1. Belgian Dirk van Tichelt was mugged on Rio’s Copacabana Beach after winning the bronze medal in judo. *** The attackers wisely avoided the guy who got the gold.
2. When a man in Springfield, Missouri suffered a pulmonary embolism, his self-driving Tesla saved his life by taking him to the hospital. *** However, he almost died when the car spent 10 minutes looking for a really good parking spot.
3. Georgetown University has denied rumors that Angelina Jolie is going to teach there this fall. *** That’s a big disappointment to guys who had planned on misbehaving in her class in hopes of getting spanked.
4. All Delta flights were grounded for a few hours on Monday because of a computer outage. *** Of course, Delta was well prepared for these sorts of problems—they had the Geek Squad on speed dial.
5. In Detroit, an Uber driver was carjacked and then instructed to go to an ATM and withdraw $2,000. *** Actually, very few people are even aware of this new option on their Uber app.
6. Supporters of Donald Trump have established a special Super PAC to attract Amish voters. *** However, there has been some disagreement on the plan to have Melania pose naked with a horse and buggy.
7. On this date in history: Aug 11, 1866 – The world's first roller rink opens in Newport, Rhode Island. *** It was a brilliant idea. Previously, people would just go into a big empty building and walk around in a circle.
8. On this date in history: Aug 10, 1975 – David Frost purchases exclusive rights to interview former president Richard Nixon. *** I believe Mr. Nixon charged $1,000 for each true/false question and $3,000 for multiple choice.
9. On this date in history: Aug 9, 1854 – Henry David Thoreau publishes "Walden." *** Pond for pond, one of the best books of all time.
10. On this date in history: Aug 8, 1844 – Brigham Young is chosen to head the Mormon Church. *** He accepted the position after leaders met his demands for a decent salary, a comfortable retirement plan and his name on a university with a really good basketball team.