News for Week Ending Friday, May 31, 2019

1.   In England, court documents have revealed how the wife of a jailed banker managed to run up charges of $20 million dollars at Harrods.   ***  First of all, she didn’t use coupons.

2.   During a recent news conference, Congressman Jerry Nadler, Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, appeared to faint.  ***  He just heard that a republican had actually complied with one of his subpoenas.

3.   In northern France, a 102 year old woman is suspected of killing her 92 year old neighbor.  ***  Previously, her way of dealing with enemies was just to outlive them.

4.   Lawyer Michael Avenatti has been charged with defrauding Stormy Daniels of $300,000 and committing “identity theft.”  ***  Of course, that whole stolen identity scam fell apart when he did his first pole dance.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 24, 2019

1.   Grumpy the Cat has died.   ***   Had 9 lives, wanted 10.

2.   It was recently revealed that actor Luke Perry had been buried in an eco-friendly “mushroom suit.”  ***  Seems strange, but I guess it’s just a matter of personal taste. Frankly, I’d prefer pepperoni.

3.   Agriculture experts say President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese products is helping U.S. garlic farmers, who had difficulty competing with cheaper garlic from China.  ***  China, however, has threatened to retaliate by withholding all shipments of breath mints.

4.   Facebook officials recently revealed a serious security flaw in the “WhatsApp” platform.  ***  They said that due to a loophole in the software, it’s possible for the site to be used by seniors.

5.   According to an extensive study by the Reputation Institute, the retailer that has established the best reputation is Barnes & Noble.  ***  Actually, Barnes & Noble didn’t “write the book” on developing a good reputation, but they probably sold it.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 17, 2019

1.   Hershey’s announced it will be embossing 25 different emojis in the rectangular forms on its chocolate bars.   ***  There’s the chocoholic emoji, the chubby emoji, the rotting teeth emoji…

2.   Brad Pitt is trying to move on after his divorce from the controlling Angelina Jolie and says he is now “absolutely smitten” with MIT professor Neri Oxman.  ***  He also said he checked with Angelina and she said it was OK.

3.   Former congressman Anthony Weiner has completed his prison and halfway house incarceration for indecent acts and has been released.  ***  Or as he calls it, unzipped.

4.   Singer Meat Loaf fell off a stage while performing in Texas and broke his collarbone.  ***  People at the scene Googled how to make him better and are now treating him with a variety of seasonings, a mushroom topping and copious amounts of gravy.

5.   Mukesh Ambani, the richest man in India, just bought British retailer Hamleys, which has 167 toy stores. ***  Only the truly wealthy wear T-shirts that say, “He who dies with the most toy stores wins.”

News for Week Ending Friday, May 10, 2019

1.   Because of an outbreak of measles, the Scientology cruise ship “Freewinds” was quarantined for several days in St. Lucia.   ***   It was terrible; passengers had to stay onboard and were forced to spend the entire week watching a Tom Cruise movie marathon.

2.   In a recent interview, 88 year old Warren Buffet, who’s worth $87 billion, said he drinks five cans of Coca-Cola every day, eats Chicken McNuggets at least three times a week and loves Dairy Queen for dessert.   ***  Of course, it’s easier to have that kind of diet when you can get a quadruple by-pass and pay cash.

3.   Meghan and Harry just had a baby boy, and experts say he is 7^th in line to the British throne.  ***   That’s nice, but he’s only 38^th in line for the most prestigious pre-school.

4.   In a protest against campus fraternities, students at Swarthmore College have gone on a hunger strike.   ***  Sing along: “Cass was a sophomore, planned to go to Swarthmore, but she changed her mind one day-y-y-y…”   Probably because she heard about their hunger strikes.

5.   Last Sunday was the big Cinco de Mayo holiday in Mexico.   ***  And, in a spirit of international friendship, U.S. border patrol agents chasing illegal immigrants gave all of them a ten minute head start.

News for Week Ending Friday, May 3, 2019

1.   For the second time in 30 days, charges of domestic violence have been levied against Rick Schroder, the former child actor who got his start in the sitcom “Silver Spoons.”  ***  He is now facing possible jail time and plans to star in a new reality show, “Plastic Spoons.”

2.   Now that Julian Assange has been kicked out of Ecuador’s embassy for bad behavior, a London court has sentenced him to 50 weeks in jail for skipping out on bail back in 2012.  ***  Mr. Assange said he’ll go to jail willingly if he’s allowed to bring along his cat, his skateboard and his huge collection of Pamela Anderson posters.

3.   Scientists in Norway have captured a small beluga whale wearing a Russian-made harness, and they suspect it had been trained for some sort of Russian military operation.  ***  In the United States, however, Democrats are claiming it was one of several such whales used to influence the 2016 election.

4.   South Korea is opening several hiking trails along the Demilitarized Zone, which has become a thriving habitat for wildlife, including some endangered species.  ***   Actually, anything living near the DMZ is an endangered species.

5.   Because of security and privacy concerns, Apple is reportedly dropping several apps that parents have been using to restrict their children’s iPhone and iPad usage.  ***  Now the kids are happy and the parents are pouting, whining and throwing tantrums.