Friday, December 20, 2013

Friday, Dec 20, 2013

1.        Edward Snowden has written an open letter to the Brazilian people offering to help them investigate spying by the United States.  In return, he asks only that Brazil grant him political asylum. *** And give him a beachfront cottage and hook him up with the Girl from Ipanema.

2.        A federally-appointed panel is recommending less aggressive treatment for high blood pressure in older people, saying that drugs just need to get it down to 150-over-90 instead of 140-over-90.  They say this is a critical issue as high blood pressure is affecting more and more Americans.  ***  Basically, every person who has tried to register on the Obamacare website.

3.        There have been rumors that Jay Leno is having discussions with CNN.  ***   They want him to help Wolf Blitzer pursue his dream of doing stand-up.

4.        China’s lunar rover has now separated from the landing craft and is exploring the surface of the moon.  China says it expects to send an astronaut to the moon sometime after the year 2020.  ***  His first mission will be to open a small Chinese take-out.

5.        In an interview with the Italian newspaper La Stampa, Pope Francis denied allegations that he is a Marxist.   ***   He said he’s not a fan of slapstick and doesn’t think Groucho and Harpo are all that funny.

6.        Senator John McCain criticized the CIA for not giving the full story behind Robert Levinson, who allegedly worked for the Agency and has been missing in Iran for several years.   ***   Don’t worry—the government hasn’t found him yet, but they’ll definitely track him down as soon as he misses the deadline to sign up for Obamacare.

7.        Earlier this week North Korean President Kim Jong Un had his uncle arrested for treason and then executed.  ***  And you think your family’s holiday gatherings are going to be awkward!

8.        It appears that North Korean President Kim Jong Un still holds his aunt in high regard, even though he recently executed her husband for treason.  ***   Or, he’s just keeping her around for the holidays because she makes fantastic cookies.

9.        Detectives in Seattle have arrested two men for the recent theft of 2,500 bottles of wine.   ***  They caught the thieves by putting out an APB for anyone buying huge amounts of cheese.

10.     Dennis Rodman is in North Korea to help train that country’s national basketball team.   ***  
               Training schedule:  
                     Day 1 – Tattoos
                     Day 2 – Body piercing 
                     Day 3 – Hair coloring
                     Day 4 – Trash talk
                     Day 5 – …

Friday, December 13, 2013

Friday, Dec 13, 2013

1.        The man who messed up the sign language for the deaf during President Obama’s speech at Nelson Mandela’s memorial claims he was having a schizophrenic episode.   ***   Here’s my question: Why do they even need someone signing when Obama is speaking?  I mean, just aim the camera at the teleprompter.

2.        Earlier this week the Hilton hotel company went public with an IPO (Initial Public Offering).   ***  Now, don’t get that confused with Paris Hilton, who went public a long time ago…with a video.

3.        The FAA has banned Angelina Jolie from piloting her own private plane because she missed the annual registration deadline.   ***  However, the FAA was unable to explain why Miss Jolie is the only pilot in the country who is required to actually come in, register in person and get a security patdown.

4.        Billy Joel, Carlos Santana, Martina Arroyo, Herbie Hancock and Shirley MacLaine all received the Kennedy Center Honors this past weekend.  Interestingly, all the recipients began singing, dancing or playing music when they were young children.  ***  Except for Shirley MacLaine, who actually began performing as an adult…in a previous life.

5.        The Von Trapp family is unhappy that Carrie Underwood was cast in the role of Maria for the “Sound of Music Live” special on NBC because she didn’t have much acting experience.  ***  Actually, Underwood was a compromise selection.  The Von Trapps wanted Anne Hathaway; NBC wanted Miley Cyrus.

6.        The NFL has announced that Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito will continue to be suspended with pay until the NFL finishes investigating his alleged bullying and harassment of teammate Jonathan Martin.   Incognito says he was just trying to motivate the guy.   ***   Actually, motivation through verbal abuse is really catching on.  In fact, one of this year’s most popular Christmas gifts is the new CD of trash talk by Tony Robbins.

7.        To commemorate 2014 as the Chinese year of the Horse, the U.S. Treasury Department is selling 88,888 one-dollar bills in a special red “hong bao” envelope.  ***  Now, that’s a really cheesy way to repay our $16 trillion debt:  We only send them $88,000 a year and charge ‘em for the envelopes.

8.        Olive Garden has added a special hamburger to their menu. To make it more Italian, they’ve added mozzarella, prosciutto, arugula, pesto, tomatoes and aioli spread.  ***  Hey, I’ve got news for Olive Garden:  IT’S STILL A HAMBURGER!  IT’S NOT ITALIAN!

9.        The trial has begun for a woman accused of pushing her husband off a cliff in Glacier National Park just eight days after their wedding.  Observers say that numerous experts will be called to the stand.  ***  They’ll be asked to testify on whether or not she needs to return all the wedding presents.

10.     Elderly veterans gathering in Pearl Harbor to commemorate the 1941 attack were disgusted that the U.S. military did not do its annual “missing man” flyover because of budget cuts.   ***  In fact, they were so furious they contributed their own money and hired a Japanese plane to fly overhead and drop another bomb.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Friday, Dec 6, 2013

1.        Pamela Anderson had died her hair brunette.  ***  Well, that comes as a shock to all of us “Baywatch” fans who remember so many drowning swimmers pushing David Hasselhoff away and yelling, “Send the blonde!  Send the blonde!”

2.        Pope Francis has revealed that before he joined the priesthood he worked as a bouncer in a Buenos Aries night club.  ***  But he got fired;  instead of just kicking out the troublemakers he tried to get them excommunicated.

3.        It’s tough to figure out how the economy is doing these days.  ***  When the number of applications for unemployment benefits drops, I don’t know if it’s due to an improving economy or another government website not working.

4.        On a new U.S. postage stamp the image of the Statue of Liberty was erroneously modeled after the Statue of Liberty replica in Las Vegas.   ***  Well, that would explain why Miss Liberty is topless.

5.        In a 1972 survey, 2/3 of Americans said that most people could be trusted, but in this year’s repeat of the survey only 1/3 felt that way.  ***   In fact, this year nobody trusted the people taking the survey.

6.        A top Chinese filmmaker has publicly apologized for having three children, which is in violation of China’s “one-child” policy.  ***  However, that policy does include an “NBA waiver” which says it’s OK for basketball players to have as many kids as they want, as long as each one is with a different woman.

7.        Russian officials ordered the dismantling of a huge, 100-foot by 30-foot Louis Vuitton suitcase being displayed In Moscow’s Red Square.   ***   I believe it was the actual suitcase used by Edward Snowden to carry secret documents out of the United States.

8.        In Pakistan, General Raheel Sharif has been appointed Chief of the Army.  ***  The primary requirement for the position is the ability to denounce American drone strikes while demanding more American aid, and do both those things while keeping a straight face.

9.        In Minnesota a man was arrested after throwing $1,000 in one-dollar bills from a balcony at the Mall of America.   ***   It was just Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke trying one more way to jump start the economy.

10.     In Pakistan, a senior official in the Haqqani branch of the Taliban was killed by an American drone strike.   ***  Or as the locals call it, the Taliban retirement program.