News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 26, 2018

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1.   In the flurry of letter bombs recently sent out, one of them had been mis-addressed and was returned to sender.   ***   Police suddenly remembered a similar scenario many years ago and have put out an APB for a Wile E. Coyote.

2.   Dorcas Reilly, the woman who invented the green bean casserole while working at Campbell Soup, has died at the age of 92.  ***  Funeral services will be held this Saturday, followed by a luncheon. In lieu of casserole dishes, the family is requesting flowers.

3.   Using computer graphics software, researchers in England have been able to create an image of “the world’s sexiest man.”  ***  Actually, it was easy—they just took a picture of a random guy and then Photoshopped him holding the winning $1.6 billion lottery ticket.

4.   For six years Wikileaks’ Julian Assange has been sheltered in Ecuador’s embassy in London, but now he is suing his hosts because they are making him personally take care of his cat and jamming his access to the Internet.  ***  I can certainly understand Mr. Assange’s outrage—there’s nothing worse than having a cat and not being able to post videos on Facebook.

5.   Today President Trump will attend a Houston rally to praise Ted Cruz, but some people are accusing him of hypocrisy because during the presidential campaign he referred to Mr. Cruz as “Lyin’ Ted.” ***  Duh, it was a compliment.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 19, 2018

1.   A Chechen woman who claims to be 129 years old says she has had a rough life and only recalls one day when she was truly happy.  ***  On the other hand, her memory only goes back about a day and a half.

2.   A high school student in Davis, California has been accused of giving classmates cookies that contained her grandmother’s ashes.   ***   School officials became suspicious when dozens of students suddenly began knitting.

3.   To strengthen his role in royal family, Prince Harry has just been given the additional title of “personal aide-de-camp to the queen.”  ***  That means he’ll have to assist the 92 year old monarch if she ever decides to go camping.

4.   The U.S. Postal Service is proposing an increase of five cents for a first class stamp.   ***   OK, so now we’re back to the original definition of “going postal.”

5.   President Trump is scheduled to participate in a live interview on Fox News tonight.   ***   However, it’s expected to be very scripted:  Prior to the session, Mr. Trump will give Fox a list of all the questions to ask…and Fox will give him a list of all the answers.

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 12, 2018

1.   In an interview with “Men’s Health” magazine, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted there were several times when he “stepped over the line” in his treatment of women.  ***  He said it probably wasn’t proper to hold maid interviews in the bedroom.

2.   McDonald’s announced it will be eliminating all artificial ingredients in its hamburgers.  ***  As a result, the Quarter Pounder will now be the Eighth Pounder, the Big Mac will now be a Small Mac, and the Cheeseburger will just be…the Burger.

3.   Police in the UK recently freed a 58 year old man who had been held captive for 40 years in a garden shed with only a bed, a chair, a hot plate, a scrap of carpet and a TV.  ***  How sad—it was just one beer fridge short of a man cave.

4.   The FDA has just revoked its approval of seven food additives because of their adverse effects on humans. *** In the interest of public safety, they banned everything that was fed to the senate committee handling the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.

5.   In Hartland, Michigan, a high school cheerleader was caught handing out marijuana-filled brownies in order to get voted prom queen.  ***   In a related story, Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in as a Supreme Court justice and he expressed his gratitude to President Trump, Betty Crocker and an old prep school buddy known only as “Weed.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 5, 2018

1.   Over the past six years, more than 250 people around the world have died from taking selfies in dangerous poses.   ***  The last words they ever heard were their spouses shouting, “You’re fine, dear—just another step back.”

2.   According to a recent study, the unhappiest state in the country is West Virginia, which has the highest rate of adult depression.  ***   In fact, things are so bad that Happy Hour has never lasted more than 5 minutes.

3.   At 2:18 this afternoon everyone in the U.S. will receive a test alert message from the president on their cell phones.  ***  When a real emergency occurs, the president’s message will state the nature of the crisis and will describe how the Democrats caused it, how the fake news lied about it and how he’s going to fix it all by himself.

4.   Education Secretary Betsy DeVos just invested $1 million in a company that makes gunsights, and people are complaining that it makes for “bad optics.”  ***  Ms. DeVos strongly disagreed and said, “No, they actually make great optics.”

5.   The Boy Scouts of America has recalled its official neckerchief slides because of excessive levels of lead.   ***   Officials began to suspect the high lead content when the scouts seemed to be spending a lot of time looking at their shoes.