News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 29, 2017

1.   It was just reported that Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, is registered to vote in New York State as a woman.  ***   You know, it must be tough in the voting booth when you want to vote one way but your inner woman wants to vote the other way—and she’s registered.

2.   It’s been reported that Tiffany Trump got her name from Donald Trump’s favorite business deal, when he bought the rights to build the Trump Tower above the Tiffany store.  ***  I guess she’s lucky he didn’t build it above Hooters.

3.   It’s been reported that Kim, Khloe and Kylie are all pregnant.  ***   Tune in for their new reality show, “Knocking Up with the Kardashians.” 

4.   Honda plans to hire 300 additional workers at its Ohio plant for production of the 2018 Accord.  ***   In fact, President Trump just sent them a hand-picked list of NFL players who might be available.

5.   Taco Bell announced that 300 new locations will offer alcoholic beverages but will not have drive-thrus.  ***   Is that a good idea?  If your customers are going to be pounding down beers and burritos, do you really want them sitting indoors?

6.   On this date in history:  Sept 29, 1946 – "Adventures of Sam Spade" debuts on CBS Radio.  ***  Humphrey Bogart later starred in the movie version, “Sham Shpade.”

7.   On this date in history:  Sept 28, 1850 – The U.S. Navy abolishes flogging as punishment.  ***  Today, for really serious infractions, they give the sailors quiet time and take away their cell phones.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 27, 1881 – The Chicago Cubs beat Troy 10-8 in front of only 12 attendees.  ***  You know it’s a small crowd when the announcer introduces each of the people in the stands.

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 26, 1772 – New Jersey passes a bill requiring a license to practice medicine.  ***  Unless the patient is just on the Bronze Plan.

10.  On this date in history:  Sept 25, 1775 – American Revolutionary War hero Ethan Allen is captured.  ***  Immediately upon release he opens a chain of furniture stores.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 22, 2917

1.   Ivanka Trump told Dr. Oz about her struggles with postpartum depression. ***  It’s that sad feeling of loss she gets whenever she discontinues one of her fashions after it goes out of style.

2.   Hillary Clinton says she relaxes through the ancient practice of “alternate nostril breathing.”   ***   Experts say the technique can be especially helpful for people who talk out of alternate sides of their mouth.

3.   When an Ohio man dressed up as a clown to scare his daughter into behaving, a neighbor thought he was terrorizing the girl and shot at him.   ***  The bullet missed the guy, but it’s nice to know that he would have died with a smile on his face.

4.   Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy. ***  The situation is so serious that even the Tickle Me Elmo dolls aren’t laughing.

5.   The Detroit Tigers’ home field, Comerica Park, ejected a bachelor party of 45 men dressed as “Magnum P.I.” look-alikes because of their rude behavior.  ***  And because there just wasn’t parking space for 45 Ferraris.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 22, 1920 – Chicago grand jury convenes to investigate charges that 8 White Sox players conspired to throw the 1919 World Series in exchange for money from a gambling syndicate.   ***  Since then, the White Sox have cleaned up their act and now they lose for no reason whatsoever.  

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 21, 2007 – George Clooney is injured in a motorcycle accident in Weehawken, New Jersey.  ***   He was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital, where he was tended to by 143 nurses.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 20, 1972 – Police find cannabis growing on Paul and Linda McCartney's farm.  ***  The news was a shock to the rock ‘n roll community; people had no idea that Paul and Linda had a farm.

9.   On this date in history:  Sept 19, 1957 – The first underground nuclear bomb test takes place in Las Vegas. ***  Scientists figured that would be the best way to avoid the spread of radiation—not because it was underground, but because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

10.  On this date in history:  Sep 18, 1957 – "Wagon Train" premieres on TV.  ***   Actually, many viewers are more familiar with the spinoff show, “Soul Train.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 15, 2017

1.   Motel 6 says it will no longer share guest lists with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency.  ***   And Tom Bodett said he won’t leave a light on for them, either.

2.   After a customer at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Dearborn, Michigan complained about his food, the manager reached through the car window and attacked him.  ***  You know it’s a rough neighborhood when McDonald’s offers drive-thru beatings.

3.   According to online advice from mental health experts, there are seven ways to tell if you’re dating a psychopath.  ***   #1:  Their match.com profile has the word “psychopath.”

4.   Amazon is planning to build a second headquarters and one of the possible locations is Detroit.  ***   The operation will focus on a new service, Amazon Crime.

5.   A New York City man was hospitalized after a motorist ran over his foot then came back and shot him twice in the leg.   ***   I believe it’s a new vigilante group enforcing the “Do Not Walk” signals.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 15, 1894 – Japan defeats China in the Battle of Ping Yang.  ***   However, the next day the Chinese were victorious in a Battle of Ping Pong.

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 14, 1938 – Graf Zeppelin II, the world's largest airship, makes its maiden flight.   ***  In keeping with the design theme, it featured inflatable flight attendants.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 13, 1977 – Because of its raunchy content, the soap opera parody “Soap” becomes the first TV show to have a viewer discretion warning. ***  It seems ironic that the dirtiest show on TV was named “Soap.” 

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 12, 1959 – The TV series "Bonanza" premieres.   ***   Viewers loved the theme song, admired Ben Cartwright’s full head of hair and felt sorry for the horse that had to carry Hoss.

10.  On this date in history:  Sep 11, 1609 – Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island.   ***  Duh…just go to Brooklyn and then cross the bridge.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 8, 2017

1.   A woman is suing the state of New York because her husband was fired from his state job, became despondent and lost all interest in sex.   ***   However, a few days later she found a handsome hunk ringing her doorbell, and was suddenly grateful that she had signed up for the little-known Obamacare Platinum Plan.  

2.   Federal investigators say that Tennessee law enforcement organizations illegally used seized criminal money to buy catered food.  ***  This was a clear violation of established guidelines--Tennessee is only allowed to use such funds for the purchase of bourbon.

3.   Sir Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Airlines, announced that he plans to ride out Hurricane Irma in his wine cellar.  ***  I think that’s a really cool idea, especially since he lives in London.

4.   Five nurses at Denver’s Health Medical Center were suspended after they heard about the size of a deceased man’s private parts and opened the body bag to take a look.   ***  You know, it’s pretty impressive when a guy can make a “provocative bulge” on a body bag. (I realize the poor fellow was dead, but I still hope they were careful when they zipped it back up.)

5.   Lego announced it will be terminating 1,400 employees.   ***  Unfortunately, the company received word that the government has rejected its design proposal for the Mexico border wall.  (Too bad--not only would it have been extremely colorful, but the whole thing could have been built by 6 year olds.)

6.   Tesla founder Elon Musk is predicting that competition for leadership in artificial intelligence will lead to World War III.  ***   He said that artificial intelligence will be essential for any country run by politicians.

7.   On this date in history:  Sep 8, 1920 – U.S. Air Mail begins, with service from New York to San Francisco.  ***  That early system wasn’t too efficient—they’d take mailmen with their bags loaded and put them on the plane.

8.   On this date in history:  Sep 7, 1981 – “People's Court,” with Judge Wapner, premieres on TV.   ***   Thanks to this unique show, people with trivial problems, pathetic excuses and a whining demeanor can also have the disgrace of losing their case in front of a million viewers.     

9.   On this date in history:  Sep 6, 1628 – Puritans land at Salem, Massachusetts.   ***  Most of them arrived by ship, but apparently a few flew in on brooms.

10.  On this date in history:  Sep 5, 1882 – In New York City, 10,000 workers march in the first Labor Day parade.  ***  Thousands of police were on hand to arrest anyone violating the new fashion rule by still wearing summer white.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 1, 2017

1.   As a result of Amazon’s purchase of Whole Foods, the grocery retailer has begun selling the Amazon Echo.  ***  Actually, it’s a special Whole Foods version, which can be found in the produce section and comes in the shape of a mango.

2.   A Japanese company has configured the humanoid robot "Pepper" to function as a Buddhist priest at funerals by chanting sutras while tapping a drum.  ***  It will also be available for weddings and receptions as soon as they figure out how to program the Chicken Dance.

3.   President Trump has lifted Obama-era restrictions on police, including the ban on the use of surplus military equipment…  ***  …and the daily limit of two donuts.

4.   According to a study by two universities in England, neurotic people tend to live longer.   ***   But thanks to a merciful God, the people who have to listen to them die early.

5.   During the recent renovation at the White House, the carpeting was renewed at a cost of $1.2 million.  ***   That’s a lot of money, but when so many staffers are getting called on the carpet I guess you want it to look good.

6.   On this date in history:  Sep 1, 1836 – A wagon train of Presbyterian missionaries reaches the site of what became Walla Walla, Washington.  ***   The journey taught them to follow their dreams, be persistent and never let a two-year old name a city.

7.   On this date in history:  Aug 31, 1954 – The Census Bureau is established.  ***  Apparently some people felt that a population estimate of “a gazillion” just wasn’t accurate enough.

8.   On this date in history:  Aug 30, 1979 – President Carter is attacked by a rabbit while on a canoe trip.   ***  Yes, political figures are often harassed by the hop-arazzi.

9.   On this date in history:  Aug 29, 1967 – The final episode of "The Fugitive" is broadcast.  ***  Millions of viewers feel a little bit guilty for not having any sympathy for the guy with one arm. 

10.  On this date in history:  Aug 28, 1907 – United Parcel Service begins operations (in Seattle).  ***  In one of the earliest examples of establishing brand identity, they only used brown horses.