Friday, November 22, 2013

Friday, Nov 22, 2013

1.        According to a recent poll, President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low—less than 40%.   ***  In other words, Michelle and Malia have now given him thumbs down, but Sasha’s still hangin’ in there.

2.        The Toronto City Council stripped Mayor Rob Ford of many of his powers after he admitted using drugs.   ***  For example, he can no longer issue official proclamations, like when he declared “Cocaine Appreciation Day.”

3.        Florida Congressman Henry “Trey” Radel has been charged with possession of cocaine.  He said, “I stand ready to face the consequences of my actions.”  ***  Of course, he’s not really worried.  I mean, Congress shut down the federal government, approved spying on private citizens, and put millions of individual health plans at risk—and they all got off scott free.

4.        Three executives at IKEA France were arrested and charged with spying on staff and customers.   ***  They  claimed they were just trying to find out how everyone else managed to assemble the furniture.

5.        A company called the “Authentic Brands Group” has purchased the rights to all the intellectual property associated with Elvis Presley.  ***  I believe they paid $19.95.

6.        The deputy chief of Libya’s spy operations was kidnapped at the Tripoli airport.  ***  OK, that’s when you know that your country’s spying is a little sub-standard – when you didn’t see that coming.

7.        People in Indonesia are having to deal with all the ash from a huge volcanic eruption on Monday.  ***  You know, President Obama lived in Indonesia for a while, but he had to come to Washington D.C. to get his “ash” handed to him.

8.        New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was forced to cancel his appearance at a Philadelphia non-profit fundraiser because of illness.  ***  And because he realized Philadelphia is in another state.

9.        A U.S. Airways Express flight from Philadelphia to New York was cancelled after a disagreement on where a seeing eye guide dog should sit.  The flight attendant said it had to be under a seat in the passenger section.  ***  But the pilot said he needed his dog with him up in the cockpit.

10.     Joe Biden’s Chief of Staff, Bruce Reed, has resigned   ***  Actually, he was fired for failing to get the Vice President on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Friday, November 15, 2013

Friday, Nov 15, 2013

1.        Joe Biden’s Chief of Staff, Bruce Reed, has resigned.  His duties included supporting Mr. Biden’s role in critical legislation, scheduling all the people who wanted to meet with the Vice President, and responding to invitations to important international events.   ***  In other words, he had absolutely nothing to do.

2.        A North Carolina man has been arrested for trying to join a Middle-East military group linked to al-Qaida.  ***   Actually, that was one of the insurance options on the Obamacare website.

3.        A Philadelphia fundraiser was postponed after New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had to cancel his appearance due to illness, and the food that was to have been served will be donated to charity.  ***  And that’s a lot of food.

4.        Kentucky’s state-run Obamacare marketplace has detailed records of who has signed up for healthcare coverage, and it shows that a large percentage of the enrollees are young women.   ***   Actually, they thought they were registering on “meet-a-rich-doctor-dot-com.”

5.        The Vatican is launching a new magazine that is entirely in Latin, but it only comes out twice a year.   ***   That’s because it takes the reader six months to translate it.

6.        The senior class president at Northwest Christian University in Oregon has revealed that he doesn’t believe in God.   ***  Wow—that’s like the class president at Trump University saying he doesn’t believe in money.

7.        British immigration officials embarrassed themselves by raiding a valid wedding that they thought was a sham to get around immigration laws.   ***   Hey, if they really want to learn how to identify weddings that are a complete sham, they should come to Hollywood.

8.        The Vatican has launched a new magazine that’s written entirely in Latin.  ***   You know, Playboy did that a few years ago but nobody noticed.

9.        The Federal Aviation Administration says it will be quite a while before drones are widely approved for flights over the United States because of controversy over their  proper use.  ***   For example, some people want to make sure that the President will not authorize drone strikes against members of Congress…while other people want to make sure that he will.

10.     In Japan, a novice lawmaker was widely criticized for handing a letter directly to the Emperor, which is a violation of established protocol.  ***   Here in the United States, we also have a very specific protocol for that sort of thing:  The Congressman e-mails the message to a friend, then the NSA intercepts it and sends it to the White House.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Friday, Nov 8, 2013

1.        Tony Trenkle, the White House official responsible for overseeing development of the Obamacare website, has resigned.  ***  But, I think the Obamacare program will make sure he continues to get paid even though his incompetency was a pre-existing condition.

2.        In an interview on “20/20,” former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice showed remorse for the behavior that got him fired:  Yelling at players, screaming obscenities, shoving them and calling them names.   ***  In other words, just the kind of guy we’d like to see managing the programmers who created the Obamacare website.

3.        India has just launched a spacecraft on a mission to Mars.  ***  Pakistan also launched a spacecraft, but theirs is the low-cost version.  They just strapped a booster rocket onto a captured Predator Drone.

4.        A lot of shoppers are saying that K-Mart is being unfair to its employees by planning to stay open all day on Thanksgiving without shutting down for dinner, and they are threatening a nationwide Thanksgiving Day boycott.   ***   Unless the discounts are really, really good.

5.        A terrorist suspect leaving a mosque in London was able to slip by police by dressing as a woman wearing a burqa.    ***   But he really fooled police into thinking he was a woman by stopping to ask for directions.

6.        A New York University student was rescued after being trapped in a small space between two buildings for two days.  Friends of the student, who was originally from Nigeria, don’t know how he ended up in that remote area.  ***   He was probably delivering gold bars to helpful Internet users.

7.        I was surprised to learn that there’s a matador school in France that has trained 1,000 boys in the art of bullfighting.  ***  You can always tell the French matadors—they’re the ones waving the white cape.

8.        Kanye West put his tour on hold after some key equipment was damaged in a truck crash.  ***  Speaking of accidents, I wonder if he’s also going to put the tour on hold after his relationship with Kim Kardashian turns into a train wreck.

9.        In a recent court filing, 85 members of Congress urged the Supreme Court to clarify its position regarding public prayer.  They said that previous rulings have “confused the lower courts and baffled the public.”  ***  And if anyone knows about baffling the public, it’s Congress.

10.     This week Pope Francis made an unannounced visit to the tomb of Pope John Paul II.   ***   Of course it was unannounced. Call me impolite, but I don’t think you need to call ahead when the guy is dead.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Friday, Nov 1, 2013

1.        The Kardashians took over the Magic Mountain theme park in California for Kendall Jenner’s 18th birthday party.   ***   But Bruce Jenner was late because he went to the wrong place; he thought “Magic Mountain” was his plastic surgeon’s office.

2.        Vice President Joe Biden apologized for problems with the Obamacare web site and admitted that he is not a “technology geek.”   ***  Although he did say that back in his younger days he was a wizard with the rotary dial phone.

3.        The Obamacare web site had another outage earlier this week.  ***  I think the Death Panel just decided to pull the plug.

4.        Kanye West says the wedding ceremony with Kim Kardashian will be extravagant and he hinted it could even involve “fighter jets.”   ***   Fighter jets?  You know, I think it’s bad enough when married couples have knives.

5.        The city council in Washington D.C. is considering decriminalizing  marijuana.  ***  If Congress starts smoking pot, they’re going to establish three options for all future votes:  Yea, Nay, and Whatever.

6.        The American Academy of Pediatrics says that children should spend no more than two hours per day on Facebook, Twitter and other Internet entertainment sites.  ***   The Academy also said that adults should spend no more than two hours per day on the computer trying to register for Obamacare.

7.        The White House brought in experts to fix the Obamacare web site.  ***  But, they found it was easier to just let people buy the insurance coverage on the Home Shopping Network.  Problem solved!

8.        In Racine, Wisconsin a woman was kicked out of a Marriott Hotel that she had been living in for 9 years because she ran up $28,000 in unpaid bills.   ***  She’s now looking for another place to stay, but even Motel 6 turned off the light.

9.        A high school cheerleader in Georgia recently set a new world record by doing 44 consecutive handsprings.   ***   However, her record was immediately broken when President Obama did 50 backflips after Congress raised the debt ceiling.

10.     Leaders of more and more countries are calling President Obama to complain about revelations that the NSA has been spying on them.   ***  So, the automated switchboard at the White House now answers this way: “Thank you for your call regarding our NSA spying program.  The president is currently busy apologizing to other countries.  Please stay on the line. Your demand for an apology will be answered in the order it was received.”