Friday, December 19, 2014

Friday, Dec 19, 2014

1.        Lufthansa Airlines is now allowing Middle East passengers to transport their hunting falcons in the main cabin.  Of course, the airlines will continue to allow in-cabin transport of cats and dogs.  ***  Or as the falcon people call them, “snacks.”

2.        A man in England has undergone 50 operations and spent $150,000 to look like Kim Kardashian.  ***  Gee, that’s almost as much as Kim Kardashian spent to look like Kim Kardashian.

3.        Kris Kardashian and Bruce Jenner have just finalized their divorce, and she agreed to pay him $2.5 million.  ***  But, in the true spirit of Christmas, she’s going to give it to him in the form of a plastic surgery gift card.

4.        Newt Gingrich says President Obama should hunt down whoever hacked the Sony e-mails, otherwise we are just opening the door for foreign terrorists to control the American media. ***  Mr. Obama agrees, and wants to keep control of the media where it belongs--with the Democrats.

5.        McDonalds is rationing french fries in Japan because of a shortage.   ***  They have enough potatoes, but they’re running out of grease.

6.        A study in a British medical journal estimates that doctors in that country lose $19 million every year in magazines stolen from waiting rooms.  ***  Here in the U.S., doctors avoid that problem by making sure you wait long enough to finish reading all of them.

7.        Next year Hilton hotel guests will be able to check in, get their room assignment and open their room door with their smart phones.  ***  And by selecting the Charlie Sheen package, the app will automatically line up hookers, order booze from room service and put a disaster recovery team on stand-by.

8.        Sy Berger, who passed away this weekend, is best known for designing the modern baseball card in 1952.  ***  It took him many, many tries to come up with a card that made just the right sound in the bicycle spokes.

9.        The U.S. Army is auctioning off surplus Humvees, but cautions that they are not legal for driving on public highways.  ***  Unless the public highway is in a country that we’re invading.

10.     In a recent YouTube video, a Japanese store clerk shows how to wrap a gift in 12 seconds.  ***  That’s good, because that’s about all the time I have left after I finally finish Christmas shopping.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Friday, Dec 12, 2014

1.        A hallucinogenic mushroom has been found growing in the gardens of Buckingham Palace.  *** Well, that might finally explain how Prince Charles ever thought Camilla was attractive.

2.        Burt Reynolds is denying that he’s broke, a rumor which started when he put 600 personal items and memorabilia up for auction.  ***  He’s just getting rid of things that remind him about the movies that he’s made.

3.        The House has narrowly approved a government spending bill totaling $1.1 trillion.  ***  It was $1.2 trillion before they took out funding for all the interrogation equipment.

4.        Kim Kardashian says that her pregnancy weight gain was God’s way of punishing her.   ***   No, it was God’s way of getting her to keep her clothes on.

5.        LeBron James has been accused of a major breach of protocol when he met Princess Kate and he put his arm around her.  ***  Well, what else could an NBA star do?  She’s already pregnant.

6.        After President Obama’s annual pardoning of Thanksgiving turkeys at the White House, his two daughters were criticized for having appeared sullen, unsupportive and disinterested.  ***   That sort of childish behavior is considered totally inappropriate, unless you’re a Republican at the State of the Union Address.  

7.        In Venice, California, former child actor Andrew Keegan has founded a new religion called “Full Circle.”  ***  Services consist of getting together and watching “Anderson Cooper 360.”

8.        In the next James Bond film, “Spectre,” the Bond girl is 50 year old Monica Bellucci.  ***  She will also be starring in several senior-oriented re-makes, including “Oldfinger,” “License to Kill Time,” and “The Man with the Golden Health Insurance.”

9.        In Rosemont, Illinois, a Hyatt Hotel was hosting the “Midwest FurFest,” in which all the participants were dressed as various furry animals, when an apparent chlorine leak prompted evacuation.  ***  Police ordered everyone to immediately hop, leap or amble to the nearest exit.

10.     Tom Hanks, Sting, Patricia McBride, Al Green and Lily Tomlin have just received the 2014 Kennedy Center Honors from President Obama.  ***  Actually, only four of them were present for the ceremony;  Ms. Tomlin was busy manning the White House switchboard.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Friday, Dec 5, 2014

1.        David Muir, the anchor on ABC’s “World News Tonight,” has started posting a one-minute newscast on Facebook every weekday.  ***  And he’ll continue doing it until he runs out of cat material.

2.        Having split from Bruce Jenner, Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner has been seen dating Corey Gamble.  ***  No surprise there; at her age every date is a gamble.

3.        A nuclear missile launch officer stationed in Montana has been charged with drug use and removed from duty.  ***  Good. We cannot afford to have those people impaired by drugs. Whenever the time comes, they need to be able to count backwards from ten.

4.        This week’s huge power outage in Detroit resulted in the loss of street lights, traffic lights…***…and, unfortunately, the light at the end of the tunnel.

5.        Anderson Cooper is already back on the air at CNN, just two days after an emergency appendectomy.  ***  However, his doctors told him to take it easy and start at 180 then gradually work his way back up to 360.

6.        Burt Reynolds is reportedly having financial difficulties, and he’s so desperate that he started teaching acting classes.   ***   Fortunately, he was able to find a few people who are so desperate that they’re taking them.

7.        Just before Thanksgiving Vermont may got 16 inches of snow.   ***  Which was great news for all the 15 inch turkeys.

8.        According to the IRS, every year more than 100,000 prison inmates file fake tax refund claims, although most of them are caught.  ***  Auditors always get suspicious when someone asks for their refund to be sent in cash hidden in the lining of a book.

9.        In a White House press conference President Obama announced that he will improve security with a new Secretary of Defense.  ***  And a new Secretary of De Front Door.

10.     An exhibit at New York’s JFK Airport displays weapons confiscated by TSA gents, including a credit card that can turn into a knife.  ***  Even scarier is a credit card that can turn into a $10,000 debt.