1. A man was shot and arrested at the Trump National Doral Golf Club in Miami after he opened fire in the lobby while shouting criticisms of Mr. Trump. *** I believe he was yelling, “I don’t care if he is the president, he’s gotta replace his &%#@$ divots!”
2. Meghan Markle’s strange father, who faked a paparazzi photo and then had a heart attack, has undergone surgery and the doctors say he is “alert and coherent.” *** Ms. Markle is saying it’s a miracle, because the old man hasn’t been alert or coherent for at least the last ten years.
3. A woman in Arizona has been accused of stalking after sending a man 65,000 texts. *** Neighbors describe her as an attractive woman with black hair, brown eyes and really well-developed thumbs.
4. Prince William is obligated to hand out a soccer trophy on the same day that brother Harry is getting married, so he plans to attend the wedding, then take a helicopter to the soccer stadium and still make it back in time for the reception. *** He says there’s no way he’d miss that reception after he and Kate spent two weeks practicing the royal Chicken Dance.
5. According to a report in New York Magazine, on most nights President Trump speaks on the phone with Fox’s Sean Hannity before he goes to sleep. *** And Mr. Hannity always assures the president that there are no monsters hiding under his bed…because they’re all busy writing articles for their newspapers.
6. On this date in history: May 18, 1619 – A Dutch statesman known as Hugo the Great is sentenced to life in prison. *** Because of the seriousness of his offenses, prosecutors had actually recommended the ultimate punishment—changing his name to Hugo the Ordinary.
7. On this date in history: May 17, 1975 – Mick Jagger punches a restaurant window and gets 20 stitches. *** But no satisfaction.
8. On this date in history: May 16, 1527 – Florence becomes a republic. *** Wow, she must have put on a lot of weight.
9. On this date in history: May 15, 1718 – James Puckle, a London lawyer, patents the world's first machine gun. *** I believe the U.S. distributor was a guy named Kelly.
10. On this date in history: May 14, 1878 – Vaseline Petroleum Jelly goes on sale. *** Unfortunately, most stores put it in the food aisle with the peanut butter.