1. The Kardashians took over the Magic Mountain theme park in California for Kendall Jenner’s 18th birthday party. *** But Bruce Jenner was late because he went to the wrong place; he thought “Magic Mountain” was his plastic surgeon’s office.
2. Vice President Joe Biden apologized for problems with the Obamacare web site and admitted that he is not a “technology geek.” *** Although he did say that back in his younger days he was a wizard with the rotary dial phone.
3. The Obamacare web site had another outage earlier this week. *** I think the Death Panel just decided to pull the plug.
4. Kanye West says the wedding ceremony with Kim Kardashian will be extravagant and he hinted it could even involve “fighter jets.” *** Fighter jets? You know, I think it’s bad enough when married couples have knives.
5. The city council in Washington D.C. is considering decriminalizing marijuana. *** If Congress starts smoking pot, they’re going to establish three options for all future votes: Yea, Nay, and Whatever.
6. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that children should spend no more than two hours per day on Facebook, Twitter and other Internet entertainment sites. *** The Academy also said that adults should spend no more than two hours per day on the computer trying to register for Obamacare.
7. The White House brought in experts to fix the Obamacare web site. *** But, they found it was easier to just let people buy the insurance coverage on the Home Shopping Network. Problem solved!
8. In Racine, Wisconsin a woman was kicked out of a Marriott Hotel that she had been living in for 9 years because she ran up $28,000 in unpaid bills. *** She’s now looking for another place to stay, but even Motel 6 turned off the light.
9. A high school cheerleader in Georgia recently set a new world record by doing 44 consecutive handsprings. *** However, her record was immediately broken when President Obama did 50 backflips after Congress raised the debt ceiling.
10. Leaders of more and more countries are calling President Obama to complain about revelations that the NSA has been spying on them. *** So, the automated switchboard at the White House now answers this way: “Thank you for your call regarding our NSA spying program. The president is currently busy apologizing to other countries. Please stay on the line. Your demand for an apology will be answered in the order it was received.”