Friday, December 18, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Dec 18

1.        Luxury Travel Intelligence has just named Robert DeNiro’s Philippine hotel, Nobu, “The Worst New Luxury Hotel of 2015,” saying the accommodations are fine but management is weak.  ***  And whenever a guest asks for service, the staff always says, “You talkin’ to me?  You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else you talking…you talking to me?...”  

2.        A man in Oklahoma was so upset over his hotel bill that he drove his pick-up through the lobby and crashed into the front desk.  ***  After that, I guess he didn’t need to ring the bell.

3.        “The Hunger Games” star Jennifer Lawrence told Stephen Colbert it’s not a good idea to contact aliens from outer space because we would just try to kill each other.  ***  She said if scientists continue to reach out, she’ll start keeping a bow and arrow by her bed.

4.        Hillary Clinton says she has a “360 degree plan” to destroy ISIS.  ***  Yep, I think 360 degrees would be hot enough.

5.        With the help of a spiritual medium, the Kardashian girls’ departed father, Robert Kardashian, gave them a message from the grave.  ***  He told them he’s been rolling over a lot.

6.        On this date in history: 1582 – The Netherlands, Denmark and Norway adopt the Gregorian calendar. *** They were especially impressed by Miss April.

7.        On this date in history: 1813 – In the War of 1812, the British take Fort Niagara.   ***   It wasn’t easy; just to get to the fort they had to fight their way through hundreds of honeymooners.

8.        On this date in history: 1979 – The Budweiser streamliner set a wheeled vehicle speed record of 730 mph. ***  The Clydesdales were exhausted. 

9.        On this date in history: 1979 - "Love Story," starring Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw, is released.  ***   Millions of men stop apologizing.

10.     On this date in history: 1977 - "Saturday Night Fever," starring John Travolta, premieres.  ***  In the following weeks, thousands of men strain their vocal cords trying to sound like the BeeGees.

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 27

1.     Justin Bieber has just canceled his performance in the CBS “Thanksgiving Day Parade.”  ***  And now we have something to be thankful for.

2.     According to Money magazine, K-Mart has one of the worst purchase return policies.  ***  After you buy something, they shut down the store.

3.     The latest food craze in Japan is deep fried maple leaves.  ***  I wonder—are you supposed to eat them by hand or with a rake?

4.     In China, Xiao Yun went missing for the past ten years and authorities thought she was dead, but she was recently found living in an internet cafĂ© where she spent all her time playing video games.  ***  So, they were pretty much right.

5.     In order to promote healthy eating, the Nordic Choice hotel chain in Norway has taken bacon and sausage off the breakfast menu.  ***  They’ve also put Bob Evans on the no-fly list.

6.     On this date in history: 1817 – The first sword swallower in the U.S. performs in New York City.  ***  He was a big hit in Times Square until the public taste shifted to naked cowboys.

7.     On this date in history: 1835 – The Texas Provisional Government authorizes establishment of the Texas Rangers.  ***  Reluctantly, they also authorize one “Lone Ranger,” but specify that he must always wear a mask.

8.     On this date in history: 1863 – A patent is granted for a process of making color photographs.  ***  Demand for centerfold models skyrockets.

9.     On this date in history: 1897 – J. L. Love patents the pencil sharpener.  ***  It was carefully designed to hold a pencil of any size, form an extremely sharp point, and sprinkle shavings all over the floor when you try to empty it.

10.  On this date in history: 1973 – The fuel crisis causes Congress to reduce the maximum speed limit to 55 MPH. ***  It also gives people an excuse to not drive to the in-laws for Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 20, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 20, 2015

1.        Rearchers at Harvard University say that people who drink three to five cups of coffee a day are less likely to die from diabetes, heart disease or Parkinson’s disease.  ***  Instead, they’ll probably be killed by someone who can’t stand their hyperactivity and chirpy disposition. 

2.        Charlie Sheen says his millions in blackmail payments to hide his HIV is money that should have gone to his children and grandchild.  ***  His regular prostitution payments, however, were apparently a budgeted line item.

3.        Mattel is getting kudos for featuring a boy in its commercial for the new “Moschino Barbie” doll.  ***  I think that’s fine, as long as the boy realizes that when he grows up his dolls will need to be inflated.

4.        Researchers at the Langone Medical Center have found that posting the calorie content of menu items has failed to change New Yorkers’ eating habits at fast food restaurants.   ***   The next step will be to install scales at each cash register.

5.        Kia is recalling 256,000 Souls because of steering problems.  ***  Big deal. God has recalled millions of souls for losing direction.

6.        On this date in history: 1686 - Charles Francois Felix operates on King Louis XIV’s anal fistula, but only after practicing the surgery on several peasants.  ***  Just one more benefit of being insured with the Gold Plan.

7.        On this date in history: 1863 - Abraham Lincoln delivers his Gettysburg Address.  ***  As a great visionary, he kept it short because he knew high school students would have to memorize it.

8.        On this date in history: 1940 – The Green Bay Packers become the first NFL team to travel by plane.  ***   They also become the first NFL team to play in street clothes because the airline lost their luggage.

9.       On this date in history: 1955 – Donald Campbell drives a speedboat faster than 200 mph.  ***  But the really amazing thing is that the water skier held on.
10.   On this date in history: 1984 - McDonald's sells its 50 billionth hamburger.  ***  Employees plead with management, “NOW can we stop counting?”

Friday, November 13, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 13, 2015

1.        Macy’s department stores will soon feature LensCrafters Optical Centers for customer convenience.   ***   Macy’s figured that was easier than enlarging the print on all its price tags and labels. 

2.        The Secret Service has assigned code names to Ben Carson and Donald Trump.  Mr. Carson’s code name is “Eli,” which is a reference to Yale and also a biblical term meaning “God is most high.”   Mr. Trump’s code name is “Mogul,”…*** … which is a business term meaning “I am most high.”

3.        Dunkin’ Donuts has just unveiled its Christmas-themed holiday cup, which features a green wreath with the word “Joy” in it.  Company officials say it reflects the happiness and spirit of the holiday season…***...and the wonderful feeling they get when taking sales away from Starbucks.

4.        British researchers at the University of Reading have found that drinking champagne is good for your brain.  ***  Unfortunately, first you need something to celebrate.

5.        A British supermarket plans to hire a person whose sole job will be to untangle Christmas tree lights.  They’re looking for someone with a sharp mind, nimble fingers…***…and the ability to curse quietly.

6.        On this date in history: 1793 - Jean Sylvain Bailly, the first mayor of Paris, is guillotined. ***  Later, people realize a simple recall election would have been sufficient.

7.        On this date in history: 1801 - Kentucky makes dueling illegal.  ***  People there are sick and tired of two guys having a shootout just to determine which one gets to marry their cousin.

8.        On this date in history: 1847 - Sir James Young Simpson, a British physician, is the first to use chloroform as an anesthetic.  ***  Prior to that, doctors had rendered patients unconscious by showing them the bill.

9.        On this date in history: 1885 - Gottlieb Daimler unveils the world's first motorcycle.  ***  For the occasion, Herr Daimler had on a leather jacket, heavy boots and a “Born to Raise Hell” tattoo.

10.     On this date in history: 1983 - Amsterdam brewer Freddy Heineken is kidnapped.  ***  The only clue:  Witnesses reported seeing him forced into a wagon being pulled by a team of Clydesdales.

Friday, November 6, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Nov 6, 2015

1.        A scientist in Cambridge, Massachusetts has not showered in 12 years, but instead sprays himself with a mixture of bacteria that supposedly keeps him fresh and clean.  ***  In addition to saving time, he also saves money because of less soap usage, lower water bills and no second dates.

2.        NASA has just announced it is hiring astronauts for flights to the International Space Station and Mars.  ***  However, in the interest of full disclosure, officials did point out that George Clooney and Sandra Bullock are no longer in the program.

3.        A missing Denver teenager was found after sleepwalking 9 miles.  ***  Authorities were able to track her cell phone signal while she was texting.

4.        The web site Business Insider lists 13 things an employee should never say on the first day of a new job.  ***  In fact, the best thing to do is just skip the first day and start work the day after.

5.        Bernie Sanders’ first TV campaign ad tells about his childhood in a Brooklyn tenement.   ***  His parents had considered moving to Manhattan, but back when he was a kid the Indians still owned it.

6.        On this date in history: 1955 - In "Back to the Future,"  Marty McFly arrives at this date after traveling back in time 30 years.  ***  Most of us are thrilled when we just get to set our clocks back one hour.

7.        On this date in history: 1879 - To combat stealing by bartenders in his Dayton, Ohio saloon, James Ritty patents the first cash register.  ***  He also copyrights the word “Ka-ching.”

8.        On this date in history: 1914 – In New York City, Vogue magazine holds "Fashion Fete," the first fashion show with models.  ***  It’s also the first known employment opportunity specifically for anorexic women.

9.        On this date in history: 1783 - John Austin, a highwayman, is the last person to be publicly hanged at London's Tyburn gallows.  ***  People just got fed up with the high ticket prices and two drink minimum.

10.     On this date in history: 1978 – The debut of Arnold Shapiro's TV documentary, "Scared Straight," a controversial deterrent to juvenile delinquency narrated by Peter Falk.  ***  Audiences are annoyed by Mr. Falk’s repeated use of the phrase, “Oh, just one more thing, sir…”

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 30, 2015

1.        According to a study by the Mayo Clinic, cat bites are extremely dangerous and 1 out of 3 people bitten by a cat need hospital care.  ***  Cat experts say if you are bitten by a cat, you should immediately post the experience on Facebook (preferably with a video) and then head to the nearest ER.

2.        Taylor Swift is suing radio host Robert Mueller for allegedly groping her backstage in 2013, but Mr. Mueller says it was actually done by the station manager, Eddie Haskell.  ***  His accusation was supported by both Wally and the Beaver.

3.        Detroit police had to break up a street brawl involving angry parents at a youth cheerleading contest.  ***  The actual fight wasn’t much, but the cheering was exceptional. (“Hit ‘em high!  Hit ‘em low!  Come on Mom, L-e-e-e-e-t’s go!”)

4.        The Detroit Lions have fired offensive coach Joe Lombardi and replaced him with assistant coach Jim Bob Cooter.  Of course, the Lombardi name is legendary in football,   ***  while the Jim Bob name is legendary in the moonshine business, numerous sitcoms and The Waltons.

5.        Wal-Mart announced it is exploring the use of drones for home delivery.  ***  Great! Now Wal-Mart customers won’t have to spend so much time getting all dressed up to go shopping.

6.        On this date in history: 1833 - The first U.S. college fraternity with a fraternity house is founded.   ***  Sales of beer and togas skyrocket.

7.        On this date in history: 1612 - King James gives lute player Robert Dowland the title of “Court Lutenist.”  ***  Mr. Dowland says he prefers to be called “Cool Hand Lute.”

8.        On this date in history: 1636 - Harvard University is founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts.  ***  In Cambridge stores, sales of pipes and tweed jackets skyrocket.

9.        On this date in history: 1881 - Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday & the Clanton Brothers have their famous gunfight at the OK Corral.  ***  Realizing the historical significance of the event, they decided to meet there rather than “the empty lot behind the five and dime store.”

10.     On this date in history: 1858 - Hamilton Smith patents the rotary washing machine.  ***  The hard part was designing it to always make one sock disappear.

Friday, October 23, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 23, 2015

1.        According to Sunday’s Detroit Free Press, the FBI is continuing to investigate a local criminal ring that has been selling human body parts.  ***  In fact, there is evidence that Jim Caldwell may have recently purchased a new arm for Matthew Stafford.

2.        Oslo, Norway plans to be car-free by 2019.  ***   However, with all the car thefts and carjackings, Detroit may beat them to it.

3.        Researchers at Duke University found that many nail polishes contain TPHP, a chemical that can enter the body and cause hormonal dysfunction.  ***  On the plus side, people will compliment you on your great looking nails. On the negative side, you’ll have an inexplicable urge to scratch their eyes out.

4.        Presidential candidates Ben Carson and Donald Trump are asking for Secret Service protection…***…from each other.

5.        Speaking at an industry conference in San Francisco, Linked-In CEO Jeff Weiner described the difference between a manager and a visionary.  ***  I believe the visionary gets to put his feet up on the desk.

6.        On this date in history:  1960 – The first fully mechanized post office opens in Providence, Rhode Island.  ***  For the first time ever, letters can be lost automatically.

7.        On this date in history: 1774 - In defiance of British rule, colonists in Taunton, Massachusetts raise the first flag displaying the word "Liberty.”   ***  Unfortunately, Betsy Ross was exhausted and said she’d never do another flag with text on it.

8.        On this date in history: 1897 -  The world's first car dealership opens in London.  ***  Showroom traffic is a bit slow while waiting for the automobile to be invented.

9.        On this date in history: 1938 - Chester Carlson demonstrates the first Xerox copying machine. ***  He then hopped off and pulled up his pants.

10.     On this date in history: 1814 – The world’s first plastic surgery is performed.  ***  I believe the patient was a Ms. Kardashian.

Friday, October 16, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 16, 2015

1.        In a recent essay about wage inequality for women, Jennifer Lawrence complained about the difficulty of remaining “adorable” while being a tough negotiator.  ***  Well, she could paint a happy face on the nail of her middle finger.

2.        ABC is canceling “Celebrity Wife Swap.” ***  Well, they canceled the TV show.  The celebrities, of course, will continue swapping wives.

3.        After visiting prisoners at San Quentin this week, Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg called for major prison reforms.  ***   His first proposal is a new web site for inmates:  Mugbook.

4.        At Wal-Mart’s annual shareholders meeting, CEO Doug McMillon announced that the chain store will begin targeting more upscale customers.  ***  Those would be the people wearing designer flip-flops.

5.        In an interview on “60 Minutes,” President Obama said that Hillary Clinton’s use of a personal e-mail server was a mistake, but she did not endanger national security.  ***  He said she’d have to be elected president to do that.

6.        On this date in history:  1966 – More than 100 anti-draft demonstrators, including Joan Baez, are arrested in Oakland.  ***  However, they win a Grammy for the protest with the best music ever.

7.        On this date in history:  1860 - 11-year-old Grace Bedell writes to Abraham Lincoln, tells him to grow a beard.  ***  Lincoln writes back, tells her to get a life.

8.        On this date in history:  1937 - Ernest Hemingway’s novel "To Have & Have Not" is published. ***  Unfortunately, the “Have Nots” have to wait for the less expensive paperback version.

9.        On this date in history:  1902 - President Roosevelt threatens to respond to a miners’ strike by using army troops to work the coal mines.  ***  Soldiers reportedly say, “Hey, just a minute…”

10.     On this date in history:  1968 - Norma Enriqueta Basilio Satelo becomes the first woman to light the Olympic flame.  ***  Fortunately, the organizers resisted the urge to play “Come On, Baby Light My Fire.”

Monday, October 12, 2015

News for Week Ending Friday, Oct 9, 2015

1.        A man in India divorced his wife by using WhatsApp to text a “triple talaq,” which is stating three times that he is divorcing her.  Experts are now reviewing the case to see if the use of texting was valid.  ***  They’re not sure if the man needed to actually type the divorce statement three times, or if it was OK to just copy and paste.

2.        Lawsuits have been filed against Hershey’s, Nestle and Mars, accusing them of using slave child labor to harvest the cocoa used to make chocolate.  ***  A lawsuit was also filed against a Mr. Willy Wonka, who claims that despite their short stature, his workers--the Oompa Loompas--are all adults.

3.        Investigators from several countries are trying to determine why the terror group ISIS has so many Toyotas that have been converted for military use.   ***  Darn it--If they had Volkswagens then all their vehicles could be recalled because of the emissions problem.

4.        According to Orbiz, today is the cheapest day to buy tickets for Thanksgiving air travel.  ***   However, most people don’t know this far in advance if they’ll still be on good terms with their relatives.

5.        Hilary Clinton says she loves being on Saturday Night Live because it’s such a creative process and they’re constantly rewriting her lines right up to show time.  ***   She says it’s just like testifying at a Benghazi hearing.

6.        On this date in history:  1000 - Leif Ericson reputedly becomes the first European to reach North America by landing in Canada. ***  His buddies give him the nickname “Maple Leif.”

7.        On this date in history:  876 – In the Battle of Andernach at the Rhine River, “Louis the Younger” defeats “Charles the Bald.”  *** Millennials 1, Seniors 0.

8.        On this date in history:  1818 - Two English boxers are the first to use padded gloves.   ***   It was also the first documented use of the term “Wuss!”

9.        On this date in history:  1856 - Cyrus Chambers Jr. patents a machine that folds newspapers.  ***  Of course, these days many newspapers are folding all by themselves.

10.     On this date in history:  1956 - "The Ten Commandments," directed by Cecil B. DeMille and starring Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner, opens in the U.S.  ***  It’s kind of like church, but with popcorn.