1. A 16 year old Florida boy has survived a brain-eating amoeba thanks to a newly created drug. *** Doctors said his condition was critical; in fact, if the parasite had destroyed any more of his brain the kid could have run for president.
2. According to the website caring.com, the best state for retirement is South Dakota, because it’s reasonably affordable, there’s good healthcare… *** …and there’s absolutely no risk of getting a heart attack from over-excitement.
3. Hillary Clinton went on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” last night to dispel questions about her health. *** She proved beyond a doubt that she is definitely able to stay up that late.
4. Speedo has dropped its sponsorship of Ryan Lochte. *** Gee, and the marketing department was all ready to go ahead with their new advertising theme: “Liar, liar, Speedo on fire.”
5. McDonald’s has recalled malfunctioning fitness trackers that it had started giving away with Happy Meals. *** Actually, if you buy a Happy Meal you already get a fitness tracker—it’s called a receipt.
6. On this date in history: Aug 26, 1907 – Houdini escapes from chains underwater at Aquatic Park in 57 seconds. *** Today, most men can’t even pull themselves away from the TV.
7. On this date in history: Aug 25, 1814 – The British capture Washington D.C. *** Most Americans now believe we should have let them keep it.
8. On this date in history: Aug 24, 1912 – Congress passes the “anti-gag law.” *** Parents can no longer force their children to eat brussel sprouts.
9. On this date in history: Aug 23, 1617 – The first one-way streets are established in London. *** Unfortunately, due to poor planning, everyone ended up on one side of the city and couldn’t get back.
10. On this date in history: Aug 22, 1846 – The U.S. annexes New Mexico. *** It became a state in 1912, after 66 years of failing to come up with a more original name.