Friday, August 25, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 25, 2017

1.   In Saudi Arabia, a 14 year old boy was arrested for dancing the Macarena in public while crossing the street.   ***   Officials acknowledged that a lot of adults do that contrived and silly dance, but said a 14 year old should know better.

2.   Starbucks is test marketing a sushi burrito.  ***   It’s not very good, but their plan is to make a killing by selling beverages to wash it down. 

3.   Two members of the Kennedy clan—the son and granddaughter of Robert and Ethyl—were arrested for disorderly conduct after refusing to turn down the music at their party.  ***  At their arraignment they were indignant; they both pleaded not guilty and said there has never been a noise ordinance in Camelot.

4.   During yesterday’s eclipse President Trump made the mistake of looking directly at the sun.  ***  After being surrounded by White House advisors for the past seven months he just wasn’t used to seeing anything that bright.

5.   The city of Stamford, Connecticut may make it illegal to walk and text at the same time.   ***  I bet a lot of kids there will decide to give up walking.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 25, 1916 – The Department of the Interior establishes the National Park Service.   ***  They provide valet parking?

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1853 – In Saratoga, New York, chef George Crum prepares the world’s first potato chips.  ***  He then became extremely wealthy by betting friends that they couldn’t eat just one.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1960 – The world's largest frog (7.2 pounds) is caught.  ***  His weight gain was blamed on the unhealthy influence of a Miss Piggy.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1911 – The Mona Lisa is stolen from the Louvre.   ***   Sounds like somebody just wasn’t satisfied with a Mona Lisa coffee mug from the gift shop.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 21, 1841 – John Hampson patents the venetian blind.  ***   According to the patent, it kept out the sun and provided privacy while still letting you peek at the neighbors. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 18, 2017

1.   Authorities in London announced that “Big Ben” will be silent for the next four years while maintenance takes place on the clock’s mechanism and the bell.  ***  They also asked American tourists to please stop referring to it as “The Gong Show.”

2.   After being found guilty of falsely selling rings under the Tiffany name, Costco has been ordered to pay Tiffany & Co. $19 million.   ***  And when women find out their “Tiffany” engagement rings were actually bought at Costco, their husbands will be paying for the rest of their lives.

3.   In a speech to sailors on the USS Kentucky, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis praised them and said, “You won’t be laying on a shrink’s couch when you’re 45 years old asking, ‘What the hell did I do with my life?’ ”  ***  He said there’s no way that sort of therapy would ever be covered by VA benefits.

4.   The international hacking group known as “Anonymous” has announced that it will begin attacking white supremacist websites.  ***  Well, Anonymous is really making a name for itself.

5.   Kim Kardashian has been criticized for putting her 20-month old son, Saint, in a forward-facing car seat.  ***  I agree—the kid isn’t nearly old enough to see some of those outfits his mother wears. (Really, he should be in a rear-facing seat or, preferably, blindfolded.)

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 18, 1961 – Construction on the Berlin Wall is completed.   ***  Apparently they didn’t have a building permit, because a few years later some guy named Reagan told them to tear it down. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1918 – Samuel Riddle buys Man o'War for $5,000.   ***   It’s interesting that there were no offers for the horse’s brother, Man o’Peace.  

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 16, 1984 – A Los Angeles federal jury acquits auto maker John Z. DeLorean on cocaine charges.  ***  But, he was found guilty of the more serious charge of selling a car that was under-powered and over-priced. 

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 15, 1620 – The Mayflower sets sail from Southampton with 102 Pilgrims.   ***  Not a bad turnout for the first cruise sold through Travelocity. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 14, 1842 – The Seminole War ends and the Indians are relocated from Florida to Oklahoma.  ***   However, they were allowed to return to Florida after reaching the age of 65.

Friday, August 11, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 11, 2017

1.   A New York City bakery has teamed up with the Ruffino winery to make “prosecco donuts” for wine lovers.  ***   They’ll be sold in a new chain, Drunken Donuts.

2.   The U.S. plans to put a tariff on aluminum foil from China.  ***   However, the White House said an exemption will be granted for the fashionable Ivanka line of microwave-resistant headwear.

3.   Justin Bieber was spotted taking part in a practice round and getting advice from elite golfers at a PGA golf tournament in North Carolina this week.   ***   He wants to improve his swing for hitting drives, chip shots and paparazzi.

4.   A man in Roseville, Michigan says a Tim Horton’s employee slammed the drive-thru window on his hand and broke his finger.  ***  I’ll bet that’s the last time he orders the “Wake-Up Special.”

5.   Vice President Mike Pence is denying a New York Times report that he has started a “shadow campaign” to win the presidency in 2020.  ***  In fact, he says he hasn’t even met with the Russians yet.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 11, 1972 – "Cheech & Chong Day" takes place in San Antonio, Texas.  ***   It would be almost a week before people could see the sun again. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1975 – David Frost purchases exclusive rights to interview Nixon.   ***  These days it costs a bit more to interview a former politician; first you have to put up their bail money.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1855 – The Battle of Acapulco takes place in Mexico.  ***   It was the Spring Breakers vs. the Summer Vacationers.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1860 – The queen of the Sandwich Islands arrives in New York City.   ***   She was accompanied by her boyfriend, Jimmy John. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 7, 1820 – The first potatoes are planted in Hawaii.   ***   After which the landowner yelled, “I said PINEAPPLES you idiot, PINEAPPLES!”

Friday, August 4, 2017

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 1, 2017

1.   The NFL is planning to study marijuana for pain management.  ***  Of course, they’ll have to lift the restriction against smoking in the huddle.

2.   Good news for Sean Spicer: He’s been invited to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.”  ***   The bad news:  His partner will be a motorized podium.

3.   The World Health Organization says that at least three people in the world have been infected with a new “superbug” strain of gonorrhea. ***  Actually, only two cases have been confirmed, but they assume Charlie Sheen will make it three. 

4.   The Hallmark Channel has announced it will debut 33 new Christmas movies this year.  ***  But only 2 new plots.

5.   According the show’s producers, Donald Trump once wanted to voice a character on “The Simpsons,” but was denied.  ***    In a clear act of revenge, the President recently revealed that that rejection is the only reason Homer isn’t the new Chief of Staff at the White House.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 4, 1970 – Jim Morrison is arrested for drunkenness.  ***  He was seen stumbling up to people on the street and asking them to light his fire. 

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1963 – Allan Sherman releases "Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda," a song about a camper’s letter to his folks.  ***   Of course, today he’d post his complaints on Facebook, send a text to his parents, and then contact Uber to come and take him home. 

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1991 – Funk singer Rick James is arrested and accused of sexual torture.   ***   I believe he was eventually charged with 12 shades of grey.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1991 – Actress Hedy Lamarr, 77, is arrested for shoplifting in Florida.  ***  Fortunately, it was before 4:00 P.M., so she qualified for a reduced fine under Florida’s “Early Bird Special” laws for seniors.

10.  On this date in history:  Jul 31, 1970 – Chet Huntley retires from NBC, ending the "Huntley-Brinkley Report."   ***  Actually, he quit in disgust when Brinkley wouldn’t stop trying to get his name first.