News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jun 26, 2020

1.   Unable to recover from the loss of income during the Covid-related shutdown, the Chuck E. Cheese pizza-and-arcade chain has declared bankruptcy, but is hoping to restructure and stay in business.  ***  Closure off the 266 locations would be devastating news for millions of kids, and for companies that sell ear plugs.

2.   In a recent podcast interview, Miley Cyrus announced that she has been sober for the past six months, and says the best part of sobriety is “waking up 100%” every morning and feeling great.  ***  She also revealed that she’s writing a song about waking up after a night of heavy drinking. It’s called “Achy Breaky Head.”

3.   A representative for Heather Locklear has confirmed that the 58-year-old actress is engaged to Chris Heisser, her “high school sweetheart.”  ***  Unfortunately, because of Covid-related event cancelations, they won’t be able to combine the wedding ceremony with his graduation party.

4.   This past weekend the director of the Harvard Global Health Institute, Ashish Jha, warned that Covid-related precautions and restrictions may be needed for 12 more months.    ***   Of course, this “new normal” also means new opportunities. For example, U-Haul will be applying its truck-rental business model to a new subsidiary that will rent out Covid related medical equipment and supplies. It’s called “U-Heal.”  

5.   Last week, world-famous 100-year-old tortoise “Diego” – of the species Chelonoidis hoodensis -- returned to his native Galapagos archipelago. Fifty years ago, Diego was moved from the San Diego Zoo to nearby Santa Cruz Island for a special breeding program in which he saved his species from extinction by siring over 800 offspring.  ***  And yet…yesterday…(sniffle)…not a single card.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jun 19, 2020

1.   In the Los Angeles suburb of Sierra Madre, a woman napping in her back yard was attacked by a bear, but reportedly fought it off with her laptop computer.  ***  Apparently she aimed the built-in camera at the wild animal, and as soon as its image appeared on the screen she hit “Delete.”

2.   To avoid coronavirus, Russian President Vladimir Putin is not only working from home, but he also installed a special entry passage in which visitors walk through a fine mist of disinfectant.  ***  Scientists have not yet confirmed the effectiveness of the mist in killing the virus, but Mr. Putin’s tailor says it does a great job of taking out wrinkles.

3.   Relations between North and South Korea continue to deteriorate, and on Tuesday North Korea used explosive devices to demolish a building that had been used to improve communications between the two sides.  ***   Apparently, because of limited access to the Internet, that’s the North Korean version of clicking “Unfriend.”

4.   As Americans continue to be concerned about the nation’s food supply, there has been renewed interest in the 1930’s recipe for “depression cake,” which can be made without milk, butter or eggs, and is surprising tasty.  ***  And these days it’s usually served with a scoop of “anxiety ice cream.”

5.   Yesterday was National Bourbon Day, and I celebrated it all day long.  ***  I don’t know when National Aspirin Day is, but I started celebrating it first thing this morning.

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jun 12, 2020

1.   During a Zoom virtual meeting of town officials in Surfside, Florida, commissioner Eliana Salzhouer became furious after repeatedly being put on “mute” by mayor Charles Burket, and she angrily held up the middle fingers on both hands.  ***   Town residents watching the meeting online were shocked at what they were seeing and immediately demanded to know where she had had her nails done.

2.   Actress Kirsten Dunst and her family recently returned from New Zealand, and she described one bright spot in the subsequent quarantine involving her 2-year old son:  "Yesterday we let him be naked all day and he'd pee outside in the grass; he was so happy he could pee like a dog.”  ***  Gee, if that makes the kid happy, he’ll be ecstatic when he learns to spell and can write his name in the snow.

3.   North and South Korea have had a routine of calling each other twice a day to maintain lines of communication, but on Monday, for the first time in 21 months, they didn’t talk.  ***  Apparently Verizon cancelled their service after concluding that tensions between the two countries were so high that they no longer qualified for the Friends and Family Plan.   

4.   The pilot of a U.S. helicopter patrolling over Detroit contacted Windsor police to report someone aiming a laser beam at him from the Canadian side of the Detroit River, and the fleeing suspect was quickly located and apprehended.  ***  He forgot to turn off his laser and was cornered in a dark alley by a dozen cats.

5.   Governor Whitmer has announced that Michigan barbershops and hair salons can re-open on June 15^th.   ***   State law enforcement agencies are now bracing for an anticipated increase in crimes as people no longer fear posing for a mug shot without a decent haircut.  

News Humor for Week Ending Friday, Jun 5, 2020

1.   The Somerset Collection, a trendy, upscale shopping mall in Troy, Michigan, recently re-opened when Covid-related restrictions were lifted, only to close again for a couple days in anticipation of local protests.   ***   A Somerset spokesperson said the organization proudly supports the right of free speech, as long as the demonstrators remain peaceful, respect the mandated curfew, and adhere to a practical yet reasonably fashionable dress code.

2.   After suffering a complete loss of revenue during the Covid-related shutdown and still facing competition from movies on Internet and cable, AMC Theatres announced it might be forced to go out of business. ***  On a positive note, however, AMC locations were immediately swamped with calls from seniors offering to buy one of those “really comfy recliners” (especially if AMC throws in a bucket of buttered popcorn and free refills).

3.   The protests in Detroit were relatively peaceful Tuesday night, except for several arrests for curfew violation during a confrontation between police and demonstrators on Gratiot Avenue.  ***  In an effort to identify and apprehend outside agitators, police were instructed to point to a street sign and arrest anyone who didn’t know how to pronounce “Gratiot.”

4.   In a dramatic change of policy, Rodong Sinmun, the official newspaper of North Korea, announced it will no longer idolize the mystical powers of Kim Jong-un or claim that the regime's leaders can magically bend time and space.  ***   However, government hard-liners immediately took control of the paper and the headlines read, “Former Editor Disappeared Tomorrow.”

5.   I bought a cool face mask from the Detroit Institute of Arts that has an image of the Diego Rivera mural showing auto workers assembling a chassis, and it’s very impressive.  ***  In fact, some people used to call me names and mock me for wearing a protective mask, but when I wore this one yesterday they all pointed at me, and they must have been real car enthusiasts because I think one of them even said, “Hey guys, look at that axle!”