1. Over the past six years, more than 250 people around the
world have died from taking selfies in dangerous poses. ***
The last words they ever heard were their spouses shouting, “You’re fine,
dear—just another step back.”
2. According to a recent study, the unhappiest state in the
country is West Virginia, which has the highest rate of adult depression. *** In
fact, things are so bad that Happy Hour has never lasted more than 5 minutes.
3. At 2:18 this afternoon everyone in the U.S. will receive
a test alert message from the president on their cell phones. ***
When a real emergency occurs, the president’s message will state the
nature of the crisis and will describe how the Democrats caused it, how the
fake news lied about it and how he’s going to fix it all by himself.
4. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos just invested $1 million
in a company that makes gunsights, and people are complaining that it makes for
“bad optics.” *** Ms. DeVos strongly disagreed and said, “No,
they actually make great optics.”
5. The Boy Scouts of America has recalled its official
neckerchief slides because of excessive levels of lead. *** Officials began to suspect the high lead
content when the scouts seemed to be spending a lot of time looking at their
shoes.
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