Friday, October 20, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 20, 2017

1.   Researchers have found that the Big Thunder roller coaster at Disney World is so jarring it can help men pass kidney stones.  ***  And it’s so scary it makes all the other riders sound like it.

2.   In an interview with GQ magazine, LeBron James revealed that he told his three children if they are ever stopped by the police they should always be respectful, put their cell phones on speaker…  *** … and offer the cops a couple of front-row tickets to the next Cavs game.

3.   Boy Scouts of America plans to begin recruiting girls into some of its scouting programs.   ***   The men in charge claim they understand the unique needs of girls and will offer special programs such as Hiking in Heels, Cosmetics for Camping and Fashions for the Forest.

4.   Arnold Schwarzenegger was recently spotted taking his girlfriend, Heather Milligan, out for ice cream.  ***  Actually, Heather doesn’t really like ice cream, but she just loves the way Arnold says “Haagan-Dazs.”

5.   Sadly, the California wildfires have destroyed the home of “Peanuts” creator Charles Schultz.  ***  The house was identified by the only visible remains--a blanket, a football and a sign offering psychiatric advice for a nickel.

6.   On this date in history:  Oct 20, 1910 – The cork-centered baseball is first used in the World Series.   ***   The cork-center design became the new standard for baseballs, although it never caught on with the NBA.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 19, 1971 – "Look" magazine publishes its last issue.  ***  Apparently, people had stopped looking.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 18, 1890 – John Owen is the first man to run the 100 yard dash in under 10 seconds. ***  It happened when he was caught in bed by a jealous husband.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 17, 1957 – Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip visit the White House.  ***  When they asked to see the throne they were told, “Down the hall, on your left.”


10.  On this date in history:  Oct 16, 1925 – The Texas School Board prohibits teaching of evolution.  ***  There was widespread fear that such instruction would only encourage the human race to evolve further.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 13, 2017

1.   Kellogg’s has just bought RXBAR, a company that makes protein bars, in an effort to expand into health foods and capture the millennial market.  *** In fact, protein bars are an especially good food choice for Millennials whose parents don’t have a refrigerator in the basement.

2.   Scientists are warning that climate change may be promoting the growth of red algae in colder climates, eventually making all the glaciers pink.  ***   To take advantage of this unique opportunity, Mary Kay is planning to sponsor the next Ice Age.

3.   Kim Jung Un has appointed his 30 year old sister, Kim Yo Jong, to a high level position in the North Korean government.  ***  Political experts were shocked--usually when young women get powerful positions in government they have a lot of relevant credentials, like a successful fashion business.

4.   According to a recent online article, heavy sweating could be a sign of a serious problem.  ***  For example, if you’re a millennial, it could be an indication that you somehow ended up with a job that involves working.

5.   Jeremy Meeks, the blue-eyed guy with the eye-catching mug shot, has filed for divorce.  ***  He started reading the bible, and decided he doesn’t want to share things when he inherits the earth.

6.   Yesterday, British authorities arrested a woman who was trying to scale the gate at Buckingham Palace.  ***   A police spokesman said they hadn’t seen anything like that since the last clearance sale at Harrods.

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 12, 1933 – A sentence of life imprisonment is handed down to gangster George Francis Barnes, a.k.a. Machine Gun Kelly.  ***   Actually, his life of crime started in grade school, where he was known as BB-Gun Kelly.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 11, 1991 – Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart is seen soliciting a prostitute.  ***  After intense negotiations, she agreed to provide an entire night of services in exchange for eternal salvation.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 10, 1865 – John Hyatt patents the modern billiard ball.  *** Ah, so he’s the guy who was behind the 8 ball.


10.  On this date in history:  Oct 9, 1973 – Elvis and Priscilla Presley divorce.  ***  Fortunately, by that time Elvis was on the rewards program at Heartbreak Hotel.

Friday, October 6, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 6, 2017

1.   Archeologists in Turkey believe they have found the tomb of St. Nicholas, the 4th century monk who inspired the legend of Santa Claus.  ***   They haven’t actually made a positive identification yet, but they say the tomb definitely includes the remains of at least a dozen small elves.

2.   The 69 year old mother of Tesla’s Elon Musk has just become the oldest “face” of Cover Girl cosmetics and publications.  ***   “Hey Mr. Mailman, my magazine cover is all wrink…oh…never mind.” 

3.   Arnold Schwarzenegger posted a photo of his “love child,” Joseph Baena, on Instagram and wished him a happy 20th birthday, along with the comment, “You get stronger and smarter every year and I’m so proud of you.”  ***  Then he added, “But I wish you’d get over that compulsion to always dust the furniture.”

4.   Three U.S. scientists have won the Nobel Prize for Medicine for their research and insights into our body’s “biological clock.”   ***   Upon hearing the news they were very grateful and said the award would be most appreciated if it could be given to them between 2:45 and 3:00 in the afternoon.    

5.   The leader of the violent MS-13 gang told members to stop wearing their trademark Nike Cortez shoes because it identifies them to the police.  ***  And because Nike is dragging its feet on negotiating the new contract.

6.   On this date in history:  Oct 6, 1961 – President Kennedy advises all Americans to build a fallout shelter and stock it with food.  *** He also suggested guys add a beer fridge and a big TV to make it a really cool man cave.   

7.   On this date in history:  Oct 5, 1911 – Italian troops begin the occupation of Tripoli.  ***  The U.S. Marines were a little late in joining them, since they were still tied up at the Halls of Montezuma.

8.   On this date in history:  Oct 4, 1537 – The first complete English-language Bible (the Matthew Bible) is printed, with translations by William Tyndale and Miles Coverdale.   ***  However, Bill and Miles took a few liberties with their translation and trimmed it down to only 5 commandments.

9.   On this date in history:  Oct 3, 1945 – Elvis Presley performs in public for the first time at the age of 10.   ***  He didn’t sing—he just stood on the stage and swiveled his hips.


10.  On this date in history:  Oct 2, 1656 – The North American colony of Connecticut passes laws against the Quakers.  ***  But they were allowed to continue selling their oats.

Friday, September 29, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 29, 2017

1.   It was just reported that Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, is registered to vote in New York State as a woman.  ***   You know, it must be tough in the voting booth when you want to vote one way but your inner woman wants to vote the other way—and she’s registered.

2.   It’s been reported that Tiffany Trump got her name from Donald Trump’s favorite business deal, when he bought the rights to build the Trump Tower above the Tiffany store.  ***  I guess she’s lucky he didn’t build it above Hooters.

3.   It’s been reported that Kim, Khloe and Kylie are all pregnant.  ***   Tune in for their new reality show, “Knocking Up with the Kardashians.” 

4.   Honda plans to hire 300 additional workers at its Ohio plant for production of the 2018 Accord.  ***   In fact, President Trump just sent them a hand-picked list of NFL players who might be available.

5.   Taco Bell announced that 300 new locations will offer alcoholic beverages but will not have drive-thrus.  ***   Is that a good idea?  If your customers are going to be pounding down beers and burritos, do you really want them sitting indoors?

6.   On this date in history:  Sept 29, 1946 – "Adventures of Sam Spade" debuts on CBS Radio.  ***  Humphrey Bogart later starred in the movie version, “Sham Shpade.”

7.   On this date in history:  Sept 28, 1850 – The U.S. Navy abolishes flogging as punishment.  ***  Today, for really serious infractions, they give the sailors quiet time and take away their cell phones.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 27, 1881 – The Chicago Cubs beat Troy 10-8 in front of only 12 attendees.  ***  You know it’s a small crowd when the announcer introduces each of the people in the stands.

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 26, 1772 – New Jersey passes a bill requiring a license to practice medicine.  ***  Unless the patient is just on the Bronze Plan.


10.  On this date in history:  Sept 25, 1775 – American Revolutionary War hero Ethan Allen is captured.  ***  Immediately upon release he opens a chain of furniture stores.

Friday, September 22, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 22, 2917

1.   Ivanka Trump told Dr. Oz about her struggles with postpartum depression. ***  It’s that sad feeling of loss she gets whenever she discontinues one of her fashions after it goes out of style.

2.   Hillary Clinton says she relaxes through the ancient practice of “alternate nostril breathing.”   ***   Experts say the technique can be especially helpful for people who talk out of alternate sides of their mouth.

3.   When an Ohio man dressed up as a clown to scare his daughter into behaving, a neighbor thought he was terrorizing the girl and shot at him.   ***  The bullet missed the guy, but it’s nice to know that he would have died with a smile on his face.

4.   Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy. ***  The situation is so serious that even the Tickle Me Elmo dolls aren’t laughing.

5.   The Detroit Tigers’ home field, Comerica Park, ejected a bachelor party of 45 men dressed as “Magnum P.I.” look-alikes because of their rude behavior.  ***  And because there just wasn’t parking space for 45 Ferraris.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 22, 1920 – Chicago grand jury convenes to investigate charges that 8 White Sox players conspired to throw the 1919 World Series in exchange for money from a gambling syndicate.   ***  Since then, the White Sox have cleaned up their act and now they lose for no reason whatsoever.  

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 21, 2007 – George Clooney is injured in a motorcycle accident in Weehawken, New Jersey.  ***   He was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital, where he was tended to by 143 nurses.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 20, 1972 – Police find cannabis growing on Paul and Linda McCartney's farm.  ***  The news was a shock to the rock ‘n roll community; people had no idea that Paul and Linda had a farm.

9.   On this date in history:  Sept 19, 1957 – The first underground nuclear bomb test takes place in Las Vegas. ***  Scientists figured that would be the best way to avoid the spread of radiation—not because it was underground, but because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.


10.  On this date in history:  Sep 18, 1957 – "Wagon Train" premieres on TV.  ***   Actually, many viewers are more familiar with the spinoff show, “Soul Train.”

Friday, September 15, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 15, 2017

1.   Motel 6 says it will no longer share guest lists with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency.  ***   And Tom Bodett said he won’t leave a light on for them, either.

2.   After a customer at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Dearborn, Michigan complained about his food, the manager reached through the car window and attacked him.  ***  You know it’s a rough neighborhood when McDonald’s offers drive-thru beatings.

3.   According to online advice from mental health experts, there are seven ways to tell if you’re dating a psychopath.  ***   #1:  Their match.com profile has the word “psychopath.”

4.   Amazon is planning to build a second headquarters and one of the possible locations is Detroit.  ***   The operation will focus on a new service, Amazon Crime.

5.   A New York City man was hospitalized after a motorist ran over his foot then came back and shot him twice in the leg.   ***   I believe it’s a new vigilante group enforcing the “Do Not Walk” signals.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 15, 1894 – Japan defeats China in the Battle of Ping Yang.  ***   However, the next day the Chinese were victorious in a Battle of Ping Pong.

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 14, 1938 – Graf Zeppelin II, the world's largest airship, makes its maiden flight.   ***  In keeping with the design theme, it featured inflatable flight attendants.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 13, 1977 – Because of its raunchy content, the soap opera parody “Soap” becomes the first TV show to have a viewer discretion warning. ***  It seems ironic that the dirtiest show on TV was named “Soap.” 

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 12, 1959 – The TV series "Bonanza" premieres.   ***   Viewers loved the theme song, admired Ben Cartwright’s full head of hair and felt sorry for the horse that had to carry Hoss.


10.  On this date in history:  Sep 11, 1609 – Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island.   ***  Duh…just go to Brooklyn and then cross the bridge.

Friday, September 8, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 8, 2017

1.   A woman is suing the state of New York because her husband was fired from his state job, became despondent and lost all interest in sex.   ***   However, a few days later she found a handsome hunk ringing her doorbell, and was suddenly grateful that she had signed up for the little-known Obamacare Platinum Plan.  

2.   Federal investigators say that Tennessee law enforcement organizations illegally used seized criminal money to buy catered food.  ***  This was a clear violation of established guidelines--Tennessee is only allowed to use such funds for the purchase of bourbon.

3.   Sir Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Airlines, announced that he plans to ride out Hurricane Irma in his wine cellar.  ***  I think that’s a really cool idea, especially since he lives in London.

4.   Five nurses at Denver’s Health Medical Center were suspended after they heard about the size of a deceased man’s private parts and opened the body bag to take a look.   ***  You know, it’s pretty impressive when a guy can make a “provocative bulge” on a body bag. (I realize the poor fellow was dead, but I still hope they were careful when they zipped it back up.)

5.   Lego announced it will be terminating 1,400 employees.   ***  Unfortunately, the company received word that the government has rejected its design proposal for the Mexico border wall.  (Too bad--not only would it have been extremely colorful, but the whole thing could have been built by 6 year olds.)

6.   Tesla founder Elon Musk is predicting that competition for leadership in artificial intelligence will lead to World War III.  ***   He said that artificial intelligence will be essential for any country run by politicians.

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 8, 1920 – U.S. Air Mail begins, with service from New York to San Francisco.  ***  That early system wasn’t too efficient—they’d take mailmen with their bags loaded and put them on the plane.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 7, 1981 – “People's Court,” with Judge Wapner, premieres on TV.   ***   Thanks to this unique show, people with trivial problems, pathetic excuses and a whining demeanor can also have the disgrace of losing their case in front of a million viewers.     

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 6, 1628 – Puritans land at Salem, Massachusetts.   ***  Most of them arrived by ship, but apparently a few flew in on brooms.


10.  On this date in history:  Sep 5, 1882 – In New York City, 10,000 workers march in the first Labor Day parade.  ***  Thousands of police were on hand to arrest anyone violating the new fashion rule by still wearing summer white.

Friday, September 1, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 1, 2017

1.   As a result of Amazon’s purchase of Whole Foods, the grocery retailer has begun selling the Amazon Echo.  ***  Actually, it’s a special Whole Foods version, which can be found in the produce section and comes in the shape of a mango.

2.   A Japanese company has configured the humanoid robot "Pepper" to function as a Buddhist priest at funerals by chanting sutras while tapping a drum.  ***  It will also be available for weddings and receptions as soon as they figure out how to program the Chicken Dance.

3.   President Trump has lifted Obama-era restrictions on police, including the ban on the use of surplus military equipment…  ***  …and the daily limit of two donuts.

4.   According to a study by two universities in England, neurotic people tend to live longer.   ***   But thanks to a merciful God, the people who have to listen to them die early.

5.   During the recent renovation at the White House, the carpeting was renewed at a cost of $1.2 million.  ***   That’s a lot of money, but when so many staffers are getting called on the carpet I guess you want it to look good.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 1, 1836 – A wagon train of Presbyterian missionaries reaches the site of what became Walla Walla, Washington.  ***   The journey taught them to follow their dreams, be persistent and never let a two-year old name a city.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1954 – The Census Bureau is established.  ***  Apparently some people felt that a population estimate of “a gazillion” just wasn’t accurate enough.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1979 – President Carter is attacked by a rabbit while on a canoe trip.   ***  Yes, political figures are often harassed by the hop-arazzi.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1967 – The final episode of "The Fugitive" is broadcast.  ***  Millions of viewers feel a little bit guilty for not having any sympathy for the guy with one arm. 


10.  On this date in history:  Aug 28, 1907 – United Parcel Service begins operations (in Seattle).  ***  In one of the earliest examples of establishing brand identity, they only used brown horses.

Friday, August 25, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 25, 2017

1.   In Saudi Arabia, a 14 year old boy was arrested for dancing the Macarena in public while crossing the street.   ***   Officials acknowledged that a lot of adults do that contrived and silly dance, but said a 14 year old should know better.

2.   Starbucks is test marketing a sushi burrito.  ***   It’s not very good, but their plan is to make a killing by selling beverages to wash it down. 

3.   Two members of the Kennedy clan—the son and granddaughter of Robert and Ethyl—were arrested for disorderly conduct after refusing to turn down the music at their party.  ***  At their arraignment they were indignant; they both pleaded not guilty and said there has never been a noise ordinance in Camelot.

4.   During yesterday’s eclipse President Trump made the mistake of looking directly at the sun.  ***  After being surrounded by White House advisors for the past seven months he just wasn’t used to seeing anything that bright.

5.   The city of Stamford, Connecticut may make it illegal to walk and text at the same time.   ***  I bet a lot of kids there will decide to give up walking.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 25, 1916 – The Department of the Interior establishes the National Park Service.   ***  They provide valet parking?

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1853 – In Saratoga, New York, chef George Crum prepares the world’s first potato chips.  ***  He then became extremely wealthy by betting friends that they couldn’t eat just one.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1960 – The world's largest frog (7.2 pounds) is caught.  ***  His weight gain was blamed on the unhealthy influence of a Miss Piggy.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1911 – The Mona Lisa is stolen from the Louvre.   ***   Sounds like somebody just wasn’t satisfied with a Mona Lisa coffee mug from the gift shop.


10.  On this date in history:  Aug 21, 1841 – John Hampson patents the venetian blind.  ***   According to the patent, it kept out the sun and provided privacy while still letting you peek at the neighbors. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 18, 2017

1.   Authorities in London announced that “Big Ben” will be silent for the next four years while maintenance takes place on the clock’s mechanism and the bell.  ***  They also asked American tourists to please stop referring to it as “The Gong Show.”

2.   After being found guilty of falsely selling rings under the Tiffany name, Costco has been ordered to pay Tiffany & Co. $19 million.   ***  And when women find out their “Tiffany” engagement rings were actually bought at Costco, their husbands will be paying for the rest of their lives.

3.   In a speech to sailors on the USS Kentucky, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis praised them and said, “You won’t be laying on a shrink’s couch when you’re 45 years old asking, ‘What the hell did I do with my life?’ ”  ***  He said there’s no way that sort of therapy would ever be covered by VA benefits.

4.   The international hacking group known as “Anonymous” has announced that it will begin attacking white supremacist websites.  ***  Well, Anonymous is really making a name for itself.

5.   Kim Kardashian has been criticized for putting her 20-month old son, Saint, in a forward-facing car seat.  ***  I agree—the kid isn’t nearly old enough to see some of those outfits his mother wears. (Really, he should be in a rear-facing seat or, preferably, blindfolded.)

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 18, 1961 – Construction on the Berlin Wall is completed.   ***  Apparently they didn’t have a building permit, because a few years later some guy named Reagan told them to tear it down. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1918 – Samuel Riddle buys Man o'War for $5,000.   ***   It’s interesting that there were no offers for the horse’s brother, Man o’Peace.  

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1984 – A Los Angeles federal jury acquits auto maker John Z. DeLorean on cocaine charges.  ***  But, he was found guilty of the more serious charge of selling a car that was under-powered and over-priced. 

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1620 – The Mayflower sets sail from Southampton with 102 Pilgrims.   ***  Not a bad turnout for the first cruise sold through Travelocity. 


10.  On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1842 – The Seminole War ends and the Indians are relocated from Florida to Oklahoma.  ***   However, they were allowed to return to Florida after reaching the age of 65.

Friday, August 11, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 11, 2017

1.   A New York City bakery has teamed up with the Ruffino winery to make “prosecco donuts” for wine lovers.  ***   They’ll be sold in a new chain, Drunken Donuts.

2.   The U.S. plans to put a tariff on aluminum foil from China.  ***   However, the White House said an exemption will be granted for the fashionable Ivanka line of microwave-resistant headwear.

3.   Justin Bieber was spotted taking part in a practice round and getting advice from elite golfers at a PGA golf tournament in North Carolina this week.   ***   He wants to improve his swing for hitting drives, chip shots and paparazzi.

4.   A man in Roseville, Michigan says a Tim Horton’s employee slammed the drive-thru window on his hand and broke his finger.  ***  I’ll bet that’s the last time he orders the “Wake-Up Special.”

5.   Vice President Mike Pence is denying a New York Times report that he has started a “shadow campaign” to win the presidency in 2020.  ***  In fact, he says he hasn’t even met with the Russians yet.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 11, 1972 – "Cheech & Chong Day" takes place in San Antonio, Texas.  ***   It would be almost a week before people could see the sun again. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1975 – David Frost purchases exclusive rights to interview Nixon.   ***  These days it costs a bit more to interview a former politician; first you have to put up their bail money.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1855 – The Battle of Acapulco takes place in Mexico.  ***   It was the Spring Breakers vs. the Summer Vacationers.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1860 – The queen of the Sandwich Islands arrives in New York City.   ***   She was accompanied by her boyfriend, Jimmy John. 


10.  On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1820 – The first potatoes are planted in Hawaii.   ***   After which the landowner yelled, “I said PINEAPPLES you idiot, PINEAPPLES!”