Friday, June 23, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 23, 2017

1.   Police in Puyallup, Washington arrested three teenagers who complained that their drive-thru order was shorted and then pulled a gun on employees at Jack-in-the-Box.  *** Company officials said they were relieved that no one was hurt, and they now plan to upgrade all their restaurants to Jack-in-the-Bulletproof-Box.

2.   A European company is now marketing “Coco Loco,” a powdered chocolate that can be snorted.  ***  It’s not addictive, but your nose gets fat.

3.   A federal judge in Detroit has approved a $6.5 million settlement for exotic dancers at the Déjà Vu strip clubs.  ***  He also ruled that the money must be paid in $5 bills and stuck in their G-strings.

4.   Bob Barker, the former host of “The Price is Right,” was hospitalized after falling and hitting his head. ***  He’s feeling better now, but he’s tired of all the doctors making him guess how much his treatment is going to cost.

5.   In New York City, the Saks Fifth Avenue store now has an entire floor dedicated to workout gear, yoga mats and exercise programs.  ***  It’s part of their new plan to offer clothes in just one size and make the customers fit.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 23, 1972 – President Nixon and H.R. Haldeman agree to use the CIA to cover up the Watergate break-in.   ***   That was clearly an abuse of power—presidents are only supposed to use the CIA to cover up their affairs.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 22, 1990Florida passes a law that prohibits women from wearing a thong bathing suit.   ***    If they’re on Social Security.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 21, 1913 – Tiny Broadwick becomes the first woman to parachute from an airplane.  ***   It was a successful jump, unlike the later attempt by her older sister, Big Bertha Broadwick.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 20, 1939 – A rocket plane makes its first test flight using liquid propellants.   ***  It was flown by a test pilot using liquid courage.

10.  On this date in history:  June 19, 1952"I've Got a Secret" debuts on CBS with Garry Moore as host.  ***   They later came out with a similar show for kids: “I Know Something You Don’t Know – Nyaa, Nyaa, Nyaa.”  

Friday, June 16, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 16, 2017

1.   Fugitive polygamist Lyle Jeffs was arrested by FBI agents who found him living alone in his truck after his 8 wives and 60 children left him.  ***  I guess he should have had a bigger truck.

2.   Many United Airlines customers are unhappy with the restrictions of the new budget fare, “Basic Economy,” such as a limited carry-on, no seat changes and being the last to board…   ***  …so the other passengers and crew can point at them and laugh.

3.   A Virginia Beach high school student who participated in a big toilet papering prank was barred from graduation ceremonies and will receive his diploma in the mail.  ***  But the school principal promised him it would be a very special diploma: 2-ply, perforated and pulled off a roll.

4.   A woman in Grand Rapids was kicked out of a shopping mall because she was wearing a tank top.   ***    Geesh, and at Wal-Mart you’re kicked out if you aren’t.

5.   Little-known Aldi plans to invest $3.4 billion to become the third largest grocery chain in the country by building new stores and updating existing ones.   ***    Unfortunately, a company spokesman confirmed that $3.4 billion won’t be enough to fix all the grocery carts with one wheel that goes “Clunk… clunk… clunk… clunk…”       

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 16, 1961 – Soviet ballet dancer Rudolf Nureyev defects to the West in Paris.  ***  It was tough for him to avoid detection, being the only guy running down the Champs d’Elysees in tights.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 15, 1951 – The first commercial electronic computer is dedicated in Philadelphia.  ***   People were amazed by the powerful new technology and spent the rest of the day playing solitaire. 

8.   On this date in history:  June 14, 1954 President Eisenhower signs an executive order adding the words "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance.  ***   Cautious White House lawyers, however, were reluctant to approve the change without first getting God’s permission.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 13, 1927  – Charles A. Lindbergh is welcomed to New York City with a ticker-tape parade. ***  The only people not celebrating were the street sweepers.

10.  On this date in history:  June 12, 1967Israel wins what became known as “The Six Day War.”  ***   That was very impressive—it was originally scheduled to go nine.

Friday, June 9, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 9, 2017

1.   A study by researchers at Michigan State University found that family and friendships are very important to achieving happiness in life.  ***   In fact, the study said those relationships are almost as important as winning football games.  

2.   After a 30 year study, researchers at the University of Oxford and University College London have concluded that the brain can suffer long term impairment from moderate drinking.  ***  And that’s why I never stop at “moderate.”

3.   Police outside the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris shot and wounded a man after he attacked them with a hammer.  ***  In order to prevent incidents like that in the United States, President Trump has expanded his proposed travel ban to include countries that have a lot of carpenters.

4.   According to a study published in “Food and Chemical Toxicology,” it’s not safe to have more than four cups of caffeinated coffee each day.  ***   Researchers conducted the study by sneaking up on various coffee drinkers and yelling “Boo!”

5.   Charlie Sheen took his latest girlfriend, Jules, to his 12 year-old daughter’s birthday party.  ***  Ah, kids grow up so fast. It’s hard to believe that in just a few short years Charlie’s daughter will be older than most of his girls he dates.

6.   On this date in history:  Jun 9, 1931 – The first Donald Duck cartoon is shown.  *** Thank goodness Mickey Mouse was more popular—otherwise TV would be showing “The Donald Duck Club,” with kids wearing fake bills over their mouths.

7.   On this date in history:  Jun 8, 1917 – Walt Disney graduates from high school.   ***   However, for the commencement ceremony they made him finally take off those silly mouse ears.

8.   On this date in history:  Jun 7, 1769 – Daniel Boone begins exploring Kentucky.  ***  However, he reportedly never made it past the first bourbon distillery.

9.   On this date in history:  Jun 6, 1882 – The electric iron is patented by Henry W. Seely.  ***  Unfortunately, that’s not what Mrs. Seely had in mind when she asked Henry to help with the ironing.

10.  On this date in history:  June 5, 1855The Know-Nothing political party holds its first convention *** Unfortunately, it was poorly attended because no one knew where or when it was.

Friday, June 2, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Jun 2, 2017

1.   Angelina Jolie has just paid $25 million for the mansion originally owned by Cecil B. DeMille.  ***   It was expensive, but it has everything she was looking for in a house--6 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms and no Brad.

2.   Megan Kelly announced that she’ll be filming a one-on-one interview with Vladimir Putin later today.  ***  He only agreed to it after finding out her back-up plan was to use that guy from Saturday Night Live.

3.   Uber has fired Anthony Levandowski, the executive in charge of developing a self-driving car.   ***   Then, in a snarky sendoff, they said he should be able to find his own way out.

4.   In talking about the difficulties she has faced in life, especially her affair with Prince Charles, Camilla told an interviewer that to survive “You have to laugh at yourself.”  ***  Sure, that’s easy for her to say.

5.   Lindsay Lohan revealed that she wants to play Ariel in a live remake of “The Little Mermaid.”   ***   She said it’s the ideal role for a woman who drinks like a fish.

6.   The NFL has eased the restrictions on touchdown celebrations, saying that going to ground, making snow angels and using the ball as a prop are now allowed.  ***  Players say they appreciate the change, but are concerned that they only have a few months to choreograph and practice their new moves.

7.   On this date in history:  June 2, 1851The first alcohol prohibition law in the U.S. is enacted in Maine.   ***   However, officials were disappointed to find that after everyone there sobered up they still talked funny. 

8.   On this date in history:  June 1, 1813Captain John Lawrence first utters the Navy motto, "Don't give up the ship!..."  ***  “…It was paid for with your tax dollars!”

9.   On this date in history:  May 31, 1870E. J. DeSemdt patents asphalt pavement.   ***   Inventing the basic blacktop was easy; the hard part was getting all those potholes to suddenly appear.

10.  On this date in history:  May 30, 197136 people are hospitalized during a Grateful Dead concert after drinking apple juice spiked with LSD.  ***  Considering the widespread drug use at those concerts without any issues, authorities concluded it must have been a bad batch of apple juice.

Friday, May 26, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, May 26, 2017

1.   Utility crews in Palm Springs, Florida are examining a 4-foot wide sink hole that suddenly appeared in front of Mar-a-Lago.   ***   Apparently God just wanted to start with a little test spot.

2.   Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell, the couple from the 2015 season of “The Bachelor,” announced that they’re breaking up.  ***  After living together for a year, they finally realized they’re only compatible if they pause every 15 minutes for a commercial.

3.   At the Newark airport, a reported engine fire on a United Airlines flight preparing for take-off had passengers scrambling for the exits and jumping down the emergency slides.  ***   Well, it looks like United finally found a quick and easy way to deplane its overbooked passengers.

4.   Nicki Minaj surprised the Ellen DeGeneres audience by announcing that she plans to remain celibate for the next year.  ***   Or possibly a little less, depending on how soon the rash clears up.

5.   In an interview on CBS, Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele, said that last season the quarterback suffered a concussion.  ***  Patriots fans were stunned—at first they all thought she said “confession.”

6.   On this date in history:  May 26, 1930 – The Supreme Court rules that buying liquor is not in violation the Constitution.  ***  But most of the things you do after drinking it probably are.

7.   On this date in history:  May 25, 1922 – Babe Ruth is suspended for one day and fined $200 for throwing dirt on an umpire.  ***  That’s what happens when you throw dirt—if you’re a baseball player, you get fined; if you’re a politician, you get elected.

8.   On this date in history:  May 24, 1954 – IBM announces development of an "electronic brain” that could perform 10 million mathematical operations per hour.  ***  However, they didn’t actually say if the answers were correct.

9.   On this date in history:  May 23, 1903The first automobile trip across the U.S. from San Francisco to New York begins, and will take 8 days.  ***   To put it another way, that’s over 200 are-we-there-yets.

10.  On this date in history:  May 22, 1954Robert Zimmerman (a.k.a. Bob Dylan) has his Bar Mitzvah.  ***   It went very well--his English was so garbled everyone assumed he was speaking a rare form of Hebrew.

Friday, May 19, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, May 19, 2017

1.   Roger Ailes, the Fox CEO who was fired amid accusations of sexual harassment, has died at the age of 77.  ***  Former co-workers say he’ll be remembered fondle-y.

2.   Japanese lawmakers are drafting legislation that would allow 83 year old Emperor Akihito to step down after he indicated his advanced age is a hindrance to carrying out his official duties.  ***  He says he tires easily, sometimes gets confused and often has trouble remembering who won that last big war.

3.   With its stockpile of nuclear weapons and its relative proximity to North Korea, legislators in Seattle want to overturn a law that actually prohibits planning for a nuclear threat.  ***   In regards to seeking shelter during a nuclear attack, the lawmakers pointed out, “Hey, we can’t all rush to a Starbucks.”

4.   Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle says she is being considered for replacing Sean Spicer as White House press secretary.  ***   The remaining steps are additional interviews with President Trump, a thorough background check, and finding someone to play her on Saturday Night Live.

5.   After many years of feuding and estrangement, Elton John announced that he and his mother have reconciled, and he will “let bygones be bygones.” ***  In return, she has agreed to always call him “Rocket Man.”  

6.   On this date in history:  May 19, 1941 – German occupiers in Holland forbid bicycle taxis.  ***  Gee, just because of that one unfortunate incident involving a windmill…

7.   On this date in history:  May 18, 1804 – Napoleon Bonaparte is proclaimed Emperor of France.  ***  His first official act was to order the guillotine for anyone who didn’t agree that it was the biggest proclamation crowd ever.

8.   On this date in history:  May 17, 1620 – A merry-go-round first appears at a fair (in Turkey).   ***   Previously, fairgoers just ran by the brass ring dispenser and tried to grab one.

9.   On this date in history:  May 16, 1986 – Bobby Ewing (Patrick Duffy) comes back from dead on “Dallas.”  ***  That was the episode where we learned that all the bad news just a dream.  Kind of like what we’re hoping to hear from CNN.

10.  On this date in history:  May 15, 1800King George III survives a second assassination attempt.   ***  He subsequently changed his name to King Lucky II.

Friday, May 12, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, May 12, 2017

1.   A United Airlines flight attendant told a passenger who had to use the restroom to stay seated and pee in a cup because the plane was landing.  ***   In the wake of this PR debacle, United is now reviewing options for future flights: a) Make sure there’s a really big supply of cups, or b) Carry enough fuel to circle the airport until everyone visits the restroom, or c) Stop serving coffee to old people.

2.   It’s been revealed that in 2011 the wife of former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly caught him half naked, having phone sex.  ***  He was paying $3 a minute to have a sexy woman whisper naughty things like “liberal,” “universal health care” and “gun control.”

3.   Former president Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a mystery novel, “The President is Missing.”  ***   In the first five chapters, the Secret Service searches for the president at the homes of all his mistresses.

4.   The Crayola company announced that it is removing the “Dandelion” crayon from the 24-pack.  ***   I believe the replacement color is “Round-Up.”

5.   Police in Tennessee raided several psychiatric facilities operated by the Church of Scientology and found many patients being held captive in locked cabins, treated with unknown medicines  ***   and forced to watch Tom Cruise movie marathons.

6.   On this date in history:  May 12, 1888The crouching start for a sprint is first used by Charles Sherrill of Yale.   ***   Actually, he was just tying his shoe when the gun went off.

7.   On this date in history:  May 11, 1924 – The Pulitzer Prize is awarded to Robert Frost.  ***  Unfortunately, he was late for the award ceremony because he took the road less traveled.

8.   On this date in history:  May 10, 1503 - Columbus discovers the Cayman Islands.  ***  And immediately opens up an offshore bank account. 

9.   On this date in history:  May 9, 1932 – London’s Piccadilly Circus section is first lighted by electricity.  ***   Surprisingly, despite the bright lights, people still couldn’t see any clowns.   

10.  On this date in history:  May 8, 1952 – Mad Magazine debuts.  ***   It was later found to be a political front for promoting presidential candidate Alfred E. Neuman.  

Friday, May 5, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, May 5, 2017

1.   NASA researchers have concluded that one of Saturn’s moons, Enceladus, has all the necessary factors for sustained life.  ***   But they’re not sure that Earth does.

2.   Some airlines are planning to reduce legroom by as much as 2 inches.  ***   Now United will have to use excessive force to get passengers into their seats.

3.   After Donald Trump’s surprising comments regarding the Civil War, Dan Rather compared the president to “a gradeschooler.”   ***   Mr. Trump strongly rejected that criticism, but he did agree to stop signing executive orders with a crayon.    

4.   This week Mexican authorities arrested notorious drug kingpin Damaso Lopez, a.k.a. “The Graduate.”   ***  They also arrested a Mrs. Robinson (and told Mr. Lopez he should have gone into plastics).

5.   On the Ellen DeGeneres Show, Kim Kardashian said the Paris robbery had a profound impact and made her less materialistic.  ***  But, with the help of her family, she was able to stay strong until the feeling passed.

6.   On this date in history:  May 5, 1847 – The American Medical Association is established in Philadelphia.  ***  With the rapidly growing healthcare business, an organization was needed to help doctors coordinate their tee times. 

7.   On this date in history:  May 4, 1814  – The Bourbon reign is restored in France.  ***  I’m not sure what that was all about, but the concept of “Bourbon rain” sure sounds good.  (Now, that would be my kind of “singin’ in the rain.”)

8.   On this date in history:  May 3, 1997 – Garry Kasparov begins a chess match with IBM supercomputer Deep Blue.  ***   To make things fair, Mr. Kasparov was not allowed to go to the restroom, and Deep Blue could not call the help desk.

9.   On this date in history:  May 2, 1876 – Ross Barnes hits the first home run in the National League.  ***  For a brief time he holds the record for most home runs, longest home run, shortest home run… 

10.  On this date in history:  May 1, 1751 – The first cricket match is played in America.   ***    I believe that was also the last cricket match ever played in America.  

Friday, April 28, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 28, 2017

1.   According to New York dermatologist Francesca Fusco, sleeping with your hair in a bun can lead to hair loss.  ***   Also, it leaves a lot of crumbs in your bed.

2.   North Korea has released a propaganda video that shows the White House in cross-hairs, then coming under attack.   ***   Of course, that’s all bluster. If they were really serious, the target would have been Mar-a-Lago.

3.   Nordstrom’s is selling jeans with fake mud for $425.   ***   Wow—I can’t imagine what the price would be if they had real mud.

4.   In an amazing discovery, two Harvard researchers have found a second parchment copy of the Declaration of Independence in a records office in England.  ***   They say it was stored in a file cabinet, right next to the second set of stone tablets with the Ten Commandments.

5.   An article on lists the six dirtiest items in a hotel room.  ***  Number one dirtiest item:  The pay-per-view TV movies.

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 28, 1958 – Great Britain performs an atmospheric nuclear test at Christmas Island.   ***  Or what is now known as the spot in the ocean previously occupied by Christmas Island.

7.   On this date in history:  April 27, 1861 – West Virginia secedes from Virginia.   ***  Yes, Virginia, there is a Secession Clause.

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 26, 1986 – Arnold Schwarzenegger weds newscaster Maria Shriver  ***  Ms. Shriver loved Arnold’s marriage vows, especially the part where he promised to hire a maid.

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 25, 1719Daniel Defoe publishes "Robinson Crusoe," the tale of a man stranded on a tropical island.  ***  I believe his was the version without the soccer ball.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 24, 1969Paul McCartney says there is no truth to the rumors that he is dead.  ***  He said he checked the obituaries just to make sure.

Friday, April 21, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 21, 2017

1.   A study in the journal “Immunity” indicates that chemicals found in frogs can prevent humans from getting the flu.  ***  So, you can avoid all those nasty flu symptoms, but you’ll tend to hop around a lot and eat flies.

2.   According to a recent study, diet sodas can increase the risk of dementia.  ***   They’re like a miracle drink--not only do they help you get skinny, but they’ll also make you forget that you were ever fat.

3.   Amid increasing threats from North Korea, Vice President Mike Pence visited Tokyo and assured the Japanese people, “We are with you 100%.”    ***   “Or at least 70 to 80% if it’s a long holiday weekend at Mar-a-Lago.”

4.   In her upcoming memoirs, Caitlyn Jenner discloses that she has undergone gender re-assignment surgery.   ***  The former decathlon athlete doesn’t give complete details but says she can now clear 6 more inches in the pole vault.

5.   North Korea’s “Day of the Sun” parade this past weekend included an impressive display of ICBM missiles with an obvious intent to intimidate the U.S.  ***   That’s OK—In our next Fourth of July parade they’ll see that we’re fully prepared to respond to any military threat with a vast army of Shriners driving miniature cars.

6.   On this date in history:  April 21, 1913 – Gideon Sundback of Sweden patents the zipper to replace buttons.  ***  He invented it out of desperation while suffering from a weak bladder. 

7.   On this date in history:  April 20, 1944 – The NFL legalizes coaching from the bench.   ***  However, the league continued to ban Monday morning quarterbacking.

8.   On this date in history:  April 19, 1775 – The Revolutionary War begins in Lexington Common with the “shot heard round the world."  ***  According to news reports at the time, authorities didn’t know who started the fight but are looking for “a guy with a really loud gun.”

9.   On this date in history:  Apr 18, 1994  Roseanne Barr files for divorce from Tom Arnold.  ***  Apparently, Mr. Arnold failed his Barr exam.

10.  On this date in history:  April 17, 1937Cartoon characters Daffy Duck, Elmer J Fudd and Petunia Pig make their debut.  ***   They were the strangest characters ever introduced to the public in a non-election year. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Apr 14, 2017

1.   A study by Rice University says that lonely people tend to have more severe cold symptoms.  ***   What a shame—not only do they feel worse, but they don’t have anyone to complain to.

2.   A high school student in Alabama is not being allowed to take his beloved grandmother to the senior prom because of the school’s concerns over alcohol and safety issues.   ***  And because it’s been almost a month since she died.

3.   MTV announced it is reviving the reality show “Fear Factor,” in which contestants face scary challenges such as eating sheep eyes, crawling through a nest of tarantulas   ***   or being overbooked on a United flight.

4.   On an episode of the “Today” show, Jenna Bush Hager inadvertently mentioned that her grandmother, former first lady Barbara Bush, is missing a toe on each foot.   ***   She said the family became aware of the condition when Mrs. Bush had difficulty counting to 20.

5.   Chick-fil-A announced that it is teaching people at all its restaurants to say “please” and “thank you.”  ***  And as soon as the customers are all trained they’ll start on the employees.

6.   On this date in history:  Apr 14, 1912The Titanic strikes an iceberg off the coast of Nova Scotia and begins sinking.  ***   On the positive side, the buffet line suddenly got shorter.

7.   On this date in history:  Apr 13, 1940In the second battle of Narvik, eight German destroyers are destroyed.   ***  Wouldn’t that make them “destroyees”?

8.   On this date in history:  Apr 12, 1877A baseball catcher wore a mask for the first time.  ***  It wasn’t for protection—he was just playing poorly.

9.   On this date in history:  April 11, 1900 – The U.S. Navy's first submarine makes its debut.  ***  It was fairly low-tech—when it submerged, all the crewmen had to hold their breath.

10.  On this date in history:  Apr 10, 1924Tubular steel golf club shafts are approved for championship play.  ***   The steel shafts give increased distance, improved ball control and a more satisfying feel when you wrap them around a tree.