1. The man who messed up the sign language for the deaf during President Obama’s speech at Nelson Mandela’s memorial claims he was having a schizophrenic episode. *** Here’s my question: Why do they even need someone signing when Obama is speaking? I mean, just aim the camera at the teleprompter.
2. Earlier this week the Hilton hotel company went public with an IPO (Initial Public Offering). *** Now, don’t get that confused with Paris Hilton, who went public a long time ago…with a video.
3. The FAA has banned Angelina Jolie from piloting her own private plane because she missed the annual registration deadline. *** However, the FAA was unable to explain why Miss Jolie is the only pilot in the country who is required to actually come in, register in person and get a security patdown.
4. Billy Joel, Carlos Santana, Martina Arroyo, Herbie Hancock and Shirley MacLaine all received the Kennedy Center Honors this past weekend. Interestingly, all the recipients began singing, dancing or playing music when they were young children. *** Except for Shirley MacLaine, who actually began performing as an adult…in a previous life.
5. The Von Trapp family is unhappy that Carrie Underwood was cast in the role of Maria for the “Sound of Music Live” special on NBC because she didn’t have much acting experience. *** Actually, Underwood was a compromise selection. The Von Trapps wanted Anne Hathaway; NBC wanted Miley Cyrus.
6. The NFL has announced that Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito will continue to be suspended with pay until the NFL finishes investigating his alleged bullying and harassment of teammate Jonathan Martin. Incognito says he was just trying to motivate the guy. *** Actually, motivation through verbal abuse is really catching on. In fact, one of this year’s most popular Christmas gifts is the new CD of trash talk by Tony Robbins.
7. To commemorate 2014 as the Chinese year of the Horse, the U.S. Treasury Department is selling 88,888 one-dollar bills in a special red “hong bao” envelope. *** Now, that’s a really cheesy way to repay our $16 trillion debt: We only send them $88,000 a year and charge ‘em for the envelopes.
8. Olive Garden has added a special hamburger to their menu. To make it more Italian, they’ve added mozzarella, prosciutto, arugula, pesto, tomatoes and aioli spread. *** Hey, I’ve got news for Olive Garden: IT’S STILL A HAMBURGER! IT’S NOT ITALIAN!
9. The trial has begun for a woman accused of pushing her husband off a cliff in Glacier National Park just eight days after their wedding. Observers say that numerous experts will be called to the stand. *** They’ll be asked to testify on whether or not she needs to return all the wedding presents.
10. Elderly veterans gathering in Pearl Harbor to commemorate the 1941 attack were disgusted that the U.S. military did not do its annual “missing man” flyover because of budget cuts. *** In fact, they were so furious they contributed their own money and hired a Japanese plane to fly overhead and drop another bomb.