News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 27, 2019

1.   The seat selection screen on the Japan Air Lines reservation website identifies seats with babies so passengers can avoid sitting near them.  ***  On airlines in the U.S., whining and crying can be avoided by not sitting next to someone from the opposite political party.

2.   In the Pacific Ocean, the U.S. Coast Guard captured a small submarine that was filled with $165 million worth of cocaine.    ***   Authorities became suspicious when they saw the vessel snorting white powder through the periscope. 

3.   During a recent Arctic expedition by the Russian navy, a small landing craft was sunk by a mother walrus who was protecting her cubs.   ***   Goo Goo Ga Joob!

4.   In Muskegon, Michigan, a police officer was fired after Ku Klux Klan material was found in his home, but he claims he just collects memorabilia associated with the “Dukes of Hazzard” TV show.  ***  However, he stumbled when trying to explain why he never bought his wife a pair of Daisy Dukes.

5.   A lot of people are confused by the title of Brad Pitt’s latest film, “Ad Astra.”   ***   I mean, who wants to see a movie about Ed Asner with a cold?

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 20, 2019

1.   After fracturing her arm while rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars,” Christie Brinkley told ABC, “I have to find a silver lining.”  ***   OK, but I think that’s kind of snobbish and it will itch even more than an ordinary cast.

2.   Officials in New Mexico announced a plan to provide free college tuition for all state residents.  ***   However, they said parents would still need to pay for books, living expenses and bribes to the admissions office.

3.   Accused Wikileaks fugitive Edward Snowden says he would like to come back to the U.S. if he could get a fair trial.  ***  Or at least be tried on a televised episode of “Judge Judy.”

4.   A transatlantic flight was diverted to Ireland after the pilot spilled coffee on the controls, causing heat, smoke and a burning odor.  ***  Hmmm, sounds like Starbuck’s extra-strong morning-wake-up blend.

5.   For adventurous travelers, a unique hotel—the North Pole Igloos—will be opening at the North Pole in April, 2020.   ***   The only drawback is that you have to help make toys.

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 13, 2019

1.   The designer of the Seibu Railway commuter train in Japan says his intent was to “make a train that feels like a living room.”   ***   So, every 15 minutes someone comes in and fights you for the remote, complains about the temperature and tells you to get your shoes off the couch.

2.   Researchers at the Smithsonian have identified a new species of electric eel that can generate 30% more voltage than the previously known species.   ***   They determined that by connecting the eels to a Tesla and measuring the top speed.

3.   On Monday, President Trump took Air Force One to North Carolina to see the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian.  ***  Then, to see the most extreme damage, he told the pilots to fly over Alabama and look for an area surrounded by a thick black line.

4.   Scientists at Seattle’s Allen Institute have developed a robot that was able to pass an 8^th grade science test.  ***   But the really impressive thing is that while taking the test it was also throwing spitwads.

5.   A miniature horse was allowed on a recent American Airlines flight because it was a passenger’s “support animal.”  ***  “Flight 555 to Omaha is now boarding at Corral #2.”

News for Week Ending Friday, Sep 6, 2019

1.   Harvard researchers have found that football players who suffer concussions are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction.  ***  As a result, the NFL has revised its “concussion protocol,” and players sent to the locker room after a hard hit now get to take a much different test.

2.   A recent survey found that people become impatient when a traffic light takes more than 25 seconds to change or when a web page takes more than 16 seconds to load.  ***   Or when a survey takes more than 2 seconds to complete.

3.   Billy Bush, who interviewed Donald Trump in the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape, has been hired as the new host of “Extra,” although the producers renamed it “Extra Extra.”   ***   And they made him change his name to Billy Billy.

4.   A study at the University of Alabama found that children whose diets include a lot of fast food are more likely to suffer from depression.   ***   Well, I guess the folks at McDonald’s are going to need a new name for Happy Meals.