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 18, 1872 Britain introduces secret ballot voting.   ***  It was so secret even the voters didn’t know who they were voting for.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 17, 1988 – San Francisco has a record high temperature of 103 degrees.  ***  Down at Fisherman’s Wharf, the Ghirardelli Company had a special on dark chocolate soup. 

Friday, July 14, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 14, 2017

1.   A funeral home in Flint, Michigan has been shut down because of unhealthy conditions and decomposing bodies.   ***   Contrary to local rumors, the toxic drinking water did not work well for embalming.

2.   A district judge in Hawaii has ruled that President Trump’s travel ban from Muslim countries does not apply to grandparents of U.S. citizens.  ***  In order to enter the U.S., elderly couples must show proof of having sent ten years of birthday cards with $5 tucked inside.

3.   Muppet Show veteran Matt Vogel will be replacing Steve Whitmore as the puppeteer for Kermit the Frog.  ***  The noticeable change in Kermit’s voice will be explained to all the young viewers through an educational story about puberty.

4.   In a case of extreme road rage, an Episcopalian priest was arrested in Florida for threatening another driver with his Glock pistol.   ***   The priest quickly apologized and said the gun is normally used just to keep people awake during his sermons.

5.   A Delta Airlines passenger trying to open an exit door during a flight from Seattle to Beijing was subdued by a flight attendant who hit him over the head with two bottles of wine.  ***  In accordance with Delta policy, since the incident took place in first class it was OK to hit him with the chardonnay AND the pinot noir.

6.   On this date in history:  Jul 14, 1973 – Phil Everly storms off the stage and declares an end to the Everly Brothers  ***  He was sick and tired of always fighting Don for the hairspray.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 13, 1987 – A federal judge throws out Bette Midler's $10 million suit against Ford Motor Co, who used a sound-alike voice for their TV commercials.  ***  Ford was also accused of music plagiarism in a lawsuit filed by Ms. Midler’s boyfriend at the time, the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B. 

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 12, 1960 – USSR's Sputnik 5 is launched with two dogs.  ***  They would have gone with cats, but there just wasn’t room for the litter box (and in a weightless environment—very messy). 

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 11, 1955 – Congress authorizes all U.S. currency to say "In God We Trust."   ***  It sounded a little better than their second choice: “Heaven Help Us.” 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 10, 1982 – Trapeze artist Miguel Vasquez makes the first public quadruple somersault.   ***  Actually, he was just going for a triple, but he lost count.

Friday, July 7, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jul 7, 2017

1.   United Airlines has apologized to a mother who had to hold her two-year old son on a 3-hour flight after a man got onboard during a layover and claimed the boy’s double-booked seat.  ***  A United spokesman said it was a case of human error-- according to company policy the man should have held the boy.

2.   A woman in Oklahoma tried to recruit a man to kill her husband and showed him her plan with a PowerPoint presentation.  ***   It’s the first time PowerPoint was involved in trying to kill someone; normally the app is just used to put people to sleep.

3.   At the Cheyenne Mountain Resort in Colorado Springs, a 73 year old woman drove into the swimming pool in her car.   ***  Witnesses said they were just thankful she didn’t go into the pool in her bikini.

4.   Police in Merida, Mexico accused three Playboy bunnies of working without visas, then arrested them and put them in a holding cell.  ***  The cops then took turns going into the cell and holding them.

5.   This weekend New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and his family had sole use of a beach he had closed due to the state’s financial crisis.  ***   Of course, that was a unique situation--Usually he just keeps the crowds away by shutting down lanes on the highway.

6.   Kelly Osborne says she peed her pants in the Gay Pride parade in NYC because the Starbucks she went to didn’t have a restroom.  ***  In an effort to improve service, customers in that situation will now be given an empty cup with their name written on it.

7.   On this date in history:  Jul 7, 1987 – Kiwanis Clubs end their men-only tradition and vote to admit women.  ***  However, the women all quit in disgust after learning the meaning of the word “kiwanis.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jul 6, 1535 – In England, Sir Thomas More is executed for treason.  ***  First they almost executed a Mr. Less; someone apparently heard that Less is More. 

9.   On this date in history:  Jul 5, 1981 – Rajan Mahadevan recites 31,811 digits of pi from memory.  ***  And then forgot to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home. 

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 3, 1984 – A Dolphin rocket is launched off San Clemente Island.  ***  And boy, was that fish terrified.

Friday, June 30, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 30, 2017

1.   A woman is suing Johnny Utah’s bar in Manhattan for allowing her to ride a mechanical bull while she was drunk.  ***  Actually, the amazing thing is that she filed the lawsuit while she was sober.

2.   Actress Mayim Bialik, who plays Amy on “Big Bang Theory,” cannot talk for one month because she sprained her vocal chords.  ***  So, for the next few episodes Amy will respond to all of Sheldon’s snide comments with her middle finger.

3.   For the fourth consecutive time, a pit bull won the election for mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, beating a cat, a chicken, a donkey and a little boy.  ***   How sad--even that little town had a better slate of candidates than the last presidential election.

4.   At the state capitol in Little Rock, Arkansas, a man drove his car into a newly erected granite slab with the Ten Commandments and shattered it.  ***  Because of budget constraints, state officials decided to leave the pieces where they fell and just erect a sign saying “Moses slipped.”

5.   At a Six Flags amusement park in New York, a 14-year old girl slipped out of an aerial ride and was caught by a group of people 25 feet below.  ***  It was so scary that hundreds of kids immediately ran to get in line.

6.   According to a recent study by the Employee Benefit Research Institute, more than 10% of retirees are "not at all satisfied" with retirement.  ***  Actually, they weren’t satisfied with working, either, but at least then they had someone to complain to.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 30, 1975 - Just four days after divorcing Sonny Bono, Cher marries Gregg Allman.   ***  Sonny immediately records his new song, “I Lost You, Babe.”

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 29, 1916 – A Boeing aircraft flies for the first time.   ***   Unfortunately, it was the fifth attempt.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 27, 1986 – The U.S. informs New Zealand that it will not defend that country against attack.   ***  You know, it was the beginning of summer, baseball season was underway, the big Fourth of July holiday was coming up, etc., etc.

10.  On this date in history:  Jun 26, 1797Charles Newbold patents the cast iron plow.  ***  And the horses all thought, “Really? You couldn’t come up with something a little lighter?” 

Friday, June 23, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 23, 2017

1.   Police in Puyallup, Washington arrested three teenagers who complained that their drive-thru order was shorted and then pulled a gun on employees at Jack-in-the-Box.  *** Company officials said they were relieved that no one was hurt, and they now plan to upgrade all their restaurants to Jack-in-the-Bulletproof-Box.

2.   A European company is now marketing “Coco Loco,” a powdered chocolate that can be snorted.  ***  It’s not addictive, but your nose gets fat.

3.   A federal judge in Detroit has approved a $6.5 million settlement for exotic dancers at the Déjà Vu strip clubs.  ***  He also ruled that the money must be paid in $5 bills and stuck in their G-strings.

4.   Bob Barker, the former host of “The Price is Right,” was hospitalized after falling and hitting his head. ***  He’s feeling better now, but he’s tired of all the doctors making him guess how much his treatment is going to cost.

5.   In New York City, the Saks Fifth Avenue store now has an entire floor dedicated to workout gear, yoga mats and exercise programs.  ***  It’s part of their new plan to offer clothes in just one size and make the customers fit.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 23, 1972 – President Nixon and H.R. Haldeman agree to use the CIA to cover up the Watergate break-in.   ***   That was clearly an abuse of power—presidents are only supposed to use the CIA to cover up their affairs.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1990Florida passes a law that prohibits women from wearing a thong bathing suit.   ***    If they’re on Social Security.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1913 – Tiny Broadwick becomes the first woman to parachute from an airplane.  ***   It was a successful jump, unlike the later attempt by her older sister, Big Bertha Broadwick.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1939 – A rocket plane makes its first test flight using liquid propellants.   ***  It was flown by a test pilot using liquid courage.

10.  On this date in history:  June 19, 1952"I've Got a Secret" debuts on CBS with Garry Moore as host.  ***   They later came out with a similar show for kids: “I Know Something You Don’t Know – Nyaa, Nyaa, Nyaa.”  

Friday, June 16, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 16, 2017

1.   Fugitive polygamist Lyle Jeffs was arrested by FBI agents who found him living alone in his truck after his 8 wives and 60 children left him.  ***  I guess he should have had a bigger truck.

2.   Many United Airlines customers are unhappy with the restrictions of the new budget fare, “Basic Economy,” such as a limited carry-on, no seat changes and being the last to board…   ***  …so the other passengers and crew can point at them and laugh.

3.   A Virginia Beach high school student who participated in a big toilet papering prank was barred from graduation ceremonies and will receive his diploma in the mail.  ***  But the school principal promised him it would be a very special diploma: 2-ply, perforated and pulled off a roll.

4.   A woman in Grand Rapids was kicked out of a shopping mall because she was wearing a tank top.   ***    Geesh, and at Wal-Mart you’re kicked out if you aren’t.

5.   Little-known Aldi plans to invest $3.4 billion to become the third largest grocery chain in the country by building new stores and updating existing ones.   ***    Unfortunately, a company spokesman confirmed that $3.4 billion won’t be enough to fix all the grocery carts with one wheel that goes “Clunk… clunk… clunk… clunk…”       

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 16, 1961 – Soviet ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev defects to the West in Paris.  ***  It was tough for him to avoid detection, being the only guy running down the Champs d’Elysees in tights.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1951 – The first commercial electronic computer is dedicated in Philadelphia.  ***   People were amazed by the powerful new technology and spent the rest of the day playing solitaire. 

8.   On this date in history:  June 14, 1954 President Eisenhower signs an executive order adding the words "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance.  ***   Cautious White House lawyers, however, were reluctant to approve the change without first getting God’s permission.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1927  – Charles A. Lindbergh is welcomed to New York City with a ticker-tape parade. ***  The only people not celebrating were the street sweepers.

10.  On this date in history:  June 12, 1967Israel wins what became known as “The Six Day War.”  ***   That was very impressive—it was originally scheduled to go nine.

Friday, June 9, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 9, 2017

1.   A study by researchers at Michigan State University found that family and friendships are very important to achieving happiness in life.  ***   In fact, the study said those relationships are almost as important as winning football games.  

2.   After a 30 year study, researchers at the University of Oxford and University College London have concluded that the brain can suffer long term impairment from moderate drinking.  ***  And that’s why I never stop at “moderate.”

3.   Police outside the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris shot and wounded a man after he attacked them with a hammer.  ***  In order to prevent incidents like that in the United States, President Trump has expanded his proposed travel ban to include countries that have a lot of carpenters.

4.   According to a study published in “Food and Chemical Toxicology,” it’s not safe to have more than four cups of caffeinated coffee each day.  ***   Researchers conducted the study by sneaking up on various coffee drinkers and yelling “Boo!”

5.   Charlie Sheen took his latest girlfriend, Jules, to his 12 year-old daughter’s birthday party.  ***  Ah, kids grow up so fast. It’s hard to believe that in just a few short years Charlie’s daughter will be older than most of his girls he dates.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 9, 1931 – The first Donald Duck cartoon is shown.  *** Thank goodness Mickey Mouse was more popular—otherwise TV would be showing “The Donald Duck Club,” with kids wearing fake bills over their mouths.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 8, 1917 – Walt Disney graduates from high school.   ***   However, for the commencement ceremony they made him finally take off those silly mouse ears.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 7, 1769 – Daniel Boone begins exploring Kentucky.  ***  However, he reportedly never made it past the first bourbon distillery.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 6, 1882 – The electric iron is patented by Henry W. Seely.  ***  Unfortunately, that’s not what Mrs. Seely had in mind when she asked Henry to help with the ironing.

10.  On this date in history:  June 5, 1855The Know-Nothing political party holds its first convention *** Unfortunately, it was poorly attended because no one knew where or when it was.