1. Edward Snowden has written an open letter to the Brazilian people offering to help them investigate spying by the United States. In return, he asks only that Brazil grant him political asylum. *** And give him a beachfront cottage and hook him up with the Girl from Ipanema.
2. A federally-appointed panel is recommending less aggressive treatment for high blood pressure in older people, saying that drugs just need to get it down to 150-over-90 instead of 140-over-90. They say this is a critical issue as high blood pressure is affecting more and more Americans. *** Basically, every person who has tried to register on the Obamacare website.
3. There have been rumors that Jay Leno is having discussions with CNN. *** They want him to help Wolf Blitzer pursue his dream of doing stand-up.
4. China’s lunar rover has now separated from the landing craft and is exploring the surface of the moon. China says it expects to send an astronaut to the moon sometime after the year 2020. *** His first mission will be to open a small Chinese take-out.
5. In an interview with the Italian newspaper La Stampa, Pope Francis denied allegations that he is a Marxist. *** He said he’s not a fan of slapstick and doesn’t think Groucho and Harpo are all that funny.
6. Senator John McCain criticized the CIA for not giving the full story behind Robert Levinson, who allegedly worked for the Agency and has been missing in Iran for several years. *** Don’t worry—the government hasn’t found him yet, but they’ll definitely track him down as soon as he misses the deadline to sign up for Obamacare.
7. Earlier this week North Korean President Kim Jong Un had his uncle arrested for treason and then executed. *** And you think your family’s holiday gatherings are going to be awkward!
8. It appears that North Korean President Kim Jong Un still holds his aunt in high regard, even though he recently executed her husband for treason. *** Or, he’s just keeping her around for the holidays because she makes fantastic cookies.
9. Detectives in Seattle have arrested two men for the recent theft of 2,500 bottles of wine. *** They caught the thieves by putting out an APB for anyone buying huge amounts of cheese.
10. Dennis Rodman is in North Korea to help train that country’s national basketball team. ***Training schedule:
Day 1 – Tattoos
Day 2 – Body piercing
Day 3 – Hair coloring
Day 4 – Trash talk
Day 5 – …