Friday, February 27, 2015

Friday, Feb 27, 2015

1.        The IRS says that because of budget constraints taxpayers have the lowest chance of being audited in the past decade.  ***  In fact, Turbo Tax will now automatically bump up your calculated refund if you just click the “I Feel Lucky” box.

2.        Nike is bringing back the “Classic Cortez” running shoe that was worn by Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump.”  ***  Each pair comes with a box of chocolates, a ping-pong paddle and a bucket of shrimp.

3.        Russia is planning military drills near the border with Latvia and Estonia.  ***  Soldiers will practice invading those countries and Vladimir Putin will practice denying it.

4.        In recent military exercises, the Iranian navy attacked a mock-up of a U.S. aircraft carrier.  ***  To make the carrier very realistic, they built it with schedule delays, cost over-runs and bribes.

5.        According to a study published in the Archives of Diseases in Children, kids should stop taking naps when they reach the age of two.  ***  I believe the study was conducted by five students in a local kindergarten.

6.        The World Wildlife Fund says the Amur leopard is making a comeback, and after analyzing trail camera photos of their unique fur patterns, scientists have concluded there are now at least 60 of the rare leopards.  ***  Unless they actually can change their spots, in which case there might only be three.  

7.        The NBC medical drama “The Night Shift” returns for a second season, in which two of the doctors will ramp up their romance  ***  while valiantly trying to save patients who are only on the Bronze Plan.

8.        Two actors in Thailand were sentenced to 2 ½ years in prison for putting on a play that defamed the ruling monarchy.  ***  Here in the U.S. we have a different way of making the people in power look bad.  It’s called the six o’clock news.

9.        At the Oscar presentations, John Travolta was criticized for getting a little too touchy-feely with Idina Menzel and Scarlett Johansson.  ***   After all, this is the Academy Awards, not some sleazy sideshow where you’d expect that sort of thing--like Joe Biden at a White House ceremony.

10.     Doctors at the Wexner Medical Center at The Ohio State University say that seniors can prevent falls by taking ten simple steps.  ***  Actually, they’re safer if they don’t take any steps at all.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Friday, Feb 20, 2015

1.        George Clooney and his wife, Amal, are building a “panic room” where they can run and hide if suddenly faced with a major threat.  ***  For example, if one of them started to lose their good looks.

2.        In an interview with Seth Meyers, Allison Williams defended her beleaguered father, newsman Brian Williams.  ***  She said, “Now, as I remember that helicopter ride….”

3.        Mars One, an organization that is planning a permanent mission to the red planet, has announced the 100 finalists for the one-way voyage. They were selected from an initial list of 200,000 candidates,  ***  most of whom were nominated by their in-laws.

4.        As a promotion for his upcoming Comedy Central roast, Justin Bieber was shown getting hit in the face with an egg.   So, apparently there are “Beliebers” ***  and there are “Eggthiests.”

5.        Yesterday Detroit police had to deal with an armed man who had barricaded himself inside a home.  ***  Really?  Someone wanted to lock himself IN Detroit?

6.        Because they could not agree on terms, Costco is ending a 16 year agreement that gave exclusivity to the American Express credit card. ***  So, American Express has a new slogan: “Okay, now you can leave home without it.”

7.        Singer-songwriter Leslie Gore has died at age 68.  She was perhaps best known for singing, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”  ***  The song was later covered by John Boehner and the GOP.

8.        Hasbro has come out with a high powered Nerf gun that can shoot a foam ball at 70 mph and is intended for use by adults.  ***   For example, seniors like it for settling disputes at bingo games.

9.        (Groaner Alert) A new video on the Internet shows a sheep who was raised with collies and now thinks she’s a dog. *** You should hear her b-a-a-a-a-rk.

10.     In honor of its 30th anniversary in March, the iconic movie “The Breakfast Club” will be shown at 430 theaters across the country.  ***  But, in recognition of its aging audience, the breakfasts will be digitally altered to include more soft foods, fiber and prunes.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Friday, Feb 13, 2015

1.        According to a study published in the British Medical Journal, drinking red wine is only beneficial for men between 50 and 64, and for women age 65 and over.  ***  You gotta admit, at 65 years old, Bruce Jenner’s timing is impeccable.

2.        At Pebble Beach’s iconic 18th hole, pro golfer Mark Hubbard suddenly got down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend.  ***  Everyone was shocked.  It’s the only time a golfer ever knelt down and didn’t pray for a putt to drop in.

3.        In Dallas, the mother of a 13 year-old pummeled a driver fleeing police after he ran into the back of their mini-van.  ***  I guess she’s a “socker mom.”

4.        A poll shows that bringing back the Joe Paterno statue at Penn State is supported by 71% of all Pennsylvanians ***  and 100% of the pigeons.

5.        It has come to light that the woman who planned to marry Charles Manson just wanted to make money by putting his body on display after his death.  ***  I believe the legal term is “corpus dinero.”                 

6.        Kyle Kraska, a TV sports anchor in San Diego, was wounded when a gunman shot up his car.  ***  Police subsequently received a phone call from another newscaster, a Mr. Williams, who claims to have been a passenger at the time.

7.        AMC Theaters is asking audiences to not bring props like whips and other S&M items to showings of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” ***  Oh. I was just going to bring my black and white crayons.

8.        A survey by the American Psychological Association found that 72% of American adults are stressed out about money.  ***  That’s really disturbing. That means 28% of the people in this country have a drug problem.

9.        The airport in Stockholm, Sweden may become a U.S. “clearance airport,” at which passengers can clear U.S. customs before their long flight to the United States.  ***   The idea is to process them while they still look like their passport photo.

10.     Pope Francis says spanking is OK.   ***   As long as it’s between consenting adults.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Friday, Feb 6, 2015

1.        During the weekend snow storm, Michigan police apprehended a naked man who was walking down the I-75 freeway wearing nothing but a cowboy hat.  ***  That was very strange.  You don’t usually see cowboy hats in Michigan.

2.        Strippers in Oregon are lobbying for better working conditions.  ***  Heated poles?

3.        A new housing development in Fargo, North Dakota has been invaded by 50 rabbits…***…60 rabbits…70 rabbits…80 rabbits…

4.        Malaysia has banned the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” because certain scenes were deemed “pornographic” and “sadistic.”  ***  However, authorities there have approved a heavily censored version, “Seven Shades of Grey.”

5.        Medical experts in the U.S. say that Vladimir Putin may have Asperger’s syndrome, which makes social settings somewhat challenging.  ***  For example, making cocktail party small talk with someone while trying to invade their country.

6.        A study at MIT has shown that the human brain can recognize an image after seeing it for only 13 milliseconds.   ***  Unless you’re looking at a photo of Bruce Jenner.

7.        The U.S. Department of Agriculture has ordered the Pittsburgh Zoo to stop using dogs to herd the elephants.  ***   They also said it was not nice to name the dogs “Boehner” and “McConnell.”

8.        The wife and children of the late Robin Williams are fighting over his estate.   ***  Carpe Dollarem.

9.        Lindsay Lohan and her mother are suing Sean Hannity and Fox News for allegedly making irresponsible comments.  ***    If there is a trial regarding irresponsibility, Lindsay is expected to testify as an expert witness.

10.     The prosecutor in a case against Lindsay Lohan is reportedly asking for jail time.  ***  He’ll do anything to get away from her.