Friday, July 26, 2013

Friday, July 26, 2013

1.      A study by Harvard researchers in the journal “Circulation” says that skipping breakfast increases your chance of having a heart attack.   ***   And, you will die hungry.  
2.      According to a study by the American Academy of Pediatrics, a child is injured by a falling television every 30 minutes.   ***   So, kids, when Mom and Dad say “Don’t sit too close to the TV,” they know what they’re talking about. 

3.      A Senate committee is holding hearings to address fires and other problems on cruise ships.  Senator Jay Rockefeller is proposing a Cruise Passenger Protection Act which would, among other things, set up a hotline for passengers to phone in complaints.  ***  “If your ship has lost power, press ‘1’.  If all the toilets are backed up, press ‘2’.  If the ship is sinking, press ‘3’...”

4.      Taco Bell is taking kid’s meals off the menu because of slow sales.   ***   I guess there just wasn’t much demand for Gummy Bears in a taco shell.  

5.      Kate Middleton finally gave birth to a baby boy.  ***  Apparently there was no truth to the rumors that the child was stuck in the birth canal because he had his grandfather’s ears.

6.      Billy Ray Cyrus has called off his divorce proceedings for a second time.   ***  Gee, the guy can’t decide if he has an achy heart... or a breaky heart...or just irregular palpitations.

7.      An audience of Defense Department employees in South Carolina was shocked when Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel described some of the extreme budget cuts that were planned.   ***   In fact, now the Navy Seals would not have enough funding to actually capture Osama bin Laden; instead, they would just toilet paper his compound. (And under the new guidelines, it would be single-ply.)

8.      Hundreds of stingrays washed up on a beach in Mexico.  ***  Authorities there say they have never seen so many Corvettes in one place.

9.      British investigators have confirmed that the fire aboard a Boeing 787 Dreamliner at London’s Heathrow Airport originated in the emergency locator beacon.   ***  You see, Boeing is going back to basics.  On most planes, the locator device sends out a radio call, but on the Dreamliner it sends up a smoke signal.

10.    New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is urging workers in office buildings to use stairs rather than the elevator.  ***  Well, now we know the real reason why he outlawed 32-ounce soft drinks—they were too difficult to carry up a staircase.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Friday, July 19, 2013

1.      So far this year, over 30 NFL players have been arrested on various charges.   ***   In fact, many courtrooms are being modified to add space behind the defense table for jugs of Gatorade. 

2.      Charles Foley, the man who invented the game “Twister,” has died at the age of 82.  ***  Funeral plans are not yet finalized, but organizers are looking for six really agile pallbearers.

3.      According to a United Nations report, Mexico is the most obese country in the world.  ***  Hey, forget about Edward Snowden; it looks like the U.S. isn’t the only country worried about embarrassing documents.

4.      The Mattel company says that second quarter sales declined by 24%, primarily due to a decrease in the sales of Barbie dolls.   ***   However, they believe the demand for Barbie will increase as soon as they introduce their new Eliot Spitzer doll.

5.      Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is asking a federal appeals court to overturn his conviction for corruption, bribery and influence peddling, and let him out of prison.  ***  He’s telling the Chicago-based court he’s the only one who can get the Cubs and the White Sox moved up in the standings.

6.      Have you seen that SyFy movie “Sharknado”? It’s about people in the path of a giant tornado that’s full of sharks.  ***  It’s a terrifying scenario.  It would be like finding yourself in a crowd of personal injury lawyers at the scene of an accident.

7.      A study in France has shown that people who retire at a young age are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s.  ***   Basically, researchers observed that a large number of early retirees couldn’t remember where they got that nice gold watch.

8.      Edward Snowden reportedly has secret documents that reveal how the NSA (the National Security Agency) is structured.   ***  The people who would most like to see those documents:  Employees of the NSA.

9.      The company has compiled a list of airports with the worst  departure delays.  ***   Most delayed flight of all time:  Edward Snowden leaving Moscow.

10.    Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced major changes in the corporate structure.   ***   For example, the group that developed Windows 8 will now report to the head janitor.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Friday, July 12, 2013

1.      Hostess Twinkies are back in production, and the big news is that their shelf life has been increased to 45 days.  ***   Of course, that’s in the store.  Once you get them home, the shelf life is about 45 seconds.

2.      Eliot Spitzer is running for New York City Comptroller.  He’s got an uphill battle since people remember that he was the New York State Attorney General who got caught using call girls.   ***   The fact is, he’ll probably never escape the stigma of having been a politician.

3.      According to a study in Canada, nearly half of all babies develop a temporary flat spot on the back of their heads from sleeping on their backs.  ***  So, when they finally want to roll over, they can’t.

4.      Bicycle racer Chris Froome has maintained his lead in the Tour de France and is still wearing the coveted yellow jersey.   ***   As you know, the yellow jersey identifies the rider with the best steroids.

5.      In England, the Rolling Stones just played at Hyde Park for the first time in 44 years.   ***  This time, however, preparing for all the fans was a nightmare. Officials had to set up an extra-loud sound system, 5,000 porta-potties and over 10,000 handicapped parking spaces.

6.      Egypt’s President Mohammed Morsi stepped down in response to huge mobs, shouting in the street and the sound of explosions.   ***  This has really made a lot of other world leaders very nervous.  In fact, President Obama looked out his window, saw a Fourth of July celebration, and started packing his bags.

7.      Because the power window switches on the Honda Fit can catch fire, Honda is recommending that owners of that model park their cars outside. ***  And put a “For Sale” sign in the window.

8.      Medical researchers in Denmark say that you are more likely to have post-surgery problems if you’re a heavy drinker.   ***  And it’s even worse if your surgeon was a heavy drinker.

9.      A Vatican priest has been arrested for trying to sneak $26 million in cash on a flight from Switzerland to Italy.  ***  I think he was a little too obvious;  he was carrying the money in little wicker baskets with long handles.

10.    The U.S. Air Force reports that it found no evidence of wrongdoing by the defense contractor that employed Edward Snowden.  ***  However, investigators say they are still very suspicious of his pole-dancing girlfriend and will continue round-the-clock surveillance... (until their budget runs out of five-dollar bills).