News for Week Ending Friday, May 25, 2018

1.   Kellogg’s is adding a new flavor to its “Froot Loops” mix.  It’s in the shape of a purple star and is called “Wild Berry.”  ***  They’re also planning to add a black star and call it “Chuck Berry.”

2.   The mayor of West Hollywood, John Duran, declared May 23^rd “Stormy Daniels Day,” and presented Ms. Daniels with a key to the city.  ***  He also gave her the keys to his condo, his ski lodge and his beach house.

3.   A new museum in Paris, the Palais de Tokyo, recently held a special event just for nudists. ***  Attendees were advised to be extra careful going through the turnstiles.

4.   Walmart is now trying to attract wealthy online shoppers by offering upscale fashions on a new website.  ***  NoFlipFlops.com

5.   After all the contestants competed in several categories, the title of Miss USA went to Miss Nebraska.  ***  However, several contestants cried foul and said that husking corn does not qualify as a talent.

6.   On this date in history:  May 25, 1922 – Babe Ruth is suspended for one day and fined $200 for throwing dirt on an umpire.  ***  What happens when you throw dirt depends on who you are—If you’re a baseball player, you get fined; if you’re a politician, you get elected.

7.   On this date in history:  May 24, 1959 – In Pleasant Hills, Pennsylvania, the first house with a built-in bomb shelter is exhibited.  ***   “Why, no dear, it only looks like a man cave.”

8.   On this date in history:  May 23, 1982 – Colin Wilson rides a surfboard 294 miles.   ***   It was strapped to the top of his buddy’s VW.

9.   On this date in history:  May 22, 1961 – "Mother-In-Law" by Ernie K-Doe hits #1.   ***   Just about the time the divorce was finalized.

10.  On this date in history:  May 21, 1917 – Leo Pinckney becomes the first American drafted in WWI.   ***   He immediately went to the tattoo shop and asked for a refund on his “Lucky Leo” tat.  

News for Week Ending Friday, May 18, 2018

1.   A man was shot and arrested at the Trump National Doral Golf Club in Miami after he opened fire in the lobby while shouting criticisms of Mr. Trump.  ***   I believe he was yelling, “I don’t care if he is the president, he’s gotta replace his &%#@$ divots!” 

2.   Meghan Markle’s strange father, who faked a paparazzi photo and then had a heart attack, has undergone surgery and the doctors say he is “alert and coherent.”  ***  Ms. Markle is saying it’s a miracle, because the old man hasn’t been alert or coherent for at least the last ten years.

3.   A woman in Arizona has been accused of stalking after sending a man 65,000 texts.  ***   Neighbors describe her as an attractive woman with black hair, brown eyes and really well-developed thumbs.

4.   Prince William is obligated to hand out a soccer trophy on the same day that brother Harry is getting married, so he plans to attend the wedding, then take a helicopter to the soccer stadium and still make it back in time for the reception.   ***  He says there’s no way he’d miss that reception after he and Kate spent two weeks practicing the royal Chicken Dance.

5.   According to a report in New York Magazine, on most nights President Trump speaks on the phone with Fox’s Sean Hannity before he goes to sleep.  ***  And Mr. Hannity always assures the president that there are no monsters hiding under his bed…because they’re all busy writing articles for their newspapers.

6.   On this date in history:  May 18, 1619 – A Dutch statesman known as Hugo the Great is sentenced to life in prison.   ***   Because of the seriousness of his offenses, prosecutors had actually recommended the ultimate punishment—changing his name to Hugo the Ordinary.

7.   On this date in history:  May 17, 1975 – Mick Jagger punches a restaurant window and gets 20 stitches.  ***   But no satisfaction.

8.   On this date in history:  May 16, 1527 – Florence becomes a republic.  ***   Wow, she must have put on a lot of weight.

9.   On this date in history:  May 15, 1718 – James Puckle, a London lawyer, patents the world's first machine gun.   ***    I believe the U.S. distributor was a guy named Kelly.

10.  On this date in history:  May 14, 1878 – Vaseline Petroleum Jelly goes on sale.   ***   Unfortunately, most stores put it in the food aisle with the peanut butter.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 11, 2018

1.   Charles Lazarus, the founder of Toys R Us, has died at the age of 94.  ***  Just before passing, Mr. Lazarus put on a T-shirt that said, “He who dies with the most toys wins” and declared victory. 

2.   Queen Elizabeth is hiring a new royal chef.  ***   She’s looking for someone who is experienced, creative and specializes in cooking with fiber.

3.   The Mormon Church has announced that it is severing all ties with the Boy Scouts because it disagrees several new policies, such as the admission of gay scout leaders.  ***  Also, the church never forgave the Scouts for dropping the polygamy merit badge.

4.   In Alabama, a 13 year old accident victim suddenly awoke from a two-month coma right after his parents signed documents allowing his organs to be donated.  ***   Now, parents everywhere are rejoicing because someone finally found a way to get a teenager’s attention.

5.   Pediatrician Eboni Hollier has identified several signs that your child may be a genius.  ***   However, she points out that if people often tell your kid, “Way to go, genius,” they’re probably not.

6.   On this date in history:  May 11, 1959 – "Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb," sung by Edd “Kookie” Byrnes and Connie Stevens, hits #4 on the charts.   *** I believe it was later performed by Mr. Byrnes’ new group, “Eddie & the Lice.” 

7.   On this date in history:  May 10, 1869 – The Transcontinental Railroad is completed when the “Golden Spike” is driven at Promontory Point, Utah.  ***   Hmmm…“Transcontinental,” ”Golden Spike” and “Promontory Point.”  Before the marketing department got involved it was “cross-country,” “big nail” and “middle of nowhere.”

8.   On this date in history:  May 9, 1671 – Colonel Thomas Blood attempts to steal the Crown Jewels.  ***  Unfortunately, he didn’t understand the difference between “Crown Jewels” and “Family Jewels.”

9.   On this date in history:  May 8, 1980 – The World Health Organization announces that smallpox has been eradicated.  ***  However, mediumpox and largepox are still a threat.

10.  On this date in history:  May 7, 1966 – The Mamas & Papas’ "Monday Monday" hits #1 on the charts.  ***  However, they were not nearly as successful with their next song, “Tuesday, Tuesday.”