Friday, August 26, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 26, 2016

1.  A 16 year old Florida boy has survived a brain-eating amoeba thanks to a newly created drug. ***  Doctors said his condition was critical; in fact, if the parasite had destroyed any more of his brain the kid could have run for president.

2.  According to the website, the best state for retirement is South Dakota, because it’s reasonably affordable, there’s good healthcare… ***  …and there’s absolutely no risk of getting a heart attack from over-excitement.  

3.  Hillary Clinton went on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” last night to dispel questions about her health.  ***   She proved beyond a doubt that she is definitely able to stay up that late.

4.  Speedo has dropped its sponsorship of Ryan Lochte.  ***  Gee, and the marketing department was all ready to go ahead with their new advertising theme: “Liar, liar, Speedo on fire.”

5.  McDonald’s has recalled malfunctioning fitness trackers that it had started giving away with Happy Meals.  ***  Actually, if you buy a Happy Meal you already get a fitness tracker—it’s called a receipt.

6.  On this date in history:  Aug 26, 1907 – Houdini escapes from chains underwater at Aquatic Park in 57 seconds.  ***  Today, most men can’t even pull themselves away from the TV.

7.  On this date in history:  Aug 25, 1814 – The British capture Washington D.C.  ***   Most Americans now believe we should have let them keep it.

8.  On this date in history:  Aug 24, 1912 – Congress passes the “anti-gag law.”  ***  Parents can no longer force their children to eat brussel sprouts.

9.  On this date in history:  Aug 23, 1617 – The first one-way streets are established in London.   ***  Unfortunately, due to poor planning, everyone ended up on one side of the city and couldn’t get back.

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 22, 1846 – The U.S. annexes New Mexico.  ***   It became a state in 1912, after 66 years of failing to come up with a more original name.

Friday, August 19, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 19, 2016

1.  TV doctor Drew Pinsky (“Dr. Drew”) says he reviewed Hillary Clinton’s medical records and was shocked to see that she is getting treatments “from the 1950’s.”  ***  She must be on the Bronze Plan.

2.   A study by has concluded that Michigan is the state with the most bullying.  ***  The study found that it’s because Michigan has the most wusses, nerds and geeks, and they all need to be taught a lesson.

3.  In Williamstown, Kentucky, a recreation of Noah’s ark opened for public preview, but critics say it inaccurately includes dinosaurs onboard.   ***   They’re also a bit skeptical about the shuffleboard courts.

4.  In Fairview Heights, Illinois, a 2 year old boy left in a running car managed to put it in gear and drive until hitting a police car.   ***  The cops said they were amazed; it was the first time they had seen a child driving without texting.

5.  Over 450,000 condoms are being distributed to athletes at the Rio Olympics.  ***  However, many countries are refusing them in hopes of winning a ton of medals 20 years from now.

6.  On this date in history:  Aug 19, 1934 – A plebiscite in Germany gives sole executive power to Adolph Hitler.  *** Apparently, Germans responded favorably to his campaign slogan, “Hey, what could possibly go wrong?”

7.  On this date in history:  Aug 18, 1962 – Peter, Paul & Mary release their 1st hit "If I Had a Hammer."  ***  The United Brotherhood of Carpenters immediately threatened violence unless they get a union card.

8.  On this date in history:  Aug 17, 1948 – The Philadelphia Phillies commit 8 errors in one game.   ***   Apparently their first error was coming to the ballpark.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 12, 2016

1.  Belgian Dirk van Tichelt was mugged on Rio’s Copacabana Beach after winning the bronze medal in judo.   ***   The attackers wisely avoided the guy who got the gold.

2.  When a man in Springfield, Missouri suffered a pulmonary embolism, his self-driving Tesla saved his life by taking him to the hospital.  ***  However, he almost died when the car spent 10 minutes looking for a really good parking spot.

3.  Georgetown University has denied rumors that Angelina Jolie is going to teach there this fall.  ***  That’s a big disappointment to guys who had planned on misbehaving in her class in hopes of getting spanked.

4.  All Delta flights were grounded for a few hours on Monday because of a computer outage.  ***  Of course, Delta was well prepared for these sorts of problems—they had the Geek Squad on speed dial.

5.  In Detroit, an Uber driver was carjacked and then instructed to go to an ATM and withdraw $2,000.   ***   Actually, very few people are even aware of this new option on their Uber app.

6.  Supporters of Donald Trump have established a special Super PAC to attract Amish voters.  ***  However, there has been some disagreement on the plan to have Melania pose naked with a horse and buggy.

7.  On this date in history:  Aug 11, 1866 – The world's first roller rink opens in Newport, Rhode Island.  ***  It was a brilliant idea. Previously, people would just go into a big empty building and walk around in a circle. 

8.  On this date in history:  Aug 10, 1975 – David Frost purchases exclusive rights to interview former president Richard Nixon.  ***  I believe Mr. Nixon charged $1,000 for each true/false question and $3,000 for multiple choice.

9.  On this date in history:  Aug 9, 1854 – Henry David Thoreau publishes "Walden."  *** Pond for pond, one of the best books of all time.

10. On this date in history:  Aug 8, 1844 – Brigham Young is chosen to head the Mormon Church.   ***  He accepted the position after leaders met his demands for a decent salary, a comfortable retirement plan and his name on a university with a really good basketball team.

Friday, August 5, 2016

News for Week Ending Friday, Aug 5, 2016

1.   A 40 year old Nigerian man known only as “Mike” has been arrested and charged with perpetrating over $60 million worth of internet scams.  ***  He was released, however, when he promised to send authorities an undisclosed number of gold bars.  

2.   Scientists have found that Australia has been moving at a rate of 2.75 inches each year.  ***  In fact, they say that by the year 3000 the Outback will be out front.

3.   A man in Dallas, Georgia was arrested last weekend for having sex with a goat.  ***  Down in Georgia there’s a lot of concern about incest, so at least he had the decency to first make sure that he and the goat weren’t related.

4.   Workplace expert Lynn Taylor has identified a dozen words and phrases that make a person seem untrustworthy or less intelligent.   ***  Number one on the list:  “I’m running for president.”

5.   According to the top health official in Rio, recent data indicates the Zika virus should no longer be a concern for people coming to the Olympics.  ***  He said the latest numbers show that the muggers and kidnappers will probably get you first.

6.   On this date in history:  Aug 5, 1981 – President Regan fires 11,500 air traffic controllers.  ***  Of course, first he checked with Nancy to make sure she didn’t have any big trips planned.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 4, 1693 – Dom Perignon invents champagne.  ***  Of course, he didn’t sell any until people had something to celebrate.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 3, 1963 – The Beatles play their final performance at the Cavern Club in Liverpool.  ***  But they always remembered their roots, and even on the Ed Sullivan Show they insisted that the audience have a two drink minimum.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 2, 1939 – The Hatch Act prohibits political activity by federal workers.  ***  Apparently there was later legislation that went a step further and prohibited ALL activity by federal workers.    

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 1, 1774 – Joseph Priestly discovers oxygen.   ***  I wonder what people breathed before that?