Friday, November 20, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 20, 2015

1.        Rearchers at Harvard University say that people who drink three to five cups of coffee a day are less likely to die from diabetes, heart disease or Parkinson’s disease.  ***  Instead, they’ll probably be killed by someone who can’t stand their hyperactivity and chirpy disposition. 

2.        Charlie Sheen says his millions in blackmail payments to hide his HIV is money that should have gone to his children and grandchild.  ***  His regular prostitution payments, however, were apparently a budgeted line item.

3.        Mattel is getting kudos for featuring a boy in its commercial for the new “Moschino Barbie” doll.  ***  I think that’s fine, as long as the boy realizes that when he grows up his dolls will need to be inflated.

4.        Researchers at the Langone Medical Center have found that posting the calorie content of menu items has failed to change New Yorkers’ eating habits at fast food restaurants.   ***   The next step will be to install scales at each cash register.

5.        Kia is recalling 256,000 Souls because of steering problems.  ***  Big deal. God has recalled millions of souls for losing direction.

6.        On this date in history: 1686 - Charles Francois Felix operates on King Louis XIV’s anal fistula, but only after practicing the surgery on several peasants.  ***  Just one more benefit of being insured with the Gold Plan.

7.        On this date in history: 1863 - Abraham Lincoln delivers his Gettysburg Address.  ***  As a great visionary, he kept it short because he knew high school students would have to memorize it.

8.        On this date in history: 1940 – The Green Bay Packers become the first NFL team to travel by plane.  ***   They also become the first NFL team to play in street clothes because the airline lost their luggage.

9.       On this date in history: 1955 – Donald Campbell drives a speedboat faster than 200 mph.  ***  But the really amazing thing is that the water skier held on.
10.   On this date in history: 1984 - McDonald's sells its 50 billionth hamburger.  ***  Employees plead with management, “NOW can we stop counting?”

Friday, November 13, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 13, 2015

1.        Macy’s department stores will soon feature LensCrafters Optical Centers for customer convenience.   ***   Macy’s figured that was easier than enlarging the print on all its price tags and labels. 

2.        The Secret Service has assigned code names to Ben Carson and Donald Trump.  Mr. Carson’s code name is “Eli,” which is a reference to Yale and also a biblical term meaning “God is most high.”   Mr. Trump’s code name is “Mogul,”…*** … which is a business term meaning “I am most high.”

3.        Dunkin’ Donuts has just unveiled its Christmas-themed holiday cup, which features a green wreath with the word “Joy” in it.  Company officials say it reflects the happiness and spirit of the holiday season…***...and the wonderful feeling they get when taking sales away from Starbucks.

4.        British researchers at the University of Reading have found that drinking champagne is good for your brain.  ***  Unfortunately, first you need something to celebrate.

5.        A British supermarket plans to hire a person whose sole job will be to untangle Christmas tree lights.  They’re looking for someone with a sharp mind, nimble fingers…***…and the ability to curse quietly.

6.        On this date in history: 1793 - Jean Sylvain Bailly, the first mayor of Paris, is guillotined. ***  Later, people realize a simple recall election would have been sufficient.

7.        On this date in history: 1801 - Kentucky makes dueling illegal.  ***  People there are sick and tired of two guys having a shootout just to determine which one gets to marry their cousin.

8.        On this date in history: 1847 - Sir James Young Simpson, a British physician, is the first to use chloroform as an anesthetic.  ***  Prior to that, doctors had rendered patients unconscious by showing them the bill.

9.        On this date in history: 1885 - Gottlieb Daimler unveils the world's first motorcycle.  ***  For the occasion, Herr Daimler had on a leather jacket, heavy boots and a “Born to Raise Hell” tattoo.

10.     On this date in history: 1983 - Amsterdam brewer Freddy Heineken is kidnapped.  ***  The only clue:  Witnesses reported seeing him forced into a wagon being pulled by a team of Clydesdales.

Friday, November 6, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 6, 2015

1.        A scientist in Cambridge, Massachusetts has not showered in 12 years, but instead sprays himself with a mixture of bacteria that supposedly keeps him fresh and clean.  ***  In addition to saving time, he also saves money because of less soap usage, lower water bills and no second dates.

2.        NASA has just announced it is hiring astronauts for flights to the International Space Station and Mars.  ***  However, in the interest of full disclosure, officials did point out that George Clooney and Sandra Bullock are no longer in the program.

3.        A missing Denver teenager was found after sleepwalking 9 miles.  ***  Authorities were able to track her cell phone signal while she was texting.

4.        The web site Business Insider lists 13 things an employee should never say on the first day of a new job.  ***  In fact, the best thing to do is just skip the first day and start work the day after.

5.        Bernie Sanders’ first TV campaign ad tells about his childhood in a Brooklyn tenement.   ***  His parents had considered moving to Manhattan, but back when he was a kid the Indians still owned it.

6.        On this date in history: 1955 - In "Back to the Future,"  Marty McFly arrives at this date after traveling back in time 30 years.  ***  Most of us are thrilled when we just get to set our clocks back one hour.

7.        On this date in history: 1879 - To combat stealing by bartenders in his Dayton, Ohio saloon, James Ritty patents the first cash register.  ***  He also copyrights the word “Ka-ching.”

8.        On this date in history: 1914 – In New York City, Vogue magazine holds "Fashion Fete," the first fashion show with models.  ***  It’s also the first known employment opportunity specifically for anorexic women.

9.        On this date in history: 1783 - John Austin, a highwayman, is the last person to be publicly hanged at London's Tyburn gallows.  ***  People just got fed up with the high ticket prices and two drink minimum.

10.     On this date in history: 1978 – The debut of Arnold Shapiro's TV documentary, "Scared Straight," a controversial deterrent to juvenile delinquency narrated by Peter Falk.  ***  Audiences are annoyed by Mr. Falk’s repeated use of the phrase, “Oh, just one more thing, sir…”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 30, 2015

1.        According to a study by the Mayo Clinic, cat bites are extremely dangerous and 1 out of 3 people bitten by a cat need hospital care.  ***  Cat experts say if you are bitten by a cat, you should immediately post the experience on Facebook (preferably with a video) and then head to the nearest ER.

2.        Taylor Swift is suing radio host Robert Mueller for allegedly groping her backstage in 2013, but Mr. Mueller says it was actually done by the station manager, Eddie Haskell.  ***  His accusation was supported by both Wally and the Beaver.

3.        Detroit police had to break up a street brawl involving angry parents at a youth cheerleading contest.  ***  The actual fight wasn’t much, but the cheering was exceptional. (“Hit ‘em high!  Hit ‘em low!  Come on Mom, L-e-e-e-e-t’s go!”)

4.        The Detroit Lions have fired offensive coach Joe Lombardi and replaced him with assistant coach Jim Bob Cooter.  Of course, the Lombardi name is legendary in football,   ***  while the Jim Bob name is legendary in the moonshine business, numerous sitcoms and The Waltons.

5.        Wal-Mart announced it is exploring the use of drones for home delivery.  ***  Great! Now Wal-Mart customers won’t have to spend so much time getting all dressed up to go shopping.

6.        On this date in history: 1833 - The first U.S. college fraternity with a fraternity house is founded.   ***  Sales of beer and togas skyrocket.

7.        On this date in history: 1612 - King James gives lute player Robert Dowland the title of “Court Lutenist.”  ***  Mr. Dowland says he prefers to be called “Cool Hand Lute.”

8.        On this date in history: 1636 - Harvard University is founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts.  ***  In Cambridge stores, sales of pipes and tweed jackets skyrocket.

9.        On this date in history: 1881 - Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday & the Clanton Brothers have their famous gunfight at the OK Corral.  ***  Realizing the historical significance of the event, they decided to meet there rather than “the empty lot behind the five and dime store.”

10.     On this date in history: 1858 - Hamilton Smith patents the rotary washing machine.  ***  The hard part was designing it to always make one sock disappear.