1. Rearchers at Harvard University say that people who drink three to five cups of coffee a day are less likely to die from diabetes, heart disease or Parkinson’s disease. *** Instead, they’ll probably be killed by someone who can’t stand their hyperactivity and chirpy disposition.
2. Charlie Sheen says his millions in blackmail payments to hide his HIV is money that should have gone to his children and grandchild. *** His regular prostitution payments, however, were apparently a budgeted line item.
3. Mattel is getting kudos for featuring a boy in its commercial for the new “Moschino Barbie” doll. *** I think that’s fine, as long as the boy realizes that when he grows up his dolls will need to be inflated.
4. Researchers at the Langone Medical Center have found that posting the calorie content of menu items has failed to change New Yorkers’ eating habits at fast food restaurants. *** The next step will be to install scales at each cash register.
5. Kia is recalling 256,000 Souls because of steering problems. *** Big deal. God has recalled millions of souls for losing direction.
6. On this date in history: 1686 - Charles Francois Felix operates on King Louis XIV’s anal fistula, but only after practicing the surgery on several peasants. *** Just one more benefit of being insured with the Gold Plan.
7. On this date in history: 1863 - Abraham Lincoln delivers his Gettysburg Address. *** As a great visionary, he kept it short because he knew high school students would have to memorize it.
8. On this date in history: 1940 – The Green Bay Packers become the first NFL team to travel by plane. *** They also become the first NFL team to play in street clothes because the airline lost their luggage.
9. On this date in history: 1955 – Donald Campbell drives a speedboat faster than 200 mph. *** But the really amazing thing is that the water skier held on.
10. On this date in history: 1984 - McDonald's sells its 50 billionth hamburger. *** Employees plead with management, “NOW can we stop counting?”